Research account (research@) wrote:
: The following is a survey designed to investigate the relationship between
: adornment and human sexuality. It has been posted to this newsgroup
: because a random sample of people is crucial to the research program's
: success. Please understand this constraint, and suppress your need to flame
: posts that *you* feel are inappropriate.
:
: By returning your survey responses through the anonymous mail server,
: you are guaranteed anonymity, and we can still reach you for feedback, if
: you wish to have it (see Question 37).
:
: This study is part of a larger anthropological study investigating the
: role of
: adornment across cultures. Should you decide to participate, your answers
: will be kept confidential. If you request a summary of the findings, an
: electronic version will be forwarded to the e-mail address that your
: completed survey data arrive from.
:
: -========THE SURVEY BEGINS HERE========-
:
: 1. (1 response) Are you:
: 1 male?
: 2 female?
: 3 other (please explain?)
3 I AM the Grand Clavister. My sexual organs happen to put me into
the broad and ambiguous category of MALE. So what?
: 2. (1 response) How old are you?
As old as my dick and a little bit older than my pubic hair.
: 3. (1 response) Are you:
: 1 single?
: 2 married?
: 3 divorced?
: 4 widowed?
: 5 cohabiting?
: 6 other (please describe)
6 I leave my physical body in a plastic box while my soul travels
to far-off worlds and has sex with other people's spouses.
: 4. (1 response) If you are involved in a sexual relationship do you:
: 1 see your sexual partner daily?
: 2 see your sexual partner on a periodic basis? (how frequently?)
: 3 not currently involved in a sexual relationship
That's hard to explain. I don't actually SEE anyone I have sex with, as I
inevitably do it through a sheet with a hole cut in it (a sheet of black
leather, if you are interested...)
: 5. (1 response) What is your race?
: 1 African
: 2 Asian
: 3 Caucasian
: 4 Latino
: 5 other (please describe)
Well, SubGenius, of course: you?
: 6. (2 responses) What is your approximate geographical location? (State or
: Province, Country)
As old as my dick and a little bit older than my pubic hair.
: 7. (1 response) Profession?
I profess that I be declared official Schlosselier of the planet.
: 8. (list all that apply) Which of the following do you regularly use?
: 1 lipstick
: 2 lip gloss
: 3 eye liner
: 4 eye shadow
: 5 mascara
: 6 base
: 7 finger nail polish
: 8 toe nail polish
: 9 false eye lashes
: 10 false finger nails
: 11 tanning products or salons
: 12 other (please describe)
: 13 none -- I don't regularly wear makeup
I use lipstick, base, false eyelashes and false fingernails, and visit
salons regularly, but I don't "wear" any of them. I use the lipstick to
lubricate the bio-pistons in my Organiclaviphone, and the false thingies
are employed in the construction of bug decoys. The salons are GREAT
places to recruit, if you know what I mean. Oh, and every musician needs
a little base.
: 9. (list all that apply) What hosiery do you wear regularly?
: 1 none -- I don't regularly wear hosiery
: 2 stay up stocking
: 3 stockings with garters
: 4 pantyhose
: 5 scantihose
: 6 knee-highs
: 7 thigh-highs
: 8 other (please describe)
Make your own rubber hose joke here...
: 10. (2 responses) How many earrings do you wear on each ear? (left, right)
I don't believe in body adornment.
: 11. (2 responses) How many times is each of your ears pierced? (left,
: right)
The left one was pierced 15 times during an acupuncture accident, and the
right was pierced once on New Year's Day 2 years ago when a cheese knife
slipped. I'm sorry.
: 12. (list all that apply) Please list the following items that you regularly
: wear:
: 1 none -- I don't wear any jewelry
: 2 chokers
: 3 necklaces and chains
: 4 rings
: 5 thumb rings
: 6 bracelets or bangles
: 7 watch
: 8 ankle bracelets
: 9 toe rings
: 10 other jewelry (please describe)
I wear chokers (I also wear kickers and karate-choppers), and the
thumb-rings keep my arms from moving out of alignment during REALLY long
trance-fellatio. ["Watch" what?]
: 14. (same as for question 12) For each of the items you listed for question
: 12, please list in sequence how many of that item that you regularly wear.
I wear chokers (I also wear... [well, it says "same as for question 12",
doesn't it?] Foobah.
: 15. (1 response) Do you wear jewelry (excluding a watch) on:
: 1 both ears?
: 2 both arms?
: 3 both legs?
: 4 I don't wear any jewelry
I refuse to answer that question in honor of all those fine people out
there with no arms or legs.
: 16. (list all that apply) Please list any body piercing that you have:
: 1 nose
: 2 tongue
: 3 neck
: 4 belly
: 5 other (please describe)
: 6 none -- I don't have any body piercing
5 other scrotum, big toe, elbow, glans, foreskin, rectum, pyloric
sphincter, that thing that dangles at the back of your throat, eyeball,
scalp, double-chin, love-handles, back of the calf, back of the colt, my
cat, my neighbor's cat, and every single stray cat I ever find.
: 17. (same as for question 16) For each of the body locations you listed for
: question 16, please list in sequence how many piercings that you have at
: this location.
Five.
