Date: Mon, Jul 3, 2000 5:40 PM
Yowza! I'm back home, and the Rupture is less than 36 hours away! PRAISE
"BOB!"
My God, all the things that happened there!!!
You know, since XXX-Day was a celebration of porn and sex, it was ironic that
there was actually *less* nakedness this year than the previous two years. I
suspect this is why we're probably going to be seeing a bunch of whining posts
on alt.slack saying, "Hey, where was all the naked sex you promised us?!?" I
have only one thing to say to those of you who sat back and *watched* and
didn't jump in: We have said repeatedly that if you just sit back and say
"I'm here, entertain me!" then you WILL be disappointed. On the other hand,
those of us who actually went out and DID stuff had one of the best fucking
times EVER.
AGAIN!
And the things that DID happen will truly go down in the annals of SubGenius
history!
- The near-death of Pastor Craig! (I'm not kidding, either!)
- The shattering premiere of the new SubGenius preaching superstar, CARDINAL
SIN!
- The emergence of REVEREND PHLOIGHD as one of the great movers and shakers of
XXX-Day!
- The thundering bellows and powerful keyboards of the world-famous HELLPOPE
HUEY!
- The triumphant FETISH BALL!
- Sister Decadence! (No more elaboration is needed.)
- The greatest Bulldada Auction EVER!
- The BANDS! LITTLE FYODOR! ESO! BLISS AMERICA! NUMBER SIX! THE DUKE OF
UKE! JEHOVAH HATES PHRED! *ALL* of these bands ROCKED THE HOUSE DOWN!
- And yes, THE NAKEDNESS! The Bobtism, the Connie-ites, the Valentine's Card!
- The *WORLD PREMIERE* of the NEW LOGO for the Church of the SubGenius: THE
"BOB" ICON! (I LOVE it and I endorse it proudly!)
- And so much, much, much more!
- And most of all: THE PEOPLE! ALL OF YOU WHO WERE THERE! *YOU* made this
such a FUCKING GREAT TIME that I am going to be praising ALL OF YOU for ALL OF
ETERNITY!!!
- And THE RUPTURE is coming the day after tomorrow.
PRAISE "BOB!"
--
First Online Church of "Bob"
http://www.modemac.com/
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Sermon for Monday, July 3 -- Don't Get Your Hopes Up [Was: XXX-DAY!!! WOW!!!]
From: andreux@eterna.net (andreux)
modemac@modemac.com (Modemac) wrote:
>You know, since XXX-Day was a celebration of porn and sex, it was ironic that
>there was actually *less* nakedness this year than the previous two years.
I chalk this one up to the fact that it was DAMN COLD.
>I suspect this is why we're probably going to be seeing a bunch of whining posts
>on alt.slack saying, "Hey, where was all the naked sex you promised us?!?"
Actually, there was MORE NEKKIDNESS than most of us really
CARED for, if you know what i mean... and if you were there,
you know EXACTLY what I mean.
>I have only one thing to say to those of you who sat back and *watched* and
>didn't jump in: We have said repeatedly that if you just sit back and say
>"I'm here, entertain me!" then you WILL be disappointed. On the other hand,
>those of us who actually went out and DID stuff had one of the best fucking
>times EVER.
I think this was one of the reasons why I left just a wee
bit disappointed.
Now, don't get me wrong, Lil did an outstanding job organizing
the "non-events". The bands, the ranters... Everything went
off with barely a hitch. One may say that you could term the
pavillion events as LIL-A-PALOOZA.
That's right... LIL-A-PALOOZA, where ze bands shall play on
time!!!
And, while it's GREAT that everything went smoothly, there was
very little "randomness" to the whole weekend... I missed the
strange yet unexpected events that happened at previous
X-Days... No one getting on stage and pissing on anyone. No
shit in the pool. No drunken piercings of body parts. No
squid face-fucking. It was "show" or it was "slack". Nothing
more, nothing less.
And, this leads me to my new "catchphrase for X-Days":
ENLIGHTENMENT, DEATH, OR ETERNAL BOREDOM. YOU MUST CHOOSE.
