Date: 31 Oct 1995 05:29:21 GMT
Devilacqua, The Sexicutioner and I are sitting here at RUNANDGUN in Chicago, using their Silicon Graphics ten zillion dollar box to check out this MISERABLE NEWSGROUP. I can't believe all this belly-aching about Legume. Hell, I thought he was dead for a whole week, spent all kinds of time on it, and when he called me up saying "Rev. STaaaaaang!" in a spooky voice, I was GLAD to know he was still alive! From what I can gather, a lot of you -- none of whom have even heard so much as a recorded Legume rant, much less ever partied with the guy -- are ANGRY that he's still ALIVE and KICKING. What you should be is AFRAID.
But enough of that.My arm is getting tired from wielding the big Zen stick to no effect.
GWAR tour:
To begin with,
GWAR FUCKIN' RULZ DUDE!!!!
DO NOT MISS GWAR IN YOUR TOWN whether the SubGenius element is involved or not. You will LITERALLY SHIT! This is what rock and roll is ALL ABOUT!! -- real loud music, monsters, babes and GOUTS of BLOOD AND SPERM. There have been three shows so far, and even if Sexicutioner WEREN'T standing behind me with his metal dick ready to rape my butt if I slip up, I would STILL urge all and sundry to attend this Ragnarok show. When you see SLymenstra's simultaneous crucifixion and abortion, and Oderus and Sexy raping the unborn fetus, and the cesarianed fetus biting off Sexy's face, and the battle between GWAR and Cardinal Syn, and the decapitation of OJ and the disemboweling of Jerry Garcia, you will say to yourself, "Now I have seen everything; now I may DIE." And GWAR will be all too happy to assist you in that direction.
And, considering the way they treat their own fans, they've certainly treated us well. The first show, in Cleveland, was an unmitigated disaster and I'm very glad there wasn't a single SubGenius there to witness it. I discovered the hard way that the punk rock audience does NOT want to be preached to. I maintained my dignity despite the barrage of beer mugs, spit and Gwarhead candies (which I was stupid enough to supply them with) but still it was a horrifying experience. (If Legume had been there, I suspect it might have led to a full fledged riot. SERIOUSLY.) I figured the band would kick us "off the bus" after that but they were patient, as depraved monster-gods from another world go. The next night, in Detroit, I ditched my script and tried a new approach, which worked fine, and worked even better in Milwaukee last night, and will probably be fully honed by tomorrow night at the Riviera in Chicago. Basically, I yell about "fuckin' GWAR!!!!" a whole lot, tell the audience they're about to die, burn money, smash things, holler about drugs and blowjobs backstage, ignite the flaming sword, and SNEAK IN SUBGENIUS TEACHINGS while constantly reassuring the audience that I'm about to bring them "MUSIC." I walk off stage three times and then run back to the mike to get one more shot in. It seems to work fine. These audiences have LESS than an attention span and everything has to be said in short, very violent, easy-to-grok sentences punctuated by shtick and gimmickry. But it's loads of fun now that I know how to avoid another Cleveland -- which is mainly by coming on FIRST, before any of the bands and before the audience has had time to get really drunk. The poor bastards in the band just before GWAR are now the targets of the crowd's wrath, not me. They LIKE me, as long as I speak their truncated, brutal language and don't stay out there more than about 20 minutes or so.
We have also learned that SPINAL TAP is in no way an exaggeration of anything. We learned that we're going to have PLENTY of merchandise (called "SWAG" in rock jargon) left over, since nobody is buying it. (Although the GWAR/SUBGENIUS dual shirt is selling like hotcakes.) We learned that SOME of the blood, sperm, urine, and infant vomit spewed by GWAR is NOT fake. We learned that GWAR is indeed the hardest working band in showbiz -- well, the SLAVES of GWAR do all the work, but the band has to kick their asses constantly.
Mainly we have been enthralled by the show these beings put on. It is one of the FUNNIEST THINGS YOU WILL EVER SEE, yet also pretty disturbing. After my sermon, I have been videotaping the band. Last night I did so from a balcony. Looking down on the carnage, and the heaving sea of psychotic maggots called the "mosh pit," was exactly like peering down into Dante's inferno. I have seen HELL and it is a GWAR SHOW. I can dig it...
