By Gobbs, maybe There Is Slack after all!
This morning feels like a let-up of some kind. I had been developing a chest cold virus, but it seems to have vamoosed. I spent the weekend trying to keep my tongue from scraping against the knife edge of broken tooth, but yesterday the dentist plugged the hole and today, I CAN CHEW AGAIN!! My main VCR died in a power outage, but then came back to life a day later! I completely reflushed my computer's hard drive, TOTALLY, and now it's free of viruses and working FAST again (well, fast for an ancient, 3 year old 100 mh device).
Last night I had to make the most embarrassing phone call about that, the kind of call every SubGenius dreads ever having to make. Although I suppose some SubGeniuses PRAY for this kind of problem... anyway, I had to tell my wife that I had given her a virus that I'd picked up from another woman's slot. Not only that, but I had to tell ANOTHER another woman the SAME THING! See, when I left for Cleveland, my hard drive ("Muleskinner") was cleaner than clean -- it was completely DEAD and being replaced by a brand spanking untouched, uninitialized new one. But... in Cleveland, I... I pulled my Zip and shoved my disk into the slot of a beautiful woman's computer. I just couldn't help myself. But when I did that, it was as if I was putting my disk in every slot that every disk that had EVER been in HER slot, had been. All unknowing that behind my Zip I was now carrying the deadly "MBDF B" virus, a leprosy-like memory-eating monster, I went home to my wife and... well... I put my disease in her. Her Performa. Then I went to Boston for Friday Jones' big Last Devival, and I'm sure I don't need to tell any of YOU guys what happened there. Suffice it to say that if Friday's tight little almost-hairless slot didn't have micro-cooties already, it sure did by the time I got through with it.
Friday is probably in the process of calling up all her husbands and slaves now.
Look, on these road trips I can't hardly even REMEMBER what-all slots my disks end up getting into. For all I know, I may have transmitted "MBDF-B" to somebody reading this post. If you have had ANY cybercontact with this office, therefore (including video or audio tapes purchased or traded by mail, as well as radio broadcasts online or on-air), RUN YOUR VIRUS PROTECTION PROGRAM! (I use Disinfect on my Mac and it worked fine, but I had to run it on ALL my back-up Jazes and Syquests and Zips.) While you're at it, defragment it too. It's good for MORALE if nothing else. Makes you feel like a fresh breeze just blew through and CLEANED AWAY all the FILTH. I only wish I could do that to my own brain.
At any rate... this is the first time in WEEKS that I have been able to just sit and answer email and do newsgroup shit. Ahhhhh. It feels so good to just WASTE TIME AGAIN. No terrible deadline besides X-Day. I have been downloading and catagorizing alt.binaries.slack art, but I've only been READING it just enough to determine who did what art. I have another mighty mess collected, ready to upload to SubSITE and link into yet another Art Mines Tunnel. But I'm thinking that the whole Art Mines need to be totally renovated. I could probably throw out half the stuff in there, consolidate it more, and mainly just plain USE the stuff more elsewhere in the site! But that means I have to actually DO it. That's the part I hate. MUSING upon it all is SLACKFUL. It's in the DOING that everything starts getting fucked up...
And THANK GOD the SPATE OF MORNING TALK SHOWS seems to have ended, more or less. The ones yesterday were good... they let me and the anti-Bob spokesman, Kurt Kuersteiner, debate the "satire or cult" issue on this one talk station, for half an hour. I HATE having to get up before 9:30, though, just to save one or two more souls in some distant city. FUCK 'em. If they were too busy watching Seinfeld to wander through the bookstores and STUMBLE UPON THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS, then LET THEM FRY, SUBGENIUS OR NOT!!
I got a flier in the mail yesterday from The SubGenius Foundation, telling me that since I hadn't renewed or at least written back to say I was alive, I wasn't getting a Stark Fist! And sure enough, I DIDN'T get a Stark Fist. So, if it happens to you, DON'T FEEL SINGLED OUT. If you got 4 Fist's already, send in your $20 renewal $. If you only got one or two so far, drop Jesus a postcard and tell him you exist. Some of my best old pals got dropped from our mailing list because they assumed their old buddy ME was still running it, at a loss, when actually Jesus and Nickie now run it, at a profit.
