DynaSoar and Selina present Pickled Jalapenos
(An Historical Fiction Based On More Fact Than We Care To Say)
First, go to the store and get yourself a jar of your favorite kind of
pickles. And get enough fresh jalapenos to fill the jar.
(But it's already full. It has pickles in it).
You have to take the pickles out.
(You didn't say that).
I was about to.
(Oh. Well, go ahead.)
Take all the pickles out.
(How come you always yell at me when I repeat myself, but you can do
it?)
Can I just finish this?
(Then you'll tell me?)
Yes.
(Fine. Go ahead.)
Where was I?
(Yelling at me.)
I was not yelling.
(Yes you were.)
I was not. I was just frustrated.
(Well, how do you think I feel?)
About what?
(About you yelling at me.)
I WAS NOT YELLING.
(You didn't want to answer my question, did you? That's why you're
yelling now.)
(What's the matter?)
Look, can I just please finish this?
(I'm not stopping you.)
Take all the pickles out.
(What's the matter now?)
I was waiting for you to say something about repeating myself.
(I already said that. I wasn't going to say it again.)
I was just expect(If I did you would have yelled at me.)
WOULD YOU STOP INTERRUPTING ME?
(I didn't interrupt you).
YES YOU DID. LOOK, RIGHT THERE. YOUR WORDS GO RIGHT OVER THE TOP OF
MINE.
(I knew what you were going to say.)
THAT DOESN'T MATTER. LET ME SAY IT.
(Whatever.)
Take all the jalapenos(How come when you talk to them you don't yell,
but you always yell at me?)
Because I'm an asshole.
(I know.)
Then why did you ask?
(So you would say it. If I said it, you'd yell.)
Look, can I just finish this one thing? It's such a simple thing and
it shouldn't have to take this long.
(Stop yelling at me and maybe you could get done.)
Then stop interrupting me.
(I didn't interrupt you.)
Yes you, did. Look up there.
(That was before.)
So?
(So I didn't do it just now.)
I didn't say you did.
(You said I interrupted you.)
I meant before.
(You didn't say that.)
Fine. I want to finish this, OK?
(Do you enjoy talking to them more than you enjoy talking to me?)
LOOK, IT'S JUST A DAMN RECIPE.
(Then why is it so much more important to talk to them?)
IT'S NOT DAMMIT. I JUST WANT TO DO THIS. I JUST WANT TO TELL THEM THIS
RECIPE AND GET IT OVER WITH. CAN I DO THAT?
(Will you talk to me when you're done?)
YES.
( .)
Now what?
(I didn't say anything.)
No, but I could hear you thinking.
(Will you hurry up and tell them so you can talk to me?)
I've been trying to.
(You're taking an awful long time.)
JUST SHOVE THE FUCKING THINGS IN THE JAR, OK? AND WAIT UNTIL THEY'RE
DONE.
(That's it?)
Yes.
(Just put them in the same pickle juice?)
Yes.
(That's not a recipe.)
Yes it is. It's my recipe.
(I've never heard of a recipe like that.)
Now you have.
(That doesn't make any sense.)
I don't care. Besides, how would you know what a recipe should be? You
don't cook.
(Would you like it better if I cooked?)
No, because I can cook fine.
(It's a guy thing, isn't it.)
What, that girls should cook?
(No, yelling.)
No, that's an angry thing.
(All the guys I've ever known have yelled.)
So what does that tell you?
(They're all assholes.)
But what does it say about you?
(I'm nicer than they are.)
. . . Fine.
(I don't like jalapenos.)
I DON'T CARE. I JUST WANTED TO POST THIS ON ALT.SLACK. OTHER PEOPLE
LIKE JALAPENOS. OTHER PEOPLE LIKE RECIPES(That was a stupid
recipe.)AND I WANTED TO TELL THIS TO THEM. WHY THE HELL CAN'T I JUST
POST AND GET IT OVER WITH WITHOUT YOU INTERRUPTING ME?
(Are you done?)
Yes.
(Will you talk to me now?)
Original file name: recipe
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