I *was* going to engage in a heated sermon about this issue,
about returning to that Old Timey Religious roots of HATE,
HATE and MORE HATE, but it struck me... This year at least,
everyone got one or more of three choices:
ENLIGHTENMENT, DEATH, OR ETERNAL BOREDOM.
Legume received the first two... I'm sure he'll let us all
in on the joke when he returns.
I personally received enlightenment...
Modemac, it seems like you got a little, too...
But what of those who came there expecting CYBERSPASMIC
SEX WITH YETI GODDESSES? What of those who advertised their
tentacles, but received a non-plussed shrug from those
who read the billboard? What of those who expected INSANITY
and PERVERSITY to be handed to them on a silver platter?
They received the third of the choices, dear friends:
ETERNAL BOREDOM. They may not know it now, but they will
someday realise that they had the chance to SCORE IT BIG
ON XXX-DAY...
...and they barely uttered a half-hearted "praise
you-know-who".
IT'S TRUE, BRETHREN... What of the talk of line speeds
at the campfires? What of the CRITIQUES OF STANG'S SERMONS
that could be overheard? Lord forbid, but I overheard the
voice of one young lad exclaim, "Well, Stang's bit was okay,
but 80% of it was OLD MATERIAL."
FRIENDS, THE DAY WE SIT HERE AND CRITIQUE THE "FRESHNESS"
OF THE WORD OF DOBBS IS THE DAY WE MUST WORRY THAT WE BLEW
OUR CHANCE AND DIDN'T CLOSE THE DEAL.
Oh, that Old Timey Religion just don't CUT IT with you
anymore, DOES IT? You SUBGENIUS DOT COM kids... You
YETI FOR THE NEW MILLENIUM don't want to HEAR about how
Dobbs might be out forming a NEW religion... a new
religion based on the founding emotions which first
forged this Church out of the COLD HARD STEEL NEEDED
TO KILL THE CONSPIRACY...
And that emotion, my friends, since many of us have
seemed to FORGOTTEN is HATE.
HATE. The emotion that drives you to GET THE JOB DONE.
HATE. The thing that gets you OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.
HATE. The fuel that makes you BETTER THAN THOSE AROUND YOU.
HATE. That necessary ink in your mighty pen/sword that
allows you to SIGN on the DOTTED LINE and CLOSE THE DEAL.
HATE. IT'S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE.
How saddened I was that *I* had to drop a mere $40 to
make sure that Papa Joe had SOLD OUT of his amazing
tapes and inspiring artwork! Here is our very own
JACK T. CHICK, delivering to us the veritable word
of our SAVIOUR and most of us were more concerned about
the AVAILABILITY of PUSSY and the FRESHNESS of STANG'S RANT.
Quite frankly, if the X-ists don't come through this year,
it's because there just wasn't enough of us ready to
TAKE UP ARMS and help DESTROY THE CONSPIRACY because
some of us would rather be FUCKING.
(Not that fucking isn't a worthwhile passtime, friends.
Don't get me wrong... But isn't exiting this planet our
PRIMARY GOAL?)
We must ask ourselves if we're WORTHY of Dobbs' attention.
We must query the deepest part of our souls and ask if
we're WORTHY to be saved.
How many of us are willing to push our own dear mothers
down a flight of stairs for "Bob"? How many of us are
willing to hack off the heads of the normals that PISS
US OFF and STACK THEM like the yuppies stack their
Budweiser cans? How many of us took the time to prep
our personal survival packs and make sure that our
rifles were WELL OILED and LOADED for the possible
Armageddon?
Very few of us, I fear... Very few of us indeed.
As Papa Joe said on Saturday, it's a sad moment when
a majority of those who flew to Brushwood bought
ROUND TRIP TICKETS.
No, no one wanted to hear about this at Brushwood.
No one wanted to face the fact that Dobbs has
GIVEN UP ON US. No one wanted to CLOSE THE DEAL
and ACCEPT THE RESPONSIBILITY that we FUCKED UP.
We simply didn't HATE enough. And that's why we
may still be here. For another year. For another
millenium. Perhaps FOREVER.
>PRAISE "BOB!"
Indeed. We must all praise and hate him more
if we're ever going to get off this rock.
