An X-Day Tale of Triumph and Tragedy.

From: "Paul Casino" <beefjerkyisgood@hotmail.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sat, Jul 9, 2005 12:30 AM

(As we stare off the edge of the cliff, suddenly a hand emerges from
the edge of the bottomless chasm of anti-slack, grasping around and
reaching for his grip. He finds it, and our hero PAUL CASINO pulls
himself up from the brink of a certain total demonic mental breakdown.
He staggers to his feet and, breathing heavily, wipes a trickle of
blood from the edge of his lip with the back of his hand, like they do
in every movie worth a damn.)

I'm back like a malignant tumor, bitches. Where I've been is actually a
good story that I feel pays off. I ain't gonna lie to you, it's long
winded as hell, but a lot went down and I felt the need to tell this,
my true story.

Two weeks ago I was taking a shower before I went to work when the
lights in my bathroom went out. I thought to myself "Interesting. But
why?" After I finished washing off all of that hitchikers's blood (and
there was more than you'd think) I got out of the shower and asked my
roomate Brad (who for refrence, is a wigger from the streets of
Berwick, PA, which is Amish Country.):

PAUL: Why did my lights turn off?

BRAD: They shut our power off, yo. (note the nonsense sylable of "yo"
added to the end of every sentence. Some consider this to be the
hallmark of the true dullard.)

PAUL: Why did they shut our power off, we paid Brain (other roomate,
who had been gone for a week) for all the bills last week?

BRAD: I dunno, but I'm moving to my boy's crib, yo.

PAUL: You're not even gonna figure this out?

BRAD: Nah, yo. Fuck it.

PAUL: And what am I gonna do if you move out?

BRAD: I dunno. Later.

And with that, started to pack up his shit and leave as I franitcally
called the power company, who told me that I did not pay, and then all
but hung up. I open the door to my appartment, and there's a note
saying the gas will also be shut off in three days. No help from them,
either.

I called Brain, no answer, got his family's phone number, they tell me
he's in jail for beating the living fucking shit out of a guy about a
year and a half ago, which apparently finally caught up with him. I can
only assume that he had the cash to pay the bills on him when he got
locked up, ergo, nothing got paid.

Before anyone opens thier head about the obvious point, yes, I'm well
awart this could have been avoided by paying all the bills on time and
not letting them go for almost three months. Fuck you, I'm 25. Nobody
my age pays their bills on time. Show me one and I'll show you a pink.

Now, PRAIZE "BOB" I work in a hotel and ended up convincing them to put
me up for 3 or 4 days at a time when they weren't sold out at a
property they owned about two miles away from my place of work. This
wouldn't have been a problem save for the fact my car went tits up last
month, and I now have a two miles walk every day. Fine.

Since I'm moving in a month, getting the power back on wasn't worth it,
the security deposit and the activation fees for gas and power were
about 400 bucks and screw that for a month. So I lived out of a hotel,
and a shitty one at that. And it took it's toll on me, walking two
miles in the middle of a summer heat wave the likes of which central PA
has never before seen.

And just when I thought I could get no lower, I got a phone call saying
that I might loose the appartment in Pittsburgh I was going to rent,
the beautiful two story three bedroom in a great location with a
courtyard and a fireplace next to the building where Flashdance was
filmed (fuck yeah!) for 900 a month.

My current appartment, aka The Dojo, was unlivable. My future
appartment, which I had alread determined would be called "Stately
Casino Manor", was in jeopardy. All I had at the time was my hotel room
and my right hand, since the woman took off right around the time the
car died.

(southern preacher voice now)

And ah FEEL to mah KNEES (huh) and I GNASHED mah oh-so-white-TEETH
(huh) and ah CRAHD and I CURSED "Bob"'s NAME (huh), and ah sayd "MAH
DOBBS! MAH DOBBS, WHUT'S YER FUCKIN' PRAHHH-BLUM? Why hay-vuh ya PUT me
THROUGH his TOOOORE-mint? I oughta KICK you in the JIMMY!" Beacuse I
was LOW, friends, I was ALL OUTTA SLACK! I HAD NONE. ZERO, ZIP, ZILCH,
NADA, NOTHING, NO MAS!

(Ahem...)

