Well, it's happened. Xday has come and gone, and we're all still here.
I'm no fool, I've seen the Ma Bell catalog in Philo's den, and I'm not
stupid enough to be disappointed that no saucers arrived.
I can't complain. I've gotten everything "Bob" Dobbs promised. I've
gotten slack, I've been treated like Dead Elvis Resurrected for the past
several years, and lord knows I've had my share of sex goddesses,
including my beautiful wife Susan, whom I'd never have met if it weren't
for my involvement with the Church of the SubGenius. I've been flown
all over America on somebody else's tab, put up in good hotels, been
fed, fucked, and fawned over. I've been on the radio, stage, and TV,
and I once beat out OJ Simpson for the front page of the Sunday paper.
My face is on buttons and bubblegum cards, and anyone in the world with
a computer can hear me spew my garbage out of their speakers at any
time, day or night. I've made great friends with great people, and I've
slapped and spat on stupid assholes. I've met freaks of every
description, and indulged in the finest chemical pleasures.
I even got triple my money back.
There were a few times when I was tempted to quit, but dammit, if
there's one thing anyone can say, it would have to be, "Dr.Legume hung
right in there until the END."
I know from the post-7am reaction of many (but by no means all) SubGenii
present at Brushwood July 5th, that some of you will still cling to
Dobbs like a tarbaby, but I personally can see no future in it at this
point. It was a GREAT JOKE, but once you get past the punchline, what's
left? Beating a dead horse?
I really didn't get to enjoy Xday as much as everyone else, I was
busting my ass the entire weekend making sure that all of you who
attended had fun. I had to deal with that goddamned dead pig (which
carried it's own curse), set up the Blood Wrestling, perform the mass
baptism, prepare the fields for the Battle of Armageddon, pull security
detail, make sure that everything was cool with Frank Barney, and chase
Bobbies away from my wife's ass. I finally got some rest about Noon on
Sunday. And all this with a dislocated knee that made every step pure
agony. But that's neither here nor there. The point is, that night,
after most everyone left, I limped up onto the stage like a hundred
times before, and strode up to the pulpit. I looked out at the empty
pavillion, littered with beer cans and butts, bits of pig brain, puke,
and broken toys. I could hear the voices of those who were disappointed
that the saucers hadn't arrived, and the voices of those who planned to
cling to the last twig of the raft until they drown. I also heard the
voices of those who had attained the slack they were promised, and were
happy that they'd had a good time out at Brushwood for four days.
I realized then that the Rupture had indeed happened that morning. Many
were saved, and many were left behind.
There was a time when I was a shy kid, a scorn-target for my peers. I
was so scared of the embarassment of rejection that I would never even
talk to a girl. I was afraid to give a verbal report in my High School
history class. When I was 21 I met a girl who I loved very much. We were
together for a few years, and then she decided (and rightly so) that I
was a loser and dumped me. My heart was broken, and I was a suicidal
wreck. I hated myself so much that I used to mutilate myself with razor
blades, and race my motorcyle throught the rain hoping that there would
be a big truck waiting around the next bend waiting to smash my body to
a pulp and let the rain wash my blood into the gutter. I was one red
cunthair away from a mass murder spree.
It was during this time that I found out about the Church of the
SubGenius. Somebody gave me a 5th generation tape of Hour of Slack #51,
which was the only thing that had made me laugh in a long time.
I played that tape to death, glad to know that there was at least one
other person who knew how fucked up the Earth can be.
I finally met that man, Ivan Stang, in 1992. It was at the Starwood
Festival, on that same patch of land that I'd be standing on six years
later. We hit it off right from Jump Street.
I saw him again a month later in Chicago at the World SubCon. This
time, I decided that it was time for me to face my demons. I got up in
front of crowd on the stage, and cut loose with a rant that lasted
either 5 minutes or an hour, that was either spectacular or sucked
badly.
I can't remember because I was pants-shitting terrified. I also went
blind.
Because of that experience, I defeated my demons, and went on to the
place I am today, a man floating in a sea of slack, a man blessed with
the most beautiful wife a man could ever want. If there is a Dobbs
somewhere, he should ENVY ME.
Thanks for my life, Doug.
I can't help but feel badly for the others, though. Those who feel
cheated. As I stood at that pulpit as Xday drifted away like dust, the
words of an old Bob Dylan song began to play in my head:
"He just walked along, alone,
with his guilt so well concealed,
and muttered underneath his breath,
'Nothing is Revealed'. "
Ken Narouski
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: twgs@whatsthepoint.net (Dave Lynch)
Ken, that's one of the finest things I've read on alt.slack in a long time.
