SOCKS AND VIOLENCE - THE REAL STORY OF REV. PEE KITTY AND X-DAY
::: Tampa Bay Tridenominational Multiclench
::: X minus 4 days, 18 hours, 37 minutes
"This is crazy," Pee Kitty sighed for the eighth time that day. "No
shielding? No Yacatizma fields? Nothing but a low-level cloak? This is one
of the--"
"--most important devices ever created, on or off this planet, in the
history of time," Godfather finished for him. "We know. We've known the
last three times you've brought it up. It's going to work."
"I just don't trust it, is all. Maybe if _I_ wasn't the carrier, I'd be
more at ease."
Betsy looked up from her needles and yarn for a moment, "Pee, you know the
Yists would never suspect this! It's too simple. They only think complex
and scheming--such a simple trick is bound to fool them!"
"I'm not saying it doesn't have merit, just that...ah, forget it. Does
Onan have the fake?"
Rye-Guy and Kriscindy, the two new recruits, both looked up and answered,
"Yup!" at the same time. With a grin, Rye-Guy finished, "We dropped it off
yesterday. It's set up with a full protective Yacatizma matrix, damn near
visible from orbit! They can't miss it."
"They're ready!" Betsy looked up from her finished work with a smile.
Everyone agreed that she had done an amazine job. No one would ever have
suspected that the two multicolored, striped socks she had before her were
actually the primary antennae of the Janor Device.
No one except for the Xists, of course.
And Janor, but that goes without saying.
::: Somewhere in the Solar System
::: X minus 4 days, 18 hours, 32 minutes
The Yist scout looked up from the neural inductive field display. His face
wore an exression that a human could only achieve by microwaving their
head for several minutes, then watching a Teletubbies Marathon. It was,
however, an evil smile.
WE ARE NOT AS EASILY FOOLED AS YOU MIGHT THINK, "SUB-GENIUSES".
It went back into the field, again monitoring every word the unsuspective
Yetinsyny said.
::: Luciferian Liberation Front HQ (Monitor Room)
::: X minus 2 days, 13 hours, 15 minutes
An alarm went off.
An important alarm went off.
An alarm that warned the SubGenii of odd happenings on the Luck Plane went
off.
An alarm specifically designed to watch for increased odds of the presence
of NHGH hisself went off.
Unfortunately, no one was there to see this alarm go off.
::: Somewhere in High Orbit over Earth
::: X minus 2 days, 13 hours, 10 minutes
IT IS DONE.
WILL IT WORK?
OUR CALCULATIONS INDICATE A 94% CHANCE THAT IT WILL. OF COURSE, WITH nhgh
THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR DOUBT. nhgh DOES NOT WORK FOR US, BUT FOR
HISSELF.
THEN HOW IS IT THAT WE CAN SUMMON HISSELF SO EASILY?
HISSELF ALLOWS IT. FORTUNATELY, nhgh LIKES US AND HATES "SUB-GENIUSES".
::: Brushwood Folklore Center
::: X minus 2 days, 3 hours, 52 minutes
Picture, if you will, an announcer with a megaphone, though there was
none. The only sound in reality was a snoring SubGenius and the distant
sounds of pagans drumming.
"LADIES... AND... YETINSYN! STEP RIGHT THIS WAY FOR THE BATTLE OF THE
CENTURY!
"In THIS corner, the all-powerful force of Anti-Slack! That which works
against "Bob" himself! The demiurge and demigod, He Who Destroys, the true
form of Evil.....NHGH!!!
"And in THIS corner, a sleeping, unsuspecting, tired, worn-out-from-way-
too-much-partying, MORTAL SubGenius...Pee Kitty!!!
"Gentlemen, to your corners! Now LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!"
Who would you bet on?
To those of you who said Pee Kitty: Your faith is touching, your naivete
even more so.
::: Somewhere in High Orbit over Earth
::: X minus 1 day, 16 hours, 2 minutes
STATUS REPORT.
WE HAVE CONFIRMED OUR FEARS - nhgh WAS AND IS POWERLESS TO AFFECT THE
ANTENNAE HISSELF. PLAN B HAS BEEN HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL, HOWEVER.
CARRIER STATUS?
FULL SYSTEMIC ASSAULT IN PROGRESS. ALL KEY BIOCHEMICAL SYSTEMS ARE UNDER
ATTACK - SEVERAL ARE ALREADY DESTROYED. FULL SYSTEM SHUTDOWN IMMINENT.
GOOD.
And the face went back to its microwaved/Teletubbies contortion.
::: Westfield Hospital Emergency Room
::: X minus 1 day, 13 hours, 36 minutes
Doctors raced around, yelling out various orders. Nurses raced around,
following various orders. Tubes were hooked up, needles injected, and
fluids were exchanged all around.
Pee Kitty's request that he immediately be taken back to Brushwood so the
Janor Device could be completed was politely refused. When he persisted,
the doctors pointed out that the Janor Device did not appear in any of
their medical textbooks and therefore must be less important than the
"human" life they were trying to save.
