The Lord Jesus, Rev DMS, and I arrived at Brushwood on Wednesday at 3AM.
Coming straight from Dallas by way of hermetically sealed airports and
cars, we were invigorated by the brisk air and thrilled to see stars
again for the first time since last XXDay. Grinning like maniacs, we
breathed in the musky essence of Brushwood and tingled in anticipation
of the arrival of our fellow Yetis.
As Wednesday wore on, the micro-city took shape. Smoke began to rise
from the woods of alt.slack village, cars covered with obscure bumper
stickers began to line the road and fields, and the happy, somewhat
terrifying sounds of unfettered Yetis playing with fire and water began
to fill the air.
On Thursday, registration, slack-barter, and the sales booth opened up
for business, and the slack really began to flow. This year's
electro-stimulo-explosabracelets were a fashionable white marked with
deluxe "x"s, and the painful "bugs" were totally eliminated from the
electric shock circuitry. I was really proud of the way the
slack-barter slots filled up fast -- SubGeniuses must be the most
civic-minded people of all! (or else everyone just wanted their money
back)
On Friday there were opening ceremonies. Inspiring speeches rocked the
unusually large crowd, and the Lord Jesus bent me over a box and
demonstrated for the crowd the fact that the Conspiracy's Valentine's
Day "heart" shape is actually not a tracing of a heart, but of a FEMALE
ASS. Was I wearing panties? HELL NO! As the Lord pointed out, in THIS
church, we CLOSE the DEAL. Some young yetis, including Frodo, were able
for the first time to view a real pussy! My heart swelled with a
feeling of goodness just from knowing that I gave my young, horny Yeti
brothers a chance to see and possibly smell (they crowded pretty close)
Pussy, which by rights they OUGHT to be getting ALL THE DAMN TIME, if it
weren't for the fucking CONSPIRACY.
On Friday morning, kevbob proudly told me that he brought all necessary
supplies for coffeemaking, and that coffee would be available in
alt.slack woods as soon as he figured out how to make fire. Although
kevbob never did really figure out the fire thing, Rev Ken, another
alt.slacker, did. Praise Rev. Ken, fire-maker! The coffee was superb.
They even had supplies for Irish Coffee, locking in my vote for Best
Campsite. (They came in a close third, after Frop Zone and Quijibo
A-Go-Go.)
Friday also featured the Fetish Ball. Since everyone KNOWS how sexy the
Connieites are, especially if they bought the pin-up calendar, this
report focuses on the steamy, bonobo MEN of the Church. Chris Lee got
everyone hot and bothered with his corduroy fetish hood-mask -- if you
missed rubbing that fuzzy, ribbed dome, you missed a nipple-tingling,
oozesquirt experience. Boddhitsava Troutwaxer also got my juices
flowing with his shiny vinyl french maid's outfit. Doc Frop had to beat
randy Yetis off with a stick -- everyone wanted to run their hands
through his silky feather boa. But of all the sexy fetishists, the most
bizarre was Cheeto Man, who wore a suit covered completely in Cheetos.
While not exactly sexy, it was still really cool to look at.
During the Ball, Sister Decadence proudly wore her strap-on cock for the
Suck Sister Decadence's Cock Contest. The Lord Jesus was the first
contender, shocking everyone with his ball-licking, enthusiastic
performance. When asked where he learned this technique, he said,
"That's how Mary Magdalen does it... only she does it better than that."
So although we didn't get around to producing Governor Rocknar's
24.5-hour porno movie, you could buy the video of Jesus sucking Sister
Decadence's cock, and squint a little...
And then it was time to BEAT NICKIE'S ASS. As part of closing the deal,
the Yetis who paid to spank her didn't hold anything back (except
Andreux, who's really a very sweet horny Yeti). Her screams of pain
echoed across the fields, yet, when it was over, her grin was enormous
and her eyes were glassy with something other than pain. Soon
afterward, she disappeared into the bushes with some lucky young lad.
Late that night, Papa Joe Mama did an awesome, surprise rant! Those who
went to bed too early missed out on this intense harangue about some
very important SubGenius topics.
Even LATER Friday night, I administrated my annual test for the Official
Hardest Partiers at XXXDay. Only those who stay up around the campfire
all night Friday, until the cafe opens for breakfast at 8AM, and then
get breakfast there, receive the coveted title of Hardest Partier. This
year only two yetis passed the test: Rev 808 and Rev Sikki Nixx. Praise
them!
Only they, and two others who arrived during the night (making them
ineligible for the award) were there to witness the arrival at 6:30AM of
four frat-boys from North Carolina who read in Spin Magazine that there
was some kind of orgy going on. My hilarious, sleep-deprived attempts
to explain the festival to them were fortunately caught on tape. I
can't wait to watch it and let out the guffaws I was hiding at the
time. The best part was when one of them said, "So... this is the
Church of Something, right??"
