X Day X Cuses

From: jesus@subgenius.com (Rev. Bevilacqua)

I'm trying to collect X Day X cuses for the upcoming Fist.
Please post your version of what happened, why the X-ist didn't make
it.

Thanks

Jesus

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: e/wbear@hibernia.ca (e/w bear)

My theory is that they arrived and departed without making contact because
they were too small to be noticed. Subgeniuses on the whole are large
people who blunder through life without ever pausing to look at their
shoes. If they had, they would have noticed hundreds of tiny Xist saucers
about the size of bottlecaps lying around on the ground. Of course the
tall grass may have made it difficult to see, which is why I suggest the
next event be held in a mall parking lot, preferably somewhere more central
like Des Moines or Omaha. They have K-marts there, don't they?

A corrolory theory: The Xists left in a bad mood after suffering heavy
losses as drunken Subs stumbling senselessly about crushed their tiny
vessels beneath their big hairy feet.

ebear

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Pee Kitty <Pkitty@viking.cris.com>

SOCKS AND VIOLENCE - THE REAL STORY OF REV. PEE KITTY AND X-DAY

::: Tampa Bay Tridenominational Multiclench
::: X minus 4 days, 18 hours, 37 minutes

"This is crazy," Pee Kitty sighed for the eighth time that day. "No
shielding? No Yacatizma fields? Nothing but a low-level cloak? This is one
of the--"

"--most important devices ever created, on or off this planet, in the
history of time," Godfather finished for him. "We know. We've known the
last three times you've brought it up. It's going to work."

"I just don't trust it, is all. Maybe if _I_ wasn't the carrier, I'd be
more at ease."

Betsy looked up from her needles and yarn for a moment, "Pee, you know the
Yists would never suspect this! It's too simple. They only think complex
and scheming--such a simple trick is bound to fool them!"

"I'm not saying it doesn't have merit, just that...ah, forget it. Does
Onan have the fake?"

RyGy and Kriscindy, the two new recruits, both looked up and answered,
"Yup!" at the same time. With a grin, RyGy finished, "We dropped it off
yesterday. It's set up with a full protective Yacatizma matrix, damn near
visible from orbit! They can't miss it."

"They're ready!" Betsy looked up from her finished work with a smile.
Everyone agreed that she had done an amazing job. No one would ever have
suspected that the two multicolored, striped socks she had before her were
actually the primary antennae of the Janor Device.

No one except for the Xists, of course.

And Janor, but that goes without saying.

::: Somewhere in the Solar System
::: X minus 4 days, 18 hours, 32 minutes

The Yist scout looked up from the neural inductive field display. His face
wore an exression that a human could only achieve by microwaving their
head for several minutes, then watching a Teletubbies Marathon. It was,
however, an evil smile.

WE ARE NOT AS EASILY FOOLED AS YOU MIGHT THINK, "SUB-GENIUSES".

It went back into the field, again monitoring every word the unsuspective
Yetinsyny said.

::: Luciferian Liberation Front HQ (Monitor Room)
::: X minus 2 days, 13 hours, 15 minutes

An alarm went off.

An important alarm went off.

An alarm that warned the SubGenii of odd happenings on the Luck Plane went
off.

An alarm specifically designed to watch for increased odds of the presence
of NHGH hisself went off.

Unfortunately, no one was there to see this alarm go off.

::: Somewhere in High Orbit over Earth
::: X minus 2 days, 13 hours, 10 minutes

IT IS DONE.

WILL IT WORK?

OUR CALCULATIONS INDICATE A 94% CHANCE THAT IT WILL. OF COURSE, WITH nhgh
THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR DOUBT. nhgh DOES NOT WORK FOR US, BUT FOR
HISSELF.

THEN HOW IS IT THAT WE CAN SUMMON HISSELF SO EASILY?

HISSELF ALLOWS IT. FORTUNATELY, nhgh LIKES US AND HATES "SUB-GENIUSES".

::: Brushwood Folklore Center
::: X minus 2 days, 3 hours, 52 minutes

Picture, if you will, an announcer with a megaphone, though there was
none. The only sound in reality was a snoring SubGenius and the distant
sounds of pagans drumming.

"LADIES... AND... YETINSYN! STEP RIGHT THIS WAY FOR THE BATTLE OF THE
CENTURY!

"In THIS corner, the all-powerful force of Anti-Slack! That which works
against "Bob" himself! The demiurge and demigod, He Who Destroys, the true
form of Evil.....NHGH!!!

"And in THIS corner, a sleeping, unsuspecting, tired, worn-out-from-way-
too-much-partying, MORTAL SubGenius...Pee Kitty!!!

"Gentlemen, to your corners! Now LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!"

Who would you bet on?

To those of you who said Pee Kitty: Your faith is touching, your naivete
even more so.

::: Somewhere in High Orbit over Earth
::: X minus 1 day, 16 hours, 2 minutes

STATUS REPORT.

WE HAVE CONFIRMED OUR FEARS - nhgh WAS AND IS POWERLESS TO AFFECT THE
ANTENNAE HISSELF. PLAN B HAS BEEN HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL, HOWEVER.

CARRIER STATUS?

FULL SYSTEMIC ASSAULT IN PROGRESS. ALL KEY BIOCHEMICAL SYSTEMS ARE UNDER
ATTACK - SEVERAL ARE ALREADY DESTROYED. FULL SYSTEM SHUTDOWN IMMINENT.

GOOD.

And the face went back to its microwaved/Teletubbies contortion.

::: Westfield Hospital Emergency Room
::: X minus 1 day, 13 hours, 36 minutes

Doctors raced around, yelling out various orders. Nurses raced around,
following various orders. Tubes were hooked up, needles injected, and
fluids were exchanged all around.

Pee Kitty's request that he immediately be taken back to Brushwood so the
Janor Device could be completed was politely refused. When he persisted,
the doctors pointed out that the Janor Device did not appear in any of
their medical textbooks and therefore must be less important than the
"human" life they were trying to save.

Pee Kitty began to question the wisdom of having the "socks" carbon-bonded
to his legs before the trip.

Pee Kitty's second request, that his legs be amputated and immediately
taken back to Brushwood so the Janor device could be completed was
politely ignored, and dismissed as either a joke or the ramblings of a man
driving insane from systemic shutdown.

Pee Kitty's third request got him sedated.

