testa@starbase.neosoft.com (Andrew J. Testa) wrote:
>
> HA! loyalty? Sure, while you're ALIVE, and he KNOWS it, he'll bow and
> scrape. But you keel over dead, WATCH OUT! That "loyal" dog will make a
> meal of the soft tissues of your face and neck, so when the neighbors
> complain about the smell and the pile of accumulated mail and the police
> finally break in, they'll find you're hideously knawed corpse with rover
> sitting close by, fat and happy, thumping his tail in greeting, waiting
> for the NEXT human to drop.
>
---------------------------------------------------------------
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
They only do that after they haven't been fed for days. And you would do
the same thing under those circumstances.
I missed out on most of this thread, but I hate to see our symbiotes
trashed. The evolution of dog and man is inextricably intertwined and we
owe those dumb fucks a lot. Cats are fine for frivolity, for entertaining
little old ladies and dragon-fantasy-novel enthusiasts, but only a dog
will rip the throat out of a burglar for you. There are neurotic dogs,
sure. BAD dogs. But are you really gonna blame that DUMB MAMMAL?
Here at the Foundation we maintain a large kennel of guard dogs, chief
greyback of whom is "Beast" (previously idolized in this newsgroup). Beast
probably knows more about the inner workings of this cult than any human
or SubGenius besides Will O'Dobbs and me, and THANK GOD Beast can't talk.
It's a close call, though, because that literal son of a bitch can
definitely understand many spoken English words, and has the intuitive
deviltry to manipulate us according to the verbal cues he's getting.
The question around here now is, HOW INTELLIGENT ARE IGUANAS? We have this
young iguana named Gwangi, only a year old and not very big yet. The poor
bastard has lived in a huge glass aquarium his entire short career so far,
because he can't seem to handle human company at all. He hates to be
handled, and lashes the would-be handler with his deadly razor tail. His
health is fine, he's just mean. My son, who bought him, wants to pawn him
off on someone else, but I've lately been wondering if I shouldn't try to
make time to communicate with Gwangi myself. I'm not kidding myself about
his reptilian nature. He's dumber than a chicken. But he's INTENSE. My
goal would be to make him one of the dogs. Every day I would be seen by my
UNIFORMLY PINK neighbors walking one very big, handsome, natural-looking
dog, one tiny, mutated, crazy dog (half Shitzu and half Dachsund), and an
iguana. WERE I to be able to add a third leash and be seen walking a FIVE
FOOT IGUANA along with the two mismatched dogs, my "image" among the
neighbors would be cemented to my satisfaction.
As far as I know, none of my new neighbors know that there is a cave under
the house, or a religious cult in it. All they know is, a hippie lives
there who never leaves, and some teenagers and a hippie babe, and they
have an unusual garden. Gwangi, were I too tame him enough to take him on
walks with the two dogs, but be the PERFECT TOUCH.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Dogs GIVE Slack (was
From: jimvdw@aol.com (JimVDW)
A perfectly reasonable discussion about cats and Slack(tm). Then all this
fug about dogs and now IGUANAS. (Well, one iguana.) Yer makin the sides of
my head go in and out.
The relationship of cats and Slack(tm) is much more complicated that you
suppose. It may be more complicated than you CAN suppose. Cats DO have
Slack(tm); cats DO produce Slack(tm); BUT cats are FIENDS FROM HELL.
Granted, they are not very smart fiends from hell, and some, maybe most,
of 'em are pretty likeable fiends from hell. I, myself, have been good
friends with several of these hell-spawn over the years.
In back of the computer chair is a drum set and inside the bass is a cat.
He's asleep; he likes it in there. When he wakes his eyes will open,
slowly, and HIDEOUS LIGHT from the INFERNAL FIRES will shine forth. He
will then yawn like Bagheera in the man-trap and say "MWOWR." He has bad
lizard-breath. He will go back to sleep.
Think about this: If you don't want to turn into a semi-paralytic potted
plant, you have to engage in regular exercise. Cats sleep 23 hours a day
but can still jump three times their own height WITHOUT ANY APPARENT
EFFORT. They are able to do this because demons can LEVITATE.
Now do not conclude that I am one of those cat-haters. I beleive that cats
must be PLACATED. Wup! He's waking up... Ogod, he's so vicious, he's
biting HIMSELF. HE'S KICKING HIMSELF IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD. Whew. I
don't think he noticed me. There may be one thing to keep him from eating
my soul:
___________
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|// \\| Both Benevolent AND Evil
|/ | \|
|| \ || Make Strangeness
|| ==_ _== || Work For You
[|/ U_\ /_U \|]
[ / | | \ ] Scathing Expose of the
[| |] Cult Business
\\ /'^-^'\ // Start Your Own
| ||___.___|| |
\| \.___./ | / Send $1
\ //---- |/
//\ //| / The SubGenius Foundation
\\\\/\______/ P. O. Box 140306
\\/ (c) Dallas, TX 75214
Jim the Prophet
Spreading Eco-Mulch for the Gods
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Dogs GIVE Slack (was
From: jlyons@haven.ios.com (John)
Firing up yet another Merit, Rev. Ivan Stang wrote:
: There are neurotic dogs,
: sure. BAD dogs. But are you really gonna blame that DUMB MAMMAL?
My dog can spell.
I'd ask my wife, "Did you walk the dog?" and she (the dog) would jump up
and run in circles, overjoyed at the prospect of going out. So we (the
wife and I) decided to S-P-E-L-L O-U-T the key words so as to avoid the
mini-stampede. "Did you W-A-L-K the dog?" She (the dog) eventually caught
on to the "dog" word, so it was "Did you W-A-L-K the D-O-G?". She (the
dog) figured this one out, too.
Now we (the wife and I) say, "Did you P-H-O-N-E the F-I-S-H?", and she
(the dog) hasn't caught on yet...but she (the dog) is starting to look at
us funny. (so are the guests). She (the dog) is catching on.
My dog can spell.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
John jlyons@haven.ios.com
"Another thing my father told me was, 'Don't talk to just anybody about
this. People will throw rocks at you.'" -- Speaker for Acceptance
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
I believe you. I believe you BELIEVE the dog can spell. It may simply be
that the dog can SMELL. We have no IDEA what goes on between their noses
and their brains. It's my theory that they "read minds" -- not through
telepathy, but through some pheremonal medium of which we bipeds remain
entirely ignorant. However they do it, they sure manage to be dumb as a
box of rocks, yet smart enough to make us feed and bathe them.
Stang
--
Copyright 1995 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
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