SubGenius Porn Movie Script

From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>
Newsgroups: alt.binaries.slack,alt.friday,alt.religion.subgenius
Reply-To: like.excess@sex.org
Date: Sat, Jan 8, 2000

CHEAP SUBGENII IN SLACK

Boxcover text: What did the fox do in the hole? Why is the
Lemur grinning so? In "Cheap SubGenii in Slack" you get to
see the secret fantasies of the gnarliest nabobs ever to
perform for their own pleasure. These scorching, sex-crazed,
dirty losers will take you to the ends of your surreality
and back, and leave you panting for air.

_CHEAP SUBGENII IN SLACK_

1a. INT. APARTMENT IN THE SUBURBS. DAY

THREE SUBGENII ARE LOUNGING ON EASY CHAIRS

THREE SUBGENII (chanting)
Lala-la, lala-la.
Who will play with us today?
Cheeseburgers and chainsaws
Who farted?
Lala-la, baby.

INSERT. INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY

A DIRTY OLD MAN, wearing a kilt, flippers and a penis mask is
looking into a crystal ball (at the SubGenii presumably). HE
MUTTERS something about the price of peanut butter going up and
how he can't afford any anymore, and something about harp seals,
and something about his dirty, dirty oldness. This goes on for
a couple of minutes as his landlady beats on his door and
screams at him in the background.

1b. INT. APARTMENT IN THE SUBURBS. DAY

SUBGENII ONE
Oh no! Mom told me to stay at home
today and let the plumber in. I
hope I don't have to get up for this!

SUBGENII TWO AND THREE
Well, if you gotta go you gotta go!
And while you're up, get us more
cheeseburgers and 'Frop!

SUBGENII ONE
Bye, bye! (waves bye-bye.)

SUBGENII TWO AND THREE
Bye, bye! (waves bye-bye.) Buh-bye.

SUBGENII ONE waddles out of the room.

2. INT. SUBGENII ONE'S KITCHEN. DAY

SUBGENII ONE is leaning against the kitchen table
pretending to play with its penii (saving on the
production costs). IT is talking to a merehume man
in blue jeans and a T-shirt, the PLUMBER.

SUBGENII ONE
So, you're the plumber?
You don't look like a plumb.
And where's your plumb "Bob"?

PLUMBER
I'm his assistant. I'm here
to check your pipes. Want to
see my butt crack?

SUBGENII ONE
What! Only one?

PLUMBER
All right! Wanna check my plunger?

SUBGENII ONE
What! Only one?

The PLUMBER pulls out his dick. He proceeds to plunge
out the sink with it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> SEX SCENE ONE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
SUBGENII ONE feeds the cat. The PLUMBER injures himself in
the garbage disposal.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

3. EXT. OUTSIDE A HOUSE. DAY

SUBGENII TWO
Wanna come inside for a while?
This sunlight is too bright and
is the wrong color.

SUBGENII THREE
Bite me. Where did you hide my
pumpkin?

INSERT. INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY.

The DIRTY OLD MAN is sitting on the sofa leafing through
a technical journal, talking to the articles in it. "Come
to papa," "I know what you want," "Mmmmmm...hydraulics,"
and so on for a few minutes.

4. INT. SUBGENII TWO'S LIVING ROOM. DAY

(Actually the same room as the one above, but on a
different planet.) SUBGENII TWO is lying on the floor.
SUBGENII THREE is sitting on the chair, with bad
posture.

SUBGENII TWO
Gee, I'm lazy, I can't get up from the floor,
and there's a dollar bill in my back pocket
that I want.

SUBGENII THREE
Want me to watch you lie there?

SUBGENII TWO
No, I want you to do the work of getting
the dollar bill for me.

SUBGENII THREE joins SUBGENII TWO on the floor, sort of
half-sliding and half-oozing from the chair.

SUBGENII THREE
How is it that nobody will invent a chair
that will pick you up off the floor?

SUBGENII TWO
It's not helping. Maybe if someone takes
my clothes off...I really, really want that
dollar bill.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> SEX SCENE TWO <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
SUBGENII TWO and SUBGENII THREE decide to continue lying
there on the living room floor, forever. Dildos appear
from nowhere. They go on forever, too. The dildos are
more animated than the SubGenii, but just kind of
frolic around the room like in a Disney movie.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

SUBGENII TWO
That's better. Why bother sitting up?

SUBGENII THREE
Oh, I have a date with my 'Frop dealer.
Gimme that dollar in your pocket. G'bye!

SUBGENII TWO
Oop. Here 'tis! Bye! Hurry!

SUBGENII THREE leaves, reinvigorated and motivated.
SUBGENII TWO rolls over onto a drinking glass. There
is the SOUND OF GLASS BREAKING. TWO MEREHUMES WITH
GUNS enter, wearing condoms over their heads.

SUBGENII TWO
Who are you? And why are
you dressed like police?

BURGLAR ONE AND TWO, TOGETHER
We're burglars. We are here to burgle
you. For burglaring is what we do. It
is our path, our chosen profession, to
be burglemeisters. And yet we are not
Bulgars, for Bulgaria is not from where
we hail. So don't confuse us with those
horrible southern Europeans. Ours is not
a racial nor ethnic heritage, it is a
calling. It would also not serve you
well to consider whether ours is a
genetic disposition to burglary, or one
that is the result of deprived childhoods
and an un-nuturing environment, but instead
just appreciate the moment, the intensity
of the event, in all its colorful bombasity!
(then, loudly) PREPARE TO BE BURGLED!

