Legume's XXX-Day

Well, shit, where to begin. Ah, the beginning, seems logical, eh?

The trip to Brushwood. My car was loaded up with everything necessary, food, clothes, and camping shit. The seats were filled with Redheads, my wife Susi and the Rabbi. I really love redheads, but boy, an eight-hour car ride with them yapping on your ear seems more like twelve.

Last year, on the way home from Brushwood, my alternater went to car-part heaven. My car died on an offramp of the Pennsylvania Turnpike, and we rolled into the parking lot of Dobbs' Country Kitchen. I shit you not; it's a few exits north of Clark's Summit. There was a garage behind the place where a guy fixed my car and I was on my way. This time, on the way TO Brushwood, my exhaust pipe broke off, and sure enough, it broke just before the exit to Dobbs Country Kitchen.

I got the car fixed while Susi and the Rabbi ate barbecue. While walking back from the restaurant, I stopped and picked up an injured yelow butterfly and put it in an evergreen tree to live out whatever remained of it's life.

Got to Brushwood to discover that the trailer had been GUTTED, the walls ripped out. The accomodations SUCKED. There was no privacy, and Susi and I ended up sharing a room with the Troutwaxers. Nice folks, but Susi and I (and whomever we decided was tasty enough to join us) weren't about to indulge in any bonobo thrashings for their entertainment or horror. Besides, they, like us, paid for the room, and deserved their privacy as much as we did. Mrs. troutwaxer was also feeling ill and needed her rest.

If I didn't find a solution, and QUICK, it was looking like I wasn't gonna GET ANY for XXXDay.

My wife was REALLY upset, and frankly, I was one red cunt hair away from getting in my car and leaving, never to return.

Fortunately, my old friend Reverend Toth Wilder had a HUGE NEW TENT, and let Susi and I crash there for the weekend. Praise Toth! So we were just as cozy as fuck in there.

That problem solved, I took it upon myself to spend the rest of the weekend having FUN and surrounding myself with beautiful women whenever possible.

Part of my annual fun was my foray into the forest with a headful, looking for someone to put in fear of his or her very life, a ritual that I enjoy immensely.

But this year was different. I won't go into the details, but the tables somehow were turned and it was ME who was put in fear for my very life at the hands of El Diablo himself. This exact thought went through my brain; "Fuck, I'm going to die here right in front of Susi". My heart actually STOPPED beating. I met my inner dumbass. They say you see a light when you die. I didn't see JACK SHIT.

I survived, but now I suffer VISIONS. Again, I shit you not.

These were my high points:

I told Hellpope Huey that there was no way a fat bald guy would get any action at XXXDay.

During an informal brainstorming session where we were boozing and fropping up strong and discussing next year's gathering, Modemac (who was sitting quietly in the back of the room)stunned the assembled hierarchites by stating, "I think that you guys are way too wasted to be making plans for next year's event". Could he possibly have thought that all of this SubGenius shit was the product of sane and sober thinking? GOOD GOD, MAN!

I missed most (all) of the preaching, but I DID see Babushka's solo act, and that made me laugh so hard I CRIED. Little Fyodor, I missed his act last year, but this year I was ASTOUNDED by him; he has the fastest hands I ever saw, they were a BLUR as he played that guitar. He'd have kicked ass as a gunfighter.

The annual Bobtism was a pleasure as always, this year I was Bobtized by all of the beautiful babes before I started frenzying on folks.

The mass mooning; MAN, that was fun. The moldy rye bread I was eating next to the stage caused the St.Vitus Dance to hit me all at once just as the congregation reached the field, and suddenly I was DEATH PERSONIFIED, choosing who would "GO TO THE LORD!" I was FILLED with the Power O'Dobbs, and let it all loose on the assemblage, who, their very bodies spelling out "Bob's" name, shot the conpiracy a MULTI-ASS SALUTE.

I got to watch ESO kick major ass while my beautiful wife Susi shook her sexy thang in her amazing flourescent body suit with Dr.Mojo's death rays reflecting off her supple curves.

I got to soak in the hot tub NUMEROUS times with NUMEROUS sexy babes.

Ah, yes, the YetiBabes.

Nickie Deathchyck. I REALLY enjoyed spanking you, but I suspect you enjoyed it more. You're a BAD GIRL. You seemed a lot happier this year than in previous years. That's nice. You have a pretty smile, and I enjoyed seeing more of it. And those "Hello Kitty" cotton panties were a REAL TURN ON.

Rev Sikki, man, what a babe! Those red pigtails, those perfect A-cup titties, and a sweet little beaver that BEGS to have a mouth stuck on it. I was amazed when NOBODY would eat dessert off her naked body. I jumped on that shit QUICK.