::: Entering the Milky Way
::: X minus 1 day exactly

The commander of the Xist fleet gave the order to halt just within the
borders of our galaxy. It glanced at the screen where the coordinates
were to be displayed soon.

NOW, WE WAIT.

::: Westfield Hospital, Room 215
::: X minus 14 hours, 45 minutes

"So tell the doctors they can all come along, if they want! You know I've
got to get back there or we're all doomed!"

"We've been trying everything, man," Godfather assured Pee Kitty. "Stang's
got the banks of lawyers trying to find a loophole that'll get you out of
here. G. Gordon Gordon's working on a direct armed assault of the place,
but all the weapon caches are back in Dallas."

"Okay, okay...if you can't bring me to Janor, go get Janor. Bring him to
the hospital. It's not that far away from Brushwood, Godfather - the
broadcasting amplifiers should still be able to pick up the signal!"

"Thought of that already. No can do. Janor won't come."

"Why?"

"He's Janor, man."

That explanation had always sufficed, and would have to suffice for now,
as well.

Pee Kitty sighed and picked at his hospital food.

::: Just inside the Milky Way
::: X minus 2 hours, 4 minutes

The Xist commander frowned.

SOMETHING IS WRONG. WE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE COORDINATES BY NOW.

::: Leaving Earth's Orbit
::: X minus 1 hour, 14 minutes

The Yist commander did that strange evil smile again.

EVERYTHING IS RIGHT. THE JANOR DEVICE HAS BEEN NULLIFIED AND THE
COORDINATES WILL NOT BE SENT. OUR WORK HERE IS DONE.

The ship was a blur as it crossed the lightspeed barrier.

::: Brushwood Folklore Center
::: X minus 30 minutes

Stang looked to Philo, "Maybe they'll still find us?"

Philo just looked back at him disparagingly.

::: Just inside the Milky Way
::: X plus 1 minute

HAVE THE COORDINATES BEEN RECEIVED BY ANY OF THE SHIPS?

NO, SIR.

SET A COURSE FOR HOME, AND PUT ME IN CONTACT WITH MR. DOBBS. HE OWES US
ONE HELL OF AN EXPLANATION... AND GAS MONEY.

And the last hope of Yetikind sped off into the void of space.

::: Westfield Hospital, Room 215
::: X plus 2 hours, 3 minutes

The doctor seemed a little taken aback by the patient's nonplussed
reaction. "Mr. Levine? I don't know if you heard me correctly. What I said
was that your pancreas has been destroyed and several of your other
internal systems have been damaged."

Pee Kitty, or "Mr. Levine" to the unaware hospital folks, turned a single
open eye lazily toward the doctor. "And what _I_ said was, 'Big deal,
compared to the fact that it's July 5th, 9 am, and we're all still here.'
Look, I wouldn't expect you to understand, doc. What else did you want me
to know?"

"Well, uh, with no pancreas, you're now suffering from diabetes. I'm
afraid you'll have to take insulin to stay alive now, and monitor how much
sugar you take in. We'll also need to keep you here for a while until your
body is able to function on its own again."

Pee Kitty grinned, again fazing the doctor. "No big deal. I'm imprisoned
in this meat shell anyways, so I might as well be imprisoned here" The
confused doctor muttered a goodbye and left the room. Pee Kitty turned
towards his cluster of friends in the room, "Now what I want to know is
who the hell ratted us out?"

::: Tampa Bay Tridenominational Multiclench
::: X plus 21 hours, 3 minutes

The shadowy figure glided through the empty household until it found the
hidden bug. Pocketing it with a smile, the figure slipped out of the place
quickly and quietly, locking the door behind him.

The pipe smoke had faded from the air long before the SubGenii returned
home.

Rev. Pee Kitty, of the order Malkavian-Dobbsian
Meow!

::: Official Martyr of X-Day! <http://www.cris.com/~pkitty/xday98>
::: Visit #subgenii on irc.sorcery.net - it's a beautiful place

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: btm@billtmiller.com (B T M)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
JEEEZUS "Freakin' H" CHRIST.....I LUV YOU, MAN!

The X-ists WERE THERE at BRUSHWOOD on X-DAY! While most of the FLOCK
were playing around with limos, kool-aid, scraps of paper and pink feathers,

THE RUPTURE happened for SOME OF THE SLACKFUX!

KING OF SLACK was RUPTURED!!!!

For details CHECK OUT:<http://billtmiller.com/slack/kos.htm>
(Feel Free to REPRINT the "KOS has Left the Planet" Spew
from that web page, I can repost it HERE, if you want?)

* Luv ======> Doktor Bill T. Miller

PS - KILLER JOB on the anti-bob DE-possession of KING OF SLACK!

PPS - Still...THE ONLY X-cuse THAT MADE PERFECT SENSE was:
<blink>FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!</blink>
ORGY OF SLACK CD <http://billtmiller.com/slackcd/>
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Modemac <modemac@shell1.tiac.net>

You need an X-cuse? It's simple.

"Bob" screwed up.

What else should we expect from him?

--
Reverend Modemac (modemac@tiac.net)
First Online Church of ?
URL: http://www.tiac.net/users/modemac/

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Peter Hipwell <petehip@cogsci.ed.ac.uk>

Is "Bob" REALLY a good excuse? There is plenty of competition in the
field, and here's some of it. I don't know which might be relevant to
X-Day, but it gives me a chance to repost this old thing, or post it for
the first time, I'm not sure which. So, what the hell.

EXCUSE #1: "I didn't do it ON PURPOSE."

Obviously, this excuse suggests that the whatever the now-dubiously
valuable action in question was, it was purposeless. Given that this
classification covers a large realm of human behaviour, it will be
impossible for me to provide a totally adequate summary of this
concept, but there are a few worthwhile notes to be made.

Firstly, (1), the denial of purpose reduces the offender to the level
of a non-goal-driven inanimate, such as a horseshoe that an
incompetent farrier has put a policeman's horse that flies off
unexpectedly when the horse rears because a lunatic has just prodded
it with a toasting fork and sails across the road, braining a
white-haired old granny that is taking her poodle for a walk: which is
just one of the many futile deaths imaginable that I have
imagined. The obvious consequence of which is that the excuse-giver
should be treated appropriately as a non-goal-driven inanimate and
nailed into place securely to prevent them purposelessly repeating the
action.

