MARIJUANA LINKED TO SITTING AROUND AND GETTING HIGH
The National Institute of Health released the results of a
controversial
new study today, one that links the drug marijuana to sitting around
and
getting high. The study, a comprehensive five-year survey of drug use
among Americans, also suggests a possible connection between
marijuana
and getting baked off your ass.
"We have found that where there's marijuana," explained Institute
spokesperson Roger Krell, "there's also a good chance of finding
stoners
on a couch passing around a bong." Krell added that in such
situations,
"There is also a strong likelihood of finding incense, a TV, and some
chips, usually Ruffles."
Krell would neither confirm nor deny the alleged link between
marijuana
and Pink Floyd's The Wall. He would confirm, however, that the album
rules. "There is some seriously fucked-up shit on that album," he
said.
"Especially side two. Mother do you think they'll drop the bomb..."
Marijuana, or "pot," as it is called on the street, is a harmless
drug
that helps you relax and feel mellow. Its only known side-effects are
occasional uncontrollable laughter and mild hunger, or "the
munchies."
Not everyone agrees with the survey's findings. "Getting high is the
least of marijuana's uses," said Matt Henner, President of Hemp For
Victory and a total pothead. "The ancient Egyptians used hemp to
build
the pyramids. In the 1930s, the WPA used it to construct bridges and
dams. Today it is used for medicine and as a non-polluting
alternative
to gasoline." Henner then admitted he was "wasted beyond belief."
According to experts, drug use among 15-24 year olds is cool. "That's
really the cool age to do drugs," said U.S. Drug Czar Bertrand
Seaver.
"When you're young, that's the thing to do. In fact, studies show
that
teenagers who smoke pot are far more likely to be accepted by the
in-crowd."
While drug use among young people is cool, experts say older people
who
still do drugs are losers. "A young person who does drugs is healthy
and
normal," said Harvard sociologist Beth Henterpen. "But if a guy's
like
45, and he's still getting high, it's like, 'Get a life!'"
Marijuana also has been proven to have the wonderful side-effect of
enhanced sexual sensations, enabling some users to achieve
transcendental states of erotic bliss. The study found that this
link,
however, was severely limited in many subjects because they had, due
to
sitting around all the time, never actually met members of the
opposite
sex. "But if they did," said Krell, "then it'd be amazing."
So far, the study has met with formal protest by only two groups. The
Alabama-based Center for the Christian Family, claimed the findings
to
be terribly inaccurate, noting marijuana's ability to "make users
think
they can fly and jump out of buildings, like on Quincy, as well as
its
tendency to induce demon possession, homicidal rampages, and
homosexuality."
Another group to object to the study was California rapping group
Cypress Hill. "Marijuana's not linked to sitting around, man... It's
linked to cruising the Barrio with a 40 and a 12 gauge, blowing
pendejos
away," said group member DJ Muggs. "Hand onna pump, puffin' on a
blunt... la la la la laaaaaaaaaaa..."
Copyright 1997 Onion, Inc., All Rights Reserved.
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