SuperKate. Patrick Volkerding, it was REAL SMART of you to donate such a large amount to the "Get Legume to XXXDay Fund"; if you hadn't, I would have tried my damnedest to get Kate back into my tent for some threeway bonobo with Susi. Susi thought she was WAY HOT too, like a young Gillian Anderson. Andrea was looking REAL TEMPTING as well in her fractal spandex. You were a busy man bird-dogging her and Andrea from the rest of the Yetimensch, and having to protect them from MY advances would have been a Herculean task. Damn my own ethics! Next year I may have to TURN DOWN your bribe.

Malibu Barbie Geddyn. I need say no more.

Evangela. There's SOMETHING that's REAL sexy about her...a DIFFERENT sexy...I just can't quite figure out what it is. I noticed it when she was riding her bicycle around in that kerchief and peasant dress. She looked like she would at any moment present me with a huge wheel of cheese.

Magdalen. I'm sorry, Magdalen, but I don't find you sexy at all. There's something about you that makes me want to sit you on my lap and stroke your hair until you fall asleep with your head on my shoulder. Is that weird? Maybe it also has something to do with the fact that you're married to my good friend Jesus. Yeah, that's probably it.

Sis Dec and Susi the Floozie: you nasty bitches, I love you both like an old trusted stroke book.

Princess Wei. Stang, you deserve her, she's the TOTAL PACKAGE.

SubGenius Spice. We didn't get to hang out much, but the times we did were right nice. Thanks.

The rest of the babes who I've thoughtlessly failed to mention: as Elvis said, "Maybe I didn't hold you quite as often as I could have. But you were always on my mind. You were always on my mind". Especially Friday Jones. I really missed you.

Most of all though, I enjoyed the company of that most babe-o-licious of ALL the hot redheads; at least in my eyes. Susi Legume. Gal, you got more curves than the Pacific Coast Highway, more talent than a hundred porn stars, and more TOLERANCE of your apish husband than a thousand Baptists. I really GOT OFF on DEFILING THE PULPIT with you onstage in the middle of the night while everyone else was drunk in the forest. You looked BIG TASTY bent over that pulpit all nasty-like, and the way the light from the road cast those obscene shadows on the wall was kickass nasty. That whole scene was WAY HOT, and put the XXX in my XXX-Day.

Lastly, I'd like to thank the folks who donated to the pot to get me there. Thanks a bunch for the slack, you know who you are. Especially YOU.

Legume
--
"The idea of you dead and horribly mutilated turns me on."
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Subject: Re: Legume's XXX-Day; "You Ever Been to Pussy Heaven, Boy?"
From: Legume <legume@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 12, 2000 1:10 PM
Message-ID: <396CC2A4.7286@subgenius.com>

Rev. Magdalen wrote:
>
> Legume wrote:
> >
> > Magdalen. I'm sorry, Magdalen, but I don't find you sexy at all. There's
> > something about you that makes me want to sit you on my lap and stroke
> > your hair until you fall asleep with your head on my shoulder. Is that
> > weird? Maybe it also has something to do with the fact that you're
> > married to my good friend Jesus. Yeah, that's probably it.
>
> I don't know what I did to deserve that. Maybe I don't think *you're*
> all that sexy, either, but I certainly wouldn't say so in public after
> saying every OTHER guy WAS sexy. You really hurt my feelings.

Mags, that wasn't intended to be insulting, it was just a poorly-worded
compliment. You ARE sexy as hell, but you have a kind of "shine" to you
that puts you in a special category that goes BEYOND mere physical
sexiness... you have a sort of ASTRAL sexiness that kinda intimidates
me, like a chimp at the gates of heaven.

To look at you in a sexual way makes me feel BAD, like I'm unworthy.
You're SPECIAL sexy. Holy Sexy, not for mere dirty mortals.

I apologize if I hurt your feelings. I hold you in VERY high regard.
--
"The idea of you dead and horribly mutilated turns me on."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Legume's XXX-Day; "You Ever Been to Pussy Heaven, Boy?"
From: "Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@home.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Reply-To: magdalen@subgenius.com
Date: Wed, Jul 12, 2000 5:35 PM
Message-ID: <396D0107.67B40298@home.com>

Never mind. Got Coffee. Everything's ok.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Legume's XXX-Day; "You Ever Been to Pussy Heaven, Boy?"
From: revjack <revjack@radix.net>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 12, 2000 6:26 PM
Message-ID: <8kj2b0$4se$1@news1.Radix.Net>

What about *my* feelings???

