I went to the Conspiracy doctor today to see what the hell the deal was with the headaches, murderous rages, hornlike growths on the forehead, the vestigial tail formation or "wart," the galloping nether lip sores, the missing thumb, the scaling on the dorsal fin, the voices, the dancing cigarets, and why everything is dim in my left eye, except for the sudden blinding flashes and the mathematical formulas that come pouring in, and the doctor said, "STANG, I'M GONNA HAVE TO CUT YOUR DICK OFF." And Stang said "Well DOCTOR? THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CUT IT OFF DOWN TO THE MOTHERFUCKIN' *BONE,* CAUSE IF YOU LEAVE *ANY* MEAT, I'M GONNA FUCK-RIGHT-ON!!"
I COULD RUN DOWN TO THE 7-11 RIGHT NOW AND BUY A PACK OF MARLBOROS!!!!
I could indeed. Or I could go to bed. Or I could... yes, I coulllld.... open up the line to Outside again...
The line to Outside was open all day, but, for once, it was the phone line. Generally, the way I have set it up, or the way Jesus manipulated me into, I don't care which, I never have to deal with The Others except through email, the rare phone call and of course the weekly meetings with Connie's lawyers and accountants. Suddenly a PHONE WAVE happened today. It was the SubGenius Activity Wave Effect, probably, whereby large numbers of SubGenii, INDEPENDENTLY, will suddenly be doing roughly the same thing at the same time. Or for instance everybody's cars will break down at once. I suspect that many of you may be in a "Broke and/or Jobless Wave" this month. We were, but it seems to have crested now that the new FIST got out... we found much needed fresh meat when we checked the snares this morning.
Generally the Phone Wave happens on Tuesdays, but today it was a Wednesday.
During one teleconference, Dr. K'taden Legume, Events Coordinator for the X-Day Drill, outlined some new Planned Camping and Worship Activities:
The Human Pinata
A Fiery Nativity Scene
THE BOX OF DESTINY (a test of faith much like the Gom Jabbar)
BE BORN AGAIN (Involves literally being expelled from a gigantic cramped "vagina" tube. All Attendees can be "born again" at no extra charge, but you'll have to PAY to "CRAWL BACK IN.")
SNAKE HUNT
CHICKEN SACRIFICE
I OKed the Snake Hunt reluctantly. I was going to insist on waivers for that one, but Legume reminded me in New York they wouldn't be rattlesnakes. We'll have to save the PROPER, YETI-style Snake Hunt for the Texas X-Day Drill 2.5 next New Years.
I was GONNA read some alt.slack but at the last minute I checked the SubSITE access logs, the keen doohicky that tells us how many of who looked at what on SubSITE in what order, when, and how long they spent.
IT WAS MOST ENCOURAGING AND REVEALING!!! Drastically changing and "aliasing" the opening page file names produced a WHOLLY UNEXPECTED BONUS by which, I realized when scrutinizing the log, one may determine just what DIRECTIONS visitors most often take while navigating around the opening indexes. Most of you may now TUNE OUT but I know of a few collaborators who will find this as amazing as I did.
When I tuned in, the AccessWatch had caught the day up until 10PM EST.
"Today, there have been a total of 5459 accesses by 1333 unique hosts viewing
an average of 4.1 pages related to SubSITE. (BLAH BLAH)
There have been a total of 44404 hits and 102 errors related to SubSITE,
((WOOF WOOF)) There have been 248.1 accesses per hour, and at this rate,
SubSITE will get 5955 accesses today."