I have to do a radio thing at 6 in the morning so I am going to go claim a RUNANDGUN couch and CRASH. Sexicutioner is in the other computer room smashing things and vomiting. He's pissed because there are not quite enough groupies. This show-biz stuff is great when there aren't a hundred people throwing alcohol in your face.
Oh yeah -- DUELIN' FIREMEN. The legendary CDRom game by RUNANDGUN has become even MORE insane than when I last saw it. When it's finally finished, around X-Day, it should make history.
Devilacqua is telling me to stop typing and go to sleep. He is a good SubGenius manager.
Rev. Ivan Stang
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From: saint@prairienet.org (Andrew Matthews)
Subject: Re: Report on GWAR Tour
Date: 1 Nov 1995 15:46:29 GMT
In a previous article, gardyll@interaccess.com (Grady Sain) says:
>GWAR FUCKIN' RULZ DUDE!!!!
Well, they get an "A" for theatrics, for sure.
>DO NOT MISS GWAR IN YOUR TOWN whether the SubGenius element is involved or >not. You will LITERALLY SHIT! This is what rock and roll is ALL ABOUT!! --
Errrr.... Well... Just don't miss it, and don't wear nice clothes.
>real loud music, monsters, babes and GOUTS of BLOOD AND SPERM.
Actually, more blood was used at Skinny Puppy on the _Too Dark Park_ tour, and you had the added pleasure of being bombarded with maggots and images from snuff films. Albeit there's no sperm, but it depends what you're in the mood for.
>There have >been three shows so far, and even if Sexicutioner WEREN'T standing behind >me with his metal dick ready to rape my butt if I slip up, I would STILL >urge all and sundry to attend this Ragnarok show. When you see >SLymenstra's simultaneous crucifixion and abortion, and Oderus and Sexy >raping the unborn fetus, and the cesarianed fetus biting off Sexy's face, >and the battle between GWAR and Cardinal Syn, and the decapitation of OJ >and the disemboweling of Jerry Garcia, you will say to yourself, "Now I >have seen everything; now I may DIE." And GWAR will be all too happy to >assist you in that direction.
Yes, they really *DO* disembowel Jerry Garcia... Quite possibly the highlight of the show.
>I >discovered the hard way that the punk rock audience does NOT want to be >preached to.
no, the metalhead audience doesn't... the punk rock crowd is too used to it from having folks like Henry Rollins and Jello Biafra in their lives...
>The next night, in Detroit, I >ditched my script and tried a new approach, which worked fine, and worked >even better in Milwaukee last night, and will probably be fully honed by >tomorrow night at the Riviera in Chicago.
The Chicago show went over really well. Apparently there were a few Subs in the crowd, and the crowd liked what they heard and could understand. I think Stang confused a few of them when he used "neurosis"... I'm not sure if they understood that, but boy did they cheer when he asked how many drug users were in the crowd.
>Basically, I yell about "fuckin' >GWAR!!!!" a whole lot, tell the audience they're about to die, burn money, >smash things, holler about drugs and blowjobs backstage, ignite the >flaming sword, and SNEAK IN SUBGENIUS TEACHINGS while constantly >reassuring the audience that I'm about to bring them "MUSIC."
Yeah, that's basically it, but it's really interesting to witness a sort of "Crash Course in SubGenius Ministry for Incredibly Stoned People". Didn't nearly stress the need to buy SubGenius shit quite enough though...
>It seems to work fine. These audiences have LESS than an attention span >and everything has to be said in short, very violent, easy-to-grok >sentences punctuated by shtick and gimmickry.
Yup. What did you expect? An audience of folks with their degrees in medicine law and philosophy?
>Mainly we have been enthralled by the show these beings put on. It is one >of the FUNNIEST THINGS YOU WILL EVER SEE, yet also pretty disturbing.
"Cheesy" would be a better term, methinks... Still, well worth the experience. I can understand why all the skaters in my area got all hyped up.
>After my sermon, I have been videotaping the band. Last night I did so >from a balcony. Looking down on the carnage, and the heaving sea of >psychotic maggots called the "mosh pit," was exactly like peering down >into Dante's inferno. I have seen HELL and it is a GWAR SHOW. I can dig >it...
feh. Mosh nothing. You should have seen Ministry in '89.
