Greeting and Slack Yetisyn!!!!Greeting and Slack Yetisyn!!!!
Jesus here, remember me? I can't tell you how great it feels to be able to write and post! Many of you probably think I'm just some anti.alt.slacker, or feel I am too good to lower myself to post... well that is somewhat true, but mostly my problem is TIME. But now TIME control is mine, and I don't mean the magazine.*
*(See Time magazine Jan 1st and Feb 8th issues for mentions of Dobbs)
What is this all about?
Why is the Lord filled with glee (and Slack)? Well, I'll tell ya....
Bum, bum, ba-bum
ANNOUNCING THE OFFICIAL HIRING OF NEWEST SUGENIUS EMPLOYEE: PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO THE LORD...
QUEEN OF ALL MONKEYS...
RULER OF POST X-DAY EARTH...
REVEREND ANGELA
AKA EVANGELA
In the first steps of our 3-year world domination plan, I have hired a personal assistant, an auxiliary brain. Freeing me up to concentrate on my true calling -- getting people to give us money.
Many have questioned this decision. "The crazy 'baby-in-the-sink' girl?", they ask. I feel that questioning the Lord and the Sacred Scribe's divine wisdom should be punishable by hobbling... but much like all major decisions this too was completed ultimately through the wisdom and blind luck of the holy saint of sales J.R. "Bob" Dobbs.
Secretly, last year at X-Day, we finished the final interviewing process as commanded by Dobbs. It was done openly with many witnesses. You may have even watched, not realizing the true meaning of what is known in the Hierarchy as "the process".
In the ancient tradition of might-makes-right, Rev. Angela single handedly beat the ass of every SubGenius with glands enough to step naked inside the wrestling ring of truth. Stamina, strength and perseverance, all traits necessary for our move into the next Millennium. Oh yes, there were many other tests that fateful weekend. Perhaps I shouldn't even mention the secret "trial by beans", but through it all, Rev. Angela proved again and again that she had those qualities demanded by Dobbs.
And so she joins the innermost sacred of circles, along with such legends as Nickie Deathchick or Magdalen*, of those who took the chance and not only "Quit Their Jobs", but "Quit Their LIVES for "Bob""
Oh, and speaking of Nickie the Excommunicated, do not fear that she has left the Foundation. She has only moved to her next and higher calling, taking on her new position as Ambassador to Austin -- the pieces of the puzzle are almost all in place.
So what does it all mean?
The plans are so amazingly fumanic that we would have to add a 3rd gig to the website to explain it all. The Conspiracy is doomed! World Wide Slack is eminent! Oh, and perhaps we will even get The Stark Fist out soon.
The financial burden is great and as always your support is mandatory, and, yes, truly appreciated. Your well wishes are worthless; we need your cash. Help keep us fighting the good fight and give back some of the $lack you may get from the worlds only true religion.
Send your hate offering soon, and if you're broke, help us out by clicking on the banners on our website. Every click is money for Dobbs. (Can you believe it? Let's cash in on this before the Pinks catch on.)
http://www.subgenius.com
**Special note on banner ads: Stang and/or I have personally visited every site whose banner is placed on SubSite. We must collect money for advertising, but we refuse to junk up the site with worthless garbage that you won't care about. So every product, and even pornosite is looked at for some quality that we think will truly be useful to our members. Unlike the Con we will only endorse those products we REALLY like. I was not paid to say this.
-The Future is "Bob"
Jesus
And here's a banner for YOU!
Rev. J.C. "Steve" Bevilacqua
Business Manager. The SubGenius Foundation Inc. Send $1 to: PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 Toll free order line: 1-888-669-2323
WebSite: http://www.subgenius.com
* Stang's note: "Or Will O'Dobbs, or someone else, or my pore old MA!"