"Oh, but this year, it was about SEX..."
If you thought Brushwood this year was only
about SEX, then no wonder you didn't GET OFF.
-st. andreux
---
saint@prairienet.org
nichole's panties on sale... cheep. inquire within
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Sermon for Monday, July 3 -- Don't Get Your Hopes Up [Was: XXX-DAY!!! WOW!!!]
From: modemac@modemac.com (Modemac)
Date: Tue, Jul 4, 2000 5:49 AM
md_archangelDINKY@hotmail.com (mykal d'archangel) wrote:
>There's so much more of chaos and mayhem that took place that night,
>that it cannot be told merely by myself. It was all there Andruex...
>you just missed it.
I'm sorry I slept through most of it, but exhaustion took its toll and I
passed out right there in the Hierarchy trailer. Glad I was able to make the
early evening party, though, to hear that song on Or Kill Me ("Yo Mama's A
Crack Whore") and to meet Hellpope Huey. That towering giant of a man is
sheer COOLNESS and SLACK with a capital C-and-S. Still, a good night's sleep
(well, sleep for *most* of the night) made the trip home the next day all the
easier.
I *strongly* recommend that anyone who goes to Brushwood stay an extra night
before heading back. As St. Mykal D'Archangel notes, you'll see even MORE
weird stuff...but even more than that, the extra sleep could very well SAVE
YOUR LIFE. And I'm not joking about that.
--
First Online Church of "Bob"
http://www.modemac.com/
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Sermon for Monday, July 3 -- Don't Get Your Hopes Up [Was: XXX-DAY!!! WOW!!!]
From: Reverend AmphibiousAssault <revamph@mtco.com>
In article <39616035.48771619@news.enteract.com>, andreux@eterna.net
says...
> Actually, there was MORE NEKKIDNESS than most of us really
> CARED for, if you know what i mean... and if you were there,
> you know EXACTLY what I mean.
I'm fairly certain that I do know EXACTLY what andreux means, but I think
he also missed a fair amount of uberfemme nekkidness that more than made
up for the hobbit nekkidness.
> It was "show" or it was "slack". Nothing
> more, nothing less.
I give. What's BAD about that?
> And, this leads me to my new "catchphrase for X-Days":
>
> ENLIGHTENMENT, DEATH, OR ETERNAL BOREDOM. YOU MUST CHOOSE.
Nice catchphrase, but there's a flaw. "Enlightenment" & "Eternal Boredom"
are both pretty much in the eye of the beholder. And sometimes, they can
be one and the same. Not everyone will agree, of course, but sometimes,
boredom IS slack.
>
> But what of those who came there expecting CYBERSPASMIC
> SEX WITH YETI GODDESSES? What of those who advertised their
> tentacles, but received a non-plussed shrug from those
> who read the billboard? What of those who expected INSANITY
> and PERVERSITY to be handed to them on a silver platter?
In some respects, being at the X-Day celebration is no different than
life on this Pink planet. If you are "expecting" something, you pretty
much have two options: Make it happen, or be disappointed.
> IT'S TRUE, BRETHREN... What of the talk of line speeds
> at the campfires? What of the CRITIQUES OF STANG'S SERMONS
> that could be overheard? Lord forbid, but I overheard the
> voice of one young lad exclaim, "Well, Stang's bit was okay,
> but 80% of it was OLD MATERIAL."
"young lad" Why, thank you, andreux. It's been years since I've been
called that.
> Oh, that Old Timey Religion just don't CUT IT with you
> anymore, DOES IT? You SUBGENIUS DOT COM kids... You
> YETI FOR THE NEW MILLENIUM don't want to HEAR about how
> Dobbs might be out forming a NEW religion... a new
> religion based on the founding emotions which first
> forged this Church out of the COLD HARD STEEL NEEDED
> TO KILL THE CONSPIRACY...
Funny how some of us only catch fire AFTER the event is over, isn't it?
That's not a criticism, I'm guilty of the same thing.
>
> HATE. That necessary ink in your mighty pen/sword that
> allows you to SIGN on the DOTTED LINE and CLOSE THE DEAL.
>
> HATE. IT'S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE.
