When you want to get sex, you need a good Opening Line. Late at night
at the Quijibo A-Go-Go Sunday party, a wonderful discussion centered on
this topic, and I thought some of you might enjoy the fruits of our
wisdom in the form of a list of tips on Opening Lines.
#1: DON'T say, "So... is your marriage really legal?"
#2: DO say, "Would you like some of this?" (have chocolate, frop,
likker, coffee, gum, etc, in your hand as you say this one)
#3: DON'T say, "Can I suck on your toes?" (It gives the impression that
you have a toe fetish and don't mind sucking down gobs of mud mixed with
sweat)
#4: DO say, "Would you like a backrub?"
#5: DON'T say, "Damn, you look like HELL!" (to you, this may mean that
you admire the partying stamina of the person, but it will most likely
be misinterpreted)
#6: DO say, "You look awesome!" (few can resist outright flattery)
#7: DON'T say, "No one wants to have sex with me because I'm ugly".
#8: DO say, "I lick pussy like thirteen motherfuckers." (This works for
both guys and girls, whatever sex they're trying to get in bed)
And finally, an all-around good Opening Line is always: "Hi, what's your
name?".
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Subject: Re: Advice on Opening Lines
From: Christopher Lee <clbundy@indy.net>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Jul 4, 2000 5:50 PM
Message-ID: <39627839.AC246D6D@indy.net>
On the night of *that* particular Quijibo-A-Go-Go party, I tried out my
preferred pick-up line: "so.... do you like.... stuff?"
And it worked!
For me, anyways, hope it worked for her as well.
It was like.... 8am, and we were pretty out of it.
Christopher Lee
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Subject: Re: Advice on Opening Lines
From: Resop <tstcraig@erols.com>
> #7: DON'T say, "No one wants to have sex with me because I'm ugly".
I did do some meditating on interpersonal relationships at XXX-day,
since
in my condition, I could do nothing else. The fruit of my labors was as
follows:
If you don't have a certain "look" then don't even try. Total waste of
your time. Women (as well as men, as well as myself) are stupid,
shallow, looks oriented clods. They might have dozens of
rationalizations for their pre-determined biologic choices, but that's
all they are, rationalizations.
You'll be much happier being friends with people. Listen to their tales
of woe. Help them if they need a hand. Sell for their jokes even if
they're not funny. Be interested in other people. You're not going to
get laid, but at least you'll make some lasting friends.
If, by some odd twist of statistical fate, you do notice that some
member of the opposite or otherwise desired sex that isn't already
taken, married or underage is giving you the eye, and it is your desire
to fuck this person (rather than trying to get to know this person) then
the best line would be something along the lines of "God, I wouldn't
fuck a henoius trash bag ho-bitch like you in a million years." Or,
some other line of random abuse. Humans are dumbasses so when you
verbally abuse them, they will instantly want to fuck you.
Tobor.
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Subject: Re: Advice on Opening Lines
From: Rev. Dave, U.N.F.U.N. <reverend_dave@my-deja.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 5, 2000 12:53 AM
Message-ID: <8jum1t$lro$1@nnrp1.deja.com>
According to an article I read recently, simply walking up to a woman
and asking for sex will succeed once out of every 23 tries. So if you
don't mind being slapped in the face by 22 out of every 23 women asked,
then the quality of your pickup line isn't nearly as important as your
persistence in using it--in other words throw enough shit at a wall, and
some of it is bound to stick. Unfortunately, you'll have to clean up the
mess.
--
Reverend Dave (Until Further Notice)
http://php.iupui.edu/~dlawlis
--
Reverend Dave (Until Further Notice)
http://php.iupui.edu/~dlawlis
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Subject: Re: Advice on Opening Lines
From: "Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@home.com>
> btw, Jesus, what might be the recipe of the "Dick Up Your Ass" mixed drink youse
> were serving Friday night at the Lounge? just random hootch from behind the
> bar?
Supposed to be Midori, SweetnSour, a little of Razzmatazz or Chambord
At the Quijibo a go-go it was SweetnSour, Vodka and a little raspberry
mixer, it was even better that way. Oh and it's a "Dick in the Ass"
although perhaps "Dick up your Ass" is a better name. The orginal was
created by Rev. Dr. Fisther (credit where credit is due) of the Time
Control Tavern.
So did you make her wear the Corduroy panties?
Jesus
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Subject: Re: Advice on Opening Lines
From: devolver25@my-deja.com
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 5, 2000 11:11 AM
Message-ID: <8jvq7b$8b1$1@nnrp2.deja.com>
I tried the line, "So do you and Jesus have a
monogamous relationship?" but it didn't work.
Either that or she didn't hear me. And no I'm not
telling you who I said that to so as to protect
her innocence! BTW, I got home okay if anyone was
worried. I did ride home with Chris Li after all!
Devolver
(Or Rev Mooch as I was known last weekend)
P.S. Xists, please wake me up at 7:00 in the
morning. Thanks. Goodnight.
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Subject: Re: Advice on Opening Lines
From: SWILBERT® <nenslo@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 5, 2000 2:19 PM
Message-ID: <3963985E.4401@subgenius.com>
Rev. Magdalen wrote:
>
>
> #2: DO say, "Would you like some of this?" (have chocolate, frop,
> likker, coffee, gum, etc, in your hand as you say this one)
Eh heh heh heh... You know what I'M thinkin....
"etc"
And that last suggestion, "Hi, what's you're name?" - you wouldn't
believe how many attractive gals I've met named Fuck Off Asshole.
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Subject: Re: Advice on Opening Lines
From: ebear@direct.ca (knockout mouse)
> And finally, an all-around good Opening Line is always: "Hi, what's your
> name?".
Sign! What's your SIGN! jeez, get it right.
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Subject: Re: Advice on Opening Lines
From: andreux@eterna.net (andreux)
Resop <tstcraig@erols.com> wrote:
>
>Why would anyone with a broken collar bone even want to think about
>sex? Heck,
>son, an orgasm might have killed me.
WILL SOMEONE FUCK CRAIG ALREADY? LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH!!!
-st. andreux
---
saint@prairienet.org
nichole's panties on sale... cheep. inquire within
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Subject: Re: Advice on Opening Lines
From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
Rev. Magdalen wrote:
>
> "St. Chaos Israel" wrote:
> >
> > (Best fuck I ever had--for both of us--was right after she told
> > me she was cheating on me. I basically pinned her to the floor
> > and had my way with her. Felt like trash afterwards, but she
> > wanted more of it. WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME???)
> >
>
> It's called the "zipless fuck". Read _Fear of Flying_ by seventies
> feminist Erica Jong. The idea is that it makes a woman feel very
> beautiful and fulfilled if a man's desire for her is so strong that it
> makes him thow away all societal rules and propriety and just push her
> up against a tree or down on the floor and fuck like an animal.
The extreme of this is so primitive and violent that it even
turns off all but the kinkiest of the S&M crowd. Most men refuse
to even consider doing it, so the women who get off on it have go
to special businesses which charge exhorbitant prices for weird
guys and sometimes even other women, to do it.
These places are called "Beauty Parlors".
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