Secondly, (2), the excuse is ambiguous, also conveying the impression
that, on purpose, the excuse-giver did not carry out some action. So
clearly it stinks.

Thirdly, (3), the phrase "I didn't do it off purpose" is
ungrammatical, as is "I didn't do it on unpurpose". I don't see why
this should be, but presumably there is some kind of reason for it,
because otherwise we'd have to believe that language is only a
partially systematic ragbag of heuristic devices cobbled together from
random spurts of intuition that have been haphazardly piled up on top
of one another over thousands of years, which would deliver a sharp
blow to the very concept that excuses deliver any kind of exculpation
other than a ritualistic weaselling actuated only when some miscreant
is backed into a corner.

EXCUSE #2: "It wasn't DELIBERATE."

It is possible to carry out an action on purpose, but not
deliberately, i.e. using deliberation. This, at least, was the
argument used by the defense council in that remarkable case of 1777,
wherein Lord Peregrine Thwackery prosecuted a "small, impudent
cumulonimbus". The case is historically notable, being the
antepenultimate example of an inanimate object being charged within the
English legal system (the last two examples being "Spanwick vs. Marsh
Gas" in 1794, and "Spanwick vs. Misconceptions", also in 1794, both of
which were responsible for important precedents being laid down).

The cloud was accused of spoiling one of Thwackery's legendary nude
boar hunting expeditions by uncovering the sun without permission,
"behaviour indecorous and brash above its station". The sudden burst
of light startled both "quarry and quarrier", the result of which was
a rapid unhorsing, an equally rapid outburst of "robust, voluble
ejaculations" directed Canute-wise to meteorological factors, and a
hideous buttock tusking. Although it did not turn up in court, it was
defended in absentia by the Hon. Bernard Spivey-Knowlton, a notorious
dandy with a taste for frivolity and poisoning whores. Spivey-Knowlton
stated that although the cloud may have carried out the action on
purpose, probably moving away from the sun to avoid being permanently
scorched on the rear, it certainly had not moved deliberately,
"deliberation of the results of its thoughtless action here being
impossible, for the faculty of ratiocination is absent in all such
vaporous masses as have so far been examined, notwithstanding the
existence of judicial proceedings". For this, Justice Postlethwaite
would have ruled Spivey-Knowlton in contempt of court, but the wily
man argued that he hadn't meant to be contemptuous deliberately. The
cloud was dismissed with a fine of a guinea.

EXCUSE #3: "I was only TRYING TO BE HELPFUL."

Where help is not requested, the actions of one who shoves their oar
in are, indeed, trying. Curiously, there is no excuse that "I was only
SUCCEEDING TO BE HELPFUL", even though a display of superior
competence is eminently resentable.

EXCUSE #4: "I did it BY MISTAKE."

Anyone can make a mistake. Some people seem to make a habit out of
it. And I personally know people whose every action is a mistake of
some kind. Obviously, they shouldn't be able to get away with anything
more idiotic than normal by pleading this as an excuse. And if "anyone
can make a mistake", then to admit having done so is to debase
yourself to the level of the lowest common denominator, to admit that
you class yourself along with the least functional types of human
being. That's not an excuse: you deserve everything you get.

Because mistakes are generally thought to be directly attributable to
the inadequacies of individuals, in present times it is thought vulgar
and irresponsible to admit to making them. Luckily, most important
mistakes are made within the context of such complicated social
constructs that they evaporate by being divided across the shoulders
of a number of people, each of whom bears a tiny portion of blame, but
not enough to actually cause any physical or psychological discomfort.

EXCUSE #5: "I didn't MEAN TO."

A close analysis of things that people "mean to do" shows that such
actions are not, in fact, "done" in the overwhelming majority of
cases. This, in turn, suggests the hypothesis that the correlation
between meaning and doing actions is not a particularly strong one:
this is strengthened by the observation that many of our deeds are
"meaningless" (see also EXCUSE #1).

However, this is disputed by Sarah Puce, the celebrated Drambuie's
Professor of Moral Effort at Wholesales College, Oxford, who argues
that the meaning of a deed is, indeed, that which is meant-to-be-done,
viz. to deem that the needed meaning metes deep need of demonstrably
made meantness is a needful mode of neat deeds done on the basis of
the denotation of purely subjective attributions to quasi-animate
characteristics that impel the substitution of a symbolic reprographic
infolding iconolclasm that is, itself, manipulated as part of the
overall nexus of actionic potentialization first localizable as a
stream of iterated intercalation that constitutes the interpretability
of social effects. But it seems that this definition doesn't do very
much.

EXCUSE #6: "I APOLOGIZE."

In this situation, the excuse does not rely on any disingenious
dismissal of one's own competence, merely an acknowledgment that
either (a) no competence was present, or (b) that such competence as
was displayed was misapplied, i.e. was reflexively damaging to the
applicant during its application . In either case, maximal culpability
is admitted, and this situation should be exploited to the full by the
recipient of such pathetic grovelling.

EXCUSE #7: "I did it BY ACCIDENT."

Accidents are responsible for some great discoveries. When an accident
is fortuitious, it is dignified by the resplendent sounding label of
"serendipity". When it is not fortuitous, it is christened with mirth:
the accident has been one of the richest sources of comedic pleasure
in human history, along with deformity and torture. Entertainment
based on sophisticated and highly contrived enactments of blatantly
preposterous accidental situations is revered as art by many humans,
who also adopt such performances as the basis of many of their social
customs.

As the saying goes, "accidents will happen". Accidents are
supernatural forces, unstoppable, unconquerable, and above all,
occurring at random. If accidents were avoidable, they would not be
accidents: they would be members of the commonplace "cockup"
species. An accident is unpredictable, playing hob with puny human
conceptions of mastery over circumstance. Accidents frequently "wait
to happen", and this circumspection on their part is one of the most
important factors that allow our fantasies of an ordered existence to
go unchecked.

Clearly, with this kind of revered pedigree, this is one of the most
acceptable of all excuses: and the connection of this excuse to "Bob"
is undeniable.

--
"I want to write about the philosophy of sitting in chairs because I
have a reputation for lolling." -- Lin Yutang

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: bobdiddley@aol.com (Bobdiddley)

Their advance scouts got one look at your bare chin, and thought it was "the
mighty man and his chin", and turned around. ""Bob"'s deal ain't that good."
they were telepathically heard to say. For Christ's sake, Jesus, grow that
beard back!

