The fine people at the O.L.I.N.Y.K. (Ontomorphic Laboratories In New
YorK) have developed prototype (i.e. barely but adequately functional)
models of the following devices, soon to be on sale at a Hammacher
Schlemmer or 7-11 near you:
THE "DREAM MACHINE" (working name: also referred to as "Morpheus", the
"Brainbox", and "Nightmare-in-a-box"): This fabulous machine uses audio,
electric-tactile, and photo pulses to generate the state of brain activity
which causes dreams. The device also provides audio, tactile and video
stimuli chosen or developed by the user (or OLINYK laboratories) to
custom-design the details of the dream. All this can be done while the
user is conscious, providing unique "hallucinations" which the operator
can interact within. This device is being hailed as an "organic virtual
reality machine". Numerous controls and expansion ports allow almost
infinite combinations of detail and function. Wow!
ELECTRONIC ZEN GENERATOR: OLINYK scientists have recently discovered the
physical,tangible basis for the infamous state of Zen "SATORI", or
enlightenment: actual 'connection' to the universe at a higher plane,
or, in fact, a higher physical 'dimension'. The E-Z Generator creates a
simulation of the 'carrier wave' which is normally homed in on and
focussed through years of Buddhist teaching and study, allowing the
layman to instantly achieve this enviable state of "oneness" with the
universe without endless thought and effort. Guaranteed: your brain won't
know the difference: in the same way that a hologram in a flat piece of
glass simulates a three-dimensional object, so does the E-Z Generator use
a packet of confluent electronic tones and pulses to simulate the
four-dimensional "aether lines" ("Lei lines" to you ancient Chinese) that
must be found and "ridden" by conventional Zen masters. Why wait? Be one
with everything today!
CLAVISOMETER: The theory of psychometry, that physical objects retain an
energy pattern after being touched by living beings, has been extensively
researched by OLINYK. As it turns out, keys seem to be by far the most
reliable and powerful "spiritual batteries", and only an official
Clavisometer can measure and identify these subatomic patterns and the
benefits that can be received... there are six types of lifewave: do you
want to know what each one can do for YOU? Only the Clavisometer can tell
you!
For more information about these or other items in the infamous OLINYK
Di-Rectory of Services and Devices, Send a SASE to:
OLINYK
P.O. Box 2559
Grand Central Station
New York, NY 10163-2559
And remember... keys included in the envelope (for further research) will
always guarantee a speedy response!
-------------------------------
Subject: Re: Devices for sale
From: dynasor@infi.net (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
Fred Aluminum-Alloy (clavis@phantom.com) wrote:
: Dennis McClain-Furmanski (dynasor@infi.net) wrote:
: : Fred Aluminum-Alloy (clavis@phantom.com) wrote:
: : : CLAVISOMETER: The theory of psychometry, that physical objects retain an
: : : energy pattern after being touched by living beings, has been extensively
: : : researched by OLINYK.
: : Among the research *not* done was concerning the field of psychometry. It is
: : the field relating to the creation and validation of psychological tests.
: : BZZZZZZZT! Failed: improper BS reference. Well written though.
: Do your own fucking research, Dennis. According to Webster's New
: Twentieth Century Dictionary - Unabridged - Second Edition (1975, I believe):
: psychometry, n. 1. The supposed faculty of divining knowledge about an
: abject, or about a person connected with it, through contact with the
: object.
I DO my own fucking research, shit for brains.
Neuroscience and psychometric. Particularly MMPI/CPI, MBTI and p300 evoked
potential response correlated with acetaldehyde dehydronase deficient
genotypes. It's alcoholism research.
I give free tours of the lab, and I promise not to plug the EEG leads into
the wall when I give you your free sample.
I also have the fucking smarts to know that ANYONE can write ANYTHING and
stick the name "Webster's" on it, and sell it as a dictionary.
Check it out, cheese brain. How many "Webster's" can you find, and from how
many DIFFERENT publishers? That's OK, you can take off your shoes so you can
count that high. We'll find someone to tie them for you later. Or don't they
let you have the laces?
