Hi Rev! In reference to your CD-ROM thingy project... You must have
something in mind and I don't want to pester you with needless advice.
However, if you aren't in contact with a software developer already,
then you should get in contact with the debauched blashemer
SurfBoy@aol.com
who has written several irreligous programs for the Mac.
NOTE FROM STANG: The fine "Kill "Bob"" game described below is NOT the same as the fine KILL "BOB" game by John Marshall which is downloadable from here at SUBsite ("Bob's" Slacktime Funhouse section).
_______________________________________________________________________________
From: SmurfBoy@aol.com
Yes, that's right. I'm the guy who wrote MacJesus, Mormonoids, etc.
Frankly, whether or not your PowerMac can read the MacJesus disk is a moot
point. The odds of a PowerMac running MacJesus are about the same as getting
a handjob at a funeral. Not to worry though. Just send the disk to the
address listed in the propaganda below and I'll send you something that will
run on your PowerMac that will help you in your time of darkness. Rupture
the Rapture is a good anti-christian game, how about that? Actually, I just
started the rewrite of MacJesus (MacJesus ProGold: The Second Coming), but
it's going to be several months before it's ready.
Hope to hear from you soon,
RC
LAMPREY SYSTEMS
"Software That Sucks!"
P.O. Box 2761
Borah Station
Boise, ID 83701
Voice / Fax 208-338-4301
Private Idaho BBS 208-338-9227
FTP Site: ftp://thelonious.mit.edu/pub/Mac_stuff/
NOTE: Please make all checks and money orders payable to:
"Robert Carr"
LET THE RANTS BEGIN...
*************************************************
*** Recession-Ready "LEECH PAKS" Ride To The Rescue! ***
*************************************************
Well, the go-go years of the '80's have pretty much gone-gone,
and you've more than likely lost your job down at the S & L...
Unemployment means less money for the important things in
life like illicit drugs, jumper cables and even recreational
software.
We here at LAMPREY SYSTEMS are not insensitive to the
heartrending plight of Yuppie scum, like yourself, who perhaps
overextended themselves from one-too-many coke-induced
Cable Shopping Network buying sprees. Damn... who would
have ever guessed that the bottom would drop out of the
Potbellied Pig Market?
In order to take your mind off those long waits in line down at
the unemployment office, LAMPREY SYSTEMS is offering "LEECH
PAKS" for the stupidly low price of $30. Each "LEECH PAK"
contains the four most popular LAMPREY games, "Mormonoids
From The Deep, F*CK'EM!, Rupture The Rapture, and Porno Writer 3.0" If
purchased separately these
games would cost you $50, but now you can get them for less
than what you paid for a plate of dead, raw fish before you
became Less Than Zero.
Now not only can the wolf be at your door, but the LAMPREY can
be in your Macintosh.
Order now while you still have an address...
Send your cash or checks (no food stamps, please) to:
Robert Carr
P.O. Box 2761, Borah Station
Boise, Idaho 83701
*************************************************
SHORT DESCRIPTIONS OF PROGRAMS CURRENTLY AVAILABLE
--------------------------------------------------------
Name: Mormonoids From The Deep 1.25
Format: WorldBuilder
Description: Armed only with a .45 automatic and suitcase
nuke you must destroy the evil YogSogSmith and
rescue Unwholesome Olson before sobering up.
Requirements: Will run on most new Macs using System 7.X if
the 32-bit addressing is disabled. (This can be
done by opening the Control Panel DA and
selecting the "Memory" user item.)
Ideal Environment: Mac Plus, SE, SE/30, II or Classic using
System 6.X
Price: $10
--------------------------------------------------------
Name: MacSpudd! 1.0
Format: WorldBuilder
Description: Drive your Armored Potato Transport Vehicle
across a blasted landscape populated by mutant
jackalopes, Aryan Yuppies, and cattle mutilating
space aliens. Remain cheerful, lest a bad
attitude cause your IntraCranial Detonator to
implode.
Requirements: Will run on most new Macs using System 7.X if
the 32-bit addressing is disabled. (This can be
done by opening the Control Panel DA and
selecting the "Memory" user item.)
Ideal Environment: Mac Plus, SE, SE/30, II or Classic using
System 6.X
Price: $13
--------------------------------------------------------
Name: Porno Writer 2.0
Format: WorldBuilder
Description: Randomly writes satirical Penthouse Forum-style
letters. Sidesteps the question of obscenity by
going directly to the impossible.
Requirements: Will run on most new Macs using System 7.X if
the 32-bit addressing is disabled. (This can be
done by opening the Control Panel DA and
selecting the "Memory" user item.)