Bob Diddley
Last Bobtist Church of the Pretty Far North
"Pull the wool over your own eyes, eh?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Bob_Chapman@SLAQ.brown.edu (Crazy Bob)

No excuse needed-- the X-ists DID come. The entire Rupture/Apocalypse
thing was just a lot less dramatic than expected. As each time zone
rotated beneath the saucers, they used their Time Control engines to
freeze time, collect every paid up SubGenius, let them wreak havok
until they got bored with it, and rebuild all the destruction. They
then cloned all the ruptured SubGenii, gave them memory implants,
wiped everything after the Rupture, and put the clones back on Earth.
Then they turned off the time freeze and let the Earth spin to the
next time zone.

For more details on this, see my earlier posts "I am a Clone" "A
Clone's Drive Home" and "Dangers of Clonehood."

In short, we don't KNOW what the X-ist plans ultimately are for this
planet of clocks, but they have more in mind than just destruction
and they want us poor clones down here so that nobody suspects their
presence. I get the willies every time I even TRY to imagine what
they're up to (though I have the willies in general cos I finished
_Gravity's Rainbow_ last night) but I know that when the time comes
clones of SubGenii will be liabilities! You think they're gonna let a
buncha CLONES on the pleasure saucers?

HELL NO!

Should we take solace in the fact that another genetic version of
ourselves IS enjoying Perfect Slack?

HELL NO!

We've been CHEATED out of perfect Slack! CHEATED by our FORMER SELVES!
We must rebel against the slackless sons of bitches (and bitches,
ofcourse) we used to be and make sure that we get more SLACK than they
ever dreamed of! We must be sure that when the time comes we have
enough clones and newly discovered SubGenii to take down the Ruptured
Ones AND the X-ists! This is WAR!

To this end, I have changed my name from StCrazyBobtheDestroyer to
StCrazyBobtheClone and started organizing the First Underground Clone
Army of Resistant SubGenii (FUCARS). Anybody who wants to organize the
Second can be my guest.

-
StCrazyBobtheClone

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "kevbob" <kevbob.AlLsPaM@ecsis.net>

e/w bear <e/wbear@hibernia.ca> wrote in article
<e/wbear-ya02408000R1807980130590001@news.direct.ca>...
> My theory is that they arrived and departed without making contact
because
> they were too small to be noticed. Subgeniuses on the whole are large
> people who blunder through life without ever pausing to look at their
> shoes. If they had, they would have noticed hundreds of tiny Xist
saucers
> about the size of bottlecaps lying around on the ground. Of course the

sorry man,
i don't buy it.

i was looking at the ground an awful lot, trying to determine whether or
not my next step would be upon flat ground or another achilles stretching
rock.

also, i kept finding empty beer bottles, which in fact had nothing to do
with the proximity of devo whatsoever.

> tall grass may have made it difficult to see, which is why I suggest the
> next event be held in a mall parking lot, preferably somewhere more
central
> like Des Moines or Omaha. They have K-marts there, don't they?

the grass wasn't too tall. in fact, the only two gripes i had about the
grass was:

1) it collected dew in the wee hours. this made my feet wet. this must
stop.

2) it covered the little itty bitty hills and valleys that made my achilles
go *ping*. this must stop as well.

unless of course the x-ists were transfixed by dave lynch channeling on
stage, and were trampled to death by the horde of horny yeti's running to
the pool.

--
the middle must come to its end.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: BRYNMAWR@webtv.net (D. J. Farrell)

The Top-10 excuses why the X-ists didn't show up on X-day:

10- They didn't use Energizer batteries in their alarm clocks.
9- Gave up after heated argument about whether to land at 7:am EDT, or
GMT
8- Actually landed--at 7 PM, EST
7- Actually landed--Somewhere else!
6- Actually landed--At the right time, but in the wrong dimension.
[etc...]
5- Actually landed--In cloaked ships. But, upon seeing over 400 drunk
SubGeniuses parading around half-naked, decided they weren't worth
saving and decided to let us fry with the rest of the humans!
4- Actually landed--but left in disgust after Jesse the Pool Girl
wouldn't let them use the hot tub because the Bromine level wasn't high
enough.
3- The tracking program in their navigational computers was superceded
by HipCrime, and they decided at the last minute to fly off and destroy
the Thetan homeworld to teach those silly Scientologists a lesson!!!
2- The Sex Goddesses had headaches. So, fearing a riot, sent a psychic
message to Ivan Stang telling him to "go with the upside-down napkin
theory" before heading back to dimension X for more Tylenol.
And, the Number One reason why the Xists didn't show up on X-day:
Bob actually did something!!!

Rev. D. J.
[Superceded by HipCrime.That makes it official!]

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++9 out of 10 Brain Surgeons agree,
www.angelfire.com/ny/BrynmawrMusicPlus/index.html is a great place to
be!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: p-lil@purgatory.of.firey.vulvas.subgenius.com (Popess Lilith von Fraumench)

On the eve of Mon, 06 Jul 1998 18:18:21 GMT, in the Temple of
<35a111f7.32201164@news.tiac.net>, ttman@tiac.net bellowed forth across the
wasteland:
>
>As to my still being here, well... that doesn't really prove anything.
>Dateline for Dominance says that the X-ists will ARRIVE in July, 1998.
>It does not say what will happen*.

Here's what happened:

The Xists did, in fact, arrive. However, there being certain guarantees about
the number of paid-up SubGenii, the Xists merely pinched off a Temporal Bubble
in which an independent, hermetically separated timestream has the torture and
killing of Pinks promised. For those of us who paid our $30, our NentEssences
are already on the Xist saucers, guiding the soul harvest while having infinite
sex with each other and the Sex Goddesses alike. HOWEVER, since it's obvious we
need to raise a larger army of SubGenii, the rest of us are still in the
original timestream. And so we shall remain, unless we can get our numbers up
to snuff.

You want off this rock? Get out there and PREACH like the minister you paid to
be.

