Subject: My Star WW II Review - Yada, Yada, Yoda

From: iDRMRSR <idrmrsr@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack

Well, I sneaked out of work a little early today, saw my replacement
unit, and had a large Marge-erita and Enchiladas at Lopez. Checking my
time control device, it was about ten to 7. I knew, my pad is across
the street from a mega cinema complex, hence, I COULD make the 7 PM
showing of SWEII if the luck plane was with me.

I got into the lobby. Bad, bad sign...nobody waiting to buy tickets.
Entered the showing room. GAWD! The empty seats! This could not be!
But it was! Contrast this to a showing of Beautiful Mind, which was
packed three weeks after it came out. All this hype, first 24 hours of
showing, and no lines or nuttin.

Executive summary: This movie is like a one hand, standing, medium dry,
no swallow BJ. Eminently satisfying, to be sure, predictable in
outcome, well worth the bother, and far better than any other
immediately competitive form of entertainment. But, not THAT special.
But, hard to pass up, and better off you are with it than without it.

Details:

The graphics and special effects are so toadally awesome this time, it's
quite easy to forget the horrible dialog and plot line. Leave for the
crapper when the young couple gets to Naboo and take a nice long dump,
and by the time you are back, you'll miss the dull spots.

Virtually everything in it was done better in the movies that it ripped
off. Dune. Fifth Element. Starship Troopers. Gladiator. Lord of the
Rings. They even actually mentioned spice mining in one spot! Not an
original thought in the whole movie, but if you liked the other older
movies, the techniques have improved at least.

Samuel Jackson finally got off his shiney hiney and actually did some
Jedi things, too. He's about as convincing a Jedi as, say, Ned Beatty
would be. He just ain't got the space thing. But whatever he got paid,
he earned his keep more than he did in the last whank.

Jar Jar Binks, mercifully, is there but doesn't kill the movie like the
producers daughter did in GodFather III. I think he has about two
minutes airtime.

I find it terribly inconsistent that wise Jedi masters would be blessed
with telekinetic powers, yet their lives depend upon never dropping
their fucking light sabres. Alas, George Lucas must have finally heard
me, because towards the end, the Jedis were actually using TK to grab
the fucking thing BACK after they dropped it. Brilliant. Why they
don't just use a titanium chain or something, though, is perhaps a
bigger mystery than the Force itself.

Natalie Portman's got nice tits. Not big ones. Puppy dog nose ones.
Another metaphor for this movie. Wouldn't want to miss them, but mind
you, there's lots better out there.

It occurred to me that pretty soon, though, I think mankind will have
entirely defeated evil. This will happen when Christopher Lee finally
clutches his chest and keels over (no, not OUR CL!!! The english
dude). There will be no one left to play the role of the totally evil
guy with a British accent. This will confuse the royal fuck out of
screen writers, pretty soon, judging upon the way he looks in this one.

I imagine when he croaks, they'll have to try and wheel out some new
villains. Maybe John Hurt, but he's too short and gay for wizard type
roles. Possibly Christopher Walken, but then again, he's pretty old a
fart himself. See what I mean? It's no coincidence that CL was in both
Lord of the Rings AND SWEII. He's the only game in town, or Pinewood
Studios at least. And getting gamey.

The only thing that would have made this movie better would be to
finally give up the story altogether, like Aeon Flux. Shut them the
fuck up the whole time and let the computers compose and continuously
render the action scenes. Really, if I had a copy of this flick, I'd
take it back and edit it into a special iDRMRSR version that would be a
half hour shorter and have nothing but music and special EFX.

I do think this is a filmmaker's triumph. It now IS possible to make a
movie where you develop no bond with the characters and the special
effects just take over, thank you, shoot the writers.

One last bitch. I am FUCKING SICK OF AUSTRALIA! They GOTTA find some
other cheap place to make movies. No matter how they dress it up, the
place still looks weird, and 98% of the big flix are filmed there
nowadays. OK, they did do some location stuff in Spain, Italy,
Tunisia. But it was CGI'ed in with Australian backdrops. Go on back to
California for a few years, and give us Yanks a break.

In conclusion, I think this one actually is the SECOND best (after the
original) in the SW franchise. And that's quite a compliment. Just for
the joy ride.

Next, I gotta see Spidey. Oh, and BTW, Men in Black II looks like a
winner, and so does the next Tom Cruise pic (Minority Report), and even
Matrix II. Seven, eight dollars a pop...prolly worth it.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: My Star WW II Review - Yada, Yada, Yoda
From: nikolai kingsley <nikolai@broadway.net.au>

> One last bitch. I am FUCKING SICK OF AUSTRALIA! They GOTTA find some
> other cheap place to make movies. No matter how they dress it up, the
> place still looks weird,

... and you don't want weird-looking SF film locations, do you? you want
it to look just like home.

jeez, how do you think WE feel? WE have to LIVE here!

> and 98% of the big flix are filmed there
> nowadays. OK, they did do some location stuff in Spain, Italy,
> Tunisia. But it was CGI'ed in with Australian backdrops. Go on back to
> California for a few years, and give us Yanks a break.

that's right. price yourselves out of the market and blame it on us.
well, guess what? thanks to former Prime Minister Gough Whitlam's
adventures in propping up the Aus film industry in the 70s, there are
about three hundred thousand actors, actresses, actroids, directors,
editors and those guys who hold the clapperboards about to break into
the film biz in a big way. Rachel Griffiths is just the spearhead of the
operation. WE WILL BURY YOU, AND THEN MAKE FILMS ABOUT IT!