That night I let myself up to the roof of the hotel I worked at and
smoked a joint. I watched the fireworks crashing outside my window that
were being fired off from the high school football field down the
street. It was the 4th of July, and this had been my ritual every 4th
of July for the past four years. Say what you will, but the view from
the roof is gorgeous and the fireworks are pretty damn good every year.
And I thought to myself as I sat there:

"Tomorrow is X-Day. How bad can it all be, if tomorrow is my own
special holiday? I'm not gonna let all this shit ruin my X-Day. I'm
gonna GET out there and get ALL FUCKED UP all FUCKING DAY and if some
piece of fucking trash even looks at me funny for being a
walking-shambling drug-addled wreck of a man at 2 PM on a Tuesday, I
swear I'm just gonna get right in their face and scream in a drunked
slur "Ish fer "BAWB", stoopid!". Fuggit. X-Day comes but once a year."

And I did just that. I organized an impromptu party at a friends house
that night. I turned into a wonderful couple of hours of blurry drunken
crying and "I love you, fucker, I'm gonna miss you when you're gone.",
you know those things. And I WAS and AM leaving State College. For
Pittsburgh, because I found out that day that I did indeed, get to keep
the house. I praise "Bob" for that. It was the first of two X-Day
miracles.

The second one was where it got spooky.

I had to stop at my appartment on my way back to the hotel from the
party to pick up a bag that I had left there, I was having my friend
Roach drive me back at some ungodly hour of the night because his house
is dirty and should be condemned.

I got out my keys and opened the door and walked into my living room to
see the only light that we had left turned on, a spotlight on a ceiling
track.

The light was ON. And it was SHINING DOWN on a pile of books nearby.
And at the top of that pile of books was REVALATION X.

I flipped the other switches. I had power. It was back. It was an X-DAY
MIRACLE.

On X-Day, I had a great evening with my friends, a "last palaver" as it
were, I consumed my own body weight in booze and 'frop, I found out
that my dream appartment was MINE ALL MINE and I walked into my current
appartment which had NO POWER up until that very day, and saw a single
spotlight shining down on the FACE OF J. R. "BOB" FUCKING DOBBS.

Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets it's wings. It's
bullshit, but J.R. "Bob" Dobbs said : Everytime a SubGenius needs slack
on X-Day, I WILL PROVIDE.

So now, everything is back to normal for me. Except for the fact that I
have no gas, so I now have to take showers that are so cold my balls
want to crawl up into my mouth. But it was all worth it.

Praize "Bob".

Amen.

It's good to be back.

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Subject: Re: An X-Day Tale of Triumph and Tragedy.
From: "Paul Casino" <beefjerkyisgood@hotmail.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sat, Jul 9, 2005 12:35 AM
Message-ID: <1120883754.614851.208940@o13g2000cwo.googlegroups.com>

Oh, yeah, for maximum effect of my harrowing ordeal, you should totally
listen to that theme from The Terminator movies when reading this.

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Subject: Re: An X-Day Tale of Triumph and Tragedy.
From: "Wayneth" <what.happened.to.my.pants@gmail.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sat, Jul 9, 2005 1:29 AM
Message-ID: <1120886942.070318.139370@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>

This is by far the best narration of a couple days that i have ever
read, you should write a fucking book.

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Subject: Re: An X-Day Tale of Triumph and Tragedy.
From: "Rev. Chain Smerker" <michael@SPAMBEGONEsubgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sat, Jul 9, 2005 1:34 AM
Message-ID: <2mJze.28462$oJ.9508@news-server.bigpond.net.au>

"Wayneth" <what.happened.to.my.pants@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1120886942.070318.139370@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
> This is by far the best narration of a couple days that i have ever
> read, you should write a fucking book.
>

Damn right, I was looking for the Pay Pal link to give you some money

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Subject: Re: An X-Day Tale of Triumph and Tragedy.
From: "iDRMRSR" <idrmrsr@sssssubgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sat, Jul 9, 2005 11:27 AM
Message-ID: <jKGdnaxjXJ55cVLfRVn-jA@giganews.com>

>>so I now have to take showers that are so cold my balls
want to crawl up into my mouth. But it was all worth it.

What's a shower?

[*]
-----

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Subject: Re: An X-Day Tale of Triumph and Tragedy.
From: "Rev. Richard Skull" <mshotz@aol.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sat, Jul 9, 2005 11:43 AM
Message-ID: <1120923785.976101.258030@g43g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>

<<What's a shower? >>

Thats when you lay one your back and piss intot he air so it falls back
uon yourself.

At least thats the French's idea of a shower!

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Subject: Re: An X-Day Tale of Triumph and Tragedy.
From: "Paul Casino" <beefjerkyisgood@hotmail.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Sat, Jul 9, 2005 2:06 PM

It's FUCKING COLD, that's what it is.

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Original file name: An X-Day Tale of Triumph #99D72 - converted on Monday, 18 July 2005, 17:18