From: Rev. Ivan Stang
Euclid Tavern Devival, March 3, 2000, with ESO and Cobra Verde, and Rev. Stang and Rev. Still, and Princess Wei on Swag, was so well attended that the bar wants do it again next month! EVERY month! Which is EXCELLENT! A nice dependable monthly "gig" where we can build up a "following" and get "discovered," so we can finally "sell out," "infiltrate the power structure," and "rule/destroy the world."
And best of all, the swag sales were RECORD-BREAKING, which, BELIEVE YOU ME, provided a much-needed PSYCHOLOGICAL as well as financial boost! The last of that line of color "Bob" shirts that included the Italian Cool "Bob" by Funway, and "Waste Helps the Enemy -- GET WASTED," those are pretty much GONE. We unloaded some of our new CDs, and Chas sold ALL of the ESO CDs he brought. With the help of guest swag artist Rev. GORGONZOLA, Princess Wei R. Doe ran the swag table this time, PRAISE her BEAUTIFUL GLOWING EYES!
And BEST of ALL, we got to see our various old and new fellow brethren and sistern from the Tri State Area, whatever that is -- INCLUDING, for the FIRST TIME EVER, FACE TO FACE, MANO A MANO, grappling sweatily in long hot showers of the Astral Plane, HIS HOLINESS THE 8TH ATOM FUNWAY!!!
I TOUCHED THE HEM OF THE PANTS LEG OF THE 8TH ATOM FUNWAY INCARNATE!!
He looked for this incarnation JUST LIKE ANY REGULAR GUY! In fact, in this incarnation, his handsome yet unprepossessing presenceship reminded me of The Swinging Love Corpses sans their hippie wigs -- resembling off duty security guards or perhaps photocopier repairmen.
I *KNEW* OHIO WAS GONNA BE OKAY!!
AND also making it seem like alt.binaries.slack old-home week, MISTER SISTER was there, complete with his mighty DIVERTER SCAR and dead man's neck-bone, a HALE FELLOW WELL MET! AND the great Dr. PissOff was there, and his insane pal Rev. Bone or whatever it is, escorted by Rev. Sulea, and also, the Sexiest Geeks Alive, Armand and Barbie Geddyn, taping the devival for public access TV, AND the show was videotaped by CLEVELAND'S PRE-EMINENT FILM DIRECTOR AUTEUR, JASON LUKIANOWICZ (director of STARSHIP PIDDLYSHITS, one of the funniest independent short subjects I ever SEEN), and the Mightiest of the mighty Akron OverMen were there, REV. TOTH WILDER and that one buddy of his that scared the shit out of me that very first time, years ago, with the BIG KNIFE, and "ANGEL O' DEATH," boys, remember the beautiful naked young girl at X-Day 98 Bruthwood with the Troll doll oracle? And I met a Cleveland all-purpose LAWYER SubGenius, let's hope I never have to use him, and Jacque Treatment and several others dragged their asses all the way in from Michigan (wherever THAT is)... I got to meet the grown GRAND DAUGHTERS of the famous POPE JIMBO, the man who singlehandedly turned Cleveland into Dobbshead Vandalism Capital of the World back in the 80s! The sacred Church TRAVEL AGENT, "JOYCE," attended her very first devival! Electronic musician and pyromaniac RON SLABE came, along with multiple A.C.E. aces and jokers, including archaic medical device collector REV. STEVE CHEKEY and pagan event tracker LARRY CORNETT, and GAIL, who is that GORGEOUS redhead, who happened to be standing right under a bright light while I was preaching, GRINNING and LAUGHING, so she was the main audience member that I vampirized for extra preach-juice during the sermonizing. (When you preach, you try to address everybody, but that's hardly possible, especially if you really DISLIKE a few of them, so sometimes a preacher will unconsciously zero in on a friendly face in the audience and use that one as one of the primary monitor devices for boredom incursions, taste-boundary overstepping, pacing, comprehensibility, and so on. Likewise, there are some SOUR faces that a preacher's eyes soon learn to AVOID, because they taint the pure vibe we seek.)
What else? Who else? God, my mind is still all donky and cronkish from the smoke in the bar and staying up all night. I always wake up after these things with every single muscle aching individually, coughing up gross smokish lunger effluvia, and feeling like I have a hangover... and I don't smoke or drink! (I don't even FROP if I'm preaching.) Wei and I would have loved to invite everybody over for a party afterwards, but this place has gotten even MORE cluttered instead of less, and there ain't hardly room for ONE more person to sit. Even the spare COUCH is covered with piles of STUFF in the process of redistribution.
BUT THERE WAS SLACK!!! OH YES, THERE WAS SLACK!!! It was a good and fun atmosphere and everybody seemed to have a good time. There were no nasty, violent drunks at the show, not one, and the whiny youth who kept whining "BORING!" left early or else shut up after I ranted about the SIN of being BORED in a world where there's so god damned much left to DO. Hmmph.
You know, when you're an ex-drunk teetotaller who works in bars, it's a CHALLENGE to not get that dry-drunk's judgemental attitude. Every single day I have to make the conscious decision to NOT BOTHER to ingest the Master Molecule, even though the Conspiracy has it available at EVERY CORNER STORE, INFINITELY cheaper than POT, and they won't put you in a concentration camp for having over 4 ounces of it. Thus it's hard not to be JEALOUS of my fellow drunks who can still GET drunk, which easily can translate into IMPATIENCE with those who happen to be more fucked up than you are at the time. I would hate to end up acting like some PREACHER or, even worse, an EX-SMOKER, being all holier-than-thou. ENJOY ALL YOUR DOPING AND DRINKING WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE HEALTH FOR IT, I say. Never forget though that the shit IS POISON, by definition, and if you overdo it you WILL both suffer, AND have to quit, or die. And each person has to figure out for itself what "overdoing it" is for them, and I wish all of you luck.
The fact that I am not the only non-smoking smoker and non-drinking beer monster in the Church of the SubGenius makes it a hell of a lot easier to stay that way, though.
But imagine the ones who NEVER DID ANY DRUGS OR DRINK AT ALL. There are quite a few SubGenii who are that way. Imagine how patient THEY have to be. Friday Jones must have said "No, thank you" to me THOUSAND TIMES without ever rolling her eyes in disbelief and consternation. (That I could see anyway.)
THANK YOU *ALL* FOR BEING SO PATIENT!!
And if you weren't, then fuck ya!
OKAY OKAY SLACK SLACK!!! Thanks for coming, everybody! This first Cleveland show after MOVING here could have been a depressing mess, but YOU made it into something GOOD and LUCRATIVE that will happen EVERY DAMN MONTH!
"BOB'S" PROMISE RINGS TRUE!!!
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Original file name: Euclid Tavern 3-3-00 report
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