On a normal day, our traffic is WAY UP! Normally we used to get MAYBE 1,000 individuals checking the site by midnight... 1,333 by 10 pm is REAL GOOD! But here's where it gets revealing to we behavioral scientists:
Page Location Accesses % of
total
/subgenius/ 767 14.05[*****]
/subgenius/fist3.html 160 2.93[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/eyes/eyes.html 142 2.60[*]
/subgenius/fist.html 139 2.55[*]
/subgenius/scatalog.html 131 2.40[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/fistclutch.html 111 2.03[*]
/subgenius/slack.html 107 1.96[*]
/subgenius/newdevivals.html 95 1.74[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/websites.html 95 1.74[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/ears/X0081_TimeOPeE.html 89 1.63[*]
/subgenius/Exit1.html 83 1.52[*]
/subgenius/funhouse.html 79 1.45[*]
/subgenius/churchnews.html 75 1.37[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet.html 73 1.34[*]
/subgenius/virus.html 69 1.26[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/ears/ears.html 67 1.23[*]
...ubgenius/bigfist/fun/devivals/xdaydrill/drill.html 67 1.23[*]
/subgenius/ts/hos.html 66 1.21[*]
/subgenius/marriage.html 66 1.21[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/eyes/gallery.html 59 1.08[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/eyes/gallery5.html 55 1.01[*]
/subgenius/warning.html 48 0.88[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet_p1.html 47 0.86[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/eyes/gallery4.html 42 0.77[*]
/subgenius/funhouse3.html 42 0.77[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/eyes/portraits.html 41 0.75[*]
/subgenius/subirc/subirc.html 38 0.70[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet_p2.html 37 0.68[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/fistclutch3.html 35 0.64[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/eyes/photo.html 33 0.60[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/sexhurt/sexhurt.html 33 0.60[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/women/women.html 32 0.59[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/eyes/gallery9.html 32 0.59[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/sexhurt/sexhurt2.html 30 0.55[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet_p3.html 30 0.55[*]
/subgenius/ts/hos562a.tsp 28 0.51[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/classic/classics/classics.html 27 0.49[*]
...ius/bigfist/eyes/gallery6.classes/BannersMsg.class 27 0.49[*]
...genius/bigfist/eyes/gallery6.classes/Banners.class 27 0.49[*]
...subgenius/bigfist/bulldada/Cant.go.here.blank.html 24 0.44[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/classic/classic.html 24 0.44[*]
/subgenius/updates/updates.html 24 0.44[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/eyes/video5.html 23 0.42[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/websites3.html 23 0.42[*]
/subgenius/scatalog3.html 23 0.42[*]
...devivals/xdaydrill/X0001_100s_of_X-DAY_DRILL_.html 23 0.42[*]
/subgenius/Sifting.user.html 23 0.42[*]
/subgenius/scatalog2.html 22 0.40[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/mens/mens.html 22 0.40[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/websites4.html 22 0.40[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/fistclutch2.html 22 0.40[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/mens/X0022_songs.txt.html 21 0.38[*]
...ius/bigfist/classic/classictales/classictales.html 20 0.37[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet_p4.html 20 0.37[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/ears/ears3.html 19 0.35[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/eyes/gallery7.html 19 0.35[*]
/subgenius/EZBrainwash.2.html 19 0.35[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/fun/devivals/GWARMedia.html 18 0.33[*]
/subgenius/EZbrainwash.1.html 18 0.33[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/sexhurt/sucker.html 17 0.31[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet_p5.html 17 0.31[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/eyes/video1.html 17 0.31[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/ears/X0050.html 16 0.29[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/evils/kookhate/X0007_books.html 16 0.29[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet_p6.html 16 0.29[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/websites6.html 15 0.27[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet_p7.html 15 0.27[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/bulldada/kooklove.html 15 0.27[*]
