1-900-990-5085 ext. 324,325

MAVRIDES WINS TAX BATTLE!! EARTH SAVED!

Unbelieveable but true, there's a happy ending to PAUL MAVRIDES' battle with the California State Tax Board. They picked the wrong cartoonist to conspire against. If he had lost, half the cartoonists in California would eventually have been put out of business, you'd be paying more for any illustrated book you purchased, and the First Amendment would have been deflated by another few thousand pounds of Slack per square brain cell. YOU OWE HIM.

The last time you were here, the fearsome SubGenius preacher Dr. Legume had died. He's back with a vengeance. Many are sorry. Even if you've never heard of him, we're sure you'll find our new illustrated report on his unexpected resurrection quite maddening. (See THE RESURRECTION OF DR. LEGUME) Or, if you weren't sad about his death to begin with, GET SAD FIRST with the old Legume Memorial section, a RIVETING portrait of a great SubGenius, and yet a TOTAL TRAVESTY, a SICK SICK MOCKERY of his memory.

We survived the GWAR tour and all we got were these 10,000 crummy unsold Dobbs T-shirts... and a hell of a lot of pictures, videos and TALES TO TELL.

Most CONSTANT and INTERMINABLE news, so ancient that it isn't news at all, is that we're STILL WORKING on the Stark Fist of Removal Church magazine. (That's a moot point to you on the Web, as there are about 50 new issues' worth right here, in full living color and stereo sound.) AND the REAL SubGenius CD (with Negativland). AND the promised CD-Rom project. AND the new Dobbsface cosmetic surgery.

OLDEST news is that we did finish the fourth and greatest SubGenius commercial book for Simon & Schuster, REVELATION X, we produced over 547 Hour of Slack radio shows, saved thousands of souls (now stored in Dobbs' basement), learned how to operate AND REPAIR these primitive human computers, prevented three earthquakes, got on national TV and The Washington Post, released a dozen major new products including coffee mugs, fridge magnets, cloissone pins, gimme caps, guillotines, and a whole line of SubGeniusWear; staged about 30 successful Devivals everywhere BUT Dallas, weeded out a few hundred of the more obnoxious Bobbies, stayed in business(!), took over about half of the Internet, preserved the best of alt.slack right here in these pages, prevented 11 attempted assassinations of "Bob,"

If you don't know much about "this "Bob" thing" and ACTUALLY BELIEVE that you want to know more, DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU!!! -- but you should probably start at FREE SLACK FOR SALE, the fully illustrated online version of our famous Pamphlet #2. WARNING: It's 23 pages long and every other word is a link to something absurdly appropriate elsewhere on the Web. BUT DON'T FOLLOW THOSE LINKS YET or you'll be LOST FOREVER. (We're working on a program that'll SNAP YOU BACK HERE if you wander too far away.)

Or, if you'd like to see how SubGenius Ministers at large have attempted to explain this thing to newcomers "by the seats of their pants," see the FAQs collection from alt.slack.

Kook-watchers, crackpotologists, conspiracy buffs and abusers of the book High Weirdness by Mail will drool over the updates in both KOOK LOVE and KOOK HATE. SEND IN YOUR KOOK REPORTS!! Old-time SUbGenii may want to go straight to the more esoteric anti-conspiracy ARTICLES and RANTS.

If you're just a junkie for eye-burning visuals, twisted audio experiments, Internet Pornography, downloadable games, etc., we got those too. (NOTE: There are many NEW games in the FUNHOUSE since November, including MORE works of the great ROBERT CARR!)

Or maybe you just want to know what you'll get for that money we're about to hypnotize you into sending us. EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO BUY is in THE PRICE LIST OF THE GODS.

If, while viewing this material, you alternately feel like you're nearing The Truth, being made fun of, and getting a headache, YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK.

While we're at it, HELL, let's go ahead and throw in MISCELLANEOUS NEW ARTICLES, RANTS and FACE-POUNDING YUKS that just came in recently, and have not yet been safely categorized and tucked away neatly in their own little coffins in this vast web graveyard.

And OH YEAH before I forget, here's the most recent update of THE ONLINE SUBGENIUS PAMPHLET #1 that's been going around the Internet for about 10 years now.

WOULD-BE CONTRIBUTORS:

You say you've written three new anthologies of hilarious short stories starring you and Dobbs? And created 15 3-gig X-Day paintings in Photoshop? You can send them here, but if you don't want to wait for weeks for a response, put 'em up on the slave block at the newsgroup alt.slack and see who buys 'em. (That's where I do MY shopping.) And there's always alt.binaries.slack for your pictures and sounds.

Read REV. MODEMAC's personal invitation for you to contribute to alt.binaries.slack!!

Speaking of WHICH -- see the New Website section (further down on this page) for a link to Modemac's new website, THE SUBGENIUS MEDIA ARCHIVE. Therein is stored not media BY the Church, but ABOUT the Church BY the CONSPIRACY! (Read all about it.)

Many eager SubGenii have said to me, "Rev. Stang! Let me help you redesign those pages! I'm an html-in' FOOL!" Well, HAVE AT IT. Try any article or section past the main "HALL OF..." index pages. Most of it is REAL PLAIN LOOKING still. The Other Mutants sections might be good for experimenting on. (It's been sorely ignored so far) Pick a section that hasn't been done up all fancy yet. View the source code as text. Save that. DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT WITH IT. Then email that revised source to Dallas so the staff here can look at it and decide whether it's WORTHY of the GREATEST WEBSITE ON EARTH!!!!

We're not picky.

In the next few minutes we shall whup up the proposals for the CD-ROM, the CD-audios, the movie, the alt.slack BOOK, the 3-FISTED reprint, ETC., so we can get those shows on the road and some income happening, AND THE STARK FIST in print, AIEEE KREEGAH BUNDOLO WE SHALL PREVAIL against ALL ODDS, or, at worst, we shall PRETEND TO!!!

Meanwhile, CHECK THE SCATALOG, it now has new product WITH ILLUSTRATIONS of the new CDs, the Dobbshead cloisonne pins, the mugs, the MAGNETS, the shirts, GO FOR IT ALL!!!

Your dearest personal friend,

Rev. Ivan Stang
Pres., The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
i.stang@metronet.com

You may now download a PERSONAL VIDEO MESSAGE TO YOU FROM ME. It's an mpeg video. You need to also download the soundtrack wave.file, or it will be a silent movie.

And always remember, kids: the Graven Image of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs is a trademark of The SubGenius Foundation, Inc., and we wouldn't harp on it except that THAT TRADEMARK is the only thing that keeps this Church out of the hands of the Anti"Bob" and the Pinks.

ALMOST FORGOT! -- Check out the
BRAND NEW SUBGENIUS and BULLDADA WEBSITES
in Websites of the Gods!