X-Day 2006: The Revenge of Connie

From: "Modemac"

The Conspiracy made a valiant effort to stop us in 2006. They tried
using the legal system (Reverend Magdalen); they tried using the
weather (thunderstorms galore); and they even tried shutting us down
with private detectives and narcs. But all of their efforts were
futile, and X-Day IX was one of the most enjoyable, most exciting, and
most Slackful X-Day drills of all! Except for the fact that those damn
Xists didn't show up AGAIN, this was a year to compare with the
triumphant Slack we received in the X-Day Drill of 2001. Heads were
launched and burned! Money flowed like wine! Wine flowed like water!
There was music, food, companionship, frop, and Sex Gods and Goddesses
to spare! People came from as far away as Florida and Germany (yes,
Germany the country) to experience X-Day, and not one of them was
disappointed. Truly, we are NOW Slacked up to the point where next
year's X-day gathering, X-Day X, will be the FINAL one when the
Pleasure Saucers finally come to take us away forever!

But when the gathering started, it seemed not to be. The United States
Northeast has been plagued by far more rain and storms than usual this
year, and the effect was felt as far away as Brushwood. In fact, many
events were delayed for a full 24 hours all throughout the weekend,
even to the point where I was up and awake at 7:00 AM on July SIXTH to
see if I would be Ruptured then. It didn't happen, but this was the
only event of the entire X-Day celebration that did not take place
after a 24-hour delay.

Even the arrival of the Heirarchites themselves was delayed. I myself
arrived on Wednesday, after a grueling 9-hour drive (with half of it
spent driving through driving rain), and I attempted to set up my tent
before the next thunderstorm hit. I didn't make it in time, and I
got soaked just as I discovered that I had set up my tent in a
Brushwood seasonal camper's spot. So I wasn't in the best of moods
to begin with on Wednesday - especially since I discovered that I was
using an inferior quality tent. However, I'd forgotten what
delightful and helpful folks the Brushwood regulars are, and with their
aid (especially Sparky) I had my tent set up and ready to last the next
week. And it did, too: even though we had several torrential downpours
and windstorms, my tent remained firmly planted and secure for the
entire time. What's more, we could take shelter at the main pavilion
and other buildings when things got too wet; in addition, several
SubGenius camps including IRC Taphouse were well-protected from the
shelter.

But Wednesday afternoon, Wednesday night, and Thursday morning were
quiet. (This, of course, gave a perfect opportunity to soak up the
Slack and recover from two years in the world of the Conspiracy.) It
turned out that Dr. Howll's plane had been delayed for a full three
days, and he had to stay at various airport terminals all that time
while Stang and Princess Wei made efforts to ensure that he finally
made it. And then there was Magdalen. At first it seemed as though
she would not be able to make it to Brushwood at all...and, alas, Lord
Jesus Christ Himself was not able to come. His presence was sorely
missed at Brushwood, not the least due to the massive legal bills he
and Magdalen had raked up in their court case, and a work schedule that
had been thoroughly screwed as well...screwed, in fact, to the point
where Jesus had to work his Conspiracy job ON THE FOURTH OF JULY.

But then Thursday dawned, and the rain went away, and the mutants and
SubGenii began to appear from out of nowhere. Many well-known and
familiar faces showed up this year, along with a crop of New Mutants
who are already well on their way to becoming SubGenius superstars
themselves. It was at this time that Popess Pantiara Evokovitch made
herself known for the first time. She had arrived in the company of
Reverend Alex, and was camping with Suzie the Floozie; and this was her
first X-Day ever. Shy, frail, lithe, and perhaps the most pure and
innocent SubGenius of all (if you can ever truly call a SubGenius
"innocent"), she would soon find a place in the annals of the Sex
Goddesses of X-Day!

(It was also on Wednesday and Thursday that I was honored to make the
acquaintance of another Sex Goddess, who was actually there as part of
the pagan community. This goddess, whose name I'll not reveal so as
to keep her identity a secret, had already hooked her claws into
Reverend 808 (that lucky bastard), and she was keeping an eye out for
him through the entire weekend. But, she was a lovely and sweet person
to chat with, and it's a good thing that I'm a married man and
faithful to my wife. Otherwise, I may not have survived my encounters
with her.)

