Dear Dr. Sterno:

The main thing I wanted to tell you is, I fucked my first pig. In fact, I fucked it twice -- once alive, once after it'd been half-cooked. Yep, I did it. See, my parents, brother and sister all live on a cattle/goat ranch in a small Texas town. My brother has been there for 15 years and runs the ranch -- a far cry from our common upbringing as suburban kids. (Only I remained a suburban-kid, and in fact am now an inner-city adult. But I still love the country, and my bro turned me onto some of the simpler pleasures.) He had this one big ol' hog -- a sow, of course -- and he didn't use it for breeding or anything, just for fucking. He has a wife and two kids like me, but when you're talking about an animal, I don't consider that adultery. Anyway, a sow has a vagina that feels pretty much identical to a human being's. My brother took me out to the little hogpen and fucked her first. I noticed he kept his eyes open, gazing intently at its heaving back muscles and little bristly hairs. Me, I had to fantasize I was fucking a human, or Connie, and kept my eyes closed. But it was pretty damn good, even with the sow constantly squealing and trying to run away. It's even better because of this coitus interruptus, in a way... you have to keep chasing her down and cornering her before you can continue. You build up a lot of spunk in this manner, and also get covered with mud and pig shit, which sort of adds to the whole thing in a funny way. When I came it was great. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Well, actually, my wife will always come first, but it was unforgettable.

However, later that same weekend my brother decided the animal was too old (and maybe also that, since I'd fucked it, it was spoiled), and that it should be slaughtered. I wasn't there when he killed it, but when I came back he had a huge barbeque pit full of hot coals and this skinned, gutted carcass on a mechanized rotisserie he'd built himself for cooking several goats at once (he sells "cabrito" to the local Mexican families). The "axel" of the rotisserie spanned the whole trench full of coals, and the motor at one end kept the pig spinning at a slow, even rate.

Now, we'd talked about this before, but never done it. My brother really wanted to try it. He stopped the machine, yanked the stationary end of the rotisserie away from the axel, slid the pig carcass down the axel so that it was no longer poking out the pig's asshole, and offered me first whack at replacing that whole end of the rotisserie/axel with my dick. I was freaked at first, but, remembering my pleasures with the pig earlier the same day, I complied. I jacked up my dick -- which is pretty big, honestly, and sticks out when hard in such a way that it's almost immovable -- and he shoved the pig back down the axel so that its butt could be skewered by my cock. So I stood there while he turned the rotating machine on again (it is gas-powered and makes a lot of noise and smoke.) Now, fucking a pig carcass while it spins around on your dick may seem a hideous vision to some, and in fact the heat from the coals did make it uncomfortable, but I swear it was the most amazing sensation my dick's ever felt. Having that hot, semi-cooked carcass-bowel revolving around, and around, and around the shaft of my dick -- man, you'll have to try it sometime. I ate part of the pig later... but not the part I'd fucked!! NO WAY!!! Now, whenever I smell barbecue sauce I get arroused. My brother says he has a new pig now and I can't wait to get back down there and try it again.

Just wanted to tell you about it...