The parable of the old woman and the snake:
There was once an old woman who, while walking down the road one day, happened upon a group of men beating a poisonous snake with clubs. The woman intervened, saving the snake. She took the snake home with her and nursed it back to health. She carried the snake with her wherever she went, caressing it as if it were here child. One day the snake bit her on the neck. As she lay dying she asked the snake, "why have you done this, after I have been so kind to you?" "You knew I was a snake", he replied.
Many of you out there seem upset at my resurrection. I'd like to apologize profusely to these people, but since it would be totally insincere I won't trouble myself to do so. Fuck you if you can't take a joke. I don't owe you an apology. I don't owe you ANYTHING . I go broke for a week after every devival I preach . I'm lucky if I can even recoup my travel expenses, running all over the fucking east coast preaching to people who stare like dogs, who'll go home afterwards and DO NOTHING, safe in the comfort of knowing that there are some SubGeniuses who will fight the conspiracy in their stead. When you see us hanging from the gallows you'll know it's time to burn your membership card. You have no faith, you have no clue, you are pathetic, kiss my ass.
There are others in the church who got a real good laugh, both at my death and my resurrection. I'm glad to know that there are some folks still in this church to whom nothing is sacred. These are the true SubGeniuses, twisted bastards who will revel in the horrors of the coming days, not simpering little bovine TV-eyed sexless wretches waiting to be crushed like marmosets under the conspiracy's iron boot.
So if your feelings are hurt, remember one thing; YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME. Obviously you think that the things I have said and done in the church in the past have all been misinterpreted as some sort of "performance". This is not so. Just because there's a stage and microphones doesn't mean that I'm some "artist''
Remember, Hitler had a stage and microphone, too. As Hitler had his Jews, I have the Pinks . I will drive them before me and....but I digress. I will have my day with them.
In reality, I am an evil man, the Subgenius warrior caste. I am the frontline soldier for Dobbs, putting my dick on the stump while most of you just sit and watch as the Christians multiply all around you. I don't do this because I want to save them. I do it because I HATE them. How many of you have marched into the belly of the beast to assault the pinks on their own ground, to destroy their faith? Five? Shit, most of you don't even have the balls to stand up in front of your supposed Yeti "kin" and testify what Dobbs has done for you. Most of you would make total assholes of yourselves if you tried. Even Christians would snicker at your ineptitude and your shaking little marmoset hands. SO FUCK YOU OK? FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! I OWE YOU BASTARDS NOTHING! KISS MY ASS! THE ONLY REASON YOU FUCKERS ARE STILL ALIVE IS THROUGH MY GRACE! SO YOU OWE ME. DON'T MAKE ME COLLECT.
Doktor Legume
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: clavis@ix.netcom.com (the Grand Clavister )
Date: 27 Oct 1995 02:13:09 GMT
You... big JERK!
the Grand Clavister of NYC (and points Beyond)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
There were resurrections all night long at THIS wake. (photo by Rev.Matt)
Shit, and I thought I was the center of the universe. Allright I'm all
puckered up...bring those butt cheeks closer...
> There are others in the church who got a real good laugh, both at
> my death and my resurrection. I'm glad to know that there are some folks
> still in this church to whom nothing is sacred.
Actually, until I read this posting that's what I thought slack was all about
Nothing is sacred. Unfortunatly now I see that yes, the whole concept
is just as sacred as a fatted cow in India.
> crushed like marmosets under the conspiracy's iron boot.
>
Fuck it, I don't belong here. I'm gonna go look for dicks on stumps.
Sounds like somethng Prince Charles might do.
Actually this is starting to sound like a cult of the self obsessed.
I'm outa here. But before I go, remember that only the truly absurd will
be save.
Sylvia
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: nickie@mars.superlink.net ( Rev. Nickie)
Date: 28 Oct 1995 16:13:04 GMT
Jeez, from where I'm sitting, it started sounding like a cult of the
self-obsessed around 19fucking80. That's the reason I JOINED IN THE FIRST
PLACE.
*you have been blessed by a communication from*
-----Rev. Nickie
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: bmyers@ionet.net (TarlaStar)
Date: Fri, 27 Oct 1995 11:34:09 GMT
Organization: Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy
revlegume@aol.com (Rev Legume) wrote:
> "You knew I was a snake", he replied.
Well I didn't know you...but now I know more. I don't rescue snakes.