SPEAKING OF MONEY -- and the STEVE JACKSON GAME --
They got the games in from the printer YESTERDAY. I haven't seen a copy yet myself. Attached (on a.b.s.) is a picture of the box cover, which was designed by the folks at SJG -- it wasn't ME that picked all Nenslo and Stang art for the box, I swear to god -- not that I argued with 'em. Anyway, the important thing is, we should be getting our "last half of the $" check soon, which means Jesus and I will be able to CUT those HUGE CHECKS to you alt.binaries.slakfux whose art was used, FINALLY.
I can't wait to see the printed cards, myself. They should be shipping us a boxcar-load, which we'll then have to ship out to the contributing artists.
Unfortunately, I haven't been NEAR any graphics programs since we finished the game art, and I'm DYING to monkey with all the shitloads of new software I've acquired along with all the new viruses. And now I'm free to make pictures WITHOUT DOBBS OR SAUCERS!!! BACK TO PORNOHEAD!!! Except that I have so much text and web and radio oriented work stacked up, SHEEE-IT!! Oh well... 53 more days and after that, I'll have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!!
Well anyway. I HAVE been faithfully grave-robbing alt.binaries.slack, even if ya'll never saw me skulking through. God DAMN, we gotta find a way to make a BUCK off all this INCREDIBLE STUFF. Seems like every rich kid on the block has a CD burner now... perhaps it's time for THE SUBGENIUS FULL COLOR ELECTRONIC DEVOTIONAL ART CD ROM. I could just dump SubSITE onto a CD ROM and it'd sorta be the same thing, plus an encyclopedia worth of text. Onliest problem is, the start-up $$. We're saving every penny for the X-Day blow-out.
Oh yes, we, too -- AS A CORPORATE ENTITY as well as as individuals -- will SPEND EVERY LAST CENT and MAX OUT EVERY CREDIT CARD and TOTAL EVERY CAR just before X-Day.
Well, I'm just slacking, blabbering and fropping. Time to post on, download on, html on. Recuperating. TRYING to recuperate. The Connietites are keeping me pretty well drained, boys. "Bob's" LOSING that battle. Connie is definitely winning. Praise "Bob" and Hail Connie.
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It's been so long since I posted anything, I'm just going through m' "to use on SubSITE" files looking for crap to show off just for yuks. However, if besides being amused by this photo, you ALSO kinda want to BUY one of these "Bob" night lights, they're $18 and made of stained glass, hand-soldered.
Dobbs literally guides our way around the hollow echoing halls of this huge mansion, thanks to these friendly glowing beaming Presences. Wards off evil spirits too.
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I just couldn't resist sharing this backstage snapshot. This is a candid photo of the members of the band Drs. 4 "Bob" celebrating their triumphant reunion at the March devival in Seattle, right after getting offstage. Sterno, Martin "Big Smoke" Pitts and Gene Splice/GordonX "git down" with Linda Pitts, "Wanda," P-Lil and Yvonne Stange.
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To set the story straight, I have been married for 24 years, and I never cheated on even ONE of those two dozen wives. Who makes the rules? Someone else. But when in Friday, do as the Romans do. So, in order to avoid any accusations of "adultery" that might later prevent our running for President, Church Secretary Jones and I never attempted intercourse without using a 4-foot-thick condom composed of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, the Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer, and a homeless OverMan that we picked up on the street. ALMOST beats a squirrel-filled pumpkin.
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Friday Counts Money After a Bout of Stump-Humping
Buxotic and bodacious IrRev. Friday Jones just can't stop herself when it comes to her two favorite temptations! She has to have more... and MORE... and MORE!! I'll bet there are one or two of you big bad SubGenius boys who can give her what she needs. And I'll bet you know just what "hole" to slip that "$30" into -- "BOB'S" hole! P.O. Hole # 140306, Dallas TX 75214!!
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Ooooh-la-LA! This is what preachin' is ALL ABOUT! Counting the money after a devival, while rolling around on a waterbed with the Nunsnake Prime, the Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer, and a giant tarantula!
Snapped by one of Friday's bodyguards in the hotel suite right after the Boston devival. Notice the bullwhip coiled around the Head. 'Nuff said...