SUBGENII TWO
Shut the fuck up.

The BURGLARS give one another a stare.

SUBGENII TWO (continues)
It isn't worth much to ask, I know, but
I was planning to take a nap and wish
you would be quiet.

SUBGENII TWO rolls over and farts in their general direction.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> SEX SCENE THREE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
SUBGENII TWO has a lengthy, slow-motion nap on the floor
as the TWO MASKED BURGLARS rob the apartment.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

5. INT. SUBGENII TWO'S LIVING ROOM. DAY

SUBGENII THREE returns and finds the TWO BURGLARS lying
unconscious on the floor. SUBGENII TWO is still lying on
the floor napping.

SUBGENII THREE
I can't believe my 'Frop dealer stood me up.
What are these two cops on the floor, for?

SUBGENII TWO
They slipped on something on the carpet
and the fumes made them pass out.

SUBGENII THREE
Have you called the cops to pick up these
cops?

SUBGENII TWO
No, too much work.

SUBGENII THREE
Okay, I'll go get them. Nobody sleeps on
my spot.

SUBGENII THREE exits.

6. INT. OFFICE. DAY

A DETECTIVE is sitting at his desk, reading 'Spurts
Illustrated'. SUBGENII THREE enters.

SUBGENII THREE
The desk sergeant told me
to see you about my missing 'Frop.

DETECTIVE
I'm glad he did. Gee, I really
didn't think that anyone was stupid
enough to answer that ad in the paper.

SUBGENII THREE
So, how soon can I pick it up?

DETECTIVE
You know that it's a dangerous
illegal substance, don't you?

SUBGENII THREE
Whatever. The ad said you had found
a large quantity. It's mine. I want
it all back.

DETECTIVE
Please, sit down and tell me all
about it.

SUBGENII THREE
Well, I first met my 'Frop when I
was but a callow youth living from
hand to mouth on the street...

SUBGENII THREE so moves the police DETECTIVE with
the heartfelt, if totally bullshit story, that
he decides to let SUBGENII THREE into the police
evidence locker to have a whole bail of 'Frop.

SUBGENII THREE (continues)
...and then, when the banditos burned
my village and slaughtered my family,
it was the 'Frop, my only true friend,
who...

DETECTIVE
(Sobbing uncontrollably) Oh! Please!
Have some more! You poor thing!

SUBGENII THREE
No. More than a hundred pounds would
surely hurt my back, and besides, what
of the needs of the poor widows and
orphans who still live in a 'Frop-less
world?

DETECTIVE
(Gazes up, through starry and tear-filled
eyes) Oh, the humanity!

The DETECTIVE pulls his dick out.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> SEX SCENE FOUR <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
SUBGENII THREE makes a really huge 'Fropstick, and
flames that sucker up as the DETECTIVE masturbates
furiously, the only way he can relieve the tension.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

7. INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY

The DIRTY OLD MAN is achieving dharma on his
(blanket-covered) sofa. HE is muttering something
about "Xists" and "potted meat products" in his
nirvana. HE wakes up with a start and finds the
THREE SUBGENII in front of him.

DIRTY OLD MAN
Heh, heh. What are you doing here
you little pussies? Come to have a
real man, are you?

SUBGENII ONE
No, we are the ghosts of Xistmas past,
present and future!

SUBGENII TWO
No wait! I thought we were supposed to
be the three wiseacres, bearing gifts.

SUBGENII THREE
Aw fuck. It doesn't matter. He's just
having DT's anyway.

SUBGENII TWO transforms into a gooey robo-beast made
from cheese.

SUBGENII THREE
He can touch *me*, after the giant red
spiders chew out his eyeballs.

DIRTY OLD MAN
SPIDERS!?! EEEEEGAHOOOUUUUUHHHHHH!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> SEX SCENE FIVE <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
The DIRTY OLD MAN starts tearing out clumps of hair
while screaming, "Politics!" over and over again.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

EDITOR
This is the film editor. What the hell
are you doing?

SUBGENII ONE
Freeform, kind of stream-of-
consciousness shit.

SUBGENII TWO
Yeah, no one will have read this far
in the script, much less watch a movie
about this.

EDITOR
Oh, yeah, and I guess having an actual
editor would run it over budget, huh?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> SEX SCENE SIX <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
SUBGENII ONE AND TWO collapse to their usual postures
on the floor with 'Fropsticks in one hand and cheeseburgers
in the other. The DIRTY OLD MAN continues to rant and
rave, but is now tearing out his chest hair, thinking
that he is playing a game of chess with death, but only
has checkers on his half of the board. He is right.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

8. INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY.

The DIRTY OLD MAN is snoring on his sofa. HE wakes up
with a start, MUTTERING something about "sleeping with
starts." He lurches over to the window and looks out
to see a giant spacecraft parked in the street.

9. EXT. STREETS IN THE SUBURBS. DAY

The THREE SUBGENII are onboard the Xist spaceship
and OLD MAN runs out of his apartment hoping to be
taken likewise. The spaceship takes off without
him, and the SUBGENII look out a porthole.

SUBGENII ONE
Look, it's a dirty old man!

SUBGENII TWO
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

SUBGENII THREE (Yells)
Should have sent in your thirty dollars!

The THREE SUBGENII fly away as the Dirty Old Man is burnt
to a cinder by the spaceship exhaust.

THE END

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