I don't think most of us have forgotten the hate at all. It's just that
for many of us, X-Day is our chance to relax for a time, and enjoy the
slack that comes from hanging out in the woods with others of our ilk, at
least, until such time as one can't STAND them any more, and one goes
home, ready to do battle once more.
> Quite frankly, if the X-ists don't come through this year,
> it's because there just wasn't enough of us ready to
> TAKE UP ARMS and help DESTROY THE CONSPIRACY because
> some of us would rather be FUCKING.
Funny...this, from the same Yeti who was trying to encourage fucking at
X-Day '98.
> (Not that fucking isn't a worthwhile passtime, friends.
> Don't get me wrong... But isn't exiting this planet our
> PRIMARY GOAL?)
SLACK is the primary goal. Getting off the planet is one way to achieve
that.
> We must ask ourselves if we're WORTHY of Dobbs' attention.
> We must query the deepest part of our souls and ask if
> we're WORTHY to be saved.
$30 sent to the sacred PO Box makes us worthy. Or has Church doctrine
changed while my back was turned?
> If you thought Brushwood this year was only
> about SEX, then no wonder you didn't GET OFF.
Hmmm... I have no idea who andreux spent all his time with, but I know
plenty of folks who got no sex, spent little, if any, time thinking about
it, and still GOT OFF.
Hate, Exiting the planet, etc... these are ALL means of getting slack.
And maybe Stang's rant wasn't particularly fresh, but if you listened to
it, as I did, THAT was basically the point. SLACK. So, reach deep down
into that Yeti brain of yours, and remember the one thing that the
SubGenius MUST have. Some of us got it this past weekend. If you
didn't, I'm sorry, but it's not my fucking fault, or problem.
-Amph
--
Reverend AmphibiousAssault
Church of the Inevitable Revolution
"History Ends Right Now!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Sermon for Monday, July 3 -- Don't Get Your Hopes Up [Was: XXX-DAY!!! WOW!!!]
From: Locnar@IgLou.com (Governor Rocknar)
>
> I chalk this one up to the fact that it was DAMN COLD.
>
More like FUCKIN COLDER THAN HELL!! God DAMN was it ever COLD at
night/early morning! Thank Bob I packed my long underwear! Daytime was
fine, in fact almost TOO FINE. I still got a sunburn rupture, but nowhere
near as bad as it was last year. So far the only peelin I got is right on
the nose.
> Now, don't get me wrong, Lil did an outstanding job organizing
> the "non-events". The bands, the ranters... Everything went
> off with barely a hitch. One may say that you could term the
> pavillion events as LIL-A-PALOOZA.
>
> That's right... LIL-A-PALOOZA, where ze bands shall play on
> time!!!
That's cause Lil doesn't book "wigger" bands like Limp Dicks-it and their
bitch-boy Fred Durst. Are you reading this Freddie? You are? GOOD! YOU
SUCK, FRED! YOUR WHOLE BAND SUCKS! WHAT YOUR BAND DID RECENTLY SUCKS! YOU
THINK IT'S COOL TO BE FASHIONABLY LATE? IF YOUR PINK CONSPIRACY BAND
PULLED THAT SHIT AT ONE OF OUR X-DAY CELEBRATIONS, LIL WOULD HAVE HAPPILY
BUMPED YOUR ASS OFF STAGE AND WE'D LYNCH YOU AND YOUR NO TALENT BAND OFF
BRUSHWOOD! I HOPE YOUR TEENAGE CRACK WHORES BRITANY SPEARS AND CARMEN
ELECTRA ARE FASHIONABLY LATE WITH THEIR PERIODS CAUSE OF YOU, FREDDIE!!
>
> I *was* going to engage in a heated sermon about this issue,
> about returning to that Old Timey Religious roots of HATE,
> HATE and MORE HATE, but it struck me... This year at least,
> everyone got one or more of three choices:
>
There was a 30-second text news on Headline News today. In Kentucky, a man
attending a conspiracy church was BITTEN IN THE FACE while holding a
RATTLESNAKE as part of "their faith". I told my dad as we watched this
little news-byte, "Now THERE'S a hard core religion."