Now if you want to know how to tell if your toys really work, feel free to
ask. I live 5 miles from one of the largest parapsychology libraries in the
world -- the Edgar Cayce Foundation/Atlantic University.
--
dynasor@infi.net The Doctor is on.
------------------------------------------
MORE devices for sale!
From: clavis@phantom.com (J. Victor Stark)
Date: 17 Feb 1995
Well, here's a summary of just a FEW of the O.L.I.N.Y.K. devices and
services for sale to YOU!
1. "Answering Service" - Voradk, Bearer of all knowledge, answers any
question! Yes, Voradk, who has the answer to every question WRITTEN DOWN
somewhere in his palatial 1-bedroom apartment, will find the paper that
has the question YOU ASK! ASK AWAY!!!
2. LP2CD - converts records into CD's, but you gotta BREAK the record first!
3. Clavimeter - reads the psychic "resonance" and ID pattern of keys!
4. EZ (Electric Zen) Generator - simulates and STimulates "satori"!
5. Dream Machine aka Brainbox - dream while awake! Fly! Fuck! Do it all
while sitting down!
6. "The HOMO SAPIENS manual" - learn to sneeze with your eyes open, and
run around a building 3 times while NOT thinking of the word "elephant"!
7. Rust Farm - Grow rust from a tiny bearing-seed, in your own
emulsion-like "soil"!
8. InfoStix - store ANY amount of information in a rod half the length of
a pencil!
9. Gremlin Ball -manipulates the causality of nearby machinery, with
catastrophic results!
10. Focus Placebos (aka "Black Feathers") - The product that makes you
think you can do anything!
11. Universal Vitamin (or World Freshner) - The product that heals all
four corners of the earth!
12. BLAF - a hundred uses... literally !
13. Dark Bulb - the device that makes a room DARKER when you turn it on!
14. The sealed box - save something for a zillion years! It's FUN!
--------------------------------
Subject: Buy MORE devices for sale!
From: clavis@phantom.com (J. Victor Stark)
: 1. "Answering Service" - Voradk, Bearer of all knowledge, answers any
: question! Yes, Voradk, who has the answer to every question WRITTEN DOWN
: somewhere in his palatial 1-bedroom apartment, will find the paper that
: has the question YOU ASK! ASK AWAY!!!
As the story goes, Voradk somehow asked for "total knowledge" and got it.
He went a bit goony for a while, but knew that if he wrote a fact down,
he'd forget it (how did he know? HE KNEW EVERYTHING, REMEMBER?), so he
frantically began to write down everything he could. He's still writing,
but he's gotten enough of the BIG stuff on paper and out of his head
already, so he's easier to talk to. He's the only person I know who gets
easier to talk to every time I call him. If you ask him a question
(through me: he knows I'm easy to talk to, and don't ask many questions),
he'll look it up. During the last couple of years, he's started actually
organizing himself, but since it's hard to organize when you forget
anything you document, but don't forget the FACT of its existance unless
you write THAT down too, he's not had it easy. Computer input doesn't
remove the info from his head, so although he can't pull the FACTS
THEMSELVES out of his skull by data-entrying them, he CAN keep his filing
and indicing system on TABs. He's a weird guy. Originally called himself
DVORAK after the keyboard, but too many people connected him with the
composer instead, so he changed it to Voradk (pron. VOR - at- K`. )
: 2. LP2CD - converts records into CD's, but you gotta BREAK the record first!
Both versions of this device melt the record itself down and use it to
mold the CD. It digitally stores all the info while it makes the
"transfer". It's just that the newer one (current one) was made to take
in pieces of the record, rather than the whole thing. It makes it easier
to store and transport, since it doesn't have to be 11" wide. It isn't.
: 3. Clavimeter - reads the psychic "resonance" and ID pattern of keys!
You already know about this, right? Living creatures give off an aura;
the aura creats standing "wave" patterns in solid material, especially in
times of emotion; light homogenous metal takes the pattern the best; keys
are the only light, thick, metal items carried regularly by most people.
This device reads the pattern residue left in the key and tells you a bit
about the person. Mostly math, really. Still...
