The Cult Next Door

Date: Tue, 31 Mar 1998

About 9:30 this morning, I was reading the paper. Down there at the bottom
of page 2 of the LOCAL news section, it said that Teacher Chen and his
God's Salvation Church cult STILL expected God to arrive, TODAY, and at 10
a.m. -- IN HALF AN HOUR!!! Right over there on Ridgeway Drive, over off
Kingsley! I thought, "SHIT! I knwo the cops won't let me get close, but I
GOTTA drive over there and see God! The dogs will just have to WAIT to
SHIT." And I went to jump in the car and drive over there to see God, but
then I remembered, I HAVE NO CAR! And it's too far to walk, even to see
God.

So I sat down to finish the article. Turns out that they KNEW ALL ALONG
that God wasn't gonna appear on Channel 18 the other night -- that was just
a p.r. stunt or something. But he WOULD BE THERE TODAY!! However, they
mentioned, he would look exactly like Teacher Chen, and only those with
true God consciousness would be able to see him.

I turned on the TV and scanned the local channels, expecting at least ONE
of the bunch of vultures to have a live crew on the scene, to humiliate the
cultists in the unspoken names of Christ and normality and Noah's Ark's
triumph over silly legends, BUT THE FUCKING LOCAL TV STATIONS WOULDN'T EVEN
GET OFF THEIR ASSES TO GO SHOOT GOD!!

But then, I could have biked over there, I suppose. I have declared "War on
God," after all. In fact, it isn't like He's suddenly gonna split and move
to Taiwan. I could drive there next time I have a car and say, "GOD??? Come
on out, let's You and me duke it out MANO A MANO, just the two of us! Spare
the armies of Good and Evil battling it out, spare the lives of millions,
maybe even BILLIONS!! If I kick Your ass, You swear to shut down ALL
RELIGIONS that focus on GOD. You kick my ass, I'll shut down the ones that
focus on "Bob." WHADDYA SAY, "OH MIGHTY FATHER IN HEAVEN?!?!? And TAKE OFF
THAT STUPID HAT when I'm talkin' to you!"

And then I could KICK THE SHIT out of the frail old Dude, until the other
frail old dudes around him KILLED ME INSTANTLY with their incredible
Oriental martial arts skills. If God didn't kill me first, with His.

Ah, fuck it.

Let God have His little final moment in the sun. Only 97 days to X-Day.

--
Copyright 1998 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Felix The Cat <felixxx@goodnet.com>

Someone send Chen some email telling him that God was
already on T.V. and that the new date is July 5th, 1998 at
7:00am.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: NoEmail@newsguy.com (Fernandinande Le Mur)
Date: Thu, 02 Apr 1998 03:27:05 GMT
Organization: Ministry of Dobbsheads

On Tue, 31 Mar 1998 20:17:55 -0600, i.stang@subgenius.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
expounded:

->And then I could KICK THE SHIT out of the frail old Dude, until the other
->frail old dudes around him KILLED ME INSTANTLY with their incredible
->Oriental martial arts skills. If God didn't kill me first, with His.
->
->Ah, fuck it.

Did you mean "martial arts" or "marital arts" - I allus got those
two confused, and the "fuck it" threw me off.

->
->Let God have His little final moment in the sun. Only 97 days to X-Day.

Who's was supposed to be His sponsor?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: mitchell@Doesn't.Spam.Suck.interserv.com (Popess Lilith von Fraumench)

In article <35250569.77115344@enews.newsguy.com>, NoEmail wrote:

> On Tue, 31 Mar 1998 20:17:55 -0600, i.stang@subgenius.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
> expounded:
>
> ->
> ->Let God have His little final moment in the sun. Only 97 days to X-Day.
>
> Who's was supposed to be His sponsor?

The contract says Doxidan, Werther's, Depends, and Blue-Star Ointment.

P.Lil

Back to document index

Original file name: The Cult Next Door

This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.