SLUDGE REPORT
By Matt Sludge
Tue Jul 07 1998 01:30:26 UTC
BIZARRE CULTISTS STAGE MASS DISAPPEARANCE
**World Exclusive**
Sherman, NY- In what has been termed the most bizarre
religious event since the People's Temple mass suicide, hundreds of
cultists are said to have vanished Sunday from the Brushwood Folklore
Center campgrounds in rural New York State.
Members of "The Church of the Subgenius" had reportedly
been preparing for an event called "X-Day" for almost 20 years.
The group of Subgenius cultists who called themselves
"Subgeniuses" allegedly worshipped a strange pipe-smoking smiling man
named J.R. Dobbs also known as "Bob". Pictures of "Bob" littered the
campsite but "Bob" could not be reached for comment, officials said.
According to the information now available, "X-Day" involved
church members being liberated or "ruptured" from the earth by aliens
who were then scheduled to destroy the planet and eradicate all
non-church members or "normals".
Officials, however remain skeptical and are still not sure if
the disappearance is some kind of elaborate joke or hoax to publicize
the church. Since the mass disappearance, the Subgenius website has
been receiving visitors at a rate even higher than the Heaven's Gate
website at the height of that mass suicide coverage.
Family members of those missing are now being contacted by
officials using registry information kept at The Brushwood Folklore
Center to locate their whereabouts. Many members of those families
have been found to be missing as well.
Don Wilson, 63 was an attendee at a Starwood pagan event
happening simultaneously on the campgrounds:
"At exactly 7am I was in the hot tub and heard them counting
down over in the pavilion. They were making a lot of noise. A whole
big crowd of 'em. Then there was silence. And I went over there and
there weren't no one there. Gave me the creeps. I think the Goddess
took'em.".
Other pagans reported seeing UFO's and a giant 'X' in the
skies above Brushwood approximately 20 minutes before the
disappearance occured.
Another pagan festival-goer was drummer Jason Stoddard, 27,who
claims:
"Some of our group disappeared too, man. We can't find 'em.
All the women with the nicest tits are gone. Gone! Even that hot chick
who was walking around with nothing but a leather jacket on. And I
don't know why SHE'D want to go with those GEEKS!".
Only one church member who called himself "Jannor Hypercleets"
could be located anywhere at the time of this report. "Jannor",who is
now being questioned by authorities, claims that he was not "taken up"
because he was the only Subgenius asleep at the time of the"rupture".
"I don't understand it," said "Jannor," a disheveled 39 year
old resident of Little Rock Arkansas, who seemed disoriented and
confused in the wake of whatever happened:
"I just figured it was just going to be some dumb joke of
Stang's and I didn't want to mess up my sleeping schedule, so I just
crashed around 5am. How was I to know it was real? They never told
me."
The "head" of the Church, "Ivan Stang", who officials have now
learned is really Dallas based "minister" Doug Smith, was also present
at the event. Dallas police are now pouring through Smith's home,
looking for clues
At the site, evidence of drug paraphernalia has been found
along with pornography but none of it has so far led to any solid
leads. An inordinate amount of crusted semen was found on the inside
of one tent reportedly having belonged to someone named "Stern O.
Docks" and his wife during the event.
"God only knows what they were doing in there," an official
said.
DNA analysis is now being carried out on the semen with
results pending.
"Jannor Hypercleets", arrayed in a multi-colored coat and
oversized sunglasses yesterday addressed reporters in a press
conference:
"I mean, I helped build this church. I've been in this since
the beginning and they just leave me behind? I mean, I'm sick of it. I
didn't even get a Stark Fist. I keep getting shut out of these things
and being ripped off, how come I don't get to go?"
"This is bullshit," added "Hypercleets".
Hypercleets continued his tirade before press reporters,
yelling for help, claiming that his legs were on fire, and stating he
was the head of a church allegedly called "The First Church of
CuteYoung Girls Who Are Slaves to Jannor Hypercleets' Cock".
"Yeah, that sort of petered out" said "Jannor". "I'm going to
start 'The First Church of Cute Young Girls Who Are Sex Slaves to
Jannor Hypercleets' Left Testicle' and their sister church, 'The First
Church of Cute Young Girls Who Are Sex Slaves to Jannor Hypercleets'
Right Testicle' and they are both under the auspice of the parent
church, 'The First Church of Cute Young Girls Who Are Sex Slaves to
That Sort of Fleshy Ridge That's Between Jannor Hypercleet's
Testicles, Does Anyone Know What That Thing's Called?'"
A team of psychiatrists are currently examining the disheveled
and confused Arkansas resident.
"All we can tell you is that he is very disheveled, and very
very confused," an official said.
"Doug's an asshole," claimed Hypercleets
Meanwhile, the Brushwood Disappearance remains a mystery. FBI
sources state that reports are now being made that many other
individuals, who may have allegedly had ties to the church are
missing.
While exact numbers are hard to come by, the total number of
Church members is said to be "in the thousands".
When asked where he thinks the other Church members
went,"Jannor", the only remaining member said,
"Well, it's weird, the other night I overheard Doug telling
Legume something about how the Xists were going to transport everyone
to the saucers 'in the twinkling of "Bob"'s eye' was how he put it.
They would be put into a giant holodeck that exactly replicated earth
in 1998. They would think that it had all been some elaborate joke and
that they had never been taken up but actually they were just in this
giant virtual reality system on board the X-ist saucers. The holodeck
would gradually change into a Planet X paradise over a certain amount
on their way to the actual planet. He called it the 'divine
acclimation' or something. I just thought he was stoned on 'frop, but
I guess he was telling the truth".
In what may be a related story, officials have reported the
outbreak of a mysterious fatal disease in the same region as the
disappearance.
Symptoms of the disease include a slow combustion of the
victim's flesh similar to flesh-eating bacteria which proves
excruciatingly painful and fatal with 12 hours.
219 people have died thus far from the outbreak in the New
York area since Sunday. All of them have been young urban
professionals.
In a strange twist, the only common factor among those dead
seems to be that they each owned at least one Lexus. The phone lines
of the Dept. of Motor Vehicles in New York State have been clogged
with frantic callers seeking to give up their Lexus vehicle ownership.
The Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta, GA have already
utilized emergency quarantine procedures for the town of Sherman and
the outlying areas in an effort to contain the plague which is
reportedly 'spreading like wildfire'.
"We are dealing with hundreds of cases since Sunday," said
Peter Piot, spokesman for the CDC. "We haven't even been able to name
the virus, if that's what it is, much less isolate it. We are simply
calling it "Factor X" at this time."
Officials could not be reached for comment.
-=-Phineas Narco
Online catalog of Negativland/Subgenius and underground tapes:
http://www.carhart.com/~phineas/
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