National Public Safety Board member Henerretta Collins demonstrates the proper use of NPSB approved oral copulation attire at a recent U.S. Justice Department press conference.

In a surprise move, the National Public Safety Board and the U.S. Justice Department have announced the introduction of a federal statute requiring the use of mandated safety equipment during all acts of oral copulation. According to the Board's 1996 statistics at least 856 injuries and 18 deaths were directly attributable to accidents during oral sex acts. Tough new NPSB standards would require participants to meet minimum safety requirements in any sexual episode exceeding an intensity level of 3.4. The new guidelines stipulate that all persons involved in any sexual encounter above the prescribed level would be equipped with safety goggles, crash helmet, emergency oxygen supply, and flak jacket. In a related move, the Justice Department has introduced a bill requiring the registration of all purchases of mouthwash, kleenex and Certs breath mints. This legislation, according to Justice Department spokesperson Leon Coalscuttle, will enable federal authorities to better determine the identity of individuals exceeding the 3.4 intensity level. Coalscuttle also stated that violators of the new Safety Board guidelines would face up to 10 years imprisonment and/or a $10,000 fine.

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