Although no one saw much of these former pinkboys during the festival,
we DID get their money and they are now Members, whether or not they
realize it. Thus, the ancient prophesy of the Book of the SubGenius, in
which pinkboyz wear "Bob" T-shirts without knowing of Slack, begins to
be fulfilled.
Saturday brought even more slack, as the Connieite Calendar Signing took
place. The calendar girls were decked out in their sluttiest, most
bizarre attire. Each girl took great care to sign the calendars in a
boldly surrealist style of her own, and these calendars are sure to
become treasured, sticky, favorites of their owners.
After the Calendar signing came the Flesh Cream Social, where the
delectable Sikki Nixx bared her silky, barely-legal flesh to the
toppings and appetites of the Yeti horde. My heart STILL pangs with
regret that she had already been eaten up by the time I got a chance at
her. This event will definitely have to be repeated next time.
The Bobtism was better than ever, with Dr. Legume's innovative idea of
Bobtising all the WOMEN first, so viewers wouldn't have to wait through
tedious lines of men affirming their vow to Reject the Conspiracy and
All its Evil Works, just to see titties bouncing in the water. Those
who only wanted to see the men also benefitted, having time to get a
leisurely snack before heading back to the pool.
Saturday afternoon I fell deathly ill. I blame Papa Joe: he said the
final, third, "NHGH", although it's also my fault because I said the
first one. It had NOTHING to do with kevbob. All I can say about my
illness is to reiterate: DON'T TAKE THE OTHER HALF!!! REALLY!!
Although I didn't get around very much, I was able to hear the awesome
music and roaring crowds of the Doktor Rants and Bands that played
Saturday Night. Praise Stang and the many other compulsive videotapers,
who got it all on tape.
The Lord Jesus also introduced the new, SubGenius Cult Symbol, which can
be seen on SubSite and a.b.s., I believe. It is basically a central
vertical line crossed by three horizontal lines. These represent "Bob's"
eyes, nose, and mouth. If you've ever taken a drawing class, you know
what this looks like. Jutting out from the corner of the center line
and the mouth line is a check-mark representing "Bob's" pipe.
It's easy to see "Bob" in the symbol once you know what it is, but Pinks
will see it as some kind of mystical, frightening, sex-devil-icon. The
best part about it is that any Christian Cross can be turned into the
SubGenius Symbol with the addition of a mere two lines and a
check-mark. Sterling silver pendants of the symbol sold out in only a
few minutes.
Saturday night, Reverend Stang stayed up partying hard, out-partying all
the young punks. But at 6:30AM, he decided to rest his tired old eyes
for just one moment... Meanwhile, down at the pavillion, Modemac
rallied the crowd, the largest turnout for a Drill ever!
As the minutes went by and Reverend Stang still didn't appear, a betting
pool formed. In the last five minutes, odds ran up to 20-to-1 against
Stang showing up. Unfortunately for those few Stangophiles who bet
against these incredible odds, Reverend Stang missed the countdown.
Enraged, the crowd put that "You Reap What You Sow" song from the Matrix
soundtrack on the boombox, turned it up all the way, and marched on the
trailer. Finding the doors locked, they put the boom box up to the
window and began a battering-ram attack. Like Quasimodo defending Notre
Dame, Governor Rocknar inexplicably appeared in the doorway of the
trailer and roared at the crowd like a wounded black bear. The mob
quickly dispersed and went back to the pavillion to regroup.
At 7:12AM, Reverend Stang sprang from his room wild-eyed, dazed, and
confused. When he found out what time it was, he uttered something
unprintable and went back to bed to gain some oh-so-richly-deserved sack
slack.
Although the Sunday Morning Countdown was only a Drill, the Xists were
kind enough to deliver my new clone body a few days early, since I was
deathly ill. Praise the Xists! I made it to the pavillion only a few
minutes late, and was able to enjoy the many slackful events of Sunday,
including the Zecheriah Sitchen discussion, the Surprise Cake Delivery
from Pope Black, the Pot-Luck Supper and the Quijibo A-Go-Go party. My
new body was too weak to make it all the way to the Geddyn's, but my
love-mojo was pointed in that direction.
So! All I can say to those who say they feel like not much happened, is
that your brain has not yet finished decompressing the media-barrage
onslaught of sheer intensity that was XXXDay. As time passes, you will
be able to "take" more and more of the "hidden" memories, and you will
Praise "Bob" with all your "heart" (or ass).
Original file name: MAGDALEN'S SEXXXY XXXDAY REŠ
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