TOLD YOU SO!!!SubGenius PreMillennial Y2K De-Bugging Tour and Apostolic Hierarchite Conclave a RESOUNDING SUCCESS!
From: Rev. Stang
Jan. 2, 2000 (0 B.X.)
TOLD YOU SO!!!
Just as J.R. "Bob" Dobbs had predicted all along, the so-called Y2K "bug" (which is not even MENTIONED in THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS Dateline for Dominance) did NOTHING! PROOF that only fools, charlatans and Pink Boys would make prognostications that they can't BACK UP!
Princess Wei and I stayed inside the Pleasure Palace's InfoComManD Module throughout the New Milliennium Night, channel surfing. Not that we were AFRAID of GOING OUT or anything. We spent the actual New Age Moment with Pharaoh Bill Clinton and his perfect Classic Nuclear Family, via CBS and their all-seeing eye logo, which was superimposed over the FLAMING PYRAMID atop the Washington Penis, framed over the First Family's shoulder at the end of "Auld Ang Syne" and the most well-timed, Leni Reifenshtahlian dolly tracking shot I've ever seen on national propaganda TV. Heck, the Clintons even had Credence Clearwater Revival AND U-2 -- proving they're "cool" to red-collarers in their dotage, and Dumbass Youth alike! The Conspiracy surely let us all know that night just WHO IS IN CONTROL for the rest of eternity...
...THEY THINK!!
We weren't fooled. We were watching the live countdown when Chicago was nuked at midnight CST, and that whole part of the Midwest went off the air (forever). We watched Their clumsy cut-aways to the unprepared Cleveland local newscaster pinkies, who valiantly did their best to cover up the disaster by showing hour-old footage of Times Square and boring pictures of Denver rock concerts. It took them 20 minutes to prepare that computer-generated fake Chicago New Years footage. And the news media is STILL trying to act like Chicago is still there. They even have robots mimicing the email of now-dead Chi-town SubGeniuses. The Conspiracy's "CounterConspiracy" will have to reveal what happened sooner or later. But perhaps something far worse than any "Y2K bug" is up Their sleeves, and they want to keep us sedate for just a few more days or weeks.
WE KNOW WHY THE CONSPIRACY IS WORRIED!! THE RUPSTURES COULD HAPPEN AT ANY SECOND! From now till 2001, DON'T LET GO OF YOUR SUBGENIUS MINISTER'S CARD/SAUCER-TICKET FOR EVEN A SECOND, NOT EVEN IN THE SHOWER!! (If you're the kind of SubGenius who takes showers.) And live EVERY SINGLE MOMENT as if it were either the LAST moment of your life, or else as if you have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. ONE AND/OR THE OTHER! And never cease for an INSTANT muttering "Praise"Bob"Praise"Bob"Praise"Bob" under your breath.
PURGE ALL FALSE CONSCIOUSNESS! PEEL BACK YOUR SLACK GLAND AND BARE IT TO THE UNIVERSE!
OUT WITH THE OLD BABYLON -- IN WITH THE NEW!!
Chelsea -- SHOW US YOUR TITS!!!
12-31-99 Stang New Years Eve Report and PEP RANT
Boy howdy, did I have a MERRY XXXMAS! For me it was the most hopeful possible omen for the New Millionnium... a SURE SIGN that THIS century, we're BOUND to make that million bucks "Bob" promised, hopefully before the Xists take us off-planet!
SEE THE PHOTOS OF OUR PREMILLENNIAL Y2K WORLD TOUR AND CHURCH APOSTOLIC HIERARCHITE CONCLAVE
IMPORTANT XXX-DAY WARNING!
Although we tend to still fondly cling to the date July 5, 2000 as the exact moment of the upcoming Rupsture, it is not actually doctrinal. THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS does indeed specify in small print that "The Xists LEAVE" in the year 2000 -- BUT IT DOES NOT SAY WHEN! It may be our mere-Sub conceit that makes us expect that the Xists will leave exactly 2 years after their secret 7-5-98 arrival, but why should they honor our ideas of anniversaries? Their gas-giant planet has a year that 40,000 of our years long!
