My name is BT Elder. I'm the director of Obscure Research Labs,
and I'd like to take a couple of minutes of your time to explain just
what it is we do here at the Labs and how grateful you should be for
the services we provide.
Doubtless, our name and organization is unknown to you. You're
probably one of the people who benefits from our unceasing vigilance,
but you'd never know it if we didn't tell you. Perhaps you've seen our
anonymous white trucks cruising the streets of your town, or heard
some of our public service messages on the static between your
favorite radio stations. Probably not though; we keep a pretty low
profile, and when I tell you what we do you'll understand why.
As you're probably aware, our dear planet is in the grip of
titanic, sizeless forces beyond most people's comprehension. Aliens,
monsters and other non-human riffraff constantly subject ordinary
citizens like yourself to the most horrible and unbelievable
experiences. We're living in a kind of complex, secret
interdimensional war zone; these things happen all the time, and on a
global scale, but most people try to pretend they're not. This may be
a wise course of action, if you think about it; I mean, after all,
it's not like YOU'RE going to see one of these nameless shambling
things, right? You have more important things to worry about-- your
job, politics, sports, your family. We at Obscure Research Labs
understand this reaction; we realize that while there's no hard
evidence to support any of these alleged Damned Things, people keep
seeing and interacting with 'em anyway. Which brings me to my first
point: SOMEBODY has to mind the store, to keep watch on the border of
the unknown, that others may sleep safely and comfortably. Obscure
Research Labs is that borderwatch.
Since 1962, we at Obscure Research Labs have been fighting for
Earth's right to remain placid in the face of cosmic horror. Mind you,
I don't mean that in a grandiose way. But just as not all brands of
coffee taste the same, not all so-called "paranormal investigators"
are the same, either. Some of them are only out to make a buck off of
a fearful and gullible public. Many charge into a situation with some
half-cocked notion of proper procedure, frightening the witnesses with
vague talk of planetary confederations and missing time. We at Obscure
Research Labs deplore this sort of thing, because when your back is to
the weirdological wall you need a clear head and an open mind. The
problem is, most investigators try to find some sort of "objective
proof" for the things they're investigating. In our opinion, that's
kind of a waste of time. Nothing against our well-intentioned
colleagues, but in the first place, there is no such thing as
"objective proof"; and in the second place, the last thing a witness
needs after a brush with the slimy tentacles of the Unknown is
somebody pawing all over their yard, taking soil and blood samples,
hypnotizing them with little flashlights and putting them on talk
shows. What they really need is a nice cup of tea and an assurance
that they're not alone.
Because, ultimately, what we are dealing with is not so much a
thing as a belief in a thing, or several things. This is, at any rate,
the best way to proceed. Let the aliens view us as lab animals, we
certainly don't have to. Despite the success of such programs as
Unsolved Mysteries and The X-Files, most people couldn't be bothered
with a real alien abduction or Bigfoot sighting. They'd rather have
the mystery, not the drudgery of finding the answer. Fortunately, we
at Obscure Research Labs have found many procedural innovations that
let us keep both. Some of these, like the mysterious Matrix, are
detailed elsewhere in the program. We'll highlight others in future
programs, unless, of course, the Men In Black get to us first. But
I'll touch on just a few for right now, then I have to get back to the
Staff Lounge for my noontime snack.
The first is disinformation tracking. In order to detect the
public's perceptual drift and anticipate areas of future concern, we
need accurate, up-to-the-minute information on what everybody's
thinking. To this end, we've developed a sort of meta-tap, that takes
advantage of existing technology. As some of you may know, certain
government agencies have placed monitors on the cable decoder boxes in
everybody's home, turning the TV into a surveillance system that keeps
an eye on potential troublemakers. But we at Obscure Research Labs
have found a way to boost and convert the signal so it detects the
emotional state of the TV audience and their reaction to whatever
they're watching. It also jams the surveillance feed and improves your
cable reception by 60%. If you're amazed at the picture quality of
your cheap TV, chances are you're one of our target viewers.
Another of our more visible projects is the old-fashioned
human-in-the-street interview, directly asking people their opinions
on a variety of seemingly inocuous subjects. This has the advantage of
being a more ethically sound research method, and lets people know
that Obscure Research Labs is "on their side". We'll see the results
of some of these ineterviews later on in the program.
Lastly, there's the "Three A.M. Watch." If you're still tuned in
at this point, you probably know that 3 am is the statistically peak
time for suicides, bad acid trips and UFO sightings. What you may not
know, however, is that the three phenomena are related, but for
reasons of planetary security we can't tell you why. What we can tell
you is that the same technology we use for monitoring public
perception has been put to the task of maintaining public health. If
you have been sleeping unusually well, and dreaming pleasantly, for
about the last, say, year or so, chances are you're in one of the
Three AM Safe Areas.
In closing, let me just say that we do what we do with you in
mind. We keep a low profile, but that's because we have to in order
that our work can go on unimpeded. So if you see an unmarkked white
truck driving slowly about the streets of your town, or a hazmat team
in tasteful pastels, or if you wake up in the middle of the night with
a peculiar sensation that all's right with the world, just think a
silent "thank you" to Obscure Research Labs. We'll know.
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