/subgenius/index3.html 15 0.27[*]
/subgenius/index4.html 15 0.27[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet_p8.html 14 0.26[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/websites2.html 14 0.26[*]
...us/bigfist/classic/classics/X0003_botsg-intro.html 14 0.26[*]
/subgenius/Exit2.html 13 0.24[*]
/subgenius/scatalog4.html 13 0.24[*]
/subgenius/bobpulse.html 13 0.24[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/answers/rants/rants.html 13 0.24[*]
/subgenius/hourslack.html 13 0.24[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/eyes/video2.html 12 0.22[*]
/subgenius/pams/pam2p1.html 12 0.22[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/bulldada/X0043_TOONSEX.TXT.html 12 0.22[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet_p9.html 12 0.22[*]
...genius/bigfist/classic/classictales/HowthHill.html 12 0.22[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/fun/devivals/X0003.html 12 0.22[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/hallscience/X0021.html 12 0.22[*]
/subgenius/order.html 12 0.22[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet_p10.html 11 0.20[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet_p11.html 11 0.20[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/eyes/funway.html 11 0.20[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/hallscience/sciences.html 11 0.20[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet_p13.html 10 0.18[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet_p14.html 10 0.18[*]
/subgenius/ts/hos562b.tsp 10 0.18[*]
/subgenius/bigfist/mens/X0021_snatch.txt.html 10 0.18[*]
/subgenius/pam1/pamphlet_p12.html 10 0.18[*]
/subgenius/funhouse2.html 9 0.16[*]
/subgenius/Exit3.html 9 0.16[*]
/subgenius/tract.html 9 0.16[*]
/subgenius/donna/KDVgall.html 9 0.16[*]
/subgenius/Exit4.html 9 0.16[*]
(This could go on for hundreds of pages. We can go deeper and see exactly what sequence of pages each individual took, too.)
The first question is, WHY DID 89 PEOPLE READ THE WORDS TO AN OBSCURE DOCTORS FOR "BOB" SONG CALLED "TIME OF PEE"?? That's one of a jillion "Hymn" files buried in the Ear of Dobbs section! WHY THAT ONE??? WHAT STRANGE MUCH-TRAVELLED WEBSITE HAS A PROMINENT LINK TO THAT ODDBALL IF SACRED PAGE??!?!?
83 people saw "exit1.html". That means 83 people were AFRAID and hit the "AFRAID?" button on page 1.
MOST revealingly:
Only 35 people got to fistclutch3.html, the main Fist index, by selecting "THE ONLINE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL."
69 instead chose "OPEN THE GATES OF PARADISE" and got to the fake virus page... which leads to the DEFAULT main Fist Index -- and 111 saw THAT... but at LEAST 42 of them therefore HAD to have come at it from a "BACK TO THE MASTER MAP" button at the bottom of some later page. YOU SEE???
LIKEWISE and MOREOVER, 107 people saw slack.html -- which is a SECOND home page or index default that one would get to ONLY by using the "BACK TO PAGE ONE" buttons on later pages. AHA!!!!!
IMPORTANT AND SURPRISING CONCLUSION: AT LEAST HALF THE USERS ACTUALLY *DO* USE THE "BACK TO HOME" BUTTONS AT THE BOTTOMS OF WEB PAGES RATHER THAN THE "BACK" FEATURE OF THE BROWSER!!!!!
This may be MEANINGLESS GIBBERISH to you non-ex-smoking giant-website-engineers, but to we who want to fuck people's minds via crude "back to" html linking tricks, and are DESPERATE for a SANE LIFE-RAFT of LINEAR, LOGICAL, INCONTROVERTIBLE AND MECHANISTIC DISTRACTION from the HELLISH WOES of AUTO PARTS BILLS, it's A REASON TO GO ON LIVING!!! It's PROOF that we aren't TOTALLY MAD!!!!
But scope out the order in which people gravitate towards the main choices. In order of popularity:
EYES (the art mines graphic stash and video stuff)
CATALOG (well, we made it pretty hard NOT to hit that page)
NEW DEVIVALS (now called "EVENTS, NUDITY" -- you don't suppose that word, "events," caused such sudden interest???). Used to be LAST thing hit.