The point is, THE RUPSTURES COULD HAPPEN AT ANY SECOND between 2000 and 2001. Oh, we'll still hold an X-Day Event at Brushwood (the weekend just BEFORE July 5), but to be honest, that's mainly so that the laidless can get laid, and the Foundation can make money. Most discerning, BOOK-examining SubGenii know that Dobbs and the Xists are no longer to be held to silly time-clocks or Gregorean dating systems. TIME CONTROL has opened up to them a vast new vista of opportunities -- opportunities to SAVE A BUTTLOAD MORE SOULS BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
So KEEP THAT MEMBERSHIP RECRUITMENT DRIVE GOING! Remember, it's as if YOU get to decide who goes on Noah's Ark and who doesn't! If you don't want that Pink asshole boss to survive the coming tribulations, then simply DON'T BUY HIM A GIFT MEMBERSHIP like the ones you'd buy this year for all your unsaved best friends and beloved family members. The Xists could arrive ANY SECOND "like a thief in the night." JESUS already DID, and the PinChristians didn't even NOTICE. You don't want to end up like THEM, THAT's for SURE. And you don't want to have to wave goodbye to your sweet old MA as you ascend in your Saucer, watching her being ripped limb from limb by the RoboBeasts. SLACK OFF -- But DON'T Slack Off on your SOUL SAVING! Every single SubGenius soul is precious, and every single $30 check to The SubGenius Foundation, PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214, is even more precious... to "Bob." You're either on the Saucers, or you're OFF the Saucers. Some people can't make that decision for themselves -- YOU may have to make it for them. Friends don't let friends NOT be SubGenius Ministers.
Just a reminder. Can't be said enough. As you can tell, your old prayer partner and Sacred Scribe Rev. Ivan Stang has never been in a merrier spirit. And it's about time. 1999 was a rough year for old Stanky. I like surprises, normally. But this year brought about 3 too many.
Nonetheless, rather than attempting to fight Fate, or even to divert the outrageous slings and arrows, I bent like an old limp dick in the wind, sought the Path of Least Resistance, and by golly-Gobbs-a-gushin', "BOB'S" PROMISE RINGS TRUE!!
I SURE AM GLAD I DIDN'T BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT THAT ONE TIME! Friends, no matter how god damned BAD things get, remember, blowing out your own fucking brains is NOT on the Path of Least Resistance. That's ALL THE WAY *OFF* THE PATH, FOR GOOD. Sure, you're miserable and life is BARELY tolerable. BUT! As long as there is that slightest barest smidgin of Slack -- even just the KNOWLEDGE that Slack MIGHT yet exist, SOMEWHERE -- THAT ALONE is reason enough to stay on the Path, and keep suffering, rather than copping out completely. Because that tiny Slack-smudge-smidgin is YOUR PERSONAL "HINT" sent to you DIRECT FROM YACATIZMA CENTRAL -- "bait," if you will, to keep you sniffing around that hook until you finally GIVE UP and quit resisting and BITE! -- and let "Bob" yank you up into his frying pan.
If you MUST DIE, let "BOB" kill you. DON'T TRY TO DO IT YOURSELF!!
Look at it this way -- if you've been such a terrible loser thus far, then that's a good indication that killing yourself is ALSO just another of your STUPID MISTAKES. That's when you have to throw up your arms in TRUE resignation, and just let the DOBBS ESSENCE sweep you along. "INVOLUNTARY SLACK" is another term for it. GIVE UP on what you were EXPECTING -- "happiness" -- and just WAIT AND SEE WHAT "BOB" delivers instead. "BOB'S" HAPPINESS MIGHT BE MUCH HAPPIER THAN THE "HAPPINESS" that you had planned for yourself.
Next time you feel like suicidal crap warmed over, try to remember: "NOBODY'S PERFECT." Least of all that asshole that was making you feel like shit. Sure, you're a fuck-up. As that great ESO devival sing-along goes, "US AND ALL OUR FRIENDS ARE SO FUCKED UP." That simply makes you more like "Bob," who is the BIGGEST fuck-up of them all. But he's the LUCKIEST fuck-up. Hitch your wagon of fucked-upedness to "Bob"! REINFORCE and REAFIRM that $30 commitment, that "bridle" -- and ROCKET AWAY! Just don't drag your feet, if you can't help push. And remember the first of "BOB'S" FIVE KEYS TO MAGIC: GET OFF YOUR ASS! (Also pay special attention to the 5th Key.)