And finally, as the mutants gathered for the final celebration before
the End Of All Things, we felt the touch of "Bob" and we knew that
it was good. For as always, THINGS HAPPENED AT X-DAY. Lots of things.
More things than can be documented here. But for a small sample, let
me point out:

THE MUSIC: No less than four bands rocked the house down (plus the
pagan drummers at the bonfires), and there were stories behind each of
them:

THE BILLY NAYER SHOW! I learned that every time someone says "Billy
Nayer," Magdalen has an orgasm. And when we saw these guys perform,
we soon learned why. In a manner not unlike the first appearance of
Little Fyodor and Babushka at X-Day, they arrived and began their show
before a crowd of only a few people (it was tough to get the SubGenii
out of their tents to actually come up to the state), but with each
successive song the crowd multiplied and grew more and more
enthusiastic. It was a shame they had to leave immediately after their
show, because they would have enjoyed the Sunday jam session - and
the screening of their own movie, "American Astronaut," on Monday
night.

THE AMINO ACIDS! These mysterious creatures somehow materialized RIGHT
OUT OF THIN AIR on stage to do their show. When they were absent,
Reverend Angry Larry and company kept the air full of music during
three full-length jam sessions that lasted the entire weekend. On
Friday night they jammed with none other than Lonesome Cowboy Dave!
And on Sunday...

...on Sunday night, Connie Dobbs herself manifested in a way that
caught everyone by surprise! For during the Sunday night musical jam
session (led by the Minoan Brain Eaters), Reverend Pisces was SEIZED by
Connie, and she conjured forth no less than a full set of songs that no
one had ever heard before! In my times at X-Day, I have seen Connie
speak through the mouths of no less than three UberFemmes: Sister Suzie
the Floozie, Televangela, and now Reverend Pisces. These fine ladies
are possessed of the gift that lets them simply open their mouths and
let Connie do the talking (or singing).

And furthermore, THERE WAS NO RAVE ON MONDAY NIGHT. Nope, no rave at
all took place. New York State has very strict laws written especially
to clamp down on raves. Even the use of the word "rave" in a
program for an event like X-Day could have gotten Brushwood into big
trouble. So, in order to protect the identities of all persons
involved, there was NO RAVE at X-Day. However, there WAS a
sock-hop...a jubilee...and even a discotheque. And DJ.2B kept the
house music going nonstop for a good three hours or more. What's
more, Reverend Razna brought a huge supply of glo-sticks, which turned
the entire pavilion into a neon matrix of frenzied, gyrating Yeti of
all genders. The Goddess of the Hula Hoop kept the entire crowd
mesmerized with her sexy gyrations, while DJ Shaver backed up 2B and
was all over the place. In short, NO RAVE at Brushwood kicked major
ass.

And if that wasn't enough, we should all give thanks to the persons
who attended DJ SHAVER'S DOG AND PONY SHOW! I am in utter awe of DJ
Shaver for his uncanny ability to find bulldada of all sorts -
especially musical bulldada. Every year he puts on an amazing show at
X-Day, and this one was no exception. And every year, he plays at
least one song that makes my jaw drop...you simply can't believe they
actually MAKE music like that. From "Tapeworm of Love" to
"Priestess" (by none other than the lead singer of The Fugs) to
"Satan Is Real," Shaver gave us a selection of music that would
make Dr. Demento run away screaming. I was honored to spend a couple
of hours with him on the stage on Monday, downloading the best samples
from his collection.

THE BURNING: Here at last we were allowed to vent our pent-up hatred at
the Conspiracy...and especially at a certain New York judge who has
made life even more of a hell than usual for Reverend Magdalen. The
SubGenii gathered on Monday night to burn the hated items of the
Conspiracy, from books to work uniforms to the Judge Punch Punching Bag
itself. I'm willing to bet that photos from this burning
"somehow" make their way into Magdalen's trial when it resumes
later this month...because apparently her ex (and the cause of her
misery) doesn't have anything better to work with than the suggestion
that the Church of the SubGenius is some sort of Satanic cult. If so,
then we gave him plenty of ammo - and he's welcome to it, because
he's going to be laughed out of court.

