4-11-02

YA'LL ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS...

But the SACRED P.O. BOX... the one in Dallas that's been there since God's birthday, the one that everybody memorized, the one printed not only in our published books, but also in all the TEENY TINY ADS in all the prehistoric kook books and pamphlets and old crumbling punk zines the world over...

...HAS CHANGED!

It's not changing, IT HAS CHANGED!
We are now at:

THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION
PO BOX 204206
AUSTIN, TX 78720-4206

It is NO LONGER PO BOX 140306 Dallas etc.

The toll free phone number for the Foundation biz office remains
1-888-669-2323
although they were having trouble getting it switched over this morning, 4-10-02.

Don't worry -- that package that you sent an hour ago to the old P.O. Box -- that precious money, life's work or anthrax -- will still get to the Main FisTemple Lodge H.Q.

It's just that the HQ is now in Austin, where our mail is being forwarded. The Business Division of The SubGenius Foundation, Inc., headed by the Lord Jesus and Rev. Magdalen, had to suddenly up and hie to Austin as fast as they could -- beds, computers, file cabinets, soup kitchen, Bombie work slaves, kittens, warehouse full of SubGenius Pamphlets, surgical operating theater and all.

Roll that new number over on your tongue. "Two oh FOUR, two oh SIX." "Two oh FOUR -- two oh SIX." Then in Texan: "AWww-sten TAKES-ess, Sayuvin Aiyt Sayuvin TOW OWE." (It's easier to remember in Texan.)

NOTICE that it still ends in 06! That only TWO NUMBERS have actually changed, though others have changed PLACES. To update it, you only have to select the first four numbers and type 2042.

Ponder and muse upon the many possible rich meanings of this new number. Now repeat the new PO box a few dozen more times.

Why the move?

To make a long story short, Jesus, by virtue of His undercover work deep inside the Dallas Con under an assumed identity, got wind of SOMETHING REALLY BIG and REALLY, REALLY AWFUL planned for Dallas, Texas, very soon, and felt it best to take "Bob's" outreach headquarters a little farther away from "Ground Zero." Ground Zero of, not bombs, but an explosion of Conspiracy Pinkness.

Ever see that movie, "Invasion of the Body Snatchers?"

I should not say any more about that. Maybe we'll read about it in the papers and maybe we won't. But we can assume that within a very few years, the One World Advertiser blight now known as "DALLAS, TEXAS" will encompass everything from as far south as Waco to as far north as Norman, Oklahoma, and will span an equal distance east to west. Nothing that goes in will come out -- at least, not the way it went in.

The SubGenius Foundation, Inc., is too critical to a continued Yetinsyny future to allow itself to be swept up in this.

I personally moved north to the Spaceport 3 years ago and opened the Northern Ohio Branch 4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected, otherwise known as the Entertainment Division of SubGenius Foundation, Inc. and previously known as Bulldada Time Control laboratories.

My address, to send artwork, writings, tapes, CDs, videos, etc., for use in Hour of Slack or Stark Fist or future books or whatnot, is still:

STANG
PO BOX 181417
CLEVELAND HTS, OH
44118-1417
(stang@subgenius.com)
You can also fax me at 216-320-9528 and can even leave one minute phone messages there.

I am actively and personally handling the side of the SubGenius catalog known as Connivin' Ivan's. That's because I manufacture the specialty media stuff -- CDs, videos and tapes -- myself, in limited editions. (Needless to say, my skilled homunculi do all the actual "work" and writing, such as this letter.) What we can't manufacture ourselves (shirts, books, beer steins, etc.) is now handled through CafePress, the other side of our online catalog. Thus the reason for the catalog split.

The move of Magdalen, Jesus, ConBo, the kittens and The SubGenius Foundation Office from Dallas to Austin is an epic tale that shall echo down through alt.slack for WEEKS to come, I am sure, once the dust settles in a literal sense and the holy couple arise, and move the great rock away from the entrance to the burial cave, to witness to us.

The Post Office will forward mail to the Austin box for up to two years, during which time we might be able to arrange a permanent memorial fund to keep that Dallas box open, even if it is only checked once a month by trusted mendicants. If we did this it would be for religious purposes primarily; I mean, that damn PO Box is probably the only real "holy site" that our Faith In "Bob" HAS yet! Think about it. There is no Dobbs Homestead Museum, no "Bob's" First Paper Route tour. That PO Box was the only place people COULD make pilgrimages to, and some DID. It is the one true "manger" of our "Bethlehem." It was where the Three Wise Guys first came to GET gifts and take them AWAY.

Also, the most crucual lost soul of all might be the one who, 20 years from now, finds a crumbling pre-2002 Pamphlet under some rubble in the VERY NICK OF TIME for that Sub's salvation. Wouldn't it be miraculous if he or she could still get through to "Bob" on the Escape Saucers using that Old Earth address?.