That's a New Thousand Year Resolution for you.
"Y2K Kit" by Dr. Lizzardo
*****
Someone else belongs to someone else now, I guess. But I still have my kids, and parents, and Jesus, and friends, and even NEW "in-laws," and for the last 3 weeks, Princess Wei and I have been VISITING them! VISITING and VACATIONING! AND ACCRUING XXXMAS PRESENTS!
PRESENTS!
PRESENTS!!
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!
*MY XXXMAS PRESENT BRAG-LIST*
(inspired by Non-Reverend Jamie Whartenby's show-offy list)
SEE THE PHOTOS AND COVET
I got:
A trip to San Francisco with Princess Wei and the Empress Dowager of ALL Women's Conspiracies
To "do SHOW" with Puzzling Evidence on KPFA Berkeley just like in the Day!
To hang with Philo just like in the Day!
To attend the MILLENIAL SUMMIT and CONCLAVE of the Western Hierarchy including St. Palmer Vreedeez, Dr. Philo Drummond, Puzzling Evidence, Dr. Howll, Gary G'Broagfran, and even "MIMI"!
To see a SECRET PREMIERE of Ron Mann's new documentary about marijuana illegalization, art directed by Paul Mavrides, which is ASTONO-HILARIOUS!
I got Rev. Susie the Floozie's "Y2K-Xmas show" from WREK AND did ESO Radio 12-31-99 show just in time for HoS-716!
Mark Mothersbaugh's new Christmas CD (with "fuzzy-print" cover!) The Flyin' Ryan Brother's new guitar-fest CD!
Cruisin' with the Doe sib and sin-in-law!
A trip to Dallas for We/I!
To hang with Jesus!
Good news from Jesus about the Church business!
To hang with my Folks and Sibs on the "ranch"!
Good news about their health!
To cruise with my Kids in the "hood"!
Good news about their tuitions!
To see a SECRET PREMIERE of my kids' films, art and computer animation!
Frop! Pajamas! A Sweatsuit! A NEW BRIEFCASE!
THREE Friday Jones Killer-Pleasure-Death-Paks! Gross-out toys, Food Food Food, books, tapes, DNA samples from exotic animalsd and plants, SECRET INGREDIENTS!! Disgusting comic books! A chocolate orange! A bug porn spider mobile! A 3-eyed wrist-fly that spits! PORN! A Nunzilla toy! A vibrating gerbil! MORE frop! TWO gloopy eyeball-cluster bladders! TONS of CANDY! MORE frop! My first dreidel! "Termite Zone" video! "Time-Life Animal Oddities" video! Tentacloid! Farewell, Good Brothers! 3D Eye-Earth puzzle! Portal of Mystery keychain! Princess Wei flashing Bracelet! Chocolate covered Fruit Whorls! Crazy little pogo brush! A lacquered goldfish stone in a fancy basket! Joe Bender refrigerator art magnets! A Silly-Slammer (Buckley) that says "WHY ME?"! A Chocolate Stuffed Triceratops! MC Escher puzzle art! Richard Pryor art! (OTHER Richard Pryor) A giant paper Sun! A giant paper Star! "Bill, the Galactic Hero"! A wooden fish pen! Passion fruit jam! Small Soldiers inkstamp mutant. A silver picture frame box with a picture of Friday already in it! Bath soaps! A pocket telescope! A Sacred Hellraiser-Type Box that you hide your weed in! A bag of Santa's Coal Bubble Gum! Two rubber dinosaur skeletons! A picture of Sivet and Randy! A lizard puzzle! A giant box of "Texas Hot Sauces"! "BONE SUCKING HOT SAUCE!" A magic Crystal Covered Candle Holder!
Best of all, Princess Wei met her new "Ma" and "Pa" and her two new step-college-students and their longdursweeties, and EVERYBODY WHOLEHEARTEDLY "APPROVED" OF EVERYBODY, AND THERE WAS NO TENSION!! ONLY SLACK! PRAISE "BOB" AND HAIL CONNIE!
Happy New Old Age to All.
****