By the way, while I was waiting for the show to start, some people noticed my SubGenius pin and was asking me a few things about the Church... So I'm there talking to the uninitiated, and Stang walks out on the stage for a sec. I shout, "Fuck you, Stang" and he responds accordingly like any good preacher should. Next thing I hear is, "Is that your friend up there? The one who looks like Yanni?"
Stang, it may be time to lose the all-white outfit if you're going to be mistaken for Yanni.
$T.&REUX, KSC
--
$aint @ndrew, KSC. Ogyr Network. An official SubGenius Mutant-Of-The-Cloth.
snail-mail: Send $2 cash to OGYR NETWORK | PO BOX 53 | PLAINFIELD, IL. 60544
email: saint@firefly.prairienet.org or stumattheand@vax.colsf.edu
www: OGYR NETWORK ONLINE: http://www.prairienet.org/~saint/homepage.html
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Subject: Re: Report on GWAR Tour
Date: 9 Nov 1995 10:43:46 GMT
In article <4784ol$5rc@vixen.cso.uiuc.edu>, saint@prairienet.org (Andrew
Matthews) wrote:
> > Stang, it may be time to lose the all-white outfit if you're > going to be mistaken for Yanni. >
YIKES! You may be right. That's SERIOUS. It never occurred to me that in a big crowd, at a distance, they can't see the DISFIGUREMENT.
Any ideas? For preaching garb or FACE? Sexicutioner even said he'd make me a special latex facial appliance if I could think of a good concept. Heck, I'm ready to try a new "look." Of course I'll have to run it by my agent, my managers, handlers and my hairdresser, darling.
The white suit felt right during the years when everybody in clubs wore all black, though. A regular Angel of Light, huh.
Didn't get a speck of GWAR blood on it the whole time. Got some Oderus Sperm on my video-filming clothes, though.
Stang
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: nickie@mars.superlink.net ( Rev. Nickie )
Date: 14 Nov 1995 23:55:11 GMT
In a previous article, saint@prairienet.org (Andrew Matthews) says:
>In a previous article, REV. NICKIE wrote:
>>Oh, so you FEAR the Oderus Sperm, eh? I have a white t-shirt from the last
>>GWAR show I saw that's absolutlely soaked with the stuff. Sissy.
>Maybe I'm a little behind the times, but white stage-sperm on
>a perfectly respectable black/red priest outfit (I had come straight
>from uniting a couple in the name of "Bob" (for real)) isn't high
>on my fashion tips list...
Geez, then why bother even going if you're going to limit yourself and not
get the FULL GHASTLY EXPERIENCE??
Besides, the Oderus Sperm is YELLOW. Shows what you know. Wuss.
--
*you have been blessed by a communication from*
-----Rev. Nickie
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: bmyers@ionet.net (TarlaStar)
Date: Tue, 14 Nov 1995 13:48:55 GMT
mtownsend@interramp.com (Michael Townsend) wrote:
>What about Stang '96 in miniskirt and heels? Now THAT would get some attention.
can I shave his legs? can I, can I, can I?
Tarla(stropping the razor)Star
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: eraserhead@iglou.iglou.com (David Lynch)
Subject: Re: DRESS-ME-UP STANG (TM) by Mattel!
Date: Tue, 14 Nov 1995 23:37:06 GMT
I'm seeing a mottled blood red suit (Velvet, maybe? Would that be too
hot for the summer months?), a jet black shirt, matching red tie, and
black shoes. Also, grow scary Fu Manchu/Howard Hughes fingernails that
you can scrape across a big blackboard with.
--
eraserhead@iglou.com / Not the all-one director / Tape trades welcome
See the Soap WWW page at: http://www.rahul.net/ndanger/soap/soap.html
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: saint@prairienet.org (Andrew Matthews)
Subject: Re: Report on GWAR Tour
Date: 10 Nov 1995 20:18:51 GMT
In a previous article, i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang) says:
>I'm ready to try a new "look." Of course I'll have to run it by my agent, >my managers, handlers and my hairdresser, darling.
Well, you could go back to the classic "pseudo-afro" that you had back in the early eighties... personally, I think you should try for something more 50's-ish... The Dobbsian era classic fit...