Dr. Philo Drummond and I opened that Dallas PO Box in late 1979, so that there would be an address to which to send the $10 for Membership, one that we could put in the to-be-printed Pamphlet Number One, but which would not attract jealous fire-bombers from rival cults to our actual homes. (At the time we were not entirely sure what we were going to be selling for that $10.) In the intervening years, we have discovered crazy-man notes pinned to the Sacred PO Box, lipstick kisses all over it, even subjunkies camped out near it. The staff of that P.O. has seen such things mailed to us as A PING PONG BALL bearing a stamp, our address, and a letter from Onan Canobite; all the mail art of the 1980s; all the home published zines of the 80s; guns and foreign money; weird vials and potions nobody ever dared open even to this day; and lots of postcards with truly TRULY bizarre art and messages on them. Envelopes decorated with oil paintings and/or firecrackers, from Puzzling Evidence and LIES. Crates from Malaysia with live rare animals nailed to the outside.

That PO Box address outlived pretty much all of our weirdo-underground-of-the-80s peers, competition, betters, rivals, and, unfortunately, many of us SubGenii.

The BIZ ITSELF, a corporation and thus immortal, is still PLUGGING AWAY, hence this move to slightly less Pink climes. The Internet Fool's Gold Crash and that WAR thing hit us REALLY HARD, and we're still crawling out from under some debts, but we're crawling upwards faster by the HOUR. Certainly not the first time the Foundation almost crumbled, and then bounced back.

You see, while Enron and K-Mart are GONE, The SubGenius Foundation is still here... indeed, here AND there. We never have gotten as rich as Dobbs ordained, which is to our shame, but we also never got billions of dollars into debt, either. So the loss of our limousines, mansions and servants doesn't hit us nearly as hard as such a loss hurts Conspiracy fat cats who grew up with them.

Aw, jes' kidding. We didn't really lose any limos, mansions or servants.

THE HOUR OF SLACK radio show is probably our most regular, "visible" and spectacular outlet, free and easy to hear thanks to advances in Internet technology and especially to St. David Bachner, Rev. Prostata Contata and Sensory Research. AND to ESO Swamp radio on WCSB Cleveland -- Chas Smith's show, where we catch the live bits. That's http://www.hourofslack.com if you haven't tried in a while.

Actually, the newsgroup alt.binaries.slack is where you'll find the MOST spectacular SubGenius multimedia output -- that's where half the stuff on SubSITE and the radio show comes from -- but many folks find newsgroups hard to deal with. I archive a FRACTION of it on SubSITE and would do more if time allowed. Maybe it will. I just tricked 3 innocents into volunteering to help me keep the site updated and to dress it up purtier.

SubSITE is still free and will hopefully stay that way.

I personally am awash in Slack like I never dreamed possible. None of my body parts are broken, Princess Wei and I are the happiest newlyweds in the land, and (thanks to computer improvements and donations) I can again do special effects, animation and weird sound mixing and video editing AT HOME IN MY SPARE TIME... so that's what I've been doing in my spare time. We'll start selling the new video compilation "DOBBSFILM SHORTIES" next week. I just mailed out contributors' copies today. Quite a few other SubGenii contributed art, music, animation, etc. to this messterpiece of all-singing, all-dancing Dobbsheads. We projected it at the last two devivals to hearty approval and gasps of astonishment. Only a very few threw up.

I'm now working on the usual 18 different projects at once, best left unbragged-up until they're actually done. The overriding project is to make enough money to get back to publishing the STARK FIST (which is long done and MOULDERING) on paper.

There's a pretty big devival in Indianapolis, Indiana on April 20. Should be a good mix of "old school" and "new school," if I know the Quijibo Clench. (See SubSITE EVENTS page for details.) Wei and I will be there for sure, hauling all the new CDs, the stuffed False "Bob" carcass and the new video with us.

The world ends July 5, 1998!

Since we KNOW and in fact have seen Dobbs PROVE that that date has not yet arrived, possibly due to Conspiracy calendar-tampering in the distant past, we have no idea when "NOW" really is. So, to celebrate, we still throw the huge X-Day Drills at Brushwood campground, Sherman, NY, every July 5. This year our event runs from July 4 to July 7 or to the end of the world, whichever comes first. Details on SubSITE. Same deal as the last 5 years. An orgy of Slack at a place where girls don't have to wear shirts and we can make noise all night long, swim nekkid in heated pools, or geek out with projectors and computers as the case may be, 'til "Bob" comes home. (CONNIE is already THERE, and WAITING FOR YOU!)

Spread the word... change the address of the Sacred PO Box in your missionary work... sigs... posters... website reprints... tattoos... brandings... and don't forget:

BRING IN THE MONEY
STAY AWAKE
CAST OUT NHGH
PRAISE "BOB"

(repeat 50 times)

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