BREAKING NEWS: Rocknar is our own Todd Beamer

From: "Assco" <asscoassc@aol.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Wed, Jul 6, 2005 9:25 AM

UPDATE -- (Editors: Clear previous versions.)

Sherman, NY, July 5, 2005, 7:13pmET -
A suspected terrorist attempted to
ignite an infernal machine,
i.e., a homemade incendiary device at
the Spaceport.

If successfully detonated,
would have wiped out considerable
portions of Rock & Roll Land, Normal
Land, New Africa and Sportsland, USA.
Targeted were several hierarchical
members of the Church of the
SubGenius including Reverend
Ivan Stang, Princess Wei-R-Doe,
Doc Frop, Sister Decadence,
Mr. and Mrs. Reverend Sexmortus,
and others.

According to witnesses a man in military
uniform entered the Sinctum Sanctum
Rectum where an important meeting
was taking place. He was said to be
carrying a large, red cylindrical object
labeled "TNT" and bearing the "Acme"
brand insignia.

"The surprising thing about the man's
behavior was how polite he was" said
Zosodada who was present at the event.
"He asked it would be okay to place the
device next to a fire. This was given
no objection from those present.
He then asked if it would be all right
with everyone if he lit the fuse. He
actually borrowed a lighter from one
of his intended victims. Then he used
that lighter to light the fuse and he
fled."

The crowd, initially thinking that this
was obviously a stupid prank, had second
thoughts as the fuse fizzled. "I suddenly
thought: what if this is a real attack
disguised as joke? That would be funny!"
reports Zosodada.

Most fled the scene in panic.

Governor Rocknar took the situation
into hand and swiftly sat on the fizzling
red cylinder, thereby snuffing the wick.
He rose from the device, ass smoldering,
and threw it into the distance like the
Incredible Hulk tossing a tank halfway
across the desert while exclaiming "Urgh!"

"There's no doubt about it" said Ivan
Stang. "Rocknar is our own Todd Beamer.
He was the only one to bravely risk his
own life for the sake of others -- all
SubGenii should be proud of his selfless
actions, indeed, all freedom-loving patriots
should emulate and honor this demonstration
of heroism and act of self-sacrifice."

The suspected insurgent was later
taken into custody.

-- Assco reporting from the scene.

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