>Many of you out there seem upset at my resurrection. I'd like to
>apologize profusely to these people, but since it would be totally
>insincere I won't trouble myself to do so. Fuck you if you can't take a
Oh whine on, why don't you? You poor bastard, you're giving up so goddamned much aren't you? And we're supposed to be grateful, are we? You fucking hypocrite! I don't supposed you have any sort of explanation of how this hurtful lie advances the cause of the church do you?
The only thing we have, Legume, is memories and experiences. Those things are precious to each one of us. People loved you, and you don't care. That doesn't make you superior, that makes you pathetic. That you can hurt those who loved/admired you with absolute impunity and complete callousness disgusts me. I know my opinion doesn't count for shit with you. You don't know me, and I don't know you, but I've seen the result of your "Joke" and it wasn't funny. It was, without a doubt one of the most pathetic clammorings for attention I've ever witnessed.
> So if your feelings are hurt, remember one thing; YOU DON'T EVEN
>KNOW ME. Obviously you think that the things I have said and done in the
>church in the past have all been misinterpreted as some sort of
>"performance". This is not so. Just because there's a stage and
>microphones doesn't mean that I'm some "artist''
I don't see anything remotely artistic about this...and I've never heard you preach. As far as I'm concerned you're nothing more than a name...and a really shitty attitude toward his "friends"
>Remember, Hitler had a stage and microphone, too. As Hitler had his Jews
>, I have the Pinks . I will drive them before me and....but I digress. I
>will have my day with them.
No Asshole, you aren't driving Pinks, unless Pinks are capable of the same depth of feeling as a SubGenius (which I doubt), and I doubt you have either the will or the actual sickness to be a Hitler. No, you're just a wanna-be Hitler.
> SO FUCK YOU OK? FUCK
>YOU! FUCK YOU! I OWE YOU BASTARDS NOTHING! KISS MY ASS! THE ONLY REASON
>YOU FUCKERS ARE STILL ALIVE IS THROUGH MY GRACE! SO YOU OWE ME. DON'T
>MAKE ME COLLECT.
methinks he doth protest too much.
--
Reverend Mutha Tarla, Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy,
A Proud Jism Schism of the Church of the SubGenius, Worshipping
"Connie" Dobbs and Juicy Retardo since 1986
http://www.ionet.net/~bmyers/homepage.html
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: saint@prairienet.org (Andrew Matthews)
Date: 27 Oct 1995 19:39:28 GMT
In a previous article, bmyers@ionet.net (TarlaStar) says:
>Well I didn't know you...but now I know more. I don't rescue snakes.
the only reason the snake would bite is because the person caused
the snake to feel alarmed... Snakes can be domesticated. Much
like prairie squid. But, to the real point:
>Oh whine on, why don't you? You poor bastard, you're giving up so
>goddamned much aren't you? And we're supposed to be grateful, are we?
>You fucking hypocrite! I don't supposed you have any sort of
>explanation of how this hurtful lie advances the cause of the church
>do you?
Well, all it's done is destroy his credibility. Yetinsyn will examine his works a little more carefully for validity. Legume may have faith, but he's caused some to lose faith in him.
Kind of hard to laugh when you don't know that it's a joke, Legume. Kind of like telling someone a joke, but not giving the punchline until 2 months later. The joke sort of loses potency.
>The only thing we have, Legume, is memories and experiences. Those
>things are precious to each one of us. People loved you, and you don't
>care. That doesn't make you superior, that makes you pathetic.
Well, now we know Legume. One of the major differences between
the SubGenii and the Pinks is that we don't pick up the hot
potatoe twice.
>I don't see anything remotely artistic about this...and I've never
>heard you preach.
actually, Legume is a very good preacher. For the cause, he can preach up a storm. However, with his little prank, his validity is called into question. If he can fake his own death, couldn't he fake his loyalty to "Bob"? But, we don't know him. We can't be sure.
Legume, you and Janor should get together... you both have Hitler trips. Personally, I'd prefer more people getting into a Stalinistic mindset. Not quite as riddled with syphilis.
>methinks he doth protest too much.
"Yonder Legume has a lean and hungry look. Someone slap him with
a Big Mac already..."
- Julius McCaesar, Act II, vi. 34-35
$T.&REUX, KSC
--
$aint @ndrew, KSC. Ogyr Network. An official SubGenius Mutant-Of-The-Cloth.
snail-mail: Send $2 cash to OGYR NETWORK | PO BOX 53 | PLAINFIELD, IL. 60544
email: saint@firefly.prairienet.org or stumattheand@vax.colsf.edu
www: OGYR NETWORK ONLINE: http://www.prairienet.org/~saint/homepage.html
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: angela@infi.net (Angela)
Date: 28 Oct 1995 22:19:34 GMT
I may not be totally clear on what slack is but I'm sure that it's not
deliberately causing people to feel sorrow just to get a laugh. You might
not realize this, but even people who didn't know you felt sad when they
heard that you got killed. I was one. And I'm sure there were many others.
