I hate that damned Ortho commercial about how pernicious the weeds are and how you have to use THEIR goddamned product to keep it looking kissing sweet or you're a failure and all your goddamned Pink neighbors won't approve, making you the neighborhood pariah.
I say FUCK THAT! *FUCK* YOUR YARD!!! FUCK *ALL* YARDWORK!!!! I say you douse the sonuvabitch in KEROSENE on a Saturday so everyone will get a good look and TORCH THE BASTARD!!!! TORCH it and sit on the goddamned PORCH with a 12-pack of RED DOGS!!!
WAVE insanely at the fucking neighbors through the flames!!! Stand on yer chair and wave at the BUS as IT goes by!!! GRIN AS BIG AS YOU CAN!!! Show lotsa TEETH!!! Spew fluids!!! Add more kerosene to the pyre when it starts to die down!!! Throw firecrackers into the flames when people try to use fire extinguishers on it!!
SMILE and yell "Howyadoin', you Pink fuckers! How the fuck do you like THAT weed control???!! FUCK the property owners association!! FUCK their fuckin' RULES!!! FUCK THEIR FEES!!! Fuck YOU!! Howyadoin', you nosy puckerbutt ASSholes!! NO MORE CRABGRASS!! No more fuckin' MOWING every other goddamned week!!!! No more cocksuckin' WEED EATIN'!!! Goddamn ALL your fuckin' asses!!! Keep that friggin' hose on YOUR property or I'll KILL YOU!!! I have a GUN, GODDAMNIT!!! Its MY yard and I'll weed it the way *I* fuckin' WANT TO!!!! I don't give a good goddamn if the whole BLOCK goes up!!! Those weeds have to DIE and so do YOU if you FUCK WITH MY YARD!!!!! Yo quiero ARMAGEDDON, you asswipe BASTARDS!!! 'Bob' TOLD me I could torch it, so FUCK THE LIVIN' HELL OUTTA *YOU*!!! Heads UP, skunk bait!!! Have a charcoal briquet, you dickless wonder!!! Howyadoin' ya cunt-lappin' shitheels!?!?!?? THIS for your goddamn granny!!! GODDAMN YA!!! EVEN YOUR CRAPPIN' DOGS!!! Gotta burn off those TURDS!!! Throw yer goddamned CAT in here!! Goddamn you ALL!!! Howyadoin' shitface?!?!! Keep your goddamn ass OFFA MY PROPERTY!!!! Have a beer!!! GodDAMN ya!!!"
Keep it up until the sheer horror of it all makes everyone puke. Don't forget to do the sides and the backyard as well. Rave like its your last day on Earth and you wanna leave a lasting impression. Make the TV news crews show up. Really put your back into the effort. Make sure the whole thing is a wretched, gagsome, smoking ruin before you let ANYBODY near the property, including the Fire Department OR the cops. Die if necessary, but *TORCH* *IT* *ALL*!!!!!!!
Then get on-camera as they haul you away and say you spilled some Ortho weed killer on your pants, which MADE you do it. Christ, but I hate yardwork. Goddamned PINKS!!
HellPope Huey
"HELP!! The pills are wearing off!!!!"
Original file name: FUCK YOUR YARD!!!
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