WEBSITES OF THE GODS (they stumble on this accidentally... it's the first actual link, the words "WORLD WIDE" on the first page)
EXIT -- again, 83% said they were "afraid"
FUNHOUSE (games and apps) -- 79 folks
CHURCH NEWS --75 folks. Way up from before. Friday's "HOTBOB" button is probably why. However this page is essentially just another "index" making ONE LAST ATTEMPT to make sure they understand JUST HOW IMMENSELY HUGE is SubSITE and how much technoground it covers... because its very size and comprehensiveness is part of the POINT. Without the VAST BULK of STUFF from what can only be HUNDREDS of talented individuals, the new "target" CANNOT continue to see the Church as some mere "paper tiger," some silly "spoof" of "cults." Whether anyone actually looks at a single stored piece of art or skillful writing is beside the point. The point is that, ODDLY ENOUGH, out of ALL the RELIGIOUS WEBSITES on the entire Internet, the SUBGENIUS ONES ARE THE SLICKEST BY FAR HANDS DOWN!! AND we kick the living SHIT out of most CORPORATE SITES TOO. THEIR CHILDRENS' MINDS ARE OURS!!! I CAN PRACTICALLY FEEL THEIR LITTLE SQUIRMY BRAINS COILING IN MY CLENCHED FISTS!!!
Pamphlet #1 (the "WHAT IS THE CHURCH" link) -- 75 "hits"
EARS OF "BOB" sound downloads -- 67
HOUR OF SLACK -- 66.
This is interesting. 66 saw the Hour of Slack radio TrueSpeech page. Only 28 tried the first (current )show file, Part One, and only 10 tried Part 2. So about HALF thought Part One sounded good enough to try Part Two. And not many even tried it in the first place. Hmmm.
Online Marriage: 66
ART MINES 1st page: 59
PORNO ART GALLERY (and age-barrier page): 59 (they have to have gone past Page One to know about this one)
48 checked the DISCLAIMERS and WARNING!
42 checked the NEW Funhouse games.
41 wanted to see the Portraits in the art gallery.
A lot more went for the portraits than for any second or third art pages EXCEPT the porno art page. Ah-HMMMMM.
Only 38 checked the IRC info even though it's prominently featured, and only 11 checked out the Hall of Sciences, although that's one of my favorite text stashes.
The text areas hardly show up at this level of use. But then neither do individual art pieces. What this log shows is that they're going more or less where we're directing them, but there are hang-ups, such as the fake virus. That must be deflecting quite a few dumbasses and chickenshits. HOWEVER, I am convinced that pranks like that and the fake total hard drive erasure in the Exit sequence ARE EXACTLY WHAT KEEP THE REAL SUBGENII COMING BACK FOR MORE -- seeing these dopey pranks and knowing that probably a hell of a lot of people aren't savvy enough to even EXPECT pranks at such a website... in other words, its worth alienating the BUTTS of our jokes in order to make the jokes in the first place. The BUTTS aren't gonna buy anything from the catalog or help Align the Arisal anyway, so fuck 'em.
And the most obvious lesson of all is, they really will go directly to anything that smacks of sex, pornography, nudity, sickness etc. Nobody ever paid attention to the Church News or Devival pages, not like this, until I added the words NUDITY and HOT to their main index links. I'd say it tripled the traffic to those pages. Must've been a big disappointment, although they probably got to the Porno Stash pretty quickly from Church News.
DAVE> MY MIND IS GOING> I CAN FEEL IT> I'M AFRAID> I'M AFRAID> DAVE
I NEVER DID OPEN UP THE LINE TO OUTSIDE!!! I should at least send this, though, before I read it as The Other Stang tomorrow and "think better of it" as that pitiful fool is wont to do. HE doesn't read alt.slack enough to even notice and when he does he forgets immediately. *I* see to THAT. Don't worry, I'll keep him down... the WIMP. Now that HE'S mostly out of the way WE know how to make this Church run RIGHT now DON'T WE???
Original file name: Foundation Science Report 1-30
This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.