A couple of things I noted about the preparations for the
Burning...first of all, one person actually took me aside and asked me
to stop the book burning, because it supposedly displeased Brushwood.
My only response to this person was to kindly ask the persons in
question to speak to us directly about it. More interesting, however,
was the appearance of Connie once again...this time in the form of
little Hayley, the 4-year-old daughter of one of the pagans who shaped
the logs for the bonfire. She was fascinated by my T-shirt, which was
the X-Day design from 2001 with pictures of "Bob," Connie, and
G'Broagfran on the front. She asked, "Why are they on there," so
I pointed to "Bob" and Connie and said, "These are the good guys,
and this [point to G'Broagfran] is the bad guy. They keep him under
control." She ran right to her Dad and told him about how they fight
the bad guy. As we were hanging up the image of "Bob," she asked
again who he was. I said to her, "His name is 'Bob.' My wife
believes he's an incarnation of the Trickster."

"Twixsa?" she asked. And her Dad piped up, "Coyote, honey!"

Like many of the other X-Day events, the Burning had been postponed
from Sunday to Monday evening. There had been a forecast for
thunderstorms, and I was worried the Conspiracy would try to stop us
from taking our revenge by raining on us. I implored to "Bob" and
Connie to hold up the rain at least until after the Burning - and
they did! In fact, it was a very warm night, with no rain at all
happening until very late, at around 3 AM or so. It was a glorious
Burning, followed by a dance party (NOT a rave), followed by still more
parties and movies at Dr. Dark's Drive-In.

THE FOOD: One of the most amazing aspects of X-Day is the wealth of
food that everyone brings every year! I was eating out of my own food
stocks between Wednesday and Friday, but by the time everyone showed up
and the parties started, there was a nonstop cornucopia of food,
spirits, and herbs all the way through to the Rupture! There were hot
dogs and s'mores, of course, with many camps sharing their meals and
giving hot cooked breakfast to all comers. But especial mention and
thanks must be given to the gang at IRC Taphouse - and especially to
Joy D'Veeve and Rev. Dr. Jack. They not only brought enough food to
feed an army - it was a repast worthy of the best restaurants you
could look for. When camping at Brushwood, would YOU expect to dine on
steak, potatoes, pasta (with homemade sauce), and fine wines? There
was every kind of food to be had at the Taphouse, including Rev.
Lon's pickled wieners. And the New York Clench gave their own feast,
even letting me take a good swallow of imported Irish mead. I've
never cared for the taste of alcohol, but that was GOOD stuff. (Sister
Decadence tried the mead, too, and she said it was the best she'd
ever had!)

We even managed (between thunderstorms) to have the annual SubGenius
Pancake Breakfast on Sunday. The pancake cookout was delayed for 24
hours (again, like everything else this year), and the weather on
Sunday didn't make it seem likely that it would happen at all. For
Sunday was the day we were hit by torrential downpours that seemed to
come in waves - it rained heavily for 40 minutes or so, followed by
an hour of bright sun, followed by another massive deluge from the sky.
And it went like this again and again...yet, the pancake cookout was
held during a sunny hour, and it was a success!

AND, we can't forget the SubGenius Chili Cookoff! It's interesting
that the events involving food were always guaranteed to have a huge
turnout...and this year, there was chili to spare for all. At least
six different kinds of chili were provided, from meat to veggie chili
(and I personally liked the veggie chili the best). The chili gave
everyone plenty of warmth for the upcoming evening (though it wasn't
very cold for any night there except for the first Wednesday and the
final night before X-Day), and it fired folks up for the late-night
Pyroflatulation Competition, too.

Yes, this was truly a year for indulgences in food and drink - and
once again, it was capped off on the evening before X-Day with a
SubGenius Pot Luck Feast that will be talked about for years to come!
"Bob" asked the SubGenii to donate extra food for a pot luck
supper, and they delivered with interest. For meat lovers (such as
myself), it was a delight to sample from tube steak AND brats AND
franks AND kielbasa AND hash AND burgers, all in the course of one
meal...plus pasta and rice and bean salads and pies and cookies and
much, much more! (I'm sorry the Taphouse folks weren't able to
make it to the Pot Luck Feast. They had to be satisfied with mere
porterhouse steak, potatoes, corn, and more wine.)

And all this was but the tip of the iceberg! I STILL haven't
mentioned the Naked Bobtism, where many Connie-ites showed up and were
Bobtised for the FIRST TIME EVER - including Princess Wei R. Doe.
Then there was the special Bobtism arranged especially for Pat "The
Man" Volkerding and his lovely wife, as they brought their new
daughter to Brushwood especially to be Bobtized - and ordained.
Stang went out of his way to accommodate them, which suits me just fine
because the Volkerdings are good people. I've seen Pat at X-Day
before (he's been there every year except one, when he was stricken
by a medical malady), but this was the first year I got to actually
chat and spend time with him and his wife. He's a down-to-earth
geek, very friendly, and he enjoys talking shop even at a place like
Brushwood. His selfless efforts to promote Slackware have attracted a
cadre of haters out there on the Net - people who actually despise
his existence and would love to hurt him in any way they can. A pox
upon them, for I have seen a man who deserves every bit of his fame
(and Slack).