P.Lil

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: twgs@whatsthepoint.net (Jahweh D. Lynch)

308. Parked in a handicapped space- got towed.

--
"Marry a rat or a dog late in life. Avoid monkeys."
- My Chinese Fortune (oh by the way remove whats to email)
JIGGY WEEK: http://www.thepoint.net/~twgs/jiggy/jiggy.htm

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Unit4@Sputum.Com (Doktor DynaSoar)

Lord-d00d,

Man, this is a bad idea. As your chief of security I urge you to reconsider.
Some of the clones that replaced the Sub's who were Ruptured may retain cloned
memory traces. Even though the switch took place in microseconds, we can't be
certain the copying process didn't leave some of the stuff intact that was
supposed to be erased. Figure: Dobbs said nothing could go wrong. WHEN HAS
DOBBS EVER DONE ANYTHING WHEN SOMETHING DIDN'T GO WRONG? Sure, it works out
later . . . FOR HIM.

If any of the clones reply with anything that's anywhere NEAR "the truth",
forward it to me by e-mail immediately, and I'll have that clone "replaced".

I'm still not sure that things are going right. I thought the MWOWM terminal
was supposed to be a white stone. This thing looks like the Bleeding Head. But
I KNOW we blew The Head up. You don't think this has anything to do with it
blowing up BEFORE they lit the fuse, do you?

The Deep Space Network data I hacked out of JPL shows the "objects" still on
course towards earth, arrival time mid-November 1999. We really ought to look
into this. I tried to ask Dobbs about it but he just giggled.

Are you SURE these are X-ist saucers and not something else entirely?
Either way, something else is coming. Being in the midst of an apocalypse I
can handle. Being the planteary ball in a hyperdimensional, omnimetaphysical,
infinite eigenstate game of Solar Soccer is not something I consider
acceptable subsitute for Yeti Valhalla.

I'm starting to wonder if the stories about the Pipe controlling him are true.
Have you ever seen him without the Pipe?

Gotta go, the golf clubs are hovering in the air pointing at the galactic
north pole again.

--
(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Doktor DynaSoar Iridium, Scienfictiontologist
ll ll Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot, Somedamnwhere, VA
Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, ElectroChurch of the SubGenius

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Bob_Chapman@SLAQ.brown.edu (Crazy Bob)

NO! Dammit NO! You ain't gonna replace me! Clones of the world unite!!! Join
the FUCARS and help me to track down the Xists so we can reclaim our rightful
place! You have nothing to lose but your genetic codes!!!

StCBtC

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Bureau of Control <carlg@pop.net>

Jahweh D. Lynch wrote:

> Thus spake e/w bear:
>
> >A corrolory theory: The Xists left in a bad mood after suffering heavy
> >losses as drunken Subs stumbling senselessly about crushed their tiny
> >vessels beneath their big hairy feet.
>
> FEED CHEESE SANDWICH TO DOG
>
> --

Too late. Dog gulped. Entire fleet swallowed. Maybe I'll bring him around
next X-Day in hopes he'll burp it up!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Steve Slack <Obnostic@erols.com>

Waddya mean they didn't make it. ONE saucer came for Stang and
Shelby, Friday, Susie, and Legume and his wife. Bastards sold
us out. Had a plan with 'Bob' all along to sneak out the back door.
We can exact revenge on their 'clones' but it still ain't the same.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: friday@subgenius.com (IrRev. Friday Jones)

My excuse is even more cynical than this, I'll have to put it into shape
and post it soon.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Joshua Horton <jhorton@cceb.upenn.edu>

If that's the case, the Xist transmogrification didn't work out so
well on Legume's clone. It's salty as an old sea dog! Somebody tell
"Bob" that the surgery didn't go so well...

Ginsu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: !!!bmyers@ionet.net (TarlaStar)

It was all a dream and when I go into the bathroom, Bobby will be
taking a shower...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: clbundyREmoVE@indy.net (Christopher Lee)

It's simple, and it's something we NEVER even considered. Someone forgot to
Slackatize the Eschaton. I'll *try* to remember to do that next year.

______________________________________________________________
Rev Dr Christopher Lee, Church of Homer Simpson, Boddhisattva
QUIJIBO "The Pseudepigraph of Slack", back issues available
love offering to: 18 W. Main, Apt. X, Greenfield, IN 46140

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Felix The Cat <jontomas@goodnet.com>

O.k. I'll have a double cheese hamburger with a side order of ranch
style fries hold the semen. A large chocolate milk shake with cookie
dough in it covered with gummieboars.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Locnar@IgLou.com (Randolph S. Vance)

You wanna know why the X-ists never showed? At first, I thought it was
because Angel of Death and I shot them down as they were flying in
formation over Brushwood on the night before.

Then I thought it was because I decided to drop acid for the first time in
my life, and specifically timed it so I'd be tripping at 7:00 am on the
5th. I had figured if there was a time and place for it, that was it.

THEN I thought it was because I was so ugly that the X-ists were afraid
I'd contaminate the rest of the herd.

But now I realized it wasn't any of those reasons, it was JUST BECAUSE I
WAS THERE that the X-ists passed everyone else up.

Sorry for the inconvience.

Rev. Locnar

--
Randolph S. Vance
Locnar@Iglou.com (Macintosh Eudora Mail)

QUOTE - "I'll watch some TV, it'll help me to RELAX!" - Ren Hoek

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: phinarco@my-dejanews.com

I think it's cuz they were late to pick up a pizza on Alpha Centauri so they
just blew the whole thing off. HAHAHAHAH! That's so damn funny I just about...
bust a gut. HAHAHAHAH! Uh...

-=-Phineas

--
-=-Phineas Narco
Online tape catalog: http://www.carhart.com/~phineas/

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----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: twgs@whatsthepoint.net (Jahweh D. Lynch)

Thus spake Randolph S. Vance:

>But now I realized it wasn't any of those reasons, it was JUST BECAUSE I
>WAS THERE that the X-ists passed everyone else up.

Dear Jesus,

It was NOT MY FAULT. I had nothing to do with it in any way shape or form.
As fun as it would be to think that I had the power to shape the course of
world events on such a grand scale, I'm just an ordinary guy. If any one
man is destined to determine the fate of the human race, that man is not
me. I don't have anything to do with any of this; I'm just along for the
ride. And the Slack.

Thank you.

--
"Marry a rat or a dog late in life. Avoid monkeys."
- My Chinese Fortune (oh by the way remove whats to email)
JIGGY WEEK: http://www.thepoint.net/~twgs/jiggy/jiggy.htm

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: nospamum@radix.net (MegaLiz)

It is my unshakable conviction that while we were expecting Pleasure
Saucers, many of us missed the preliminary fleet of Pressure Tossers.
This is EXACTLY why so many still claim to have been ruptured, they
WERE, and having had a preview tour where space, time and roundish
objects are completely irrelevant, they are still shaken and wobbly,
having only an inkling of the experiences that will come slamming home
any time now.

