"The patient is ready for modification, Doktor."
Nurse Libbi glanced at Doktor Phred Armageddon as he
donned his smock and meiter. She stopped the rush of indecent
thoughts that entered her brain, of the two of them using scalpels
and forceps on each other rather than the unconscious person
lying on the table. Such thought made for distractions in the
most critical of times during the operation. This young convert
deserved her full attention while they were opening his third
nostril, not a haphazard slop job due to Libbi's thinking of
other jobs she could perform on the Doktor.
"Ok, Libbi, let's get this done quick and dirty. We've got
to be at the devival in two hours. Stang's expecting a good turnout
since we did that promo work for him last winter."
Doktor Armageddon smiled at her. She wondered if he was thinking
of the same, or at least equally kinky pleasures he could share with her
during the devival's SexHurt rituals. He wiped the sweat from the brow
that had been building up due to the bright lights in the operating room.
He sighed and pulled on the blood-stained rubber gloves. His hazel eyes
blinked a few times, then widened as he made the first incision...
Yesterday, back at Ogyr Network headquarters, $aint @ndrew
had made last minute phone calls to his contacts.
"I don't care what it takes! I want a full cook-out there! Get
Philo on the line..." He tapped his fingers against the flesh-colored desk.
"Philo? Andrew. I want the Corpses here PRONTO, you hear? We've got fifty
thousand people coming to this devival at twenty bucks a head. Stang's
having a shit fit because you and Janor have decided that you're going to
show up late. We already had to cancel the order for free nine-irons to the
first thousand because of the riots in Portland, and it took me three hours
to convince Negativland to get out here when they heard that we could only
supply them with a facsimile of Bono's head for launching. We've got the
line-up finally settled, everything's in order... What? Don't tell me this,
Philo! Listen: It took me three months to set this puppy up... Yes! You'll
make money! Trust me! Look... Yeah, I know that Doktorbands are the hottest
thing on the market now. I know this! I was the one who ran the
Mind-Control program on MWOWM to MAKE it the hottest thing! Yes, it's going
to be bigger than both Woodstocks. Now will you get your ass up here? Ok...
Thank you! Yes, tell the wife I said hello... Right... Fine... "Pyramid
Power" will do nicely as an encore, I'm sure... Good. Great. Wonderful.
Love you, baby. Prabob. Bye."
Andrew hung up the phone and turned to Leyaun, his secretary.
"Give Stang a ring in Dallas and tell him to go ahead and take the flight.
Everybody's on line... And send Sr. Floozy a bouquet of flowers, will you?
Dead ones. Lilies. She loves 'em."
Leyaun nodded and left the office.
Five hours later, Andrew was picking Stang up at O'Hare Airport.
"Hey! Ivan! Over here!" Andrew blew a huge plume of blue-white
smoke from his pipe. Ten people around him staggered from sudden
hallucinations due to the powerful 'frop smouldering inside. He went over
to greet the head of the church. "Everything's going to be OK. It's going
to be the next best thing to the actual X-day party. It's 1997, we have one
year to go, and everything's going according to plan. I assure you, NOTHING
can go wrong."
Stang looked at Andrew suspiciously. "Have you secured the place?
Remember last year, we had confiscated six dozen firearms at the last X-day
devival in Portland, and that's when we had metal detectors. The last thing
we need is some bozo that we forgot to de-program out there taking the
"Or kill me!" rule seriously."
"Stang, darling. It's going to go smooth as blood. We have metal
detectors. We have X-ray walk throughs. We have de-lousing showers for
"Bob"'s sake! I *know* we've become quite the thing. Believe me. The church
has what, over four million registered members right here in America. We
got our dream. The world is under our control, and we can make sure that
it ends properly now. All we have to do is keep in power for one more year,
then the X-ists will come and we'll be on the saucers with "Bob" and
Connie. All this," Andrew waved his hand around, "will be transformed into
paradise."
"Andrew, don't preach to me. I was the one who started the whole
thing, remember?" Ivan put his bags in the back of Andrew's car and lit
a 'frop cigarette. "I just get nervous in front of large crowds. I get
flashbacks to '84. It's just something that I have to deal with."
July 5th, 1997 made Doktor Armageddon wake with a god-like
headache.
"Ach."
He spat into the wastebasket. Next to him Libbi woke up, stretching
her arms and arching her back. She opened her eyes and looked at the Pope
of Chicago and smiled.
"Honey? What time is it?" Libbi rubbed her eyes.
Phred looked at the wall. "Nine thirty... We'd better get ready to
go to work. We have an acubeating at noon and then that third-nostril
job to do at two. Then I think I had better think of something to say for
the devival."
