OUT-TAKES FROM REVELATION X -- THE "BOB"APOCRYPHON
THE BRAG OF THE CONSPIRACY
The following document was discovered by ovologist Wm. Trevor Blake among
a collection of rare books auctioned at a fire sale in East Tennessee in
late 1990. As this book goes to press, it remains uncertain if this was
written by SubGenius, human, or other hands. It is offered here for information
purposes ONLY.[3]
LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY! DO WHAT I TELL YOU! I EXIST IN A PLACE ALL AROUND
YOU. I CAN VANISH FROM THE PRESENT AND APPEAR INSIDE SOMEONE WITHOUT THEIR
KNOWING IT. I CAN MAKE EVERYONE HATE YOU. MY POWERS ARE BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION.
I USE MY POWER. I CARE NOT ON WHOM I USE IT. I CAN CHANGE THE COURSE OF
DESTINY. DO NOT ASK FOR MORE. I HAVE DETHRONED KINGS, DESTROYED ARMIES,
TURNED RIVERS TO MUD. EVEN A PICTURE OF ME MAY RELEASE MY POWER. GAZE UPON
ME AND THE CONFUSION WILL ENDANGER YOU. POSSESS ME AND DO MY BIDDING. ALTHOUGH
IT IS BELIEVED THAT ONLY I CAN ELEVATE THE VICTIM OVER THE OPPRESSOR, I
AM THE OPPRESSOR. I WORK FOR MANY BUT FEW I HELP. TELL ME THE THING THAT
IS TROUBLING YOU AND I WILL STRENGTHEN IT. THE ONE GIFT I WILL NOT GIVE
YOU IS DEATH. YOUR ANGER IS MY JOY. MY PEOPLE UNDERSTAND MY FORCES; NOW
YOU MUST KNOW. TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT. I AM THE INTERMEDIARY BETWEEN YOU
AND YOUR DESIRES. I WILL DIRECT YOUR FUTURE TOWARDS DISMAL GLORY. AFTER
YOU KNOW ME YOUR LIFE WILL HAVE LESS MEANING, LESS HOPE, LESS EXCITEMENT.
YOU WILL BE DISAPPOINTED. I KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU THAN YOU KNOW ABOUT YOURSELF.
IS SOMEONE BOTHERING YOU? THEY ARE MY HANDS AROUND YOUR THROAT. CALL TO
ME AND I WILL SET YOUR HANDS UPON THEIRS. TELL ME YOUR TROUBLES AT NIGHT.
IN THE MORNING THEY WILL BE TWOFOLD. I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU WANT. I AM HOLDING
YOU BACK FROM ENJOYING A HAPPY, PROSPEROUS LIFE. YOU CANNOT NEUTRALIZE ME,
YOU CANNOT STOP ME, YOU CANNOT GET EVEN. TO THOSE WHO SEEK ME OUT I AM SILENT.
TO THOSE WHO WOULD FLEE ME I AM EVER-PRESENT. I MISNAMED YOU AT BIRTH. I
EXCLUDE YOU FROM MY PROTECTION. I INTIMIDATE. I CONQUER ALL. I MASS MY ENORMOUS
ENERGIES TOWARD YOU AND I DO NOT RELENT. YOU CAN NEVER BECOME A PART OF
ME. ABOVE ALL ELSE I RELISH KEEPING YOU APART. I WILL APPLY MY AWESOME POWERS
ON YOUR BEHALF. I TOOK MY POWERS. I AM CURSED. I DO NOT EAT AS YOU DO. I
DO NOT SLEEP AS YOU DO. I DO NOT LET OTHERS CONTROL OR AFFECT MY LIFE AS
YOU DO. MY BODY IS NOT PRONE TO ILLNESS, MY MIND IS NOT SUSCEPTIBLE TO WEAKNESS
OR ERROR. I AM WATCHING YOU. I CAN SEE INSIDE YOUR FACE. YOU SENSE MY GAZE.
YOU KNOW THAT EVERYTHING I SAY IS TRUE.
WHAT IS THE BRAG OF THE CONSPIRACY?
A COMMENTARY
We can only speculate as to the real source of this document. Some analysts
have suggested that it is the voice of the demon NHGH. Certainly, it exudes
the cold greed of the psychic Slack vampire. But NHGH is as mischievous
as he is terrifying. There is nothing mischievous about this.
Perhaps we might call this the brag of Mammon, Spirit of the Conspiracy,
the indwelling force of Western consumer culture -- the SubGenius Devil,
which we never otherwise named... the force behind the glorps, the Mediocretins,
the Pinks: what saps them, what drags everything down, that tightened
sphincter they suffer when they think of losing identity, of dying. It's
the constant, unrelenting death-fear suffered by the Pinks, personified.
It's not a demon, or any entity, but the force of Their ignorance.
This is a verbal rendition of what that ignorance would say, if it
had a personality. But it has none; it's an absence, a nothingness. IT didn't
say this; it cannot say anything, it can only be the lack of something,
the non-thing that causes the Pinks' dread -- which is, after all, themselves.
That's the ugly thing about it. It's their own inner hollowness, their
lack of Slack, what's inside them INSTEAD OF SLACK. It is the loser's
dream, the little voice that whispers in the heads of losers. For all
pinks are losers.
