XXX-DAY 2000 -- StangReport One

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.binaries.slack,alt.slack
Date: Thu, Jul 6, 2000 2:30 PM

"Bob" beat us at Tic Tac Toe.

It's DAMNED HARD TO LOSE at Tic Tac Toe, and neither side was even
trying. We put our big Zeros down carefully, and Dobbs drew his Xs
randomly, but in the end, our Nothingnesses were scattered all over the
square, and his Xs were lined up in a tidy row. HE WON AGAIN!!

The defining soundbite/slogan for XXX-DAY 2000:
"It's OK... It's OK... it's going great... hoo-boy.... oh yeah... it's
going great... everything's okay....
*AAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEAAAAAAARRGGGGHH!!!!!!!"
-- Pastor Craig Roll, rolled onto the stretcher by EMTs after having
his collarbone crushed for "Bob" during an ill-timed Living Sacrifice
to the Xists

Suggested slogans for

WHAT I GOT FOR XXX-DAY:

TOTAL SLACK in the form of a CAMPGROUND CHOCK FULL OF HAPPY
SUBGENIUSES. I have never seen everybody so god damned CHEERFUL! Almost
EVERY SubGenius freaks out at some point during X-Day weekend, and if
anybody did, *I SURE DIDN'T SEE IT!* That was my very favorite part of
XXX-Day. Even poor Pastor Craig, his bones pulverized for "Bob," kept
saying how great everything was going, between screams.

The biggest LAFF I got during XXXX-Day, from the "stage" events anyway,
was Modemac's posterboard "multimedia show" for 7:05 am, with "Thus
Spake Zarathstra" climaxing on: "XXXX-DAY 2001! ""Bob." Stop. My mind
is going.""

As promised in Pamphlet #1, I got HARD CORE HEAVY SEXHURT FOR HOURS AND
HOURS, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, with a beautiful live girl (AND THE ONLY
ACTUAL SPACE QUEEN IN THE CAMPGROUND BESIDES ASTRO-BABE), including a
pre-dawn DEFILING OF THE PULPIT. (Thanks to the Legumes for the
original idea and inspiration, thanks to Ed Strange for making the
Pulpit the PERFECT height.)

I got, mailed directly to Brushwood at the last minute, two 2" METAL
CLASSIC 2-D DOBBSHEADS (WITH DOTS!!!) from "Blackout" in Flagstaff. We
used them to program and mind-control tripping youngsters by shining
flashlights behind the Dobbsheads, projecting ever-warping Dobbshead
patterns on the walls of the trailer while playing weird psychedelic
spook-house music (by Tekito).

Rev. Susie the Floozy gave me an XXX-Day motion picture film CLAPBOARD,
which I used to warp reality while establishing a sync point for the
Heavenly Editor, a DOBBS SERVICES shirt once belonging to a "BOB,"
extra-long Barbecue Bob matches (for extra long Escape Vessel
fropsticks), many important clippings showing Proof of "Bob," and a
SUPERB LOBE JOB!!! She also happened to throw in a little 3 gallon
GLASS BOWL HAND-ETCHED BY HER WITH THE PERFECT XXX-DAY LOGO ART!!

Dr. Legume gave me a hand made SKULL AMULET PROTECTIVE MAGIC NECKLACE.
It protects the wearer from Dr. Legume. Legume himself unfortunately
forgot to wear one when he went to visit El Diablo.

I got GREAT NEW CDs full of PERFECT HOUR OF SLACK MATERIAL from JHVH
HATES PHRED, Heather Hillman, and SAINT 'N! And soon I will have the
NEW EINSTEIN'S SECRET ORCHESTRA CD, "SEX IN ANOTHER DIMENSION"!

I also got the BEST RECORDINGS YET, on DAT, of ANY SubGenius devival,
thanks to REGIS SEDLOCK of Sounds Gud in Cleveland!! (All bands -- I
have you on cassette tape now; dunno yet which are also on DAT. Tell me
where to send copies.)

I got to meet a mighty load of new SubGenii and NONE of them seemed to
be in the least JACKASSININE!

We all got a MAGIC CAKE, SHIPPED DIRECT FROM AMSTERDAM by POPE BLACK,
accompanied by his INTENSE REVELATORY VISION of the Sex Goddesses with
23 Holes. (Ironicaly, Dr. Legume happens to have exactly 24 DICKS, so
this news broke his heart.)

I got GUMMI BUTTS from Miss Sakamoto!

Friday Jones, waylaid in Stockholm, nonetheles sent enough FINE FOODS
to keep the entire Hierarchy alive through the entire weekend! And
Jacques Treatment & Critter provided nightly repasts of FREE JUNKFOOD
and COFFEE!

I got my hands on new ART, actual PAPER ART, from Rev. Craig Mitchell
and Hellpope Huey, plus Cardinal Sin's CYBERSPUD zine (10 years in the
making), and a REVEALING article about the mysterious prank call
arteest, LUCIUS TATE!!

And let's not forget the new CONNIETITE CALENDAR, July 2000 to July
2001, now rendered ALL TOO IRONICALLY USEFUL thanks to "Bob's" THIRD
FUCK-UP!! That Calendar is so hot, I'll be jacking off 11 times a day
for the next 350 days!