Ideal Environment: Mac Plus, SE, SE/30, II or Classic using
System 6.X
Price: $5
--------------------------------------------------------
Name: MacJesus: Your Personal Savoir On A Floppy Disk.
Format: HyperCard 1.2.2
Description: Sort of an evil expert system that features an
animated Jesus who snorts, spits and has a nasty
nicotine habit. This maybe the most despised
Macintosh program ever written.
Requirements: Requires HyperCard 1.2.2 (Cannot not be
upgraded to HyperCard 2.X) and a Macintosh
capable of running System 6.X
Ideal Environment: Mac Plus, SE, SE/30, II or Classic using
System 6.X
Price: $10
--------------------------------------------------------
Name: F*CK 'EM!
Format: HyperCard 2.1
Description: Move your penis around a maze while having sex
with just about anything it is physically possible
to have sex with; and evade ex-wives, your parole
officer and Elvis Impersonators.
Requirements: HyperCard 2.1 or greater.
Ideal Environment: Operates with both System 6.X and System
7.X on any Mac from the SE on up.
Price: $15
--------------------------------------------------------
Name: Kill Bob
Format: FutureBasic
Description: Shoot the bouncing Dobbsheads and steal SLACK
from Bob. Score over 100,000 and receive
unlimited SLACK for life.
Requirements: System 6.05 or greater
Ideal Environment: Operates with both System 6.X and System
7.X on any Mac from the Plus on up.
Price: Free - Available on AOL and Private Idaho BBS
--------------------------------------------------------
Name: Geraldo-Matic
Format: HyperCard 1.2.2
Description: Have a trash TV interview with host Geraldo
Reararea.
Requirements: HyperCard 1.2.2 or greater - Can be upgraded to
HyperCard 2.X
Ideal Environment: Operates with both System 6.X and System
7.X on any Mac from the Plus on up.
Price: Free - Available on Private Idaho BBS 208-338-9227
--------------------------------------------------------
Name: Ed Norton Utilities
Format: Think C 5.02
Description: Bills itself as "the most powerful Macintosh
diagnostic tool in the Universe"... yeah, right.
Requirements: None
Ideal Environment: Will run on any Macintosh, including the
128K and 512K.
Price: Free - Available on Private Idaho BBS 208-388-9227
--------------------------------------------------------
Name PGP 3 (Pretty Good Pornography)
Release Date: 8-1-94
Description: All new version of my popular Porno Writer
program. Much faster and powerful than the
original Porno Writer.
Requirements: System 6.05 or greater
Ideal Environment: Operates with both System 6.X and System
7.X on any Mac from the Plus on up.
Price: $10 if purchased through snail mail
Free for downloading from Private Idaho BBS
--------------------------------------------------------
Name Rupture The Rapture
Release Date: 12-25-94
Description: Save the universe by destroying Christians
with a railgun.
Requirements: System 6.05 or greater
Ideal Environment: Operates with both System 6.X and System
7.X on any Mac from the Plus on up.
Price: $15 if purchased through snail mail
$ Equivalent of one hour's wages for shareware fee
--------------------------------------------------------
NOW AVAILABLE IN THE LAMPREY SYSTEMS SECTION
OF PRIVATE IDAHO BBS
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
MACINTOSH SOFTWARE SINKS TO NEW DEPTHS OF DEPRAVITY
BOISE, ID -- October 1, 1993 -- In spite of a chorus of public outcry and
several postal boxes worth of death threats, Lamprey Systems today announced
the release of its F*CK 'EM! arcade game.
The HyperCard-based game, which could be described as a "Spur Posse" for
the Mac, involves maneuvering a penis through an X-rated maze while scoring
points for having sex with with an assortment of unlikely partners such as
sheep, latex love dolls and knotholes. In addition the player must evade
ex-wives, bill collectors, illegitimate children and the AIDS virus. Extra
points are awarded for substance abuse and aborting babies with clothes
hangers.
Lamprey Systems founder, Robert Carr said, "F*CK'EM! is a new low for
Macintosh software. If my earlier games "Mormonoids From The Deep" and
"MacJesus: Your Personal Savior On A Floppy Disk" dwell in the basement of
BAD TASTE, then F*CK EM! resides in the sub-basement!"
F*CK 'EM! is compatible with both System 6 and 7. It requires a Mac Plus
or higher, HyperCard 2.1 or HyperCard Player 2.1, 2 megabytes free RAM and a
warped sense of humor. Thorazine optional.
F*CK 'EM! is for sale to ADULTS ONLY. Sale or exposure to minors or
Mormons is prohibited.
--------------------------------------------------------
*** WORLD DOOMED!!! PGP 3 RELEASED ***
In yet another sign of the impending apocalypse, Lamprey Systems today
announced the release of PGP 3 (Pretty Good Pornography 3.0).
