Tonight let us honor these SubGenii and Yeti,...these our soldiers, our warriors, these our slaves and minions, our brothers & Connieites, our children. Let us remember those that have been lost in the woods, and let us give thanks for those who have been found, and who stand here beside us.
Now, I would like someone else to close this prayer... someone who hasn't spoken here in a long time, but who I believe has something to say that we ALL need to hear. I give you STANG.
WELCOME TO NERDI-GRAS!
A SHALOOD LIE LA HIE LA "BOB"
King of the Hill on pagan nerds -
"I'll put a spell on his ass with my BOOT."
UNCLEONAN: Lemuria is to burning man, as burning man is to starwood, as starwood is to xday, as xday -- population wise. 'Coolness-wise,' I don't have the numbers in front of me right now.
ALL HAVE BREASTS.
"Breasts are the anagram of the human form" - J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
"Breasts are nothing more than modified sweat glands." -- Mister Larrimer, Saint Mark's School, 1969
"I CAN'T LIE - BUT I PROMISE I WILL." - JR "Bob" Dobbs
This is a FACE-BASED religion! Based on THAT FACE!!
THE IMPORTANT THING IS, TO BE ABLE TO WHIFFREAD COOLNESS THROUGH "BOB'S" FACE. This and this alone is what truly distinguishes the SubGenius from the human scum-worm.
Some people say it's all relative. Cultural relativism. Moral relativism.
"Bob" said, "Moral Relativism is the One True Truth." Well THANKS, "Bob!"
Where does that leave us? UP "BOB" CREEK without a Connie, is where.
NAY! It is NOT all relative. BOB IS THE BASELINE. From Bob as the starting point you can measure hot, cold, rich, poor, good, evil.
You can ZERO YOUR METER on Bob. He's the ZERO, the BIG NOTHING between TWO HANDSOME BEEs. And what honey they have for YOU. KILLER Bs... on either side of a GREAT HOLE, a ZERO... O...
An old prayer - the SubGenius Serenity prayer, by Rev. Lemuel Atom:
Dobbs,
Grant me the serenity to endure the Pinks I cannot kill,
The courage to snuff the ones I can,
And the wisdom not to do it when the cops are around.
UncleONAN: "Even the Devil needs someone to play Devil's Advocate sometimes, and "Bob" is the Devil's Devil's Advocate. And I advocate "Bob!"" - Uncle Onan, tape 273
"BOB" WON THAT BET WITH THE DEVIL... FOR YOUR SINS!!
SLACK itself loves "BOB" so much that IT IS DRAWN TO HIM!
Are you feeling the MIND SHAFT GAP? Has your MIND been SHAFTED, right in the GAP?!?
Do you keep feeling like EVERYTHING is TOTALLY SCREWED UP?
And then you realize, NO, everything's not really THAT screwwed up, I'm just in a bad mood?
Actually, EVERYTHING IS SCREWY, we just ADJUST to it continually.
What time is it?
THE END TIMES...
That SNIPER... went and broke the first rule of Sniper Club...
Cracked down on head shops... Tommy Chong's website is a terrorist now...
WHAT NANOBOTS LURK IN THE SMALLPOX SHOTS?
Peeing in jars... breathalyzer tests... vote-alizer tests...
And now they have a MACHINE which can tell if you're THINKING.
It's called a TV. If it's OFF, you're GUILTY.
All the media's owned by 3 people, and they're NOT into
Bob.
Dave said Rupert Murdoch. But ...
IF YOU KNOW HIS NAME, HE'S NOT THE PUPPETEER, just one of the puppets. You can't SEE the puppeteer...
YOU CAN'T FOLLOW THE STRINGS UP THAT FAR. It's be EASY to cut 'em, if you could.
Nowadays they have puppets that can work puppets. YOU
DON'T KNOW how many puppets down the line you might
be.
YOU'RE not running a marrionette right now, I notice...
Economic Darwinism - survival of the richest. They put the evol in Evolution
THE END TIMES: SARS and RUMORS of SARS... well, SARS cures hypochondria.
I miss the Cold War. It was somehow COOLER. You could really CHILL.