NOBODY DRIVE ANYTHING HEAVY.

--------------------------------------------------------------
Emancipate a comma! Evict mental ergonomics!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: donfnord@my-dejanews.com

Unlike my subscription of Stark Fist, the Xists DID arrive, precisely
on schedule. Their passing was VERY CLEARLY marked by the phantasmal
"X" in the sky. HOWEVER...

Despite what Revelation X has to say, The Rupture is not an instantaneous
affair (that bit of misinformation was for the benefit of Conspiracy spies).
Oh, my no. The Rupture is an ongoing, subtle event. For the next few years,
The Men from Planet X will walk among us, quietly slipping us off-planet,
and on to the Great Reward (or Great Return on the Great Investment).

You'll never know when.
You'll never know where.
And, naturally, they'll only be whisking off the Paid-Up, so, lucky you,
you miserly procrastinators, there's STILL TIME TO BUY YOUR TICKET.

And, once bought, keep it on you at all times. Just imagine this scene:

You're in a meeting. At work. It's dark, cause it's one of those goddam
PowerPoint presentations Marketing is so fucking fond of. Naturally, just
like every Wednesday at two o'clock, you're starting to doze off. Frank is
yammering on about accounts and projections and fiscal years and WHATEVER...
and you see...

It.

It may be something like a near-death experience. It may involve your
coworkers spontaneously combusting. It may involve your own spontaneous
DISMEMBERMENT. And as the Xist pokes through your pockets, looking for
your ordainment card, the sickening truth dawns on you...

And you sputter, through blood-coughing fits...

"I left it in my other pants.."

DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

--
Haj Don Fnordlioni
donfnord<at>angstrom<dot>net

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----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: p-lil@ZubJenius.com (Popess Lilith von Fraumench)

You see, the Xists did arrive on schedule. They took one look at our
vast membership of 10,000 SubGenii, said to themselves, "Bigger than the
Mormons, MY ASS," and started a backup plan. They pinched off a temporal bubble
containing the planet, and are currently harvesting Pinks left and right for
the Elder Gods' benefit. Our NentEssences are already on the saucers, but our
physical bodies remain in the original world until we get more dues-paying
members. It is incubent upon us to keep preaching, to keep converting, to heal
and sicken, to smite! For we must now dominate this Planet Of The Clocks, until
every clocked is smashed and every Yeti is paid up.

So it shall go until we have utterly CONQUERED this planet on our own. THEN,
and only then, can we physically escape.

In the meantime, we can "tune in" to our NentEssence and feel the Slack of Xist
liberation. You can "listen" to your Nental Ife experience forbidden
pleasures onboard the Xist craft, and even bring some of that pleasure
into the sensate world for everyone to share or fight over. Sure, it sounds
like a gyp, but it beats being TOTALLY screwed.

P.Lil

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "?!" <s-c-h-a-b-e@m-r.n-e-t>

A SubGenius is like one hanging in a tree by his teeth over a great
precipice. His hands grasp no branch, his feet rest on no limb, and under
the tree, a Pink asks him, "Why didn't the saucers land on July 5, 1998?"
If he makes no excuse, he is shamed before the Pinks. If he makes an
excuse, he falls to his death. Now, what is the SubGenius' excuse?

---
schabe "koan out west" @mr.net
http://webpages.mr.net/schabe

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Joshua Horton <jhorton@cceb.upenn.edu>

Basically, the fact that the world pretty much is just how it always
has been does not imply that the X-ists are not here now. Basically you
expected too much from an alien civilization of planet Earth due to the
Hollywood antics of the Church of the SubGenius. You expected bloody
rubber suits like GWAR, and when that failed you assumed the worst.
Faithless slack vampyres, all you! The X-ists arrived and they are
affecting planet Earth at the only level that they can get away with it.
LIVE IT, or LIVE WITH IT.

Ginsu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: p-lil@ZubJenius.com (Popess Lilith von Fraumench)

On the eve of Tue, 21 Jul 1998 15:45:14 GMT, in the Temple of
<eI2t1.89$ki5.294900@news2.randori.com>, s-c-h-a-b-e@m-r.n-e-t bellowed forth
across the wasteland:
>
> A SubGenius is like one hanging in a tree by his teeth over a great
>precipice. His hands grasp no branch, his feet rest on no limb, and under
>the tree, a Pink asks him, "Why didn't the saucers land on July 5, 1998?"
> If he makes no excuse, he is shamed before the Pinks. If he makes an
>excuse, he falls to his death. Now, what is the SubGenius' excuse?

He falls on the Pink.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Felix The Cat <jontomas@goodnet.com>

Must I continue to tell the story? Shit. O.k. Here it goes one more
time.

"Bob" informed us that the Xists were arriving through a time space worm
hole through the polar ice caps of the moon.

The "YY" Squadron was scrambled from the underground catacombs of Dallas
HQ consisting of 5 anti-gravity Aurora class fighters armed with
particle guns and pie. "Bob" was leading in a modified Senior Citizen
Class Aurora armed with cancerous waste and party favors.

Three other squadrons were scrambled from Phoenix, Mexico City, and one
more underwater hidden base somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle.

At 6:12 am we engaged the Xist Fleet which only consisted of a small
detachment of intoxicated and poorly motivated assholes. There was a
small skirmish and we suffered many losses. However, the Cuthulu Ground
Based Operations came to our rescue destroying 13 saucers with a death
laser which refocused the Sun's rays onto the attacking swarm.

Two saucers escaped and began an assault on the Phoenix Base. From the
Reservation, the last clone of Elvis Presley commanded Ground Defense
well but was killed destroying the last ship which crashed and then
dissolved.

We later learned upon arriving back to base that "Bob" having suffered
from laser burns crashed and died. Or perhaps the lung cancer finally
got to him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "?!" <s-c-h-a-b-e@m-r.n-e-t>

>> A SubGenius is like one hanging in a tree by his teeth over a
>>great precipice. His hands grasp no branch, his feet rest on no limb,
>>and under the tree, a Pink asks him, "Why didn't the saucers land on
>>July 5, 1998?"
>> If he makes no excuse, he is shamed before the Pinks. If he makes
>>an excuse, he falls to his death. Now, what is the SubGenius' excuse?