That's what people are upset about. That's not slack. It's just 'your'
version of it...and it's a pretty twisted and warped one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: blackmer@course1.harvard.edu (John Blackmer)
Date: 28 Oct 1995 09:40:43 GMT
Okay, anyone who takes offense at anything is being a complete idiot. I almost found myself agreeing with Tarla because her posts are so good, but that would just be the whole shit-stupid "messiah" thing all over again. Bleah. Just because she is cool doesn't mean she is always right. This is not the mafia or my day job. Legume is right, folks. Get off your ego, every Pink thinks "Oh no, I'd never fall for that snake thing" which is exactly why they fall for it, over and over and over....
I suppose you think he's "sick" or that "that's going too far". Isn't that what the Normals think about you? You sound like my grandmother, and she's DEAD. When are you going to realize that NO ONE IS SAFE ever ever ever ever?
-agsts "love to be in YOUR killfile. Have fun on X-day." QPM
P. S. better not look up, there's a sword poised above your head! What? That's not funny.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: ***Legume says "Bite me."***
From: nickie@mars.superlink.net ( Rev. Nickie)
Date: 28 Oct 1995 16:17:27 GMT
In article <46qgb5$jfu@ionews.ionet.net>, bmyers@ionet.net (TarlaStar) wrote:
> ...You don't know me, and I don't know you, but I've seen
> the result of your "Joke" and it wasn't funny. It was, without a doubt
> one of the most pathetic clammorings for attention I've ever
> witnessed.
You know, I just don't get this. I actually saw him preach, and thought he
was dead, but I WASN'T UPSET ABOUT BEING FOOLED. Why are you acting like
everybody was??? What is yer problem?!
Of COURSE it was a "clamoring for attention"! That's the POINT.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 28 Oct 1995 02:04:10 GMT
From: saint@prairienet.org (Andrew Matthews)
In a previous article, nickie@mars.superlink.net (Rev. Nickie) says:
>Perhaps you may have had TOO MUCH faith in him to begin with, and I don't
>think he gives a flying fuck about whether you think he's VALID or not.
>What is this, some sort of ART CRITIC'S COFFEE-CLUB?? "Oh, yeah, the whole
>Legume Death Hoax had a postmodern comment on death & absence to share,
>but I just don't think it was VALID."
Oh well. His loss.
>> Well, now we know Legume. One of the major differences between
>> the SubGenii and the Pinks is that we don't pick up the hot
>> potatoe twice.
>
>No, many Church of the SubGenius members don't even know not TO PICK IT UP
>IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Sure. Have you asked your boyfriend if he has AIDS? If you have,
has he said "No"? Do you believe him? Better not pick up that
tater, Nickie... Better get yourself tested. It'd be real funny
if he did and he LIED to you about it... REAL funny. Hell,
I'd be laughing. Woo-hoo! What a joke! Hahahahaha! Nickie fell for
it and boy doesn't she look like a fucking dumb ass! Hahahahah!
Pinks stab each other in the back all the time. Pinks LIE to each
other to gratify their little ego trips. Wow, I guess SubGenii
aren't different at all.
>> Legume, you and Janor should get together... you both have
>> Hitler trips. Personally, I'd prefer more people getting into
>> a Stalinistic mindset. Not quite as riddled with syphilis.
>
>Well, maybe if you think the OFFICIAL DOBBS-APPROVED goings on in this
>Church are too MEAN, you should leave and start the Church of IN MY PANTS.
>I'd like to see how far it takes you. "Oh, it's so MEAN! Mean people
>suck."
Dobbs faked his death to get the Conspiracy off of his back so
that he could continue the fight... Somehow, I think that its
the Conspiracy who will be looking at this and laughing their
asses off... "We don't have to worry about them, they're way
too busy dicking each other over to be a problem."
$T.&REUX, KSC
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: nickie@mars.superlink.net ( Rev. Nickie)
In article <46s32q$6rl@vixen.cso.uiuc.edu>, saint@prairienet.org (Andrew
Matthews) wrote:
>
> Sure. Have you asked your boyfriend if he has AIDS?
