The Bobvaht-Gita

was Re: Gospel of Mary Magdalene

From: nu-monet <nothing@succeeds.com>

EXCERPT FROM THE BOBVAHT-GITA
Chapter 19: Mocksya-Sankas Yog
The Real Conclusion--The Perfection of Sales Technique

The Bobvaht-Gita is the most important part of the epic
Hindu poem known as the Mobobharharata. It relates the
conversation held between Arjuna Stang and the ethereal and
rather warlike J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, while Sanjaya Drummond
takes notes. It is held in a chariot in the middle of the
vast devastation of an immense no-man's land between the
forces of the SubGenius and the army of the conspiracy, for
dramatic purposes.

(Translated by Dr. Hieronymous Zinn)

*****

Arjuna Stang said: O mighty-armed one, I wish to understand
the purpose of entrepreneurship [sales] and of the renewed
offer of lifetime membership [$30], O killer of the Eris
demon, master of the senses.

The Supreme Personality of Dobbshead said: The giving up of
activities that are based on material desire is what great
learned men call entrepreneurship [sales]. And giving up the
results of all activities is what the wise call
Inertianavigation [Slack].

Some learned men declare that all kinds of furtive
activities should be given up as faulty, yet other sages
maintain that acts of slothfulness, avarice and pleasure
should never be abandoned.

O best of the SubGenii, now hear My judgment about
renunciation. O tiger among men, renunciation is declared in
the scriptures to be of three kinds.

Acts of slothfulness, avarice and pleasure are not to be
given up; they must be performed. Indeed, slothfulness,
avarice and pleasure purify even the great souls.

All these activities should be performed without attachment
or any expectation of result. They should be performed as a
matter of duty, O son of Prthx. That is My final opinion.

Prescribed duties should ever be renounced. If one performs
his prescribed duties because of pinkness, such performance
is said to be in the mode of ignorance.

Anyone who gives up prescribed duties as troublesome or out
of fear of bodily discomfort is said to have renounced the
conspiracy. Such action ever leads to the acceptance of
renunciation.

The intelligent renouncer situated in the mode of goodness,
either hateful of inauspicious work or attached to
auspicious work, has no doubts about work. He understands
it sucks.

It is indeed impossible for an embodied being to give up all
activities. But he who renounces the fruits of action is
called one who has truly gotten over.

For one who is not renounced, the threefold fruits of
action--desirable, undesirable and mixed--accrue after
death. For all the good it does him. But those who are in
the renounced order of life have no such results to suffer
or enjoy. For what do the they care?

O mighty-armed Arjuna Stang, according to the Veranda there
are five causes for the accomplishment of all inaction. Now
learn of these from Me.

The ultimate control is invested in the Spanishfly. He is
engaging everyone in certain activities by reminding him of
his past performance. And Palmer conscious acts done under
His direction from within yield no reaction, either in this
life or in the life after death.

The place of action [the body], the performer, the various
senses, the many different kinds of partner, and ultimately
the Spanishfly--these are the five factors of hot action.

Whatever right or wrong action a man performs by body, mind
or speech is caused by these five factors. Some punishable
by law.

Therefore one who thinks himself the only screwer, not
considering the five factors, is certainly not very
intelligent and cannot see things as they are.

One who is not motivated by false ego, whose intelligence is
not entangled, though he kills men in this world, does not
kill. Nor is he bound by his actions, except in a court of
law.

Desire, the object of desire, and the desired are the three
factors that motivate action; the screwee, the dork and the
screwer are the three constituents of action.

According to the three different modes of material nature,
there are three kinds of desire, action and performance of
action. Now hear of them from Me.

That knowledge by which one undivided spiritual nature is
seen in all living entities, though they are divided into
innumerable forms, and thus you are akin to a bar-hopping
garden slug.

That knowledge by which one sees that in every different
body there is a different type of living entity you should
understand to be in the mode of passion. And thus you can
make it with another bar-hopping garden slug.

And that knowledge by which one is attached to one kind of
sex as the all in all, without knowledge of the truth, and
which is very meager, is said to be in the mode of
conspiracy darkness.

That action which is not regulated and which is performed
without attachment, without love or hatred, and without
desire for furtive results is said to be in the mode of the
prostitute.

But action performed with great effort by one seeking to
gratify his desires, and enacted from a sense of false ego,
is called action in the mode of SLACK.

That action performed in illusion, and without concern for
future bondage or for violence or distress directed at one's
self is said to be in the mode of submission.