Bush said: The goal of this WAR IS PEACE. WAR IS PEACE.
1984 is 19 years LATE! Means - X-DAY is JULY 5 2017!
Ya gotta ask yourself - Do you feel lucky? Well? Do ya, PINK?
Some drunk griped that I didn't do enough about the War. What's the Right Thing?
I tried. visualized World peace,... and all I got was THIS lousy T-shirt.
Learned how to pronounce NUKULAR.
"I SPOUT JINGO - AND I VOTE" J. R. "Bob" Dobbs for President campaign, 1974
The right thing? STUDY SURVIVALIST MANUALS. Stockpile food and practice your aim. Learn to give the best oral sex in the world to great big tough guys, from inside a barrel.
Or Flee! Flee America! The Americans are taking over!
SCREW VOTING - LET'S ROLL!
Pioneer 10 fled America... it left the Solar System... to be found by a robot who will sell it for billions on e-Bay as the last existing relic hand-built by the extinct human race.
The News is either Evil, or a SIN,... we don't know
which yet...
The news is SURREALISM.
We have to get USED to the idea that at any moment, ANYTHING can happen. Both the imaginable and the unimaginable. Sometimes the impossible, but more often the unlikely.
If only Rod Serling had said that, instead of Mister Sister.
Sometimes you're the fucker, sometimes you're the fuckee.
And the way I read it, we're one FUCK short of World
War Three.
The craziest train engineer in the world, not Dennis
Murphy but Casey Jones, is at the helm of Spaceship
America. CAREENING OUT OF CONTROL with a drunken madman
at the wheel - and what is America's final Destination?
The MOON, The FUTURE, and HOOTERVILLE!
If the Church of the SubGenius goes down, civilization... goes up. In flames.
And when the world goes up in flames, the SubGeniis will have the Weenies." (-- Bryan J. Maloney)
We're here to SWEEP CLEAN the FILTH from Earth Farm One. The Xists would have done it a LONG time ago but for "Bob's" haggling to get a better price for it.
UNTIL THE REVOLUTION IS ON TV, SUBGENII WILL PARTY, AND BULLSHIT...
Pissed Off = "Raising Sand" "I'm getting' ready to cloud up and rain on somebody."
These kids these days with their GEE-GAW-ENCRUSTED BROOMSTICKS.
Youth-rads and young-wanters blather all this crap about this NEW Conspiracy has WORSE JACKBOOTS than the previous ones...
Seems like every time you change governments, you always get MORE government, instead of LESS. The old rules get kept because - sometime's there's REASONS for some of them, -- but the new guy also has to leave HIS pee-mark.
STALE PEE on the BUSH OF FREEDOM.
"WHEN THEY CAME FOR THE MUTE, I SAID NOTHING, FOR I WAS NOT MUTE."
AHHH, Go tell it to the UTNE READER! You're mistaking me for that fella from GIVE-A-SHIT COUNTY.
"STANG -- you take just one tab of camp x-ray and you think you're in prison for months without charges."
'You'll pry my cold dead fingers out of my other cold dead fingers.' - "Bob" to [censored]
'when nothing's funny it gets easy to laugh at the drop of a hat or a bomb' - DEVO
IF you really believed in the concentration camps, you wouldn't be TALKING about them.
"Let a thousand flowers bloom" Mao said, inviting
criticism of his regime. Then after the critics had
spoken up for about 6 months, he had them all killed
or tortured into good behavior. 60 million people died
in Mao's cultural revolution, which was designed to
make people more "p.c."
- china does make some good pc's now.
Easier to program somebody to NOT talk about something than to program them TO talk about something. BRAINWASHING with False Slack....
THESE PINKS NOWADAYS...
IMPOTENT DRONES ALL WEEK... MAGICAL BEINGS on the WEEKEND. COWBOYS. Real OUTLAWS during the two days when they're not being SLAVES.
It's not that we LOOK DOWN on the cow-manures.
We just don't BELIEVE IN THEIR SHIT.
We refuse to be AFFUCKTED by it all.