: 18. (list all that apply) Please list any tattoos that you have:
: 1 none
: 2 arm
: 3 buttock
: 4 thigh
: 5 ankle
: 6 other (please describe)
I have a three-dee tattoo. Those things are really hard to do, because
the tattoo artist has to work with planes instead of lines, and that's
when it gets REALLLY expensive. But, it's a tattoo of a house, and it's
on my butt, and all I have to do is shake my li'l hiney, and a little
tattoo man sticks his head out of the little tattoo window and curses a
blue streak atcha with li'l tattoo word balloons. Now THAT's ART!!
: 19. (same as for question 18) For each of the body locations that you listed
: in question 18, please list how many tattoos you have at this location.
Since I first began smoking pencil shavings.
: MALES: (list all that apply) Do you regularly wear:
: 1 collared shirt?
: 2 tie?
: 3 tight blue jeans?
: 4 jockey briefs?
: 5 boxer briefs?
: 6 none of the above
I wear collared briefs. They make my dick look shorter.
: 21. (1 response) How long is your hair (please list one)?
: 1 long
: 2 shoulder-length
: 3 short
Now, let's assume for the moment that this person is asking about the
hair on my HEAD, alright? And let's then assume that they want to know...
wait a minute, they say "(please list one)"! Alright, then, hold on...
this one hair I found is 4 inches long. THERE!!! FUCK YOOOOU!
: 22. (1 response) Is your hair?
: 1 natural color
: 2 highlighted
: 3 dyed darker than natural color
: 4 bleached lighter than natural color
: 5 other (please describe)
I used a special dye to give the impression that whoever ELSE is with me
has my hair color and vice versa. You should see what happens when I'm
alone...
: 23. (list all that apply) Where have you had cosmetic surgery? (please list)
:
: 1 none
: 2 nose
: 3 lips
: 4 breasts
: 5 other (please describe)
I had elongation surgery done on my elbows, so that when some asswipe in
a bar asks me to "touch my elbow to my ear", I can do it. THEN I stir by
drink with "it". Then I stab him with "it" and wipe the blood off on my
tail. Oh, yeah, that's another thing...
: 24. (1 response) How long are your fingernails?
: 1 long
: 2 medium length
: 3 short
One is reaaaally long, for fencing. Another is cut like a skeleton key,
so I guess it's long some places, and short other places. All the rest
are cut like letters of the alphabet. Cuts down on the time I spend
"signing" to my deaf friends.
: 25. (1 response) How many minutes a day do you regularly take to prepare
: to go out in public?
"Public"? What the hell is "public"?!?
: 26. (1 response) Are you?
: 1 straight
: 2 gay/lesbian
: 3 bisexual
Come on over and let's find out! You fag-ass!
: 27. (1 response) At what age did you first have intercourse?
Sexual intercourse? Well, that's a long story. What does it mean if you
gave birth to your own mother? And fathered the distant ancestors on your
father's side... all 27 of them? Let's say 123 and leave it at that...
: 28. (2 responses) Estimate how many partners you have had in the past six
: months (male, female)?
Estimate, huh? One.
: 29. (2 responses) Estimate how many partners you have had in your
: lifetime (male, female)?
Estimate, huh? One.
: 30. (1 response) Do you belong to any explicit sexual group (i.e., S&M,
: swingers, prostitutes)?
: 1 no
: 2 yes ( please identify the group)
The Church of the SubGenius!!
: 31. (16 responses) For each of the following, in sequence, estimate how
: frequently you engaged in these behaviors in the past three months (list 16
: frequencies):
: 1 orgasm
: 2 oral sex
: 3 vaginal sex
: 4 anal sex
: 5 genital masturbation
: 6 genital masturbation with aids (i.e., vibrator, erotic movies)
: 7 XXX movie viewing alone
: 8 XXX movie viewing with partner
: 9 reading erotic literature alone
: 10 reading erotic literature with partner
: 11 phone sex
: 12 one night stands
: 13 sex in a public place
: 14 fantasized about sexual behavior with a stranger
: 15 trading sexual favors for money (i.e., prostituting)
: 16 using the services of a prostitute (male or female)
Ahem, here we go.... : : 32. (16 responses) For each of the items listed
in question 31, estimate in : the order presented, how many times in your
life that you have engaged in : these behaviors (list 16 frequencies). :
: 33. (1 response) Do you enjoy the taste of your partner's body fluids? :
1 no : 2 yes : 3 never tried them : : 34. FEMALES: (2 response) When
fully erect, how large, in inches, is : your clitoris? (Clitoris sizes
vary from about 1/8 of an inch to 6 inches) : and how long is the distance
from your clitoris to your vaginal opening? : (length, distance) : :
MALES: (2 responses) When fully erect, how large, in inches, is : your
penis (average length is 6 inches measured along the top)? (length, :
circumference) : : 35. FEMALES: (1 response) Is your clitoris exposed to
the outside : world, or is it buried beneath the folds of your labia? : 1
exposed : 2 buried : : MALES: (1 response) Are you circumcised? : 1
circumcised : 2 uncircumcised : : 36. (1 response) Were you ever sexually
abused as a child? : 1 no : 2 yes, by male : 3 yes, by female : 5 suspect
so, by male : 6 suspect so, by female : 7 unsure : 8 other (please
describe) : : 37. (1 response) I would like to be sent an electronic copy
of the survey : findings once they have been organized and analyzed. : 1
no : 2 yes : : Thank you.
Whoops.
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