My dad has always been a bit skeptical about the SubGenius. He asked me,
"why do you continue to give money to this 'Bob' religion? It's all a
scam."
I told him quite simply, "ALL religion is a scam. The Church of the
SubGenius is the only one that OPENLY ADMITS it's a scam. You should be
happy I'm not involved in the Church of Scientology or Branch-Davidians or
some REALLY CRAZY CHURCH!". He actually laughed out loud when I explained
this to him. I also explained, "We might be stupid, but we're not THAT
stupid to go holding rattlesnakes on stage."
At least I HOPE we're not that stupid.
> ENLIGHTENMENT, DEATH, OR ETERNAL BOREDOM.
>
> Legume received the first two... I'm sure he'll let us all
> in on the joke when he returns.
>
> I personally received enlightenment...
>
> Modemac, it seems like you got a little, too...
>
Somehow, I feel as though I got ALL THREE. How? By myself, I had to make
the long, lonely trip from Sports Land to Brushwood and back again in the
Governor's Truck. On those long stretches of Interstate highway, I felt
like nodding off. DID I actually "arrive" at Brushwood? Had I actually
attended, or did I "die" in a car wreck along the way? It all felt so
surreal, like it was all a dream and I HAD died on the highway and (to me,
anyway) being in Brushwood was my idea of being in SubGenius Heaven.
And then a horrible realization came to me, that Brushwood WAS Heaven and
that we were only allowed four days a year in Heaven, to be sentenced to
361 days of Hell for the rest of the year.
I had all 361 days last year to get ready, but being the true Yeti slacker
I am, I waited until the LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT in packing all my shit. Bob
DAMN the Sony PlayStation that my friend and Lt. Governor LoneWolf (e-mail
kylonewolf_2000@yahoo.com) has!
I spent way too much time goofing off with the game WWF SmackDown and
building my own custom wrestler, Mini-Rock. Good thing I didn't jump into
the Blood Wrasslin' pit this year or else I might have ended up worse than
poor Pastor Craig. I might have re-broken my right arm that was
incapacitcated in the Assassination attempt I survived last October. Or
probably much much worse.
> But what of those who came there expecting CYBERSPASMIC
> SEX WITH YETI GODDESSES? What of those who advertised their
> tentacles, but received a non-plussed shrug from those
> who read the billboard? What of those who expected INSANITY
> and PERVERSITY to be handed to them on a silver platter?
Insanity and Perversity WAS handed to us on a silver platter. Who will
ever forget the insanity and perversity of "Spank Nickie DeathChick's Ass"
or "Suck Sister Decadence's Cock Competition"?
> They received the third of the choices, dear friends:
> ETERNAL BOREDOM. They may not know it now, but they will
> someday realise that they had the chance to SCORE IT BIG
> ON XXX-DAY...
>
> ...and they barely uttered a half-hearted "praise
> you-know-who".
Actually, in the wee hours of July 2nd, I heard a quite audible "PRAISE
BOB" as one of the many rockets roared into the skies.
> IT'S TRUE, BRETHREN... What of the talk of line speeds
> at the campfires? What of the CRITIQUES OF STANG'S SERMONS
> that could be overheard? Lord forbid, but I overheard the
> voice of one young lad exclaim, "Well, Stang's bit was okay,
> but 80% of it was OLD MATERIAL."
To think some Bobbie was actually KEEPING SCORE! Christ, what's next?
"Well, I thought (fill-in-the-blank) was okay, but I heard most of those
songs last year. Like what you hear on CONSPIRACY radio ISN'T? Like what I
SAY is "new"? Friends, IF YOU WANT NEW MATERIAL, THEN YOU WRITE IT UP AND
RANT IT ON STAGE NEXT YEAR!
> FRIENDS, THE DAY WE SIT HERE AND CRITIQUE THE "FRESHNESS"
> OF THE WORD OF DOBBS IS THE DAY WE MUST WORRY THAT WE BLEW
> OUR CHANCE AND DIDN'T CLOSE THE DEAL.