When selling, "Bob" dressed normally, but when preaching, "Bob" would have the word LIAR written on his forehead with a fat black marfker. Because of that, people believed him.
"I CAN'T LIE - BUT I PROMISE I WILL." - JR "Bob" Dobbs
LOVE AND SLACK
I dole out these "13 Priorities of Life" at devivals,
Slack was #7 or 8 on the list,
after breathing, drinking water, peeing, eating food,
shitting, sleeping,
Money came after Slack, then Your Back Not Hurting, and THEN Sex.
"Bob" and sex weren't even in the top 10 anymore!
But some might notice that "LOVE" was not on that list.
Well, "LOVE" is corny, for one thing. Just that word, "LOVE."
Also, it is painfully obvious that it's possible to live quite a long life without ever having "LOVE" at all. We are surrounded by assholes who have done so spectacularly.
However, "SLACK" is a completely open-ended
term, since it's different for each person,
and often comprised of many vague elements, many unspoken
and not easily put into words.
"LOVE" might be in that mix, somewhere, for some of us.
In fact, for some people, I suppose "LOVE" and "SLACK" would be indistinguishable.
(This is not to demean those for whom HATE is Slack! There should always be EQUAL HATE ALL AROUND, har har har.)
Young Preacher Reverend Alex was wuss/man enough to verbalize the LOVE-SLACK comparison last X-Day Drill,
Most reassuring and even liberating, Hate-Slack having been VERY well covered by experts for many years.
Princess Wei said, "Love has no sense of smell."
FARTS: "A L'PETOMAINE SOLILOQUY"
Love is BLIND, DEAF, has no sense of SMELL, and is wearing OVEN MITTS.
Did somebody just light a fruit?
Did I just hear the moan of the trouser ghost?
Or did The Pipe just take a puff of "BOB"?
Bob doesn't smoke the Pipe; the Pipe smokes "Bob."
If the Pipe stops smoking....
"Look how STUPID" "Bob" looks! I swear, I could just sit here, lookin' at how STUPIT he looks, forever! Hee hyuk, hyuk!"
The SubGenius is PREtarded - we'd rather be stupid than THEIR "smart." - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs to Onan
Though as Legume said - some of us are not Retards, but still on our FIRST tard. That's "BOB".
We get to see the world through rose colored glasses, and "Bob" holds them up for us.
We pay for a SUBscription to what we really think.
That's ONE reason it's SUB-genius.
But are the normals really that much SMARTER than us, though?
Watch TV lately?
The less you watch TV, the more retarded it seems when you do watch it.
Watching dumb crap like Anna Nichole - Maybe EVERYBODY
does that:
"Man, I CAN'T BELIEVE how STUPID this is. People
WATCH this? GAW, they must be STUPID.
I could sit here forever thinking how stupid they are to watch this..."
It's gotten to where they GLOAT BRAZENLY at what COWS we are.
"BREAK FREE OF THE MATRIX!!" - After These Messages. Stay Tuned.
I saw an ad for Yoplait Yogurt that said, "Together we can lick breast cancer."
REALITY TV taken to final fruition with the WAR show.
Viewed paleoanthropologically, it paints a dismal picture indeed.
Incredible levels of talent dedicated to a giant ALIBI
for PINKNESS.
And dumbgrading the language itself. Changing the words
to mean less instead of more. Oddly enough, using MORE
words, irregardlessly.
THE TELEVISION WILL NOT BE REVOLUTIONIZED.
FIGHT BACK?
SLACKERS: "I have feist in me... it just can't
be sourced properly."
In order TO fight, the SubGenius MUST HAVE SLACK, true Slack.
Everybody who's anybody knows that.
And I'm with everybody who's anybody.
But not if it's for everybody. I'm only into it if it's ONLY for everybody who's ANYbody. I'm too independent to follow the big crowd.
I follow the SMALL crowd.
If I got a tattoo like everybody else, would I be cool again? Or would I have to cut the mullet too?
And EVERYBODY knows that everybody who's anybody already knew that... except the nobodies. Nobody who's anybody DOESN'T know THAT.
I'm nobody's fