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Friday, June 30, 2000. XXX-Day, Brushwood. The Naked Blood Wrestling event has been going on for an hour and is winding down. None of the girls want to wrestle any more, so few boys do either. Finally, the burly, booming, FULLY CLOTHED improvisational spaz rock singer Pope Phred challenges naked 97-pound weakling (and SubGenius Blood Wrestling Male Champion) Pastor Craig Roll to a match in which Phred will represent the over-dressed Forces of Decency and Pastor Craig will represent the nude Forces of Indecency.
The Forces of decency broke the Froces of Decency's collarbone.
From: Resop <tstcraig@erols.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Jul 4, 2000
If only it was true.
Here is the story so far:
I was having a wrestling match with Pope Phred. I had him in a head
lock and he used his size to flip me over. I landed flat, but somehow
(just one of those things?) the impact shattered my left collar bone.
Then the fun started.
Nickie Deathchyck was immediately on the scene. I thought I had
wrenched my shoulder and Nickie couldn't feel any broken bones at
first. She asked me if I wanted an ambulance and (in a moment
embarrassingly caught on video tape) I begged off at first, turned the
wrong way and got a severe sharp pain in by trapezoid muscle.
An ambulance was called and I was whisked off to Westfield Emergency
room. This is where the "fun" began.
The ER was full of people in worse shape than myself (although I never
found out what exactly everyone else's problem was) so I was strapped
down to an unforgiving wooden board and had my head crammed into a
stabilizing brace and ignored for 70 minutes or so.
About three and a half years ago I was rear ended by a sports vehicle
doing 35 miles per hour and I took the brunt of the impact in my right
hamstring (pushing down the brake). Ever since then I have been
vulnerable to back spasms.
So here I am, brutally strapped down, unable to move an millimeter with
my lower back painfully arched. The strap is the same strap used to
hold down patients who are psychotic. After seventy minutes of
thinking my lower back was just going to spasm and snap, they finally
release me. At this point I had forgotten about my collar bone pain.
Then then shoot me up with Vicoden and wheel me in for an X-ray. The
nurse asks me if I want to lay down or stand and I choose standing.
After the first picture I feel nauseous and start profusely sweating out
of every pore. After the second picture I collapse and fortunately the
nurse catches me before I break my neck.
The then monitored my blood pressure for thirty minutes and satisfied
that the shock was temporary, gave my a clavicle harness and kicked me
out. They said it would heal itself in six weeks. They then gave me my
X-rays.
"Those are NOT my X-rays, those are the X-rays of a dead person."
But they were.
My collar bone was completely broken and the two pieces were side by
side.
On Monday, Ken Pastore (sp?) AKA Sosodata was able to get a u-haul hitch
to my car and drive me home to Philly. I am mostly unpacked now, but I
still need to return the hitch to U-haul and arrange for physical
therapy. This being July 4th is not helping.
It's still early in the game, but I have drawn a conclusion:
Being ugly has increased my chance of recovery. Being ugly has taught
me to pain no attention to those who want to prop one up as an object to
laugh at. Being ugly has taught me to be self reliant and to recognize
that almost no one is going to help you unless they get something out of
it.
Finally I'd like to thank to people who were very helpful to me: Ken,
for making sure I didn't have to drive 9 hours under the influence of
narcotics and Ms Sakamoto who never once offered my any unwanted
sympathy for my condition.
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Subject: Re: The death of Pastor Craig
From: Dkr. Armand Geddyn <muhahahaNOmuSPAM@angstrom.net.invalid>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Jul 4, 2000 5:23 PM
Message-ID: <20429e72.fb14335f@usw-ex0101-005.remarq.com>
Shut up, zombie.
Now lie down and die like a proper corpse.
Fucking animatronic ghul.
-----------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: Re: The death of Pastor Craig
From: mssakamoto@aol.communist (Miss Siouxsie Sakamoto)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Jul 4, 2000 6:09 PM
Message-ID: <20000704200945.03434.00001411@ng-fk1.aol.com>
From: Resop <tstcraig@erols.com>
>Finally I'd like to thank to people who were very helpful to me: Ken,
>for making sure I didn't have to drive 9 hours under the influence of
>narcotics and Ms Sakamoto who never once offered my any unwanted
>sympathy for my condition.
I don't give anyone sympathy, sorry. I worry about two people in this life,
and they're neither you nor me. Besides, I didn't see you all that much and
you should have known better than to oppose Pope "Stone Cold Beer" Phred.
--
"All children will relate to this touching story about a size-challenged rodent
who confronted his inner demons and dared to take the maze less traveled. No
more Mister Nice Mouse!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: The death of Pastor Craig
From: phred523@aol.com (Phred523)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Jul 4, 2000 8:27 PM
>Being ugly has increased my chance of recovery. Being ugly has taught
(trimmed down for sake of brevity)
>Finally I'd like to thank to people who were very helpful to me: Ken,
>for making sure I didn't have to drive 9 hours under the influence of
>narcotics and Ms Sakamoto who never once offered my any unwanted
>sympathy for my condition.
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger." is how I believe the saying
goes. In this case it has made the Pastor more "CRAIGer" for lack of a better
term.
Oh, woe is me! Here was I, thinking that I may just go up a few rungs in the
Father Church for taking down the mighty Craig, only to find that he lives once
more, like a many headed Hydra. What is the flame that I need to take you down
Pastor? What dark Conspiracy god do I need to serve to close you chapter in the
Book once and for all?
Smack my spotti botti! Ye won't die easy, my cockroach!
Pope "Pointy? Why yes, Please!" Phred
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Subject: Re: The death of Pastor Craig
From: Unit 4 <UnitIV@SPUTUM.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
On 05 Jul 2000 02:27:50 GMT, phred523@aol.com (Phred523) wrote, in
alt.slack:
} Oh, woe is me! Here was I, thinking that I may just go up a few rungs in the
}Father Church for taking down the mighty Craig, only to find that he lives once
}more, like a many headed Hydra. What is the flame that I need to take you down
}Pastor? What dark Conspiracy god do I need to serve to close you chapter in the
}Book once and for all?
You gotta get uglier than he is.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: The death of Pastor Craig
From: andreux@eterna.net (andreux)
Ain't gonna happen... Current tally is
five out of six lesbians think that Phred's
posterior is the bomb...
Can't fight against those odds...
-st. andreux
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: The death of Pastor Craig
From: "Rabbi Jacklyn Hyde" <rabbs@subgenius.com>
Ya know, we can make fun of Craig for having to go to the hospital naked and
red, but there are three things that keep me from laughing:
-He came back!!!!
-He came back with the heaviest drugs in all of Brushwood!
-He was responsible for one of the best lines I heard all week! "I may have
had my collarbone broken, and I'll go through physical therapy for weeks,
but Pee Kitty will still have diabetes." (However, I give permanent snaps to
Pee Kitty from X-Day for jumping in the pool with the Connie-ites during our
rampage, so I can honestly not laugh at him, either).
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: The death of Pastor Craig
From: mannixh8u@aol.comboogedee (Father Mannix)
> Ain't gonna happen... Current tally is
> five out of six lesbians think that Phred's
> posterior is the bomb...
>
> Can't fight against those odds...
>
"the bomb" I'm not too sure, "a" bomb is a more appropriate term, I mean come
on, I sat next to the guy a few times and all I could think a few times was
"*sniff* hmm...beer farts....and a slight touch of goat"
"If ya ain't got socks, ya ain't got much. So if ya got 'em,
ya might as well pull 'em up!!!"
Original file name: The death of Pastor Craig
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