BY JCOOKSON
Known and loved by the famous, infamous and thrill seekers, the Reverend Ivan
Stang heads the Church of the SubGenius, a quasi religious (more anti
organized-religion) religion, based in Dallas Texas. Church members and fans
adhere to the tenets of "Bob",the all powerful deity whose teachings have been
compiled by Stang in the Book of the SubGenius. Don't confuse them with
whacked out new age California style sects or, gasp, Scientology (see Stang's own
assessment of the Hubbard power grab). Their goal is not clarity in the
Aristotelian sense (how much do they differ with any religion in that way) in fact,
they seem to relish their wacky, irreverent and basically outta sight system of
communication. Their followers include a large number of intellectual celebrities
such as Ken Kesey, Tim Leary, and some of the boys from Devo. In addition to
compiling the SubGenius books (published by Fireside) Stang also is the director
of ARISE!, music videos for Devo, and is in the process of setting up his own web
site. As Jay Cookson, our interviewer put it, "Froptung! Pull down your pants and
continue cleaning your weapons, patriopsychotic space brothers and sisters,
moronsavants and unworthy feebs. REJOICULATE! but listen closely to the
salivating apocalips of the Almistermighty Mastorator H.M.S. Reverend Ivan
Stang. For those so ignorarrogant as to laugh mockingly, sneering askance from
their gilt straightjackets and fax machines at the true POWER and the GLORY of
the most benevilentiticidal Church of the SubGenius, I say it will be the Church
and it's Stark Fisted Fun-dementalists that will be left smiling! WATCH YOUR
BACK ON X-DAY! Everything is being recorded and will be held against you, so
let's begin!" In other words, if you get it, you get it; if not, hang on tight.
How are you feeling today, Reverend? I just got up. Go away and leave me
alone.
Are you currently taking any prescription medication? I'm a SubGenius
Doktor. Anything I decide to take is prescription medicine, from apples to Frop, to
driving nails into my head. Right now I'm just waiting for the blood pressure
medicine Calan to kick in so I'll stop hearing pigeons in my right ear.
What does it feel like to kill a Pink? So far, I have never had to kill anyone,
not even a human. I was the one who initiated that policy, so I never had to get
my hands dirty. So I can't answer that one. I can tell you how a Pink tastes.
Yesterday I had a Poebucker Girl Face sandwich, nice tender little buck-tooth,
stringy-blonde-haired, skinny Poebucker child. Just the face; I let Beast have
most of the rest. About the only thing better is a hot Reuben, or maybe a
SubGenius Grandma Face sandwich. But we try to save the Grandma Faces for St.
Janor Hypercleats-it's his recipe.
Well, how about a Normal? A Normal is the same as a Pink! Or a Mediocretin
or a Cage Boy-they're interchangeable derogatory terms. Haven't you been taking
your PreScriptures? Better bone up on Neuronicus 9:17, boy! I smashed a
chipmunk once with a big rock. It looked like a furry bug, but it squealed like a
pig. I filmed a guy stomping prairie dogs once, out on the Rosebud Reservation. It
was that Whiting boy. He'd lie in wait with his .22 and as soon as one of those
varmints would poke his little head up to bark, Whiting would shoot him. Usually
they'd fly up out of the hole and lay twitching on the ground. Then Whiting would
run up there, leap into the air, and come down boots-first in `em to put `em out of
their misery. I showed the footage once to a friend who was an animal lover, and
the guy has never spoken to me since. But this was in a part of the country where
prairie dogs are considered a nuisance, not an endangered species. Horses and
cows and Poebuckers get their feet stuck in the holes and break their legs. On the
other hand, if Whiting had been trying to do that with prairie squids, I would
have shot him. It's sickening what they do to prairie squids-everything but what
they're good for, which is lovin'. The Conspiracy kills `em, shaves `em, wraps `em
in cellophane and sticks `em in the meat section of the Piggly-Wiggly
supermarket. This is one reason the Church came into existence-to stop the
slaughter.
30 bucks could get me safe sex on Lake Street, a nickel bag and an
Italian beef sandwich! Why should I invest in the Church instead?
Depends on how hungry you are, more than anything else. If you're really
hungry, I'd definitely go for the Italian beef, and heck, you might as well throw in
the handjob and the nickel bag. (Except don't nickel bags go for like $45 now?)