---

glad i'm not a kennedy, too.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: My Star WW II Review - Yada, Yada, Yoda
From: Slackitude <allyerslack@whereyathink.com>

iDRMRSR <idrmrsr@subgenius.com> wrote in
news:7BCDC13DD31D7858.EB5078BE5EC9E8C4.4BA5DC66CCAA9FF2@lp.airnews.net:

> Natalie Portman's got nice tits. Not big ones. Puppy dog nose ones.

Based entirely on this I went ahead and watched the VCD of this sucker I've
had sitting around here. Maybe the picture is clearer in the theater, I was
expecting her breasts to make little "whuffle" noises and to be wet and
shiny. "What a clever use of special effects" I told myself, eagerly
anticipating the reactions of other characters to Ms. Portman's suddenly
animated boobs. I wondered if perhaps they'd even be prehensile. Imagine
her opening packages with them, or using them to hold her hair brush or
flip light switches (or the Star Wars equivalant) *sigh* life is so full of
dissapointment.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: My Star WW II Review - Yada, Yada, Yoda
From: "nu-monet v4.0" <nothing@succeeds.com>

Slackitudex:
>> iDRMRSRx:
>
> > Natalie Portman's got nice tits. Not big ones.
> > Puppy dog nose ones.
>
> Based entirely on this I went ahead and watched the
> VCD of this sucker I've had sitting around here. Maybe
> the picture is clearer in the theater, I was expecting
> her breasts to make little "whuffle" noises and to be
> wet and shiny. "What a clever use of special effects"
> I told myself, eagerly anticipating the reactions of
> other characters to Ms. Portman's suddenly animated
> boobs. I wondered if perhaps they'd even be prehensile.
> Imagine her opening packages with them, or using them
> to hold her hair brush or flip light switches (or the
> Star Wars equivalant) *sigh* life is so full of
> dissapointment.

Now waitasec, here, my man. We're talkin' an ALIEN babe
with an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT DNA, who lived A LONG, LONG
TIME AGO and not even in THIS, the "Maidenform" Galaxy.
What I'm sayin' is:

a) You never see any of 'em peeing. So you know what
*that* implies.

b) Those unrestrained things "wuffling" around on what
*you* would call her "chest", could be a LOT of things
other then "puppy dog nose breasts". What if they are
like, some kind of feeding apparatus that would BITE
YOUR HAND OFF if you ever got too near it's DUAL SHARP-
TOOTHED ALIEN MONSTER MOUTHS?

c) By now their descendants might have migrated to EARTH,
so everytime you might THINK you are reaching over to
gently bauble, squanch, and roll the nipple of the magnificant
and nubile breast of that lovely sitting next to you in the
theater in hopes of her becoming responsive then juicey to
your naughty auto-eroticism, propelling her to a lewd and
wickedly unsanctioned orgasm in the cool, anonymous darkness
of the movie house, YOU MIGHT INSTEAD HAVE ONLY A THIN-LAYER
OF CLOTH BETWEEN YOUR HAND AND THE EYEBALL OF THAT CHOMPING
MONSTER THING UNRESTAINED BY A WIRE SUPPORT BRA AND CAPABLE

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: My Star WW II Review - Yada, Yada, Yoda
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>

In article
<7BCDC13DD31D7858.EB5078BE5EC9E8C4.4BA5DC66CCAA9FF2@lp.airnews.net>,
iDRMRSR <idrmrsr@subgenius.com> wrote:

> The graphics and special effects are so toadally awesome this time, it's
> quite easy to forget the horrible dialog and plot line. Leave for the
> crapper when the young couple gets to Naboo and take a nice long dump,
> and by the time you are back, you'll miss the dull spots.

Thanks for specifying which scene is the take-a-dump trigger.
Moviegoers, heed this advice.

> It occurred to me that pretty soon, though, I think mankind will have
> entirely defeated evil. This will happen when Christopher Lee finally
> clutches his chest and keels over (no, not OUR CL!!! The english
> dude). There will be no one left to play the role of the totally evil
> guy with a British accent. This will confuse the royal fuck out of
> screen writers, pretty soon, judging upon the way he looks in this one.

I am glad you brought up this salient point! I was starting to wonder
the same thing myself.

> The only thing that would have made this movie better would be to
> finally give up the story altogether, like Aeon Flux. Shut them the
> fuck up the whole time and let the computers compose and continuously
> render the action scenes. Really, if I had a copy of this flick, I'd
> take it back and edit it into a special iDRMRSR version that would be a
> half hour shorter and have nothing but music and special EFX.

I did exactly that with the Jurassic Park movies. The whole mes is only
half an hour long that way.

> I do think this is a filmmaker's triumph. It now IS possible to make a
> movie where you develop no bond with the characters and the special
> effects just take over, thank you, shoot the writers.

Right. If, now, they would dispatch with "the mushy stuff" -- dialog --
entirely, they could make The Perfect Hollywood Movie. One that's just
a trailer from beginning to end. The star flies through the air in
front of a giant fireball every 15 seconds.

> In conclusion, I think this one actually is the SECOND best (after the
> original) in the SW franchise. And that's quite a compliment. Just for
> the joy ride.

I'm afraid I agree. The first one's a great classic; this one has ten
thousand good monsters and breaks new ground in recycling old ground..
The other ones didn't even have that.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Re: My Star WW II Review - Yada, Yada, Yoda
From: Christopher Lee <clbundy@indy.net>

iDRMRSR wrote:

Only seven more months til the next CHRISTOPHER LEE movie! In The Two
Towers, Mr. Lee stretches his acting chops a little, as he reprises the role
of Saruman, the totally evil wizard with a British accent! And then,
presumably, we'll also get to see him in Lord of the Rings 3, and Star Wars
3! Hurrah for Christopher Lee!

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Original file name: My Star WW II Review - Yada, YE - converted on Monday, 21 July 2003, 13:39