AND! The mysterious visitation of the Angel Turds - intricately
painted rocks that appeared from out of nowhere, in the middle of one
night at Brushwood. These pieces of art descended upon us in the
HUNDREDS, and people were discovering new ones in unsuspecting places
for literally days afterwards. Rumor has it that a naked red-haired
angel scampered around Brushwood during the early morning hours,
placing these little gifts for all to find. I understand this angel
was actually caught on film in the act (see alt.binaries.slack), but
that may just be a rumor.

PLUS! The live Hours of Slack broadcast from the stage, featuring Dr.
Howll and Reverend Ivan Stang and Lonesome Cowboy Dave. The Mass
Marriage on the Day Before X-Day, conducted by Reverend Angry Larry.
The film screenings in the studio (where Hayley the little angel became
the latest fan of Reverend Stang's video creations). The Scientology
round-table discussion...the special screening of "2001: A Space
Odyssey"...the Naked Slip-and-Slide at 3:00 AM...

...and even in the midst of all this, we STILL got together to do a
fund-raiser for dear Reverend Magdalen! The Bobbie Awards drew the
largest crowd ever, and it was here that the fine folks at IRC Taphouse
unveiled the WHY A GOAT? T-SHIRT. Magdalen's legal costs have
exceeded the $50,000 mark - with more expected when her trial resumes
this month - and it's doubtful that any fund-raiser the Church of
the SubGenius could get together would be little more than a drop in
the bucket. Yet, every little bit helps, and the Taphouse crowd is
doing what they can to help her. And so is everyone else in this
mighty Church. At X-Day, a special T-shirt autographed by Magdalen
herself was auctioned off for $120 (with every penny of it going to her
legal fund)...and who else bought it but the mighty Pat Volkerding!
(Praise Slackware!) AND, Governor Rocknar one-upped us all by
auctioning off a specially-autographed DVD of the documentary
"Grass," and added another $60 to the donation to Magdalen.

...and I STILL hear from some idiots who complain about being BORED at
X-Day. I honestly don't see how this happens, because every year
X-Day is PACKED with things to see and people to do. And for the times
when "nothing is happening" - THAT is the best time to Slack Off!
Take a nap, go for a swim or hot tub dip, eat something, wander over
to one of the open camps and BS with fellow SubGenii, call home and
talk to the wifey, visit the pagan sales booths, buy Sacred SubGenius
Swag, or any one of a thousand other things to do.

Have I said yet that X-Day is the BEST GODDAMN PARTY OF THE YEAR? If
not, then I hope you're getting that impression. Because it IS, and
NOTHING else comes close. Certainly not Corporate-Controlled
Conspiracy Christmas, and not the Fourth of July. (Because when those
stupid Xists finally arrive, we'll have a fireworks show like NONE
OTHER IN HISTORY.)

But none of this would be possible without the efforts of those mighty
SubGenii who come together every year (or almost every year) to have a
FANTASTIC time, and make sure everyone else has one as well. Without
all of YOU, X-Day would never have been possible. If I were to credit
everyone responsible for the great times had at X-day, I'd have to
tick off the name of every single person who came to Brushwood. But,
like everyone who does an X-Day report, I want to single a few kind
souls out for special attention and thanks:

POPESS PANTIARA EVOKOVITCH. I still don't know how I got the
impression that she was actually 30 years old or more - which is why
I was so surprised to meet her in person. And she has my thanks for
putting up with my presence, as well as by becoming a new UberFemme
superstar whose presence at Brushwood will be expected for many years
to come.

DR. HOWLAND OWLL. A true gentleman's gentleman - soft-spoken but
commanding in his presence, and possessed of a wit and artistic talent
to put many a louder soul to shame. 'Tis an honor and a pleasure to
serve in the same Church, and at the same event, as this true SubGenius
Heirarchite.