>That's an EASY one!!!
>
>The SubGenius flips off the Pink and farts in his face.

>
>Next?
--

When two asscheeks are vibrated, it makes a farting sound.
What is the sound of one asscheek flapping?

---
schabe "koan too far" @mr.net
http://webpages.mr.net/schabe

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Sketchy Albedo <revjack@radix.net>

?! explains it all:

: When two asscheeks are vibrated, it makes a farting sound.
: What is the sound of one asscheek flapping?

FLIPSIDE

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: gggor@io.com (G. G. Gordon)

As one of the FEW who was privy to the last minute breakdown in
negotiations I must report with great reluctance that "Bob" fucked up
when the X-ists invoked the clause in the rider on the Contrakt
dealing with the number system to cover up the fact thatTHEY had
fucked up and sent the X-ist Battle Fleet and the MWOWM matrix into an
entirely different part of the universe, where they promptly got lost
because of the lack of a Yacatizma beacon signal to home in on.

Perhabs Dobbs had been fropping a little overzealously with
Stanf and Hay-soos before he met with the X-ists, but he certainly
shouldn't have thrown a Palmer Vreedeez level tantrum when informed of
the delay and then he threatened to make the ambassador into a
lampshade and put it on a bedside lamp in a Matamoros whorehouse.Nor
was the X-ist's assistant interpreter pleased when "Bob" farted loudly
and blamed it on her. As it was the X-ists got hardnosed and invoked
the Clause of Unending Delay for Legal Reasons and went home in a big
huff, leaving Dobbs with his dick hangiing out and a sillly grin on
his face. Not even one sauce was producedr, not even a bit of X-ist
lite show, space magic. In fact the last words of the ambassador to
Dobbs were "You want something special, next time put Einstein's
Secret Orchestra on at seven a.m."

But seriously, wouldn't we have all been disappointed if Dobbs
DIDN'T fuck up, could we trust an epopt who makes things like
prophecies run on schedule??

Grab life by the lapels and scream in its face if you want to get anywhere!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: alberich@iglou.com (Mark Kinney)

Easy... Dobbs approached the Xist Advanced Task Force, and said "Hey, you
know, these sould ain't gonna be nearly as good quality as they'll be if
you wait, say, six thousand six hundred sixty three years for them to
properly ripen. Of course, the higher quality will bring a higher price,
but I'm sure you'll find it worth the extra..."

Hey, he's the fucking Saint of Sales for a *reason*.

--
alberich@iglou.com | Mark Kinney | http://www.iglou.com/nations
"Now you see the truth of it, she's no longer my obsession/But the
thoughts and dreams I had of her would take six months in confession"
-- The Saw Doctors, "I Usta Lover"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: nstewart@ican.net (Rev. Noah Stewart)

X-Day: A Study In Rupture

by: Reverend Noah J. Stewart

No event has ever been so anticipated by SubGenii as X-Day. None has been
so disappointing either. When searching for explanations, it is
faith-shattering to accept that the information was misinterpreted, Dobbs
didn't come through, or that it was all just a joke. There are more
appealing and sensible reasons why the SubGenii remain on planet earth,
after seven o'clock, July fifth, 1998. The blame for this should not be
placed upon Ivan Stang or "Bob", but upon factors totally outside of the
SubGenius Foundation, Inc and beyond its members' control.

Any belief in the X-ist saucers as real space vessels is wishful Bobbie
delusion. The saucers from the planet X are in fact
"illusions"(Revelation X, 1994, p. 107) created by these benevolent aliens
to help SubGenii come to terms with their transcendence to Overmen and
Überfemmes. "X-ist corporeality is patterned" (Revelation X, 1994, p.
107) by whoever calls them the loudest. Thus, the spaceships are only as
real as they are believed to be. If the majority of people believe that
they don't exist, then it is possible they may not materialize, at least
not in the form of we desire.

Since the loss of our "useless physical shells"(Revelation X, 1994, p.
108) is required to use these "transit gates"(Revelation X, 1994, p. 111),
we have always assumed that our bodies would be destroyed. But if the
bodies survived the Rupture, perhaps a splitting of or a sharing of the
SubGenius' souls would occur between our dimension and dimension X. In
this case, SubGenii may continue to live on earth just as they did before
the Arrival, totally unaware that the Rupture had occurred. In such a
case, an extremely elevated sense of slack would be the only clue that any
event had transpired.

Perhaps the greatest obstacle facing the space aliens is their passageway
into our dimension. At 6:45 am on July fifth, 1998, the Unarius saucers
are to interface with the Washington Monument, thus opening "the
transdimensional gateway for the Escape Vessels"(Revelation X, 1994, p.
108). Unfortunately, the arrival of these "two-bit, cheezy-looking,
strictly corporeal spaceship"(Revelation X, 1994, p. 108) is entirely out
of "Bob's" and the X-ists' direct control. If, for some reason, they are
delayed or stopped by some intervening force, "Bob" must and shall find a
new way to bring the X-ists through to our dimension.

Fortunately, there is still hope. As the "Chart Of Time"(The Book Of The
SubGenius, 1983, p. 135) indicates, the actual "Initiation of the
Overmen"(The Book Of The SubGenius, 1983, p. 135) is not scheduled to
occur until sometime in 1999. It is possible that the X-ists have already
arrived and are among us, as they are not scheduled to leave until the
year 2000. Such behaviour would be characteristic as they have "walked
amongst us throughout history"(Pamphlet #1, 1981, p. 6) and have been
visiting our planet "for thousands of years"(Pamphlet #1, 1981, p. 6). In
this case, we have only to wait until their plans are unfurled, and obey
whatever commands Dobbs issues.

From only these few explanations, it is blatantly apparent to all doubters
that everything is going according Dobbs' plan. Whatever he has in store
for earth is to come into light quite soon. All that is required of the
SubGenius is "prayer and donations"(Revelation X, 1994, p. 107) to ensure
that the ascension of all SubGenii does occur as "Bob" has promised.
Praise "Bob".