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Boston Devival Frame Grabs
Praise MODEMAC for operating and GUARDING my Video 8 camera, perched on a tripod pointing at the stage of The Middle East club in Boston. That footage is our main documentation of this ASTOUNDING final devival. Producer Friday Jones even provided the foretold MIGHTY BUCKET OF PILS, seen here in its Dispensation as I toss 'em out to the needy crowd. Also visible is Dr. Ed Strange's massive Pulpit of carved wood, and King of Slack Bill T. Miller at his Living Keyboard.
In the background, you can see the wall hangings that Friday made for this show, using the BobCo Fonts printed on iron-on material and transfered to strips of cloth.
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Meyer's New Rant and New Book!
Pope David N. Meyer BOWLED 'EM OVER IN BOSTON with his first knock-down drag-out devival rant in years. His incredible rants can be heard on Hours of Slack 629 and 630.
Incidentally, Pope Meyer could have been hawking a new book of his own rather than THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS which he weilds in this video frame grab. Meyer's new book, A GIRL AND A GUN, has just been published and is in the film section of better bookstores everywhere. It's a DELIGHTFULLY MEYERIAN critique/analysis of the FILM NOIR genre, profusely illustrated with stills and posters, and adeptly disected by the piercing wit of the Pope. This book will be INVALUABLE on the Escape Vessells of the Sex Goddesses, when you'll be able to DO things like sit down and view EVERY FILM NOIR MOVIE EVER MADE while reading in detail about each one.
That's A GIRL AND A GUN by David N. Meyer II.
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The loathsome mug of Dr. K'taden Legume, preaching at the Last Devival in Boston, synchronistically matches the Legume Hieroglyph from the BobCo Legume Fonts by Atom Funway, iron-onned to the Church Devival Banner seen in the background. UNCANNY!
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Using Atom Funway's BobCo fonts, sheets of iron-on material, and her Macintosh and printer, IrRev. Friday Jones was able to make half a dozen Miracle Devival Banners from common household mummy wrappings. Each banner had a "theme"... for instance, the Vandewalker Profile Dobbshead in this example tops Dollar Signs, a Texas and other appropriate symbols, while the Legume-topped banner has more retarded and senseless symbols below it, as befits a Holocaustal "Volsung" redneck.
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Yours truly, preaching peace and love in Boston. I forgot my white preaching suit, and instead wore this Golfer's Kimono (it had little golf pictos on it) given me by Friday. I kind of like the extra cultish look that the kimono, plus my new devil beard, give me. Whatever draws the most flies to the tarbaby.
Thanks to Modemac for manning the video camera throughout the whole devival!
There are shitloads more cheesecake pics of Friday in the SubSITE Boston Devival report.
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Sassy n' sadistic IrRedhead Friday Jones cavorts shamelessly in a pile of money, body parts and mutant insects -- swag that SHE EARNED AT HOME IN HER SPARE TIME, SELLING HERSELF FOR "BOB"!!! And you can too -- if you're a mad super-genius with big tits, an unchained imagination, office skills, and a can-do, go-team attitude like Miss Jones!
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It's only a matter of time before every SubGenius idea that isn't nailed down, is STOLEN by the Conspiracy. This ad is a huge display at the Boston airport. It greeted Dr. Legume when he stepped off the plane.
GET THIS. Just yesterday my son was listening to THE EDGE 95 FM here in Dallas -- the so-called "alternative" station. You know, the one that plays 1989 M-TV Billy Idol hits combined with approved modern waif hits. Anyway, they now have an afternoon drive time show called...
THE HOUR OF SLACK.
And they have the nerve/ignorance to do that RIGHT HERE IN DALLAS.
Of course, they wouldn't be doing it if there hadn't already been a successful afternoon drive time show at a San Francisco rock station called HOUR OF SLACK for the last two years.
I've only been doing the SubGenius THE HOUR OF SLACK since 1985... but that was never heard at drive time, so I guess it doesn't count.
Actually, I stole the name THE HOUR OF SLACK from the long-gone Rev. Buck Naked's xeroxed newsletter. But then, Buck stole quite a bit of just plain old Slack from me, in the first place. Not that he MEANT to.
Original file name: Report to A.B.S.
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