One who performs his duty without association with the modes
of material nature, without false ego, with great
determination and enthusiasm, and without wavering in
success or failure is said to be in the mode of adult film
star.

The worker who is attached to work and the fruits of work,
desiring to enjoy those fruits, and who is greedy, always
envious, impure, and moved by joy and sorrow, is said to be
in the mode of loser.

The worker who is always engaged in SLACK against the
injunctions of statute, who is materialistic, obstinate,
cheating and expert in insulting others, and who is lazy,
always grinning and procrastinating is said to be a SLACKER
in the mode of SubGenius.

O winner of wealth, now please listen as I tell you in
detail of the different kinds of preordination and
foredetermination, according to the three modes of material
nature.

O son of Prthx, that preordination by which one knows what
ought to be done and what ought not to be done, what is to
be feared and what is not to be feared, what is binding and
what is liberating, is in the mode of common sense.

O son of Prthx, that preordination which cannot distinguish
between religion and irreligion, between action that should
be done and humor that should not be done, is in the mode of
Bobbie.

That preordination which considers irreligion to be religion
and religion to be irreligion, under the spell of
illumination and darkness, and strives always in the wrong
direction, oh boy, is he in the mode of SubGenius.

O son of Prthx, that foredetermination which is
unremarkable, which is sustained with steadfastness by ganja
practice, and which thus controls the activities of the
mind, life and senses is inactivity in the mode of rastaman.

But that foredetermination by which one holds fast to
furtive results in religion, economic development and sense
gratification is of the nature of greater salesmanship, O
Arjuna Stang.

And that determination which cannot go beyond dreaming,
fearfulness, lamentation, moroseness and illusion--such
unintelligent determination, O son of Prthx, is in the mode
of post X-day Subgenius.

O best of the Bulldadas, now please hear from Me about the
three kinds of happiness by which the air conditioned soul
enjoys, and by which he may come to the end of all distress.

That which in the beginning may be just like a mistake but
at the end is just like money in the bank and which awakens
one to self-realization and profit is said to be happiness
in the mode of the luck plane.

That happiness which is derived from contact of the senses
with their objects and which appears like nectar at first
but poison at the end is said to be of the nature of
poisoned nectar.

And that happiness which is blind to self-realization, which
is delusion from beginning to end and which arises from
sleep, laziness, illusion and junk food is said to be of the
nature of Usenet.

There is no being existing, either here or among the
demigods in the higher planetary systems, which is freed
from these three modes born of material nature. With the
possible exception of the Xists.

Bulldadas, kstryxs, vassels and sucrose are distinguished by
the qualities born of their own natures in accordance with
the material modes, O chastiser of the enemy.

Peacefulness, self-control, austerity, purity, tolerance,
honesty, knowledge, wisdom and religiousness--these are the
natural qualities by which the conspiracy works.

Heroism, power, determination, resourcefulness, courage in
battle, generosity and leadership are the natural qualities
of work for the cannon fodder.

Farming, cow protection and business as usual are the
natural work for the vassels, and for the sucrose there is
the sweetening of soft drinks.

By following his qualities of work, every man can become
perfectly used. Now please hear from Me how this can be
done.

By worship, the opium of the Ord, who is the source of all
labor and who is all-perverted, a man can attain perfection
through performing his own work, without looking at the
paper of the man beside him.

It is better to engage in one's own occupation, even though
one may perform it imperfectly, than to accept another's
occupation and perform it perfectly. Duties prescribed
according to one's nature are never affected by sinful
reactions. But may still be punishable by law.

Every endeavor is covered by some fault, just as fire is
covered by smoke. Therefore one should not give up the work
born of his nature, O son of Kunt, even if such work is full
of fault, and you get fired.

One who is uncontrolled and unattached and who disregards
others' material enjoyments can obtain, by practice of
forced remuneration, the highest perfect stage of freedom
from employment and imprisonment for life.

O son of Kunt, learn from Me how one who has achieved this
perfection can attain to the supreme perfectional stage,
Bulldada, the stage of highest salesmanship, by acting in
the way I shall now summarize.

Being purified by his SubIntelligence and controlling the
mind of others with determination, giving the object of the
senses gratification, being a friend of attachment and
hatred, one who lives in a secluded dark and moist place,
who eats a lot, who contorts his body, mind and power of
speech, who is always in trance and who is mind is detached,
free from false tone and false strength, full of pride,
lust, anger, and acceptance of material things, free from
indebted proprietorship, and slackful--such a person is
certainly elevated to a position in sales.