>The white suit felt right during the years when everybody in clubs wore >all black, though. A regular Angel of Light, huh.
That's quite true... and here I thought it was just the aura.
>Didn't get a speck of GWAR blood on it the whole time. Got some Oderus >Sperm on my video-filming clothes, though.
That was the reason I took a balcony seat... That thing's gonads were like Super Soakers from Hell.
$T.&REUX, KSC
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: mitchell@interserv.com (Fools' Press)
Subject: Re: Report on GWAR Tour
In article <i.stang-0110950545590001@net142.metronet.com>,
i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang) wrote:
>Any ideas? For preaching garb or FACE?
During the MTV commercial vidshoot you were pining for a stronger chin and a thinner neck. I bet, though, that with the right jawline nobody would even notice the size of your neckstump. Maybe you could borrow Gusher Jizmak's jaw for a while, if he doesn't mind you hacking it off.
>The white suit felt right during the years when everybody in clubs wore >all black, though. A regular Angel of Light, huh.
It's very televangelistic, in a Pancho's Restaurant kind of way. Maybe the time has come for you to wear priestly robes and slippers. Make sure the robes are sufficently stained, and that the seams are near splitting from the generous amount of SPIRIT underneath.
Beyond that, you're beautiful, baybee--don't change!
Shel/Lil/made my fair share of fake body parts in my time...
--
Rev. Sheldon der Wehr / Popess Lilith von Fraumench
Fools' Press--1202 E. Pike St., #769--Seattle, WA 98122-3934
bd196@scn.org - mitchell@interserv.com
SUBGENIUS POSTCARDS--$1 for 4, $5 for 24
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: nickie@mars.superlink.net (Rev. Nickie )
Date: 10 Nov 1995 23:38:11 GMT
In article <i.stang-0110950545590001@net142.metronet.com>,
i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang) wrote:
> The white suit felt right during the years when everybody in clubs wore
> all black, though. A regular Angel of Light, huh.
You mean, they don't anymore?? Damn, I've been out of the loop for too long.
--
*you have been blessed by a communication from*
-----Rev. Nickie
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: lemur1@ix.netcom.com (Steve Bevilacqua )
Subject: Re: Report on GWAR Tour
Date: 16 Nov 1995 22:25:30 GMT
>1) Name at least three Gwar albums.
Scumdogs, Ragnaroc, Buttcheese Weekend
>2) What does Oderus's sperm taste like?
Just like Sexicutioner's
>3) Who's in the band?
Sexy, Slimy, Oderus, Beefy, Jizmac, Balsac, Flatus, Slave 1,2 and 3,
Timmy Bobby and Anette
>4) How many Gwar shows have you been to (must be 1+)?
I can't remember it's all a blur... Over 6
>
Do I win something?
Rev B.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Subject: Re: GWAR rolls over for the CON???
Date: 9 Nov 1995 19:34:13 GMT
In article <470q2t$fun@ixnews3.ix.netcom.com>, chucko@ix.netcom.com
(Cyberslave) wrote:
> bmyers@ionet.net (TarlaStar) wrote:
>
> >This MAY just be a sick rumor...but the Bearded Guy read in a trade
> >mag today (P.C. Week) that GWAR was going to play at a Halloween Bash
> >for ...for...Bill Gates??
>
>
> This rumor is true. I am the Cyberslave of GWAR and they will be
> hosting a haunted room for Id Software (makers of Doom) at a special
> invite only Halloween party/geekfest.
>
> Cyberslave
It was a bummer, too. Oderus, Slymenstra and Beefcake had to fly out there
in the middle of the tour and stand around in the freezing cold for hours
half nekkid -- not that even sub-zero temperatures can harm these
Antactica dwellers, but they had HOPED to terrorize rich geeks into giving
them money, and the rich geeks steered clear. It would have meant BIG PAY,
too, but for GWAR's main airline going bankrupt -- they suddenly had to
purchase expensive last-minute tickets.
Hell, if Bill Gates PAID you to scare Pinks at his spookhouse, would YOU
turn it down??
Me #1 GWAR fan. Me bohab #1.
Rev. Ivan "Testiculoticus" Stang
--
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack
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