>
> Oh, that Old Timey Religion just don't CUT IT with you
> anymore, DOES IT? You SUBGENIUS DOT COM kids... You
> YETI FOR THE NEW MILLENIUM don't want to HEAR about how
> Dobbs might be out forming a NEW religion... a new
> religion based on the founding emotions which first
> forged this Church out of the COLD HARD STEEL NEEDED
> TO KILL THE CONSPIRACY...
I don't care what new religion springs up from the salt-laden soil of the
Conspiracy. Just as long as it doesn't involve handling dangerous
reptiles, with the exception of GODZILLA!
> And that emotion, my friends, since many of us have
> seemed to FORGOTTEN is HATE.
>
> HATE. The emotion that drives you to GET THE JOB DONE.
>
> HATE. The thing that gets you OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.
>
> HATE. The fuel that makes you BETTER THAN THOSE AROUND YOU.
>
> HATE. That necessary ink in your mighty pen/sword that
> allows you to SIGN on the DOTTED LINE and CLOSE THE DEAL.
>
> HATE. IT'S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE.
There's a line in the third of the Omen movie series, "The Final
Conflict". Damien tells this female British journalist whom he's about to
bang,
"True evil is as pure as innocence. People simply confuse evil with the
trivial lusts and perversions in their everyday lives."
To that end, people confuse innocence with generosity and kindness. The
underlying message is this:
The powers of Evil are just as dangerous in a House of Light as the powers
of Good are in a House of Darkness.
But the powers of the SUBGENIUS are dangerous in BOTH HOUSES!
> How saddened I was that *I* had to drop a mere $40 to
> make sure that Papa Joe had SOLD OUT of his amazing
> tapes and inspiring artwork! Here is our very own
> JACK T. CHICK, delivering to us the veritable word
> of our SAVIOUR and most of us were more concerned about
> the AVAILABILITY of PUSSY and the FRESHNESS of STANG'S RANT.
I did my part to help Papa Joe Mama with his collection of Jack T. Chick
tract comic books. I traded one of my dollar bills with "666" in it's
serial number. Papa Joe was so impressed by the numerological significance
of this dollar, he put it away in a special pocket, so he wouldn't spend
it right away.
>
> No, no one wanted to hear about this at Brushwood.
> No one wanted to face the fact that Dobbs has
> GIVEN UP ON US. No one wanted to CLOSE THE DEAL
> and ACCEPT THE RESPONSIBILITY that we FUCKED UP.
We fucked up by SLEEPING IN on Sunday at 7:00 am. Besides which, it was a
DRILL anyway. The REAL XXX-Day is on the 5th, after all.
> We simply didn't HATE enough. And that's why we
> may still be here. For another year. For another
> millenium. Perhaps FOREVER.
>
>
> >PRAISE "BOB!"
>
$6.00 for the Playboy that gracefully spanked Nickie DeathChick's ass.
That magazine should have gotten MUCH MUCH MORE!
--
Gov. Rocknar
Randolph S. Vance
Locnar@Iglou.com (Macintosh Eudora Mail)
QUOTE - "I'll watch some TV, it'll help me to RELAX!" - Ren Hoek
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Sermon for Monday, July 3 -- Don't Get Your Hopes Up [Was: XXX-DAY!!! WOW!!!]
From: phred523@aol.com (Phred523)
>Actually, there was MORE NEKKIDNESS than most of us really
> CARED for, if you know what i mean... and if you were there,
> you know EXACTLY what I mean.
I just wanted to point out something that I have said at each X-day drill
and following X-days (including Dos Equis, you didn't hear me, but I was sayin'
it. It's True.)
"The people I want to see naked aren't. And the people I don't want to see
are." A little closed-minded of me, perhaps; but then again, I think it high
time we get back to that narrow-minded fanatic attack against fanatisismismmm
(sp?)
Anyhoo, I had a fine time. Like others have said. X-days are what you put
into it. You want to watch? Fine! Great! Dandy! I hope the misty fields of
Brushwood entertains you. Not that I mind a good quiet time, I don't. I like
squishy shoes as much as the next person. However, never let it be said that I
didn't do my part. Or if it is said, I can call you a Blackguard and a Liar,
and mean it!
Pope "Jelly is good, but dungarees are better, True!" Phred
Original file name: XXX-DAY!!! WOW!!!
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