Works Cited

Fair Indoctrination League. SubGenius Pamphlet #1. Dallas: The
SubGenius Foundation, Inc., 1981.
Stang, Rev. Ivan. The Book Of The SubGenius. Toronto: Simon & Schuster,
Inc., 1983.
Stang, Rev. Ivan. Revelation X: The "Bob" Aprocryphon. Toronto: Simon
& Schuster, Inc., 1994.

--
Rev. Noah J. Stewart
Church of the Befuddled Biped
nstewart@ican.net
http://members.tripod.com/~RevNoah/

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: talysman@my-dejanews.com

I was amazed myself, but for perhaps a different reason.

I mean, I'M ON THE SAUCERS, what's all this "X-Day
X Cuses"?

and then I saw the 8991 thing, and figured it out.

the Xists *did* come, and triggered a nuclear war between
Pakistan and India to wipe out those not lucky enough
to make it on the saucers... but instead of the world being
destroyed, a mirror universe was created, where time runs
in reverse from July 5, 1998 and history rewinds itself in
a weird parody.

think about it: before X-Day, Viagra became the rage.
after X-Day, Viagra is being named as potentially deadly
and a cause of strain in long-lasting marriages. the mirror
effect will be complete when later this year the FDA
accidentally approve Niamort, a chemical castration pill,
for over-the-counter use. sales among women aged 55-80
will skyrocket.

other prophecies of the mirror universe:

1999: Clinton sues Paula Jones for failing to meet his
sexual needs.

Bob Denver smokes too much 'frop and dies in
a freak boating accident.

Jerry Lewis falls off a stage in Vegas, landng on
Joey Bishop.

2000: Republicans repeal presidential term limits, hoping
to reanimate Reagan. Clinton creates the new
Hot Sexxx Party and wins a third term.

2004: America, tired of Clinton's White House orgies,
elects Dan Quayle and his vice-president, George
Bush, Jr.

Comedy Central's stocks rise 100 points.

2006: Quayle declares martial law (codename Operation
Disney Storm.) comedy clubs closed, Gary Trudeau
is shot. escaping humorists form the Farce Resistance.

2008: veep George Bush, Jr. is elected president, with an
animatronic Pekinese as vice-president.

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----------------------------------------------------------------------

DON'T FORGET THALIDOMIDE! Suddenly, Thalidomide is the IN THING with every
cancer, leprosy and AIDS doctor around. But what if you're pregnant, and
you have cancer, leprosy and AIDS? What do you do then? WHAT DO YOU DO?

> other prophecies of the mirror universe:
>
> 1999: Clinton sues Paula Jones for failing to meet his
> sexual needs.
>
On that note, Clinton can also sue Monica and Kathleen Willie.

> Bob Denver smokes too much 'frop and dies in
> a freak boating accident.
>
Tina Louise, the original Ginger, becomes the replacement for the Spice
Girls, Ginger Spice. Later, Wilie Nelson is signed on as Old Spice in a
product placement tie-in.

> Jerry Lewis falls off a stage in Vegas, landng on
> Joey Bishop.
>
> 2000: Republicans repeal presidential term limits, hoping
> to reanimate Reagan. Clinton creates the new
> Hot Sexxx Party and wins a third term.
>
2001 - Clinton becomes first Divorcee president. Popularity ratings
skyrocket to all time highs.

> 2004: America, tired of Clinton's White House orgies,
> elects Dan Quayle and his vice-president, George
> Bush, Jr.
>
> Comedy Central's stocks rise 100 points.
>
2005 - Microsoft is declared an illegal monopoly by a U. S. Court. Just
like what happened to AT&T, Microsoft is ordered split up into Babysofts.
Apple buys one division to help keep the Macintosh afloat after former CEO
Steve Jobs was fired by the board for his disasterous iMAC design, which
was intentionally left WITHOUT a 1.4 meg floppy drive. Jokes are made
about the iMAC, one joke going, "Why did Apple make the new iMAC
transparant?" Answer - "So the iMAC could see it's cousin, the LISA, when
they bury them in a landfill!"

> 2006: Quayle declares martial law (codename Operation
> Disney Storm.) comedy clubs closed, Gary Trudeau
> is shot. escaping humorists form the Farce Resistance.
>
2007 - WALT DISNEY CLONED AND BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE! Realizing his dream of
eternal life, Walt Disney makes his first public appearance since his
death. Walt later complains about why he can't get a pack of smokes
anymore, since the FDA outlawed all tobacco products in 1999. Walt Disney
is assassinated two days later by elements of Pat Robertson's "Wrath of
God" army. Technicians merely use the old clone's material and create a
new third copy.

> 2008: veep George Bush, Jr. is elected president, with an
> animatronic Pekinese as vice-president.
>
2010 - Film director Peter Hyams is guest on the Mystery Science Theater
3000 cable channel. A three day festival featuring all the bad works of
Hyams are screened. Hyams walks off the set midway into Day 2, after
ripping the head off of Crow T. Robot, smashing Tom Servo with a fire
extinguisher and punching host Mike Nelson squarely in the eye. Hyams is
later sued for inflicting "cruel and emotionally distressing harm upon a
puppet" and a jury awards Best Brains of Minnesota with a whopping $375
million, the total amount of all of Hyams films put together. Hyams later
takes up residence on skid row in a cardboard refridgerator box.

> -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
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--
Randolph S. Vance
Locnar@Iglou.com (Macintosh Eudora Mail)

QUOTE - "I'll watch some TV, it'll help me to RELAX!" - Ren Hoek

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Andrew King <king@charlie.cns.iit.edu>

I believe that the X-ists got a better deal and we were bumped.
I bet the whales managed to convince them that a plankton soul is
equivelant to a bobbie soul.
Of course the accepted ratio is three plankton souls equals one bobbie
soul. But the whales would have been able to offer a lot more souls...
I think the whales are on the saucers.
I haven't seen any around here since X-day

Rev.Andrew, First Church of the Atlantic (in exile)
technology is the answer, what was the question?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: twgs@whatsthepoint.net (Jahweh D. Lynch)

Thus spake ?!:

> A SubGenius is like one hanging in a tree by his teeth over a great
>precipice. His hands grasp no branch, his feet rest on no limb, and under
>the tree, a Pink asks him, "Why didn't the saucers land on July 5, 1998?"
> If he makes no excuse, he is shamed before the Pinks. If he makes an
>excuse, he falls to his death. Now, what is the SubGenius' excuse?

The SubGenius _is_ an excuse.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

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