--
revjack@radix.net
stochasticgnosisthroughablativedissonance
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Legume's XXX-Day; "You Ever Been to Pussy Heaven, Boy?"
From: "Rev. Spyder" <revspyder@hotmail.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 12, 2000 6:34 PM
Message-ID: <c88b5.60642$_b3.1762144@newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net>

Dr. Legume,
Thank you so much for not mentioning, how after Rev. Toth Wilder left " I
" offered you a place in " MY " huge tent , Only to return with an " ANGEL "
from a wonderful night out at Quiji-bo's bar to find myself and Angel out in
the cold after you took over " Our " tent all for you and the lovely Mrs.
Legume. Not even leaving us a blanket!
But, myself being one of a very few (Possibly the only one!) who has never
been " AFFRAID" of you. Stormed right in and rolled ya off the bed and took
back the blankets and moved next door to much more cramped lodging! FORCING
me to get that much closer to that very ANGEL. On that very night i saw the
GREATEST VISION of BEAUTY i have ever seen in my life!!!!!! There in that
Cramped space . THANK YOU LEGUME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU are all WISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALL HAIL LEGUME!!!!!!!!!!!
and of coarse! MRS. LEGUME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I OWE you!!!!!!!

C'ya this week end.
Rev. Spyder
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Legume's XXX-Day; "You Ever Been to Pussy Heaven, Boy?"
From: "Rabbi Jacklyn Hyde" <rabbs@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 12, 2000 6:52 PM
Message-ID: <qp8b5.939$Y91.133808@newshog.newsread.com>

Legume <legume@subgenius.com> wrote in message
news:396CA7DF.168D@subgenius.com...
> Well, shit, where to begin. Ah, the beginning, seems logical, eh?
>
> The trip to Brushwood. My car was loaded up with everything necessary,
> food, clothes, and camping shit. The seats were filled with Redheads, my
> wife Susi and the Rabbi. I really love redheads, but boy, an eight-hour
> car ride with them yapping on your ear seems more like twelve.

Gumie, you're just sad that neither Susi or I offered my "special" way of
keeping the driver up and alert... Love ya anyway!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: Legume's XXX-Day; "You Ever Been to Pussy Heaven, Boy?"
From: Legume <legume@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 12, 2000 7:55 PM
Message-ID: <396D218B.2DF9@subgenius.com>

Rev. Spyder wrote:
>
> Dr. Legume,
> Thank you so much for not mentioning, how after Rev. Toth Wilder left " I
> " offered you a place in " MY " huge tent , Only to return with an " ANGEL "
> from a wonderful night out at Quiji-bo's bar to find myself and Angel out in
> the cold after you took over " Our " tent all for you and the lovely Mrs.
> Legume. Not even leaving us a blanket!
> But, myself being one of a very few (Possibly the only one!) who has never
> been " AFFRAID" of you. Stormed right in and rolled ya off the bed and took
> back the blankets and moved next door to much more cramped lodging! FORCING
> me to get that much closer to that very ANGEL. On that very night i saw the
> GREATEST VISION of BEAUTY i have ever seen in my life!!!!!! There in that
> Cramped space . THANK YOU LEGUME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> YOU are all WISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> ALL HAIL LEGUME!!!!!!!!!!!
> and of coarse! MRS. LEGUME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> I OWE you!!!!!!!

You damn well OUGHT to thank me.
Goddamn, you gotta learn multi-level thinking, like I did.

I took your big tent and blanket, forcing you into a tiny cramped tent
with the Rabbi and nothing but body heat to keep you warm....

Remember, when I do something, even if it seems inscrutable, there are
always at least FIVE reasons I did it, and unless I totally dislike you,
the odds are you'll benefit from it.

Legume
--
"The idea of you dead and horribly mutilated turns me on."

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Subject: Re: Legume's XXX-Day; "You Ever Been to Pussy Heaven, Boy?"
From: Legume <legume@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 12, 2000 9:48 PM
Message-ID: <396D3BF5.910@subgenius.com>

kevbob wrote:
>
> legume@subgenius.com wrote:
> >I really love redheads,
> >but boy, an eight-hour car ride with them yapping on your ear seems
> >more like twelve.
>
> twelve redheads or twelve hours?

BOTH!
--
"The idea of you dead and horribly mutilated turns me on."

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Subject: Re: Legume's XXX-Day; "You Ever Been to Pussy Heaven, Boy?"
From: Legume <legume@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 12, 2000 9:51 PM
Message-ID: <396D3CCE.5063@subgenius.com>

kevbob wrote:
> unka 'gumey?
>
> whyd'ya kill puppy?
>
> *sniff*
>
> why, unka 'gumey?
>
> why?

It looked at me funny.

Legume
--
"The idea of you dead and horribly mutilated turns me on."


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