Which of my boyfreinds? It would make more sense if you specified. MOST of
my boyfreinds woudn't be able to get AIDS after I'm through with them.
--
*you have been blessed by a communication from*
-----Rev. Nickie
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: modemac@netcom.com (Modemac)
Rev Legume (revlegume@aol.com) wrote:
: So if your feelings are hurt, remember one thing; YOU DON'T EVEN
: KNOW ME.
That's correct, Legume, I don't know you. That's one reason why I never bothered saying anything when you were dead - I *DON'T* know you. I've heard of Dr. Legume, and I've read about you in one or two of those magazine articles Stang sent me (I've GOT to get on the stick and get these things transcribed - it's AMAZING stuff!!!), but I know nothing about you. But now I do know something about you, thanks to your death and your posting to alt.slack. And since I know know something about you, I can truthfully say: I ain't impressed yet. The idea seems to be that because we're SubGenii, then we can take ANYTHING as a joke. "Look at all you dumb-ass assholes out there on the Net. What, man, you don't think that's funny? Then fuck you, you're no SubGenius, you're just Pink and I'M BETTER THAN YOU BECAUSE I PUT ONE OVER ON YOU."
Fuck THAT.
I could give two shits of a clam's droppings what YOU think of me, and whether I got your little joke or not. So you're alive and not dead - big fat hairy deal.
I just happen to think that the way to make friends and influence people isn't by saying "I'm BETTER than you."
What I enjoy the most about being online is meeting people, making friends, finding witty and intelligent people who love a good laugh and enjoy being weird. That's where alt.slack comes in. We're getting together, and we care about each other. I've put a lot of effort into getting to know the folks here, and I like to think that I know enough to make a joke that won't make it seem as though I'm looking DOWN on them. Why should I want to do that? I'm just a guy with a modem - I'm no better than anyone else here.
And neither are YOU, Legume.
You say that you go running around the country, attending Devivals, wearing yourself to make them fun. That's your thing, so you can go and do what you enjoy doing.
But that doesn't make you BETTER than the people here on alt.slack.
It doesn't matter that you fooled us, Legume. We fool each other all the time. I've personally been a sucker to everyone here, and I've fallen for every troll posted to this newsgroup - ask Sternodox about that.
But those trolls are fun, because they don't make it seem like the trollers are looking down on us.
You know what happens when you look down on people, Legume? You show the world just WHO is better than WHOM.
I'll leave it at that.
End of Rant, and my LAST word on this.
--
==--==
Reverend Modemac (modemac@netcom.com)
First Online Church of "Bob" "There is no black and white."
PGP Key Fingerprint: 47 90 41 70 B4 5B 06 90 7B 38 4E 11 8A ED 80 DF
URL: http://challenge.tiac.net/users/modemac/
(FINGER modemac@netcom.com for a FREE SubGenius Pamphlet!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 28 Oct 1995 04:32:56 GMT
From: Bob (Not Rob) (Rob (Not Bob))
<Sniff> That was beautiful... Will you marry...uh, oh, better not go too far-- the NSA might think I'm "telling". Just kidding Ft. Meade guys, ha ha, plutonium, anthrax, Q-fever, jihad, airliner, and a cartridge in a bare tree! <Sniff> Just remembered I'm already married...ready to cry again...
____________________________________________________________________________
Rob (Not-Bob) SubGenius sum; nihil SubG alienum a me puto
surak1@ix.netcom.com --Terence, channelled through "Bob"
____________________________________________________________________________
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 28 Oct 1995 00:33:48 GMT
From: revjack@radix.net (Reverend Jack)
Organization: the Minivan Clench
I guess this would be a bad time to tell everyone I have cancer.
--
__________________________________________________________________________
Reverend Jack at the First Zen Gnostic Emergentile Church of the SubGenius
Minivan Clench =There is no way to Slack, Slack is the way=
revjack@radix.net http://www.radix.net/~revjack
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: petehip@cogsci.ed.ac.uk (Peter Hipwell)
Oh, praise RevJack! At last I got a laugh out of this whole sorry
subject. I'm going to listen to my Derek and Clive records tonight.
"He keeps coughing while I'm trying to watch Emmerdale Farm and that's
a FUCKING GOOD PROGRAMME!"... or something like that.
--
Factotum Maximus of the Zero Point Knowledge Unit.
http://www.cogsci.ed.ac.uk/~petehip/het.html for The One True Theory.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
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MORE of this ANGUISH CONTINUED in Part 2!
Original file name: ***Legume says "Bite me."***
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