Pee Kitty began to question the wisdom of having the "socks" carbon-bonded
to his legs before the trip.
Pee Kitty's second request, that his legs be amputated and immediately
taken back to Brushwood so the Janor device could be completed was
politely ignored, and dismissed as either a joke or the ramblings of a man
driving insane from systemic shutdown.
Pee Kitty's third request got him sedated.
::: Entering the Milky Way
::: X minus 1 day exactly
The commander of the Xist fleet gave the order to halt just within the
borders of our galaxy. It glanced at the screen where the coordinates
were to be displayed soon.
NOW, WE WAIT.
::: Westfield Hospital, Room 215
::: X minus 14 hours, 45 minutes
"So tell the doctors they can all come along, if they want! You know I've
got to get back there or we're all doomed!"
"We've been trying everything, man," Godfather assured Pee Kitty. "Stang's
got the banks of lawyers trying to find a loophole that'll get you out of
here. G. Gordon Gordon's working on a direct armed assault of the place,
but all the weapon caches are back in Dallas."
"Okay, okay...if you can't bring me to Janor, go get Janor. Bring him to
the hospital. It's not that far away from Brushwood, Godfather - the
broadcasting amplifiers should still be able to pick up the signal!"
"Thought of that already. No can do. Janor won't come."
"Why?"
"He's Janor, man."
That explanation had always sufficed, and would have to suffice for now,
as well.
Pee Kitty sighed and picked at his hospital food.
::: Just inside the Milky Way
::: X minus 2 hours, 4 minutes
The Xist commander frowned.
SOMETHING IS WRONG. WE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE COORDINATES BY NOW.
::: Leaving Earth's Orbit
::: X minus 1 hour, 14 minutes
The Yist commander did that strange evil smile again.
EVERYTHING IS RIGHT. THE JANOR DEVICE HAS BEEN NULLIFIED AND THE
COORDINATES WILL NOT BE SENT. OUR WORK HERE IS DONE.
The ship was a blur as it crossed the lightspeed barrier.
::: Brushwood Folklore Center
::: X minus 30 minutes
Stang looked to Philo, "Maybe they'll still find us?"
Philo just looked back at him disparagingly.
::: Just inside the Milky Way
::: X plus 1 minute
HAVE THE COORDINATES BEEN RECEIVED BY ANY OF THE SHIPS?
NO, SIR.
SET A COURSE FOR HOME, AND PUT ME IN CONTACT WITH MR. DOBBS. HE OWES US
ONE HELL OF AN EXPLANATION... AND GAS MONEY.
And the last hope of Yetikind sped off into the void of space.
::: Westfield Hospital, Room 215
::: X plus 2 hours, 3 minutes
The doctor seemed a little taken aback by the patient's nonplussed
reaction. "Mr. Levine? I don't know if you heard me correctly. What I said
was that your pancreas has been destroyed and several of your other
internal systems have been damaged."
Pee Kitty, or "Mr. Levine" to the unaware hospital folks, turned a single
open eye lazily toward the doctor. "And what _I_ said was, 'Big deal,
compared to the fact that it's July 5th, 9 am, and we're all still here.'
Look, I wouldn't expect you to understand, doc. What else did you want me
to know?"
"Well, uh, with no pancreas, you're now suffering from diabetes. I'm
afraid you'll have to take insulin to stay alive now, and monitor how much
sugar you take in. We'll also need to keep you here for a while until your
body is able to function on its own again."
Pee Kitty grinned, again fazing the doctor. "No big deal. I'm imprisoned
in this meat shell anyways, so I might as well be imprisoned here" The
confused doctor muttered a goodbye and left the room. Pee Kitty turned
towards his cluster of friends in the room, "Now what I want to know is
who the hell ratted us out?"
::: Tampa Bay Tridenominational Multiclench
::: X plus 21 hours, 3 minutes
The shadowy figure glided through the empty household until it found the
hidden bug. Pocketing it with a smile, the figure slipped out of the place
quickly and quietly, locking the door behind him.
The pipe smoke had faded from the air long before the SubGenii returned
home.
--
Rev. Pee Kitty, of the order Malkavian-Dobbsian
Meow!
::: Official Martyr of X-Day! <http://www.cris.com/pkitty/xday98>
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From: Citizen Ken <drlegume@bellatlantic.net>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Re: The True Story of Pee Kitty at X-Day
Date: Wed, 08 Jul 1998 17:25:33 -0400
Organization: The World's Usenet -- http://www.Supernews.com
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Hey PK, did your friends tell you about my "Midnight Visit"?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Pee Kitty <Pkitty@mariner.cris.com>
Citizen Ken <drlegume@bellatlantic.net> spewed forth:
> Hey PK, did your friends tell you about my "Midnight Visit"?
Nope, any such activities were censored from the meager amount of news
that filtered my way. Do tell!
--
Rev. Pee Kitty, of the order Malkavian-Dobbsian
Meow!
::: Official Martyr of X-Day! <http://www.cris.com/pkitty/xday98>
Original file name: The True Story of Pee Kitty
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