NBeaul2880 wrote:
> i'm always truly impressed how people can find themselves caught up, and
> even believing doctrines in what we commonly group as 'cults'... for many
> people who have supposively 'escaped' cults, they continually speak about
> 'brain washing techniques' and the like... but others must walk into such
> things with open arms...
Which is why, if you HAVE to join a cult, then you should NOT
join the judeo-christian-muslim guy-on-a-stick worshippin'
cults, Nay! You should NOT join the let's-stare-into-a-crystal-
and-chant-ohm neo-pagan-hippy-love-n-cherries-new-age cults, Nay!
"Squirt for squirt, THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS *is* your BEST
ENTERTAINMENT VALUE!" - yours truly to the public of Chicago, 1997.
We will deliver all the benefits befitting a member of a secret
society or fanatical cult with LESS FAT, LESS PRESERVATIVES, and
(for comparative secret majik rituals) LESS MONEY than your
standard average Doomsday cult!
But, wait! Don't send that check to "Bob" *just* yet... (well,
put it in the mail now just to be *sure*...)
Not ONLY do you get the SWANK XEROXED PAPERS letting you know that
your mind is still "OKAY", but you also get to KEEP YOUR MIND
AS WELL. That's right... We LET YOU KEEP YOUR MIND! We don't want it!
We're here for the money, that's all. (Yeah, you read that right...
Hey, at least we have the GONADS TO ADMIT IT... Where do YOUR "high
powered spiritual leaders" sneak off to after "holy communion with
_______"? HUH? They're back behind the altar! Countin' *YOUR* MONEY.
And what do you take home to show the kids? A CRYSTAL THAT THEY FOUND
LYING IN SOME ROCK QUARRY? A bookmark with a prayer that YOU ALREADY
HAD DRILLED INTO YOU SINCE CHILDHOOD? THE FAINTLY METALLIC TASTE OF
A WAFER AND CHEAP WINE? Hell! If you really wanted that, GO BUY YOUR
OWN... At least that way you can get a bit TIPSY, and you don't have
to worry about the line of 80 year old geezers' backwash that you
just SWALLOWED.
No! You get LAUGHS AND CHUCKLES AND THE FREEDOM TO RELAX SAFELY
IN YOUR *OWN DAMN DELUSIONS*!!! (Well, you had that freedom all
along, it's just that those OTHER CULTS didn't TELL you about it.
We're just here to REMIND YOU of WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE, as well
as giving you something to ponder and guffaw about then next time
you find yourself grunting on the john from that bad Italian beef
sandwich you had with "the guys" or "the gals" down by that small
bar by the railroad station.
WHAT OTHER CHURCH DELIVERS THE PUNCHLINES, HUH? WHAT OTHER CULT
TOSSES THE BANANA PEEL OUT IN THE PATH OF "THE SYSTEM'S" STRIDE?
We don't ask you to kill yourself. We don't ask you to worship death.
We don't ask you to bleed. We don't ask you to deny your basic needs
like food, water, sleep, relaxation, or shelter. We won't send you
out to remote countries to deliver too little, too late. We won't
force you through years of training, staying up late with people
you don't know that don't care about you arguing about some obscure
passage in a book written 2000 years ago. We won't slap you off
in some militaristic camp to have your mind washed, slapped in spin
cycle, and then hung out on the line to dry.
NO!
All we ask is $30. There you go. Simple, sweet, to the point. You get
all the "plusses" of being in a cult, with the ability to PICK AND
CHOOSE
the "negatives" if you WANT THEM and if it would GET YOU OFF.
Books? You need HIGH-FALUTIN' LITTER-ATURE to make it OFFICIAL? Have
we got the BOOKS for you! Start out with either the Book of the
SubGenius
or Reveleation X to begin with. You don't even need to READ them. Just
keep 'em on top of the john for that spare moment of bliss, or if you
run out of toilet paper. (Sorry, we do NOT hold any liability if you
get paper cuts on your bum, ma'am...) We've got pamphlets. We have
HUNDREDS of SELF-PRODUCED ZINES covering just about ANY DAMN TOPIC
in the WORLD that you might find of interest. If you want to read
about something, CHANCES ARE, SOME SUBGENIUS OUT THERE HAS ALREADY
GONE THROUGH THE TROUBLE TO FIND OUT THE INFORMATION FOR YOU BY
CUTTING THROUGH THE BULLSHIT.
How about the other areas of "cult"-ure, you ask? Can't get enough
of that high-powered preaching on the radio? Just ask your local
radio station to carry the HOUR OF SLACK, the syndicated weekly
SubGenius radio show. Find out all the latest poop on what's going
in the world, and hear a veritable showcase of HIDDEN TALENTS brought
forth by your OWN KIND. Not to mention... WITHOUT COMMERCIALS.
You won't hear some Jamaican go on and on about Red Stripe Beer on
the show, Oh No!
Music? Let's not even go there! With the amount of DOKTOR MUSIC
available to the general public (if only THEY weren't SO SCARED
OF THE POWER OF THESE TUNES THAT THEY MUST PUSH THE "NORMAL" MUSIC
LADEN WITH "calm-you-down" SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES TO YOU ON THE RADIO),
you need NEVER WATCH MTV AGAIN.
All this... and the initial investment is $30. (Well, hell, it's
actually FREE. Just pop out, in your own sweet, internet-savvy way
to the OFFICIAL Church of the SubGenius website,
http://www.subgenius.com
and just OGGLE the OODLES of INFO over there for a bit. ) Just
send a check to the SubGenius Foundation at PO BOX 140306, Dallas, TX.
75214
and relax knowing that you've made one of the BEST INVESTMENTS in your
life.
And, without all the dangers from UFO's following comets!
"Investment," you say? Yes. Investment. "Safe from UFO's?" Yuppers!
Because, right along with all the BENEFITS you get RIGHT NOW, just
for popping that check in the mail, you also get GUARANTEED PROTECTION
from ALL EXTRATERRESTRIAL INFLUENCES or SUPERNATURAL PHENONEMON. You
can consider yourself SAVED. That means that you are SAFE. That's
SAFETY. And, SAFETY is one of the MAJOR CONCERNS in ANY RESPECT in
today's society! SAFE FOR $30.
"Eternal Salvation or Triple Your Money Back"....
It's not just a catchy phrase. It's your ticket, and we've got the
cheapest ones in town.
but... back to what YOU were saying, m'dear.
> and history is full of this stuff... great cat massacres riddle our
> books... but here it is folks! go check out the now timely and imfamous
> san diego's latest 'cult's' doctrine... you'll find this hillarious i'm
> sure... i did.... it goes on about alien cultures and bodily posession....
we've got 'em BEAT for "DOKTOR-ine"... hands down.
$T.&REUX,KSC
Hmmm... that actually turned out not half bad.
--
$T.&REUX,KSC ---><--- OGYR NETWORK saint@prairienet.org
The SacraMenstrual Church of the SubGenius Outreach Ministry
LOGIC OF SLACK :: PURE HATRED IS THE PUREST FORM OF LOVE
Original file name: Cults Are Fun!@ndrew
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