: 4. EZ (Electric Zen) Generator - simulates and STimulates "satori"!
This is old news, too: Zen buddhists became one with the universe by
getting their brains to sync up with the "ley lines" of the planet. This
device generates a simulated ley line wherever you are, so you don't have
to change your brains alpha wave reception % or move to a mountain in
Tibet. Those guys have it easy and HARD. You just got it easy.
: 5. Dream Machine aka Brainbox - dream while awake! Fly! Fuck! Do it all
: while sitting down!
Once again, old nooz: This device stimulates the section of your brain
that controls dreaming, and activates it and feeds it data such that your
brain will "perform" for you while you are still awake to enjoy it. Lots
of expansion chips, dual mode... hell, you can use this thing on the
subway! (Or bus, or whatever)...
: 6. "The HOMO SAPIENS manual" - learn to sneeze with your eyes open, and
: run around a building 3 times while NOT thinking of the word "elephant"!
We're pretty proud of this one. We're not sure if a few of the detailed
intruction chapters won't work for all models, but the BOS (Brain
Operating System) is bitchin. C:\MED> CH (Change hemisphere).
: 7. Rust Farm - Grow rust from a tiny bearing-seed, in your own
: emulsion-like "soil"!
This is a cute desktop item. Great for the kids. It's like Sea monkeys,
only industrial. Mine is a beautiful blood-red at this point. And I'M
using a pachino ball!
: 8. InfoStix - store ANY amount of information in a rod half the length of
: a pencil!
Here's the deal: any amount of data can be represented as a series of
numbers, right? 394586723945867293845 etc. So take that number and
re-write it as a decimal, like this: 3.94586723... etc. Then have that
number be the number of inches in length of a given item, like one of our
infostix!! Simple, eh? OMNI said it couldn't be done, but we have a
unique chemical composition that makes our InfoStix HEAVY!!! but well
worth it, when you consider the number crunching... no magnets! No heat!
Just good old-fashioned length!
: 9. Gremlin Ball -manipulates the causality of nearby machinery, with
: catastrophic results!
We'd tell %#354 you how $#%&^@ this ~! one w^&$(rfsdks , BUTu U$r
syS{tem= doesn'Y APA+%^ TY TO BE B WORi94k GIngg.g.aw#$&2351``
: 10. Focus Placebos (aka "Black Feathers") - The product that makes you
: think you can do anything!
We think these are great birthday presents. Designed to look impressive,
these babies (nicknamed "Black Feathers" after the same item used to give
Dumbo the confidence to fly in the movie of the same name) are guaranteed
to have 0% effect on ANYTHING! You can convice people that they are good
luck charms, love effectors, etc., and the POS field (Power Of
Suggestion) will do the rest! Good luck!
: 11. Universal Vitamin (or World Freshner) - The product that heals all
: four corners of the earth!
This is our first offering from our exclusive EnviRonMental line: It's
actually four quadrospheres stuck loosely together. One is a white,
extremely airy substance, like mothballs. You take this and tie it to a
helium balloon (a special biodeg one, provided) and let it go: it
dissolves in the atmosphere... One is a blue, heavy, waxy kinda thing:
dump it in the nearest deep natural water. Watch it sink. It dissolves at
a low-enough depth... One is a green, clay-like blob: bury it at LEAST 3
feet down. The soil gradually breaks it down... One is a red, wood-pulp
material. Burn it. We're not sure WHAT it does.... APPARENTLY, these
chemicals all work together to do lots of great stuff to the planet. We
get these from a very secretive gentleman. He insists he's helping, but
we're checking with Voradk, just in case...
: 12. BLAF - a hundred uses... literally !
This stuff is awesome. We don't know what it is, but in terms of
versatility, it makes silly putty look like dogshit. It's non-toxic: in
fact, it's delicious. It's healthy, and ... whatever you DO to it changes
it's characteristics and its properties. A can of this crap comes with a
115-page booklet listing all the stuff we KNOW it can do. This earlier
nuts' brother makes this. We assume this is safe, too...
: 13. Dark Bulb - the device that makes a room DARKER when you turn it on!