You were one of the great ones. I don't rightly know where I'll go from
here. Paradoxically enough, I'd been drifting away from the Church for the
past several months, to the point where I no longer identified with it as
my primary religion, but going to X-day and seeing all the really great
shit people got out of it and, even more, seeing that there are people out
there who not only put up with my bullshit but enjoy it, makes me think
that there's some more Slack to be found in it. I'm in the process of
writing up my X-day diaries, and maybe that'll clarify some of it. But
whatever else happens, it was a hell of a time, and a hell of a joke.
--
"Wir feiern einen Party und du bist nicht dabei"
- Herbert Groenemeyer | remove whats to email
JIGGY WEEK: http://www.thepoint.net/~twgs/jiggy/jiggy.htm
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: cht@NOSPAMgis.net (Rev. Jihad Frenzy)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Re: Legume's Xday
Date: Wed, 08 Jul 1998 00:39:45 -0400
My dear Dr. Legume:
You have eloquently put into words what I've felt about SubGenius for years.
I'm glad the saucers didn't show, I'm having too much fun and getting too
much Slack here on Earth.
It was an honor to meet you and chat for a spell at the Boston Devival.
--
Rev. Jihad Frenzy
"Gadzooks!", quoth I, "But here's a saucy bawd!"
I, Libertine
by Fredrick R. Ewing
<A HREF="HTTP://WWW.GIS.NET/~CHT"/A>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: friday@subgenius.com (IrRev. Friday Jones)
Citizen Ken, I salute you. We ALL should. You put your shoulder to the
wheel and helped shove the Wagon of Slack across the finish line - and so
very, very many simply rode on that wagon, instead of walking alonside or
helping to push it!
The Church will be a lesser place without you but - if that's your Slack,
then SLACK THE HELL OUT OF IT!
Thanks for coming to the Boston Devival.
- IrRev. Friday Jones
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: axel@SPAMXverinet.com (axel heyst)
In article <35A2E598.4AA9@bellatlantic.net>,
Citizen Ken <drlegume@bellatlantic.net> wrote:
>poignancy of the unexpected
*Sniff*
Stang should frame that fucker and nail it to his back, and front.
Thanks, Ken.
Bye Legume.
axel heyst
____________________take care_________________________________
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Sketchy Albedo <revjack@radix.net>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Re: Legume's Xday
Date: 8 Jul 1998 06:35:26 GMT
Can I have your stapler?
--
_________________
revjack@radix.net
Mute and continue
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: BRYNMAWR@webtv.net (D. J. Farrell)
ETAtAhUAqRBu7gEXzJO6NrZW55uU7ute56sCFCa2O/WG79W3d9nNDyaPBRCovTsI
Xref: spln alt.slack:115636
[On Tues. Jul 7, 1998, 11:20pm, Dr Legume wrote]
"Well,it's happened. X-day has come and gone, and we're all still
here....and I'm not stupid enough to be disappointed that no saucers
arrived..."
"I know from the post-7am reaction of many (but by no means all)
SubGenii present at Brushwood July 5th, that some of you will still
cling to Dobbs like a tarbaby, but I personally can see no future in it
at this point. It was a GREAT JOKE, but once you get past the
punchline, what's left?..."
I'm sorry, Doc. I disagree. (Or should I say, I see a bigger
punchline.) What I saw that weekend was a group of people, from all
over the USA gathering together in one place for the purpose of [ahem]
DECADENCE!!! and SLACK!!! People who wouldn't have otherwise come
together gahered at Brushwood to drink, smoke, fornicate, rant, sing,
dance, etc...yadda yadda yadda...Faced with all that, the conspicuous
absence of the Xists becomes unimportant.
My dear Dr. Legume, you underestimate your importance, and the
importance of the Church of the Subgenius. From what I've learned in
the short time I've been a member, it goes way beyond Saucers, and even
BOB. On the back cover of the Book of the Subgenius, there's a quote
from Mark Mothersbaugh that sums up my true feelings about the whole
deal, it says, "'Bob' has come to help a constipated society blow it
out it's ass!!!" And believe me, we live in a very constipated
society. It's the ultimate parody, "Pure wisdom in the guise of utter
bullshit." And we need it now more than ever!!!
I have to admit, X-Day was my first SubGenius event. Even though I've
known of the existance of the church for over a decade, X-Day was the
reason I actually joined. [mostly to save $15 on the price of
admission. But if the saucers ACTUALLY arrived, that card would've come
in handy] I spent 4 days partying my ass off. Standing in the presence
of people I've only read about. I confronted and vanquished many inner
demons. Participated in much wild shit. And, when the saucers failed
to arrive, was mightily amused at the tarring & feathering of Ivan
Stang! Popess Lilith was right, the place lterally dripped with Slack.
