You have been scanned and judged. Audience with "Bob" is hereby granted.
You Are Now In
The Very CLUTCHES of
The Stark Fist of Removal
SILENCE, EARTH FOOL!
This is your gateway to an alternate universe, a superior dimension -- the world of Dobbs Awareness, compactly encapsulated in but a few thousand pages of art and text. Many chain-gangs of DobbsDrones and Bombies have given of their Slack to bring to your screen everything SubGenius, from the most ancient, creaking STARK FIST OF REMOVAL print-zine reprints to the most recent battle reports from the infamous alt.slack newsgroup. You have MANY CHOICES herein, and each one leads to untold hundreds more... SO WEIGH YOUR OPTIONS CAREFULLY. Remember, YOU MAY NOT COME OUT! You might wisely decide to peruse our DISCLAIMERS AND WARNINGS before proceeding any further.
YOU MUST NOW CHOOSE. EVERYTHING hangs in the balance. Such is the Way of Dobbs.
(The CHURCH NEWS UPDATES page holds notices and links to new or otherwise immediately pertinent material.)
LATEST "STARK FIST OF REMOVAL" online
You'll CRAP your SLACKS when you truly "SEE" what Dobbs hath wrought through the hand-eye coordination of his followers (i.e., his "tools"). Enough downloadable VISIONS, VIDEOS and VITREOL to crash your hard drive for GOOD this time. HERE, try THIS MERE SAMPLE (by Rev. John Fudge)!
Sing along with Dobbs until your THROAT BLEEDS! Includes ear-knifing RealAudio radio, downloadable binaries, links to your Fave Cool AntiMusic Bands, and the KEYS to SUBGENIUS RADIO ACCESS!
Finally, we get down to BUSINESS! THE SUBGENIUS ONLINE CATALOG: Price List of the Gods, your source for great official Church videos, tapes, books, T-shirts, YOU NAME IT! PLUS: Other Mutants (ads and personals from your fellow SubGenius vendors), and ENDLESS REVIEWS of groovy Short Duration Personal Saviors and Designer Messiahs in every medium. Lists of Required Reading, Listening, Viewing, Squirting. You'll Never Be Bored Again -- IF you have enough money!!
Seek Out Your Own Kind... and be prepared to deal with the consequences.
New screen-blistering RANTS and in-depth ARTICLES from The Stark Fist Online! The Best of Alt.Slack! FAQs 'n SLAQs! Revelation-X out-takes! Things to Think, Know, See, Say and Do! Archives of Classic SubGeniania including The Book of the SubGenius, Stark Fist back issue reprints, and ALL of the anthology 3-Fisted Tales of 'Bob'! Also: Webberized Encyclopedia of the Gods, Paths to Slack, and Practical Anti-Conspiracy Weapons! New Scriptures, recent 'Bob' sightings, secrets of X-Day... and some tummy-ticklin' recipes for the adventurous chef.
Probe the mind(s) of Dobbs himself for everything you truly NEED to KNOW.
Just remember: "Bob" is not THE answer, and neither is anything else.
The Hall of SEXHURT
PATHS TO PORNOLOGY
Everything you have ever done throughout your entire life has been building up to THIS -- your chance to view those very Web pages that your Mom warned you about, those TABOO SECRETS which THEY would rather KILL YOU for being INTERESTED IN than LET YOU LEARN!! There will be a slight charge for this service.
The Hall of SCIENCE
and Hot-Headed Naked Ice Borer Preserve
FINALLY FINISHED!! Our "flagship" Hall. How the Universe Began, and Must End... Time Machines... How to Build A Home Electric Chair... HEALTH ADVICE you Can't Live Without... Philo's True History of The SubGenius Experience in Amerikkkkkkka... volumes of handy illegal COMPUTER TRICKS... but best of all, EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT PRAIRIE SQUID MATING HABITS, BONOBO/YETI SEXUAL TECHNIQUES, AND THE LOCAL AVAILABILITY OF FACE FUCKING BAT SPERM ANTIDOTE PUDDING!!!
Rival Kooks We've "Known" and Loved, High Weirdness by Mail-2, Motel of the Gods... KKKool Krackpots and Kristian Krazies! Secrets of the UFO! Mondo InterNut!
Make Yourself SICK with PLEASURE! 4-Fisted Tales of "Bob"! Vivid prurient voyeuristic accounts of ACTUAL SubGenius Devivals... AS THEY HAPPENED! Games, trivia and Quizzes! Shameless letters and confessions from the Flock! And even (as a break from the dreadful seriousness)... a zany, rib-ticklin' Humor section!
Cavern of Conspiracies... The House of Hate... The Zoo of Missing Links... True Bummers: politics, evil rival kooks, inside-Church rumors and gossip... and the meanest, most heartless flaming in all the vast reaches of cyberspace. PLUS: Sterno's Corner!
The Men's Room
Your only source for Face Fucking Bat Sperm Antidote Pudding.
Strap on your information catheter and be flushed down the digital sewer.
The Ladies' Room
Women's Issues and Prairie Squid habitat.
Learn how to attend and partake of LIVE online Church Worship Meetings and Sunday Night Devivals in
SUBGENIUS IRC 'CHAT' LAND
Not for Children
Sacrifice your will, sign away your soul and smash your brain FLAT at
THE ALTAR
of the Cathedral of Slack!!
THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL: ONLINE
Address all correspondence, submissions, supplications, prayer requests and donations to The SubGenius Foundation, Inc., PO Box 204206, Austin, Texas, USA 78720; e-mail stang@subgenius.com; fax 216-320-9528. We are irresponsible with unsolicited contributions. DEALERS PLEASE INQUIRE FOR BULK RATES. Subscribers must inform this office of any change of address; failure to do so jeopardizes the subscriber's sole chance for Transfiguration and planetary escape on July 5, 2002, or 8661, whichicher comes first.
Fist-City by Stang; TV by Modemac; all other art this page by IrRev. Friday Jones.
COPYRIGHT © 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002 by The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. All rights reserved. The Graven Image of "Bob" Dobbs' Face is a registered trademark of The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.(clutch20)