Friends, there aren't many things you can be sure of in this world, as
crazy and tritium-powered as it is. As hard as "Bob" works, there are
still a few leaky holes in the Cosmic Dike and some of that toxic
psychic waste DOES get on our shoes. That's why you have to start with a
solid platform of belief and build on it.
Take your childhood belief-energy of envisioning werewolves under the
bed or whether or not you could slide down the shower drain and be lost
in the plumbing, convert it to believing in Supersonic Nazi Hell
Creatures or a hideous three-lobed space god alien who is fucking with
YOUR destiny, send in your money and hope they serve cherry Nyquil
smoothies on the mother ship! That's what they SAY, anyway.
Along the way, you should explore just one or two of your many
illnesses in depth, just so you'll recognize the scent of cousinhood
when one of the lesser-known ones pops up due to postmenopausal stress.
Don't worry if it makes your hymen grow back, you'll just fetch a higher
fee on the white slave trade rings. We're not on eBay yet, but we're
working on it. If you can come up with a cream that turns Granny's
withered clam into the snake-massagin' love-tunnel of her youth, please
see Rev. Jesus for the paperwork, praise "Bob!"
I took my Narnini stein, placed it under the spigot of Vat #378 and
downloaded two fingers of this:
I CAN'T STAND PINKS!!! I'd rather skip rope with their COLONS than
listen to ONE GODDAMN WORD that oozes out of their RANCID PINK FACES!!!
Being a SubGenius is like being a receiving telepath who CAN'T SWITCH
THE VOICES OFF!!! Sparks fly off yer brain like you were Robby the
Robot, losin' a battle with a rampaging ID! Just a few minutes breathing
MALL air with the PINKS and I BEGIN TO GET A RASH!! ITS AN ALLERGY!!
Catapaulting their own PETS into their POOLS hasn't GOTTEN THE MESSAGE
ACROSS! They didn't get a CLUE when the dumptruck of spoiled SHRIMP was
emptied onto their lawn! All they did was BLUBBER when their Buick was
replaced by a block of cheese carved into the same shape! They couldn't
figure it out when Shamu was dropped on their DEN from 10,000 feet! What
does it TAKE!?
I used to think I didn't really WANT to KILL them outright, that it
was just part of "Bob's" indoctrination process, but lately, I have an
ITCH in my good right hand no amount of masturbation could CAUSE! No,
its an itch the SHAPE OF A 9mm GLOCK with the Wings of SLACK etched into
the HANDLES! I wanna spoon-feed them INSECTICIDES and watch 'em do the
Convulsion MACARENA! I want to make giant WIND CHIMES out of their
SKULLS! I wanna make a SAILBOAT out of their PELVIC GIRDLES and SAIL it
to a place where there AREN'T ANY PINKS!! I wanna shoot my steaming,
poisonous, blueberry-scented DEVIL-SEMEN onto their recently-exposed
BRAINS, Warren Ellis-style!
I wanna steal and MAX OUT their credit cards, roaming through town and
buying up ALL the Preparation H and hard-copy PORNO I can find and then
dumping it on the steps of CHURCHES!! Its a CALLING! SURE Jesus wept, He
was doubled over and LAUGHING HIS GUTS OUT because of the joke "Bob"
whispered in His EAR! Even winos need love! Force-feed them Pinks the
generic grey burritos and make them ride the HyperSnake of Death roller
coaster until they're encrusted with their own VOMIT! They won't learn
anything from it, but we could USE THE LAUGH!
I wanna kick them in the ASS until I lose my kickin' leg and need an
artificial Bombay Foot and enough money to hire someone ELSE to keep
kickin' where I LEFT OFF! I wanna twist their heads around and around
and AROUND until they spin like a dreidel nailed to a DERVISH! I wanna
hammer a customized 600-foot HOT DOG into their asses with a STEAM
HAMMER until it sticks out BOTH ENDS and then SKIP ROPE with the whole
fecal popsicle of a rig, makin' the Pink in the middle BOUNCE and FLOP
like an EPILEPTIC having a LAUGHING FIT from listening to an old
triple-X (XXX!) MOMS MABLEY PARTY RECORD! That's one blessed nasty old
BITCH, ya'll!
POKEBOB, gotta SMOKE 'EM *ALL*!!! *I* got yer flame-spewin' Charmander
RIGHT HERE, you flabby-gutted, gutless, ignoramusoid, drooling,
limp-dicked, dickless, puckered, PO-bucker, finger-pointin' yet
DIRECTIONLESS, toothlessly-carnivorous, granny-clam-gummin',
Limbaugh-lickin', two-faced, half-assed, numb-nutted, panty-suckin',
shit-smearin', colon-crampin', entropy-stokin' PINK WATER BUFFALO'S
*ASS*FACES!!!! I'm gonna park a Saturn 5 BOOSTER in yer goddamned
RECTUMS! Just you wait.....
(Coda: If ________'s PROSTATE was HALF as swollen as his EGO, he'd be
floatin' around in the STRATOSPHERE, waitin' for the next misguided NASA
probe to POP his remaining "Incredible Male Cruelty" like the worthless
appendage it IS! Fill in name of least favorite poster as you like, but
don't use mine. MY prostate is only the size of a watermelon as yet, so
I'm merely lighter and nowhere NEAR ready to be a fleshy weather
balloon. I hear Nickie has one HELL of a prostate; she carved it outta
______'s worthless frame, spiked it on his gizzard along with the teeny
peeny and strung Xistmas lights on it! The children were frightened, yet
they could not look away.....!)
HAIL "Bob!" I mean HAIL fuggin' "Bob!" He's the only reason I didn't
launch a LAWS rocket THROUGH Hinckley and INTO Reagan when the moment
was ripe. Sorry, but I was using the Bowel Disruptor on Strom Thurmond.
It was set to "Prolapse," in case you were just BURNING to know. He blew
like a $5 hooker on poppers, Yee-HAW!!! EIEIEIEII!!!!!
HellPope Huey, ToothGrinder's Jubilee
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Original file name: The Rant That Keeps On Giving
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