Slackful moments? There were many. The "When will Janor get here"
betting pool (Which I lost) The deep and meaningful conversation I had
with G. Gordon Gordon in the shower the day after he nearly ripped my
head off at the "Bobtism" Hugs & Kisses from Susie the Floozie, Burnin'
Bibles at the Friday nite Devival, The Pipe that Popess Lilith gave me;
The one that he used to revive Puzzling Evidence at that devival back in
'94. all this, and more, served as a mighty well of inspiration for
future rants and possible doktor-music for future devivals and postings
here at alt.slack.
So long as Pinks and Normals walk this mudball we call Earth, so long as
there is a Conspiracy to be confounded, frightened, and opposed, The
Church of the Subgenius will, and must, continue to exist. The very
nature of our modern society demands it!!!
You were right, the rupture DID happen. It happened to me! [Praise
Bob!] and if HE doesn't envy you, I do! You are a part of the legend,
my friend!
Personally speaking, I can't wait 'til X-Day+1. I'll be there
Good Luck to you, Dr. Legume
Praise Bob!
Rev. D. J. Farrell
[Pagan, and Proud]
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++9 out of 10 Brain Surgeons agree,
www.angelfire.com/ny/BrynmawrMusicPlus/index.html is a great place to
be!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Rabbi <maxx@netaxs.com>
> Thanks for my life, Doug.
Ya know, friend, I heard that being said by a lot of Bobbies this past
weekend, but coming from you is a whole other story. Wow. We may have
pitched Stang into the pool and then into that pond, but let's face it,
it couldn't have been a better 20 year party. So, once we recover, who
has any ideas for next year?
Heather
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Carl Guderian <carlg@pop.net>
Citizen Ken wrote:
> It was a GREAT JOKE, but once you get past the punchline, what's
> left? Beating a dead horse?
>
More fireworks, for one, if the B'wood people don't have a real crackdown
on 'em next year!
> I looked out at the empty
> pavillion, littered with beer cans and butts, bits of pig brain, puke,
> and broken toys. I could hear the voices of those who were disappointed
> that the saucers hadn't arrived, and the voices of those who planned to
> cling to the last twig of the raft until they drown. I also heard the
> voices of those who had attained the slack they were promised, and were
> happy that they'd had a good time out at Brushwood for four days.
Hell, even the 1 1/2 days I got was worth it. My scalp's off to ya for
kicking off a much-needed autoimmune response within the Church.
>
>
> I realized then that the Rupture had indeed happened that morning. Many
> were saved, and many were left behind.
>
And a few of us want to play again. I'd been with the Church since '83 (or
maybe '88) but let my own slack dribble through my fingers over the years.
But I swore I'd make it to X-Day this year and even got a station wagon for
the road trip. You helped make it worth the trip and then some.
>
>
> I saw him again a month later in Chicago at the World SubCon. This
> time, I decided that it was time for me to face my demons. I got up in
> front of crowd on the stage, and cut loose with a rant that lasted
> either 5 minutes or an hour, that was either spectacular or sucked
> badly.
>
I don't remember, but I still have yer 666 Blessing...It was the only
devival I'd ever traveled out of state to attend. Glad I did it.
> I can't help but feel badly for the others, though. Those who feel
> cheated. As I stood at that pulpit as Xday drifted away like dust, the
> words of an old Bob Dylan song began to play in my head:
>
> "He just walked along, alone,
> with his guilt so well concealed,
> and muttered underneath his breath,
> 'Nothing is Revealed'. "
>
> Ken Narouski
Take care of yourself, man (but come next year anyway!).
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: i.stang@subgenius.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
In article <35A2E598.4AA9@bellatlantic.net>, drlegume@bellatlantic.net wrote:
some antisleep, booze and mushroom-fueled muffy puffy sentimental bullshit.
PROOF that even the legendary Man Mountain Legume can fall prey to the
PHYSICAL TOLL ON THE ORGANISM.
One reason I tolerate Legume's evil Holocaustal crackpot madness is because
I sort of identify with him. We are both very passionate men who
occasionally post to Usenet while in the heat of anger, mischief, horniness
or pure downright HATE.
I would take this mess of spew about as seriously as we should have taken
Legume's DEATH. He wasn't in his right mind when he wrote it.
Understandable. We've all been through something of a gauntlet. Those of us
who left home for the weekend, anyway.
--
Copyright 1998 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack
Original file name: Legume's Xday
This file was converted with TextToHTML - (c) Logic n.v.