OUT-TAKES FROM REVELATION X -- THE "BOB"APOCRYPHON
Maybe the mind CAN affect quantum collapse, and maybe we CAN shift the universe
slightly, shift back and forth between them. For all we know the universes
are SO close to being identical, we may shift across three or four universes
in a single moment and not know the difference because they're in such close
resonance. A few grains of sand on a beach somewhere are different. Only
if you happen to be near one of the points of difference would you notice
something strange, like a sea serpent or a flying saucer or a ghost.
Maybe we surf though the quantum like that, maybe we recreate the universe
every second and it's a brand new one perpetually.
Wow.
But probably not.
Probably when you die, you're just dead.
(Besides, for every painstakingly premeditated Satanic ritual killing, a
hundred babies are killed spur-of-the-moment by po'bucker Christian
parents convinced that their kid was crying because it was "demon possessed.")
Only after toiling for a week that lasts 1,000 years do you `earn' the `right'
to relax and go out on a date with a cute demon. But then you're faced with
the nightmare of SEX IN HELL. In Hell, you're judged by your LOOKS.
If your appearance doesn't conform to the most recent Miss Hell foldout
or "Marlboro Man," you're out of luck. And in Hell you age.
Your skin sags as the years go by, and you're compelled to wear elaborate
hairdos and make-up. On top of that, the demons make such a big deal out
of sex, both pro and con, that half the time you're so uptight about doing
things "right," you end up with a pathetic, unsatisfying, anticlimactic
halfway-orgasm for all your trouble. The only legal recreational drugs are
debilitating central nervous system depressants like heroin, while harmless
plant extracts like coffee will get you thrown into Hell Prison. There's
no point in even trying to imagine what Hell Prison is like.
In SubGenius Hell, there is no authority -- only Angels. Angels don't have
to sin, but they do anyway. Sometimes they frolic and have sex with SubGenius
souls. (Imagine ANGEL SEX!) Other times they watch us with no more involvement
than when we watch a sitcom. The concept of fallibility does not exist among
Angels, and so they are infallible. Angels are rather "Bob"-like
in this ignorance, or amnesia, of failure.
Telepathy is used, because there is no air to make sound waves; indeed,
everything in Asgard is composed of varying thicknesses and degrees of pure
pleasure, and all consciousness is in a continuous, undiluted Moment
of OozSquirt.
All who die as children go straight to Asgard and grow up there. They make
the best Angels, because they require almost no deprogramming.
They wear costumes to scare the Bobbies, so when they first get there they
think, "Oh, no, Lord I sinned, I've gone to Hell" -- whereas the
true SubGeniuses think, "Praise "Bob," I sinned enough!"
One doesn't have to be baptized in "Bob" to be saved, nay!
Members of rival cults who were unknowing, unsaved SubGeniuses in life
will find themselves in SubGenius Hell -- which they'll naturally think
is their Heaven. We may find among us rogue priests, misfit rabbis, deranged
sufis, even some cops. All who were great SubGeniuses and Bold Surrealists
without knowing it will join us in SubGenius Hell. You should assume that
YOU still have to send the $30, but there are some whose service
to "Bob" enabled the Church to exist for you to
spend that $30 ON. They might not ever know of the Church, or might hate
it, but they will certainly end up on the Escape Vessels in 1998 -- and
if they die before then, they'll go straight to SubGenius Hell, whether
they like it or not.
They'll like it.
It will be impossible for them not to.
All the stars in the universe are excited nerve cells in the brain of the
biggest, dumbest Elder God.
HIERARCHIES OF UNIVERSES:
Dictated by the Mighty Messenger, King of Archangels, Melchizedek....
A huge hierarchy. 7 SuperUniverses, 70 Major Sectors, 7,000 Minor Sectors,
700,000 Local Universes, 70 Mil constellations, 7 billion local stars and
7 trillion local inhabitable planets.
God's Farts -- the Ancestors of Universes
EVOLUTION OF DEITIES
Philo had Tourette's Syndrome... that's what it was all along, it just got
worse. What we thought was a sense of humor was Tourette's Syndrome.
Sacred spasms: When you can't think of anything else to say you blurt out
"shitamayfuckaie-hiii,"...
Creation was caused by something like spasms of Tourette's Syndrome in God.
This was also how the Church of the SubGenius "accidentally" created
itself through "Bob." In its own wisdom, it knew what it was doing.
It created itself and multiplied itself many times over, spawningnew generations.
This is how deities evolve. This is where gods come from -- this is where
God came from. To be a god, all it takes is enough curiosity, imagination,
enthusiasm, and Tourette's Syndrome.