THE MYSTERIOUS MUSLIM FIGURE. An unknown person was spotted in various
places at Brushwood, wearing an Arabic burka and saying little if
anything. This person performed a special duty by wearing that burka
(especially during the time that he/she was naked and not wearing
anything underneath), of which I can say very little here. But you
know who you are, and you have my thanks - not only my thanks, but
the thanks of certain other SubGenii as well.

SPARKY. One of the pagans who opens his door to everyone, always says
hi, and goes out of his way to accommodate visitors to Brushwood -
especially to persons like myself, who arrived in a frustrated mood
because I'd forgotten what it was like to be there at Brushwood,
soaking in the slack.

LEONARD THE COMMITTED, for doing back-up security so well that NO
backup was needed. That sounds like an off-handed comment, but it's
very important: this year was so Slackful that there was no tension
between people, no petty rivalries, no animosity, no trouble-making, no
ANYTHING that you would usually expect at a gathering of SubGenii. All
Leonard had to do was make his presence known - for we would have
called on him if help was needed.

ANKARA. All of the fine mutants at the IRC Taphouse camp are deserving
of gratitude, but especially Ankara for being a chat buddy,
photographer, time-waster, AND for the invitation to join the Taphouse
Cabal.

JOY D'VEEVE and REV. DR. JACK for the aforementioned feedings, but
even more so for the companionship.

PHLOIGHD for running everything behind the scenes.

DJ SHAVER, not only for being there and putting on a great show, but
especially for being out and about and being a good person to talk
with.

PISCES, for being sweet and bursting with energy, and for channeling
Connie in a way that I have rarely seen before. (And for a pleasant
time in the hot tub.)

DOC PISSOFF and BARBARA ALIEN for pleasant morning conversations and
breakfast.

REVEREND MAGDALEN *and* her sister, for being among the kindest souls
at X-Day. I consider it an honor and a pleasure to assist them in
their struggle, because they are good people. Next year, I hope to see
Jesus again at X-Day. He needs his Slack more than just about anyone
right now.

BUCKY and MRS. BUCKY (Well, almost Mrs. Bucky) for witty repartee and
keeping things going (especially the Billy Nayer Show crowd).

The Pagan vendors (whose names I never did get, dammit!) who were kind
enough to accept the donations of goods from my Queen, and who let me
barter items in exchange.

Blatant nepotism: to MY BELOVED QUEEN for going WAY out of her way to
help me prepare for X-Day, and for helping me to continue when I felt
that the Conspiracy would triumph once again. My greatest wish is to
bring her to Brushwood, which will happen one day.

And, of course...REVEREND IVAN STANG for putting up with all of those
SubGenii for all of those years, but especially for being there this
year and every year. And equal thanks to PRINCESS WEI R. DOE for
greeting everyone with a smile, for being the true brains and muscle
behind Stang's presence, and for the two of them being a great couple
to work with.

But after all of the great times we had at X-Day, guess what happened?
"Bob" blew us off again, and still no saucers showed up. So I
guess that means that once again, we'll have to come back and do it
all over again next year. Damn! We'll just have to throw ANOTHER
wild week-long naked party with the greatest mutants on the planet!

And just think...X-Day X is coming fast! Less than ONE YEAR TO GO!

So pay up, suckers! Get your asses in gear and JOIN our mighty Church!
Pack up your gear and come along to Brushwood, and take part in a
festival of weirdness the like of which has never been seen - and
will never be seen again until the end of the world.

JULY 5, 2007. THE TRUE X-DAY.

PRAISE "BOB!"

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From: "iDRMRSR" <idrmrsr@sssssubgenius.com>

I think you left something out.

[*]
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From: heathen <aheathen@earthlink.net>

On 10 Jul 2006 13:58:11 -0700, "Modemac" <modemac@gmail.com> wrote:

> and they even tried shutting us down
>with private detectives and narcs

elaborate? private dtectives wtf??
narcs i would count on, but private detectives?

heathen

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From: asssco@gmail.com

Actually Sparky isn't a pagan --
he's from West Virginia.

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From: "Rev. Chain Smerker" <miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiichael@subgenius.com>

"Rich Clark, aka Left Rev Egg Plant, ULC, CotSG" <spammers_lie@rrclark.net>
wrote in message news:g8fbo3-4c5.ln1@news.rrclark.net...

>
> One wonders how to compose an X-day after action report to rival this.
> Sadly, I cannot.

Easy.

Got there, fucked around, saw some nudity and left with a bad headache.

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From: Modemac <modemac@modemac.com>

You've got the right idea. Keep it up, dude.

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