No, no, no, no, fuck NO. That's all wrong. I remember the whole thing--here, finally, is how Rev. Sheldon der Wehr really died:
The watercolored panorama of desolation and destruction panned to the left, just as Shel-Don's cel scrolled to the right. His darkly inked cape fluttered in the wind, failing to hide the carefully pencilled deltoids and biceps which comprised much of the character's bulk.
The camera cut to a shot of his darkly handsome face, from a low enough angle to properly catch the fullness of his jaw, punctuated by a coiled mass of red and brown hair descending from his chin. His mustache was groomed Mongol-fashion, in spite of his Masonic regalia. Despite the fires burning deep in the thick clouds above, not a drop of perspiration appeared on his anime face.
He smirked. He quietly guffawed. He sneered.
The next shot showed what he was looking at--the sign that read "Coke Adds Life", painted in the blood of his enemies. The sign served as a grisly reminder to the survivors that not even cheap Conspiracy pleasures such as a cold soda would be had here. This was truly the World Without Slack, and Dred Lord Shel-Don was proud of his handiwork.
This time Shel-Don's chest could be seen--large, powerful, dressed in the coat of a Most Worshipful Master. Instead of the officer's jewel, however, a patch of fur hung from a gold chain. Shel-Don absently stroked the fur, and recalled the fight with Ster'No. That, he thought to himself, was good sport--he earned the beard he ripped from his dead foe's face.
He had missed fighting. The vast majority of his conquest was done without effort. All he had to do was flash his Gold Card of Retribution, and no person or organization could resist. Dallas had fallen in moments, it seemed. Shel-Don thought of the humor of watching Wi-Lo Dahbz and Tree X'ter Sham Ang fighting on the same side for once, blasting round after round from their useless Czech rifles. The bullets were simply absorbed into Shel-Don's endless financial resources--joined by the guns, then the defenders. Sta'N'g got it all on video, but he'd never use the footage, now that there were no VCRs left. With Dallas' collapse, Shel-Don turned his focus on the rest of the world. City after city, both Conspiracy and SubGenius were demolished by Shel-Don's buying power.
Only the most powerful mutants could resist his value, and one by one he brought them down as well. Pal-Mer was locked forever in a vault, forced to watch Saturday Night Live and MTV reruns in endless horror. Ji-Ji Gor-Don was buried in an ice cave in Antarctica, his only companions being an army of chupacabras with nothing to do. Dahveed May 'Ahr became a zombie slave, force-feeding ancient cans of vienna sausages to the remaining resistance. Nens Lo and his once mighty Master Control were damned to the bottom of a toxic ocean, surviving only by the grace of the gills Shel-Don had painfully grafted to Nens' buttocks.
Now Shel-Don cocked his head back and laughed as only a underpaid gaijin voice-over could laugh--darkly. Victoriously. Gloatingly.
"Turn and face me, Shel-Don."
Shel-Don whirled about, his cape billowingly drawn about him. The camera catches a well-rounded hip with a latex-covered hand resting upon it. The nails, long and deadly sharp, were painted a deep red matched only by the looming cola ad in the distance.
"You!" Shel-Don shouted, his words badly synched with his lips. "I threw you into Jones' Acid Pond myself!"
Li-Lith smiled curtly, her gracefully drawn lines hinting at awesome power.
"Yes, you did. And for a while I thought it would be either 'She ain't got no legs' or 'It ain't got no face'. Lucky for me, you don't know what's at the bottom of the pond.
"I found the Doorway to Doom down there, Shel-Don. The other side of the door, that is. Now I have the girl, and the gun, and the diamonds, and the map, and the Pils."
Li-Lith reached for the hilt at her side.
"And I have... this!"
With a ka-ching Li-Lith whipped out a long, broad pipe made of Damascus steel.
Shel-Don laughed again, this time in better sync. "No mere pipe can stop me, Li-Lith. Your fate is yet again in my hands."
"This is no mere pipe, Shel-Don. This is Death Frappie 999." Ominous music flared upwards as the camera panned onto the gleaming tip of the pipe. Wisps of purple smoke formed daggers to slice at the animator's eyes.
A hint of worry showed in Shel-Don's face. Then he guffawed wickedly.
"Even if you could smoke it all, Li-Lith, do you think your stale 'frop can stop me from buying you out, too? Look about you!"
