This here's the legend of the outlaw J.R. Dobbs. Fastest close in the west.
More legendery than Butch & Momma Cassidy. Meaner than Willie the Squid,
Doc Haulaway, and the Walton brothers all rolled into one. More sweet
talkin', honey drippin' plain ol' down to earth sneaky than dear ol' Taco
Belle herself. This here's his story that I'm a gonna tell. Sing along,
ya'll... if'n you ain't a Yankee!
Out in a west Texas town near El Paso,
Lived a young salesman named J.R. Bob Dobbs,
He'd get the devil to sell you his own soul,
That's how efficient he was at his job,
He could sell condos to Mongolian herdsmen,
Radar detectors to Carmalite nuns,
Hamburger Helper to young Hare Krishnas,
Gideon Bibles to old Mao Tse Tung.
He sold the Amish their very first tractor,
The Salvation Army bought all his bay rum,
Greenpeace bought parts for a nuclear reactor,
Orthodox rabis bought plates of dim sum.
Girl guides arrived at his doorstep with cookies,
He'd sell them Connie's old shorts and brazierre,
They'd stick around for a beer and some nookie,
Then buy back the cookies they sold him last year.
Bob had some jockies in his left hip pocket,
Tilting the luck plane a real gamblin' pro,
His racin' fortunes took off like a rocket,
All of his horses would win place and show.
Now back in the 50's old Dobbs he was raptured,
Snatched up by the stark fist of Jehovah-I,
He learned of the hidden truth when he was captured,
Earth's final destruction and pinks on the run.
And so came the moment the deal of a lifetime,
Bartering souls for a saucer escape,
He got the Xists to throw out a lifeline,
To save us from carnage destruction and rape,
So give thanks to Dobbs that your hide was worth savin'
Give him his just due a mere thirty bucks,
And drive down to Brushwood or you will be cravin'
A ride back to town if you run out of luck.
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Original file name: The Outlaw, J.R.Dobbs
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