"Mornin' fishing fans! This is General Bill Westmorland and my good friend and personal valet, Master Sergeant "Scrappy" MacDoogle, joining you for another hour of angling adventure."

"Today, we're at Lake Chipee, North Dakota and we'll hopefully be reeling in some of the record-breaking Big Ass Bass that this area is so famous for. I'll be using my favorite MacDonald Douglas 'General Hooker' stainless steel rod with a Colt KX-1 reel and a Mattel 'Death Breath' proximity mine for a lure. Master Sergeant MacDoogle, here, will be using a Zebco Line-Buster Combo along with a K-Mart Furball spinner."

"Well, here goes my first cast."

"Excellent cast sir. I've always maintained that the best fishing is always within 4 feet of the boat."

"Thanks Scrappy. Ya know folks, these Big Ass Bass, or Gillheads as we in the military affectionately refer to them, prefer to inhabit the rocky areas along the shoreline. These rocky areas are notorious for snags, and quite frankly, when you're using a $750.00 fishing lure (as I am) you can't afford to lose it. That's why I've invited the heavy mortar platoon of Able Company to join us this morning. They're dug in about 3 klicks northwest of us and in about 30 seconds they'll drop about a half-dozen high explosive 128mm mortar rounds into the rocks along the shoreline. This will scare the bass out of there and get them into the open."

"They'll still be down pretty deep though. To get the bass up closer to the surface, a squadron of F-4 Phantoms from the 52nd Tactical Fighter-Bomber Wing will drop a mixed load of napalm and white phosphorus on the area. The light generated by the strike will entice the Big Ass Bass to come closer to the surface."

"At that point, Master Sergeant MacDoogle and myself will personally engage the forward element of the bass. By using a pincer-type strategy, we hope to trap them between us and eventually break through their defenses and cut their supply lines."

"As soon as this occurs, a special Army Intelligence Psyops unit will distribute leaflets to the bass urging them to surrender. Hopefully, by this time the bass will be so demoralized they will surrender enmasse and we can get on with the fishfry straight away."

"If the fish continue to resist, a group of Navy trawlers will dredge the lake with kevlar nets."

"Right now, you're probably asking, 'What about the non-bass gamefish in the lake who will be caught along with the Big Ass Bass?' Well, last week I had a company of Green Berets relocate all friendly non-bass gamefish into a series of 'strategic ponds'. Any fish spotted outside of the ponds will be considered a bass and treated accordingly. Sure there'll be some mistakes, but, like I told the troops - "If it runs, it's a bass."

"And with that bit of fishing lore, we'll take a break for a public service announcement ..."

---