Acts like a black hole, but only affecting high-end energy: that is, it
sucks in light, but nothing that is "easier" to suck in, so all the
matter, etc. stays where it is. If you feel tired, turn it off. Don't
touch it.
: 14. The sealed box - save something for a zillion years! It's FUN!
Hand-made by suckers and Alpha Primitives, these foot-wide (at least)
boxes are layer-upon-layer of wacky materials and substances designed to
make the central "item" IMPOSSIBLE to get to in under an hour. And if
you hide or
bury it... FORGET IT. It'll outlive you, come hell or high water... Fun
to put something in it (since WE seal the boxes, you have to send us the
item and give us a coupla weeks...) and get it back and TRY to open it in
under an hour. If you can, congratuations. I hope you and the TNT are
very happy...
Well, that's it for now! Curious? Send a SASE to:
O.L.I.N.Y.K.
P.O. Box 2559
Grand Central Station
New York, NY 10163-2559
And KEYS sent along (the weirder the better) will facilitate the transfer!
Clavis aka The GRAND CLAVISTER
loves each and every one of you...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Re: Shampoo commercials
From: i.stang@metronet.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.tape-trading,alt.video.tape-trading,alt.tv.commercials,alt.slack,alt.sex.fetish.hair
clavis@phantom.com (Grand Clavister) wrote:
> If anyone out there has shampoo commercials (women, men, children, I
> don't care: this is for SCIENCE!!!), either compiled from ad agencies or
> from one's own dillegence, or even may have a few scattered in between
> old TV shows you have on videotape: I am looking for shampoo or
> bubble-bath commercials from between 1975-1990. Anything later than that
> and I can't use it. The more lather the better.
Clavister, you PERVERT!! "For SCIENCE" my eye! I can't speak for Dobbs,
but I would CERTAINLY THINK he'd DRAW THE LINE at you fuckin'
LATHOSEXUALS.
Seems like you could have come up with a less OBVIOUS cover story.
If you get any of the GOOD kind, wink wink, you know what to do.
-------------------------------------
Paraboxes
From: clavis@phantom.com (Grand Clavister)
Date: 26 Apr 1995 08:48:27 GMT
Newsgroups:
alt.slack,alt.discordia,alt.stupidity,alt.shenanigans,alt.locksmithing
I am finally proud to introduce yet another marvelous addition to the
active catalog of O.L.I.N.Y.K. products and services for sale (in this
case, BOTH!) (known to many as The Di-Rectory):
the PARABOX.
Yes, now, and almost forever, a treasured item or transcribable idea can
be put into and sealed within a specially-designed, unique, and
wonderfully secure package. A series of layers of protective material
surrounds the object (a ring? a crucifix? a $1 bill?) in increasing walls
of security, until the item is transformed into a quixotic, heavy,
inexplicable box! It's a PARABOX! It's fun! It's cheap! It's completely
pointless!!
Objects are/can be protected from: water, fire, heat, cold, shock,
magnetism, radiation, and especially SPIRITUAL ATTACK! It's part
time-capsule, part safe-deposit-box, part reliquary, part
message-in-a-bottle, part puzzle, part waste-of-time, and ALL O.L.I.N.Y.K.!!!
Order one TODAY! Prices vary according to the size of the original object
and the desired final diameter of the Parabox! Guaranteed to be really
difficult, but FUN, to open! Why? WHY NOT? Write to the below address for
free information... on second thought, send a SASE or keys or $1 or
something! Argle bargle!
the Grand Clavister
(who uses nothing that will be dangerous after he's done with it!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
FOR A DI-RECTORY OF DEVICES, PRODUCTS AND SERVICES, SEND $1 to O.L.I.N.Y.K.,
P.O. BOX 2559, GRAND CENTRAL STATION, NEW YORK NY 10163-2559. SENDING ONE OR
MORE KEYS WILL MEAN MORE STUFF. A LARGE SASE WILL NET YOU SOME CRAP AS WELL.
THE GRAND CLAVISTER OF NYC IS THE FIRST G.C. OF THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Original file name: Grand Clavister
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