Because after all, there's still three more years until X-Day. If you don't want to
be left planetside on X-Day, though, you're gonna have to spring for that $30
sooner or later. I would recommend sooner. The price jumped from $20 last
month, and by July 5, 1998, when people are bulldozing each other just to get in
line for the tickets, you can imagine we might have jacked the price up just a wee
bit higher. So you'll be saving money in the long run, not to mention your eternal
soul. Immortality for $30? Ah, why bother. Blow it off. You'd rather have the
Italian beef. You'd damn well better eat the hell out of it, though, since you chose
that and a bad hand job over an eternity of every possible, conceivable desire
being fulfilled.
Is "Bob" gay? Heck no! He's way more open-minded than that. Gay? How
limiting. He's pretty much omni, although he prefers mammals (the larger the
better) and he doesn't even think about children or anyone non-consenting. The
thing is though, whenever any sentient being of legal age (which for mice is like
two weeks) meets "Bob," they start consenting.
Is "Bob" a fascist? Only in terms of PatrioPsychotic AnarchoMaterialism. It's
the opposite of Conspiracy Fascism. The Con has hogged fascism for long enough.
"Bob" wants to bring fascism back to the people. The People's Fascism! Fascism for
each individual, so that every man and woman is their own little Stalin. No more
one-man dictatorships. America should have 250 million all-powerful dictators.
L. Ron Hubbard certainly has some high profile type celebrities in his
flock. How about "Bob"? Oh, Hubbard, that piker. That two-bit frozen-brained
geek. Dobbs taught that guy everything he knew and he won't know it much
longer if Dobbs Co. cuts off the power to the Scientology cryogenics vaults
(Hubbard's head really is frozen there, just like Hitler's.) They've got, what, Tom
Cruise and Kirstie Alley and whatnot? Big deal. Shows you what level of mind
they're trying to lure in. Hell, we've got Mojo-fucking-Nixon! Half of Devo!
Negativland! Robert Anton Wilson, Ken Kesey and Tim Leary! Robert Williams,
Gilbert Shelton and R. Crumb! Pee Wee Herman! (Actually I'd need to look at my
list; we don't feel the need to show off like the Scientologists!) Not to mention
Janor Hypercleats!
Exactly what does the title, Revelation X mean anyway? Is Malcolm
involved in any of this? Revelation X is actually the header on one section of
the PreScriptures, which date to about 1979. But it sounded like a good book title.
Needless to say, the X refers to the Men from Planet X-the Xists-who will be
trading with Dobbs come X-Day. The Nation of Islam has nothing to do with
it-their hate levels are way too limited. They're infants in hate compared to us.
They just want to enslave white humans. We will enslave all humans, including
them. And it certainly doesn't have a God damned thing to do with "Generation X,"
which is just another decadely Conspiracy market-sharing ploy. You noticed they
put the squelch on the alternative demeaning term for modern youth, "Slackers."
Gee, I wonder why.
When every deserving being on this planet has read Revelation X in its
entirety, what do you predict will happen? The deserving will be ruptured
up into the Escape Vessels of the Sex Goddesses. The other "deserving" will fry in
their own fat like the sniveling human dogs they are. (Incidentally, the actual
canines themselves will mostly be ruptured too, except for certain poodles.)
What do you do during the good HMS Reverend's quiet time? Sleep. And
you woke me up!
Just how many members of the fleshly fold does "Bob" actually have?
On the whole planet, not as many as a band like AC/DC has in one city. Only about
seven or eight thousand people have actually sent in those $30 ordainment
request love offerings. If X-Day happened now, only eight thousand would join us
on the Saucers and even then, only if they don't lose their Minister's Card in the
wash or something. On the other hand, judging by book and pamphlet sales and
the radio audience, there are probably about 144,000 or so who like to think
they're SubGeniuses. Oh, after X-Day they'll be armed and given Robot Armies
and all that, but they'll still be stuck here on earth, with no hope for Eternal
Salvation and nothing better to do than to pick off Pinks like Whiting did prairie
dogs.
What is your all-time favorite torture method? Money worries. Create a
system whereby one must "work" to "live." That's the most fiendish torture ever
devised by the Conspiracy. We prefer to spend our inventiveness on new methods
of Slack Abuse.
