From: "E.S. InterGalactic, ESQ." <kabrin>
:::::::SUBLIGHT YETI SUBMISSION\*|*/Wank Receiver in OUTER SPACE::::::::
(GMT: 04:22:47, 95/05/05) Wank Receiver tracking reports a large
space object believed to be either an *X-IST probe or some crude Plaster
of Paris copy of Hillary Clinton's butt approaching the outskirts of
Pluto. SubGenious Foundation scientists at Wank Tracking Central, MoBOB,
AR, are anxiously awaiting the object's reaction once it reaches the
actual skirts.
"We've got all our heads stuck in buckets of cheap wine around here
hoping to jump-start our YETI PSIONICS, but so far nothing new to report
other than the fact that something was definitely out there," stated SuG
Wank Director PullPud Cuticle Rex. "If we haven't discovered anything
new by this evening, I'm sure some of us will be pissing on the 12 volt
batteries of running farm tractors just to see what happens."
SuG scientists conjecture the object may have been sent by *X-ISTS
in order to test SuG resolve, either that, or someone is playing a
malicious prank on the country's First Lady. SuG scientists say they
will know more once they convince NASA to aim the Hubble Telescope at the
object.
"NASA's not talking to us right now, since we mentioned the First
Lady's butt," Rex admitted. "But, we're YETI damn it! We'll not give up
until we get to the bottom of this. Sooner or later, its going to crack!"
++++++++++
From: "E.S. InterGalactic, ESQ." <kabrin>
Date: 10 May 1995 01:29:18 GMT
::::SUBLIGHT YETI TRANSMISSION\*!*/Wank Receiver in OUTER SPACE::::
(GMT: 14:16:04, 95/05/08) SubGenious scientists now believe a
space object reported earlier this week on the outskirts of Pluto carries
the unmistakable stank of Yakatisma origin. SuG scientists had earlier
conjectured it was an *X-ist pre-probe or a crude Plaster of Paris copy
of Hillary Clinton's butt.
"Through a 48 hour repitition of MIND TRANSMOGRIFYING BRAIN
AEROBICS, which included BRAIN STEM SWIZZLING and CEREBELLUM SQUINCHING,
we were able to compact our CEREBRAL CORTEXES into the miniscule
particles of our before-births," SuG Wank Director PullPud Cuticle Rex
told reporters outside Wank Receiver Tracking Cerntral, MoBOB, AR. "From
there it was just a matter of invoking the right THOUGHT SPEW RESPONSE
which allowed our minds to regurgitate throughout the solar system."
Once their mindhack touched Pluto, SuG scientists said they were
able to THOUGHT GROPE the object. According to their findings, the
object grew longer and harder as it was MIND MASSAGED. It was also
reported to be made of metal and coated with some form of strange alien
latex. Scientists were emphatic in stating the object had nothing to do
with Hillary Clinton, Paris or plaster.
"The thing is definitely not a butt, we KNOW butts around here!
In fact, some of us are BOBDAMN CERTIFIED TIBETIAN BUTTMASTERS, and that
thing is not a butt," Rex shouted when asked by a reporter if he knew his
butt from a black hole.
SuG scientists are pondering the possiblity that the object may be a
Yakatisma ROBOT PENIS sent here to court Pluto in some WEIRD COSMIC
MATING RITUAL only to DATE RAPE the unsuspecting planet in a GRAND
PRE-FORNICATTACK designed to soften up the rest of the planets in our
solar system.
"We had the feeling it was really giving Uranus the once over," said
a concerned Rex. "One thing is certain, that thing wasted no time on the
outskirts of Pluto. It headed directly for the inskirts."
SuG scientists have considered launching some sort of FORNA-BARRIER
such as a GIGANTIC PRICK SEEKING CONCRETE DIAPHRAGM but have not yet made
a decision. Wank Tracking Central scientists are currently considering
all legitimate OVERPLANS for a CHASTITY COUNTERATTACK EFFORT in an
attempt to save Pluto from embarrassment.
++++++++
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*|*//////////////////////////////////
ALIENS BEWARE! Our One-Eyed BOB is WATCHING!
------WANK RECEIVERS IN OUTER SPACE-----
"We Don't Need No Stinkin' Steel Alloy, We Got Wood!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
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