The program, a major upgrade of Lamprey Systems' Porno Writer 2.0, randomly
produces Penthouse Forum-type letters ranging in content from the merely
obscene to the patently absurd. Users select from any of the nine
storylines, supplying names, sex acts and other incriminating information to
produce professional quality erotica. PGP 3 represents a major breakthrough
in DTP (Desk Top Pornography).
When asked to comment on the release of PGP 3, Lamprey Systems founder Robert
Carr replied, "This software wasn't released - it ESCAPED!"
PGP 3's group of prestigious beta testers supplied these comments:
"Sure it was degrading to women, but sometimes I like to be
degraded."
- Catharine Mackinnion
"More fun than shooting your wife in the head...maybe."
- William S. Burroughs
"Al didn't understand a lot of it, but Bill did."
- Tipper Gore
"Made me try to remove my stitches with my teeth!"
- John Bobbit
PGP 3 requires Mac Plus or higher with 2 megabytes of free RAM and System
6.05 or higher.
PGP 3 may be obtained from the Lamprey Systems file area of Private Idaho BBS
(208.338.9227) or ordered directly from
Lamprey Systems by sending a check or money-order for $10 payable to "Robert
Carr" to:
Lamprey Systems
P.O. Box 2761
Borah Station
Boise, ID 83701
<-666-666-666-666-666-666-666-666-666-666-666-666->
ELIMINATE THOSE ANNOYING CHRISTIANS FOREVER
WITH
"RUPTURE THE RAPTURE!"
Not a paste! Not a gel! "Rupture The Rapture" contains over one megabyte
of offensive graphics and heinous sound f/x's guaranteed to bring soothing
relief to irritations caused by Christian Fundamentalism or DOUBLE your
religious
persecution back!
STRATEGIC DEFENSE INITIATIVE TECHNOLOGY CHEAP!
"Rupture The Rapture's" patented V.W.A.R.E. (VolksWagen, Accelerator
Railgun-Equipped) weapons system is a state-of-the-art particle
accelerator capable of destroying Soviet SS-20 missiles. Imagine what it
can do the average Heaven-bound Bible-Thumper!
LAUGH AT JEHOVAH!
Or any other deity foolish enough to come into your crosshairs.
YOUR MACINTOSH WANTS YOU TO KILL GOD!
"Rupture The Rapture" runs on any Mac from the Plus to the Power with 2
megabytes of free RAM and using System 6.05 or higher (Including System 7.5).
It supports both monochrome and color Macintoshes; and is guaranteed .05%
venom by-weight.
"Rupture The Rapture" may be obtained from the Lamprey Systems file area of
Private Idaho BBS (208.338.9227) or ordered directly by mail by sending a
check or money-order payable for $15 to "Robert Carr" to:
Robert Carr
P.O. Box 2761
Borah Station
Boise, ID 83701
<-666-666-666-666-666-666-666-666-666-666-666-666->
*************************************************
Private Idaho BBS Threatened By The Forces Of Sweetness & Light!
*************************************************
- Joined In Progress -
... And I can feel them closing in right now. Hordes of Jessie Helms clones
marching lockstep holding a Book Of Mormon in one hand, an Uzi in the other
and the word "Jeezus" written on their foreheads in the blood of illegitimate
babies.
And they're all surrounding Private Idaho with a maloviolent glint in their
eyes and bloody drool seeping from between their asshole-like lips.
That's when I wake up screaming and sporting a dead man's hard-on, and then
I realize that this whole Ministry could be pulled down by the Good People.
The ones who live in well-lighted rooms, keep immaculate lawns and can't
take a shit without a special surgical procedure.
You know the ones I'm talking about -- The ones who want to take away your
Super Soaker. The people who put "Baby On Board" stickers on their cars. The
hellspawn that sponsor public service announcements inflating the dangers of
mixing Pam oven cleaner and Everclear.
But we can still beat them! Your love donation to this Ministry goes
towards purchasing the weapons, alcohol, sex aids and software necessary to
maintain this outpost of deviation in a world menaced by God!
I'm on my knees now, right in front of you, and I'm humilating myself
with...
--Transmission Garbled By Weeping--
*************************************
*** GERALDO-MATIC STACK RELEASED! ***
*************************************
Now even a nobody like you can have your own trash TV
interview with talk show host Geraldo Reararea!
Discuss your drug problems and bizarre sexual appetites in front of millions
of people you don't even know! Spill your guts while plugging your new
miniseries! Share the agony of your latest suicide attempt! Anything goes
with Geraldo-Matic.
Run, don't walk, to download this stack which can save your life!
Original file name: SmurfBoyCatalog
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