Own any unusual home exercise equipment? Juggs magazine.
Is there a SubGenius Sperm Bank? I'm tempted to make a joke about Connie
Dobbs, but maybe I'd best keep my mouth shut. Seriously, it's not so much a
sperm bank but a Sperm Sprinkler System. The depositories are the locks on the
doors of "Bob's" Throne Office. Voice-print, retina-scan and handprint recognition
systems aren't secure enough; the Con agents can get past those too easily. To get
in to see Dobbs, you have to put your "key" in this warmed receptacle and
actually "go all the way" with it. It reads the spunk-code and lets you in if you're
a true Child of the Yeti.
Have you ever seen a UFO? Well, it's even weirder than that. I once could not
see a UFO. That is, everybody else around me clearly saw a classic UFO one night
in South Dakota. Right across the highway, a few hundred yards away. Shining a
real bright blue light. Classic Standard Close Sighting. And everybody else in the
trailer court could see it-except me. I saw nothing at all. That is a true story. I
prefer to think that I'm not supposed to see them.
Ever been abducted? Yes! One night the Greys invaded my home. They were in
the attic, right of my daughter's bedroom. I was in the next room and knew that
they were "doing things" to her, but they were keeping me paralyzed with some
kind of ray. I managed to fight off the Paralyzing Terror Ray and forced myself to
climb up into the attic, but what I saw there was so mind-rapingly impossibly
brain-blanking, that I blacked out and couldn't remember anything else until I
woke up in my bed, shaking with fright. You'll notice that they always hypnotize
you into "thinking" it was just a nightmare from seeing Communion on TV. That's
how you know it really did happen!
Do you like to fish? We are Fishers of Wallets.
SubGenius Glossary
(by Rev. Ivan Stang)
"Bob"
J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, leader and High Epopt of the Church of the SubGenius,
Living Avatar of Slack, the Saint of Sales. Once a humble salesman;
underwent his Emasculation in JHVH-1 (Alien Space God) in 1953 and saw
visions of X-Day, leading to his founding the Church of the SubGenius on a
shifting, sandy beach of hypocrisy.
PreScriptures
The gospels revealed to "Bob" by Alien Space God JHVH-1. See The Book of
the SubGenius and Revelation X (both Simon & Schuster trade paperbacks)
for partial text. Sexier than the Bible-even more monsters and villains.
X-Day
July 5, 1998, when the Men from Planet X ,or XISTS, will arrive on Earth,
close a deal with "Bob," rupture the card-carrying Ordained SubGenii up to
the Escape Vessels of the Sex Goddesses, and destroy the remaining
population of Earth, VERY VERY SLOWLY.
SubGenius Doktor
The highest level of the Church Hierarchy under Dobbs . . . one of the 13
Apostles.
The Conspiracy
Everything that fucks you up. All the Normals working together,
unconsciously, against all abnormals.
Pink
Short for "Pink Boy"-derogatory term for human Normals. AKA Barbies &
Kens, Cage Dwellers, Mediocretins, Norm-Worms, Glorps, Cage Boys,
Pinkie-Winkies Media Vampires-A dupe of the Conspiracy.
St. Janor Hypercleats
One of the 13 Apostles. The weirdest one. A native of Little Rock Arkansas,
St. Janor is the Keeper of the Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer (sacred
religious icon.)
Rosebud Reservation
Lakota Indian reservation in Rosebud, South Dakota. Originally consisted of
half the state, now consists of two small towns. The Sacred Pipe of the
Lakota is kept there.
That Whiting Boy
CLASSIFIED (Nat. Sec. Reg. #645538).
Frop
A medicinal herb which grows only by moonlight on the graves and
droppings of dead Tibetan holy men and live Yetis . . . what "Bob" smokes.
You can't come down.
Excremeditation
Self-explanatory. Meditation during excretion. Generally performed on The
Throne of Excremeditation or the Porcelain Temple.
Connie
Connie Dobbs, the Primary Wife of "Bob".
PatrioPsychotic AnarchoMaterialism
The SubGenius Political Party. "Every yard a kingdom, every child and dog
a serf." Fascism for the People. Fascism for the Individual.
Conspiracy Fascism
What you think of as normal, everyday life. Your job, etc.
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the
SubGenius.
Original file name: 3rdWord Int. w Stang
This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.