Libbi rolled over to him and touched his side. "Well, it takes
an hour for us to usually make it to the Hospital..." She gently pushed him
on his back and climbed on top of him.
"Well..."
The phone rang. Phred hit the speaker button. Andrew's voice filled
the room.
"Phred! Wake up call. It's nine-fourty and what the hell are you
doing? I thought you were going to come with me down to the stadium to
double check things for the devival tonight?"
"Andrew, I am sure that you as a manly man are quite capable of
doing the preparations part, parcel, and whole by yourself. Besides, I have
work to do at noon."
"Fine. So be it. Look, Stang's in town along with Meyers, Janor,
Onan, Nenslo, Palmer, and Howl. I've got them down at the Hilton. Philo'll
be at O'Hare with the rest of the Corpses in an hour. Do you think you
could be so kind as to pick him up while I go to Midway to help Negativland
and Mark Mothersbaugh?"
"Yeah, sure." Phred glanced down. Libbi continued to do what she
was doing. "Tell them I'm coming." Phred laid his head back on the pillow
as he hung up the phone.
The night was clear and warm. When the sun had set, the stadium was
packed. People lined down Lake Shore Drive for the entire distance that
sound could still be heard. When eight-o-clock came, the lights went out
and the crowd cheered wildly. Pope Dr. Phred Armageddon's eyes blinked from
the light when he greeted the multitude.
"Good evening ladies and gentlemutants. Tonight may I bring you the
pleasure of the latest and greatest of the SubGenius Foundation's devivals:
Chicago SubCon '97!"
The crowd seethed and squirmed. When the lights went on and Janor
started in with "Dobbs Approved", there were four births in the audience.
A man's head exploded when Sterno joined in the chorus. From behind the
stage, Andrew watched and smiled. It was going to be a success.
The night wore on with performances by Mark Mothersbaugh,
Negativland, Silica-Gel, Penal Colony, and Big Poo Generator. In between,
rants were given by Joe Mama, Meyers, Nenslo, Onan, and all the rest.
During a strip tease that Sr. Suzy performed, an over-zealous fan shoved
his way past the bouncers and SLAK guards and got on stage. He ran for Suzy
screaming something about Utah. Suzy took the scimitar from her waist and
decapitated him in one stroke. Janor came out with Stang to perform the
launching. The crowd cheered on.
"Ask "Bob" and He shall provide!" screamed Janor as he hit the head
well into the twenty-third row. The head would be found later hidden
inbetween the breasts of a college student who wanted a souvenier from
the show.
Finally, after the Swinging Love Corpses had played their set,
Stang turned to Andrew.
"Where did Dr. Armageddon go? He's supposed to give the final
blessing!"
"I'm right here," Dr. Armageddon moved out from the shadows. "I
have a great idea..." He showed Andrew and Stang two sets of handcuffs and
a small remote control with a red flashing button on it.
"What the...?" Andrew looked up at Phred.
"I am going to shoot both of you on stage, in front of everyone.
And then I am going to blow up the theater. Since I will be dead along with
everyone else here, I will not be able to stop the TSR program on MWOWM
that will start program "Whoops"..." Phred pulled out a .44 and pointed it
at Andrew and Stang. "You know, the one to trigger a nuclear holocaust and
end the world in case the X-ists *don't* come through next year?"
Stang looked at Andrew. "How did he know about "Whoops"? Who told
him? I sure the hell didn't!"
Phred shook his head sadly. "Stang, you should know better than to
keep your password as "Xandy". Probably every good hacker worth his weight
in motherboards knows your password by now. I was surprised. SubGenius
doesn't necessarily mean 'dumb as a rock'." Phred laughed.
"And now, my dear fellow friends, I suggest we end the show. For
good." Phred waved the gun towards the stage. "After all, the one thing I
always liked about the Church was the notion that we weren't truly a
SubGenius if we didn't want to save the world only to destroy it
ourselves."
The three walked out into the light.
The crowd went wild.
Phred told them what was happening.
The crowd still went wild.
Phred shot Andrew and Stang in the head.
The crowd still went wild.
Phred told them about the remote control.
The crowd thought this was the best and went even wilder.
Phred pressed the button.
The stadium blew up.
At midnight, MWOWM started on project "Whoops".
At 12:30, July 6th, 1997, the world ended.
written by $aint @ndrew 3/31/95
because he was bored. so kill me.
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* OGYR NETWORK | PO BOX 53 | PLAINFIELD, IL. 60544 | $2 CASH FOR SAMPLE *
* saint_andrew@anl.gov | stumattheand@vax.colsf.edu PRAISE "BOB" *
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Original file name: Andrew Hierarchy TALE
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