The camera swept over the masses of thigh bones lashed together to form golden arches; television sets made of rib cages in pawn shops run by pock-ridden corpses; derelict demons huddling under newsskins, smoking adrenaline glands; parking meters fashioned from skulls; buses powered by clean, efficient human fat.
"Will you save this world, Li-Lith? I have destroyed not a thing. I have only revealed its true face. Now this planet is nearly perfect. Perfect, save that you still breathe. But I will soon correct even that!"
"Do you think the Xists will let you keep buying forever, Shel-Don? You are a fool! Your card is near its limit. And so is your reign of terror."
With a powerful toke Li-Lith set the end of the pipe aflame. She exhaled, then smiled--her teeth making the same ka-ching as the pipe as the blackened sun glinted off them.
"I have come to collect your debts, Shel-Don! 'Bob' will use me as an instrument of death. 'Bob' will kill through me. And I will make you an artwork of my own."
"'Bob' will not hear your prayers, Li-Lith. Only your screams."
A flick of Shel-Don's wrist produces the Gold Card of Retribution. A halo of nothingness forms about it, whipping reality into a vortex of annihilation.
Li-Lith gasped briefly but stood her ground, holding the glowing pipe before her.
The two foes stood in battle readiness as the background music created a palpable tension. The two heads faced one another, bent at an angle, eyes narrowed.
Shel-Don lept forward, his card clenched in his fist. With a karate yell he unleashed his fist, striking Li-Lith across the cheek. Her skin broke, and a thin line of blood splashed across Shel-Don's knuckles.
As Shel-Don landed on his feet Li-Lith whipped her body, arms extended, into her foe. Death Frappie 999 smashed into his spine; he fell with a grunt. Li-Lith stepped forward, arcing the pipe upwards, and swung down towards Shel-Don's head.
Shel-Don caught Li-Lith's stomach with the tip of one of his many dicks, and she hurtled backwards in agony. Her body hit the ground in slow-motion, and the earth under her cracked open. She rolled over in agony and tried to get up, only to fall back to the ground.
The Dred Lord walked up to the adversary sprawled beneath him. His dicks writhed about the base of his crotch, thickly dribbling with gleet.
"It is a pity this fight ends so soon. But now you die!" With a powerful leap punctuated by sound effects Shel-Don became airborne, reaches a pinnacle, then descended with his many dicks aimed at Li-Lith's upturned buttocks.
At the last moment Li-Lith rolled away. Shel-Don's dicks plunged into the crack in the ground, splitting the earth further. Before Shel-Don could free his dicks, Li-Lith, still laying on the ground, lashed out with her pipe, striking Shel-Don's prostate with the smouldering bowl. For a moment Shel-Don's eyes became round, and he howled in agony. He wrenched his dicks free and straightened his frame, clutching at his rear.
Li-Lith leaped over Shel-Don's head, legs scissoring in mid-flight. She landed several yards away, then slowly turned towards Shel-Don. Her own dicks were now bared, and the largest of the set stood at full erection.
Shel-Don, grimly determined, stood up and faced Li-Lith.
"It ends NOW," Shel-Don barked in defiance.
Without a word, Li-Lith took to the air again, legs pulled up to her chest and with both hands reaching outwards. With a shrill scream she landed on Shel-Don's shoulders, nails buried in his scalp. For a pregnant pause Shel-Don gasps in horror at the erect dick before his eyes. Then Li-Lith screamed again, and lunged forward with her hips. The dick impaled Shel-Don between the eyes, and Shel-Don gasped in mixed pain and ecstasy as his eyes rolled back into his skull.
Dred Lord Shel-Don's once powerful body fell backwards as Li-Lith withdrew her cock from the gaping head wound. She stood over her defeated adversary, blood and grey matter clinging to her shaft. She breathed heavily for a few moments, then swung back with the pipe clenched in both hands.
"Fore!" she called out with all her strength, as the pipe swung down, connected with Shel-Don's head, and whacked it far into the distance. The launched head struck the Chase-Manhattan building that was the source of the Gold Card's power. A glint of light sparked from the impact, then a horrifying explosion rent the building to ash.
And Li-Lith stood, ignoring the blood pooling about her feet, waiting for the Pleasure Saucers to come.
P-Lil
Original file name: The Death of Rev. Sheldon 3
This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.