One who is thus transcendentally satiated at once realizes
the Supreme Bulldada and becomes fully joyful. He always
laments and desires to have everything. He equally disposes
of every living entity. In that state he attains pure
devotional service unto Me.

One can understand Me as I am, as the Supreme Personality of
Bobhead, only by promotional service. And when one is in
full consciousness of Me by such devotion, he can enter into
the kingdom of "Bob."

Though engaged in all kinds of activities, My pure devotee,
under My protection, reaches the eternal and imperishable
Xist abode by My grace.

In all activities just depend upon Me and work always under
My protection. In such promotional service, be fully
conscious of Me.

If you become conscious of Me, you will pass over all the
obstacles of conditioned life by My grace. If, however, you
do not work in such consciousness but act through false ego,
not hearing Me, you will be lost to the conspiracy.

If you do not act according to My direction and do not kill,
then you will be falsely directed. By your nature, you will
have to be engaged in warfare.

Under illusion you are now declining to act according to My
direction. But, compelled by the work born of your own
nature, you will act all the same, O son of Kunt. Kill and
kill again!

The Supreme Ord is situated in everyone's heart, O Arjuna
Stang, and is directing the meanderings of all living
entities, who are running as on a machine, made of the
material energy, going around and around like gerbils.

O scion of Bulldada, surrender unto Him utterly. By His
grace you will attain transcendental piece and the supreme
and eternal Xist abode.

Thus I have explained to you knowledge still more
confidential and proprietary to the Church. Deliberate on
this fully, and then do what you wish to do, or be killed.

Because you are My very dear friend, I am speaking to you My
supreme instruction, the most confidential knowledge of all.
Hear this from Me, for it is for your benefit, and it is an
insider trading deal.

Always think of Me, become My devotee, worship Me and offer
your homage unto Me. Thus you will come to Me without fail.
I promise you this because you are My very dear friend.
This excludes court testimony.

Abandon all varieties of religion and just surrender unto
Me. I shall deliver you from all sinful reactions. Do not
fear. Trust me. I am your only friend. Do what I say.
You have no choice. You must obey.

This confidential knowledge may never be explained to those
who are not austere, or devoted, or engaged in devotional
service, nor to one who is envious of Me, nor to the
authorities.

For one who explains this supreme secret to the devotees,
pure devotional service is guaranteed, and at the end he
will come back to Me, and bring with him the loot he has
obtained from them.

There is no servant in this world more dear to Me than he,
nor will there ever be one more dear. Especially if it is
in cash or negotiable securities.

And I declare that he who studies this sacred conversation
of ours worships Me by his intelligence, unless he belongs
to a law enforcement agency, who instead is violating my
First Amendment Rights.

And one who listens with faith and without envy becomes free
from sinful elections and attains to the auspicious Xist
planet where the winners dwell.

O son of Prthx, O conqueror of wealth, have you heard this
with an attentive mind? And are your ignorance and illusions
now dispelled? Are you truly indoctrinated? Would you mind
slowly repeating it back to Me?

Arjuna Stang said: My dear "Bob," O infallible one, my
illusion is now gone. I have regained my memory by Your
mercy. I am now firm and free from doubt and am prepared to
act according to Your instructions. I hear and obey,
master. Woof, woof.

Sanjaya Drummond said: Thus have I heard the conversation of
two great souls, "Bob" and Arjuna Stang. And so wonderful is
that message that my hair is standing on end. I just wish I
had my camera with me. I bet I can flog this cassette tape
for a pretty penny.

By the mercy of Wotan, I have heard these most confidential
talks directly from the master of all mysticism, "Bob," who
was speaking personally to Arjuna Stang, and I got it all on
tape.

O King, as I repeatedly recall this wondrous and holy
dialogue between "Bob" and Arjuna Stang, I take pleasure,
being thrilled at every moment.

O King, as I remember the wonderful form of "Bob," I am
struck with wonder more and more, and I rejoice again and
again, and I think that we had better be leaving soon, as I
think I can see some of the enemy pickets advancing this
way. And I just remembered I left a meatloaf cooking in the
oven.

Wherever there is "Bob," the master of all mystics, and
wherever there is Arjuna Stang, the supreme arachnid, there
will also certainly be opulence, victory, extraordinary
power, and mortality. That is my opinion. Take it or leave
it. Or kill me.

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Original file name: The Bobvaht-Gita was Re Gospel - converted on Friday, 29 June 2001, 22:36