Rev. Codini gave me a CD-R with a 288 mb Quicktime movie of his amazing
X-Day animation sequence, "END TIMES" (seen in the XX-Day section of
SubSITE in much abbreviated form.) Rev. Crawford Smith gave me a CD of
photos from the Amsterdam Church Field Trip.

ESO maestro Chas Smith got a NEW SPACE UNIFORM custom made by Rev.
Bunny, which matches my Bunny-made green jungle preaching jacket (the
one with the feathers).

I got to do a "Farewell Earth" improvised rant on OR KILL ME RADIO. And
the CASSETTE TAPE on which I had half-hoped to remotely RECORD such a
rant for Hour of Slack use, left far away from the station, indeed
lasted EXACTLY LONG ENOUGH to get the WHOLE RANT. The tape ended about
two seconds after my ranting did.

I got 'FROP!!! REAL Habafropzipulops, not "pot" or "grass" or whatever
the kids call that stuff they smoke. From SANTA CLAUS. "Bob's" real
dad, the "travelling milkman" on whom Santa Claus is based, attends
the X-Day Drills faithfully. You didn't know that, did you. But he is
always in disguise. HINT: He arrives and leaves with Sister
Decadence.)

I may not have gotten a new Escape Saucer or planet of my own, but when
Wei and I got home, the house we rent had been repainted.

Special Thanks to the Sherman Volunteer Fire Department and Westfield
Memorial for their valiant if vain efforts to help us slay Pastor
Craig. We collected about $75 in donations for them from the SubGenii.

And that's just a partial list of the mere material THINGS that I got
out of XXX-Day. They're easy to list because they are stacked up around
the wharehouse here. There's almost no way to describe the purity of
Slack that I personally SOAKED IN, this Drill. As I wend my way through
the videotapes, photos and audio recordings, memories will slowly leak
back in, and I will try to share the best and worst of them somehow.

Why some Hollywood or NYC vampires haven't tried to latch onto this
thing is beyond me. They must REALLY be dumbasses.

But we, the brilliant SubGenii, shall cling for ONE MORE YEAR to this
rock, and, failing that, SHALL Build Our Own Ships, and, failing that,
STEAL our own Ships, and, failing that, merely "BUILD OUR OWN
AMSTERDAMS" while biding our time -- and while, each in our own
inexplicable ways, eating away like viruses at the heart of the
Conspiracy's immune system. LET THE DISCORDIANS LAUGH -- WE MAY NOT
HAVE GOTTEN TO DESTROY THE ERATH AND BUILD OUR OWN PLANETS FOR $30,
YET, BUT WE SURE AS HELL GOT LAID!!

"So many religions, so little clues." -- Rev. Bunny

"BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME." -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs

--
Copyright 2000 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 2nd Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected: PO Box 19355 Cleveland OH 44119
The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.: PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214
http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack / PRABOB
Fax: 216-738-0150
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: XXX-DAY 2000 -- StangReport One
From: monsterwax@aol.com (Monsterwax)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Fri, Jul 7, 2000 9:32 AM

That's great. You "Got" all that stuff. But the big question is, what did you
"Give"?

"Ask not what 'Bob' can do for you, but what you can do for 'Bob'"

As I stumble around in the ashes of Subgenius Xday hopes, I can't help but
wonder what went wrong. How many times can "Bob" dash our hopes, yet still
provide enough inspiration for us to make it through a another year. There's
got to be a way to make sense of it. He didn't "forget" us did he? There has to
be a reason! Some explanation. But then I realized like the lover that has been
stood up, that no amount of imagination is going to save me from the ugly
truth. He wasn't stuck in traffic. He didn't have a flat tire. Nothing came up
a the last minute. He was AVOIDING US-- plain and simple.

Stand me up once, shame on you. Stand me up thrice, shame on me!

Yes friends, it doesn't take a Doctor Laura to tell us what we already know
deep down. "Bob" doesn't like us any more. He probably never did. He only "used
us" for his own satisfaction. We've got to accept this fact and stop making
excuses.

But there is still hope dear friends. We can still "Make" Bob love us again if
we do the necessary work. We have to to lose weight, get buff, and shave the
appropriate places. We have to wear easy access clothes and SEDUCE "Bob". He
may be a God, but he's still a man-- and no man can say "no" to quality
hardcore hot and steamy monkey sex. Not if the target is half decent, willing
and able.

Next X-day, the old "let's talk" crabby overweight lover with a chip on their
shoulder is gone. I don't know about you, but I'm getting ready for ACTION. I'm
arriving to X-day with one thing in mind: Sex with "Bob"-- and I'm going to
make sure he knows it. I'm not talking about a Monica Lewinski "I'm so ugly but
I'll still give you a blow job" look. No. That may be good enough for a
President, but it ain't good enough for a God. What I'm talking about is a SEXY
Jennifer Flowers "Everyone wants to screw me but you're the only one I'll let
do it without a condom" gaze. Who can resist sex with a torch song singer that
seduces an entire audience every night? We have one year to finish our makever.
If we do, we'll have "Bob"s peter in our pocket. No doubt about it friends,
it's a forgone conclusion. It's all over but the climax!

Then "Bob" will HAVE to take us if he really wants pleasure on his saucers.
After all, he may preach salvation, but he's still a salesMAN.

So there is hope after all. We just need to make our own slack. And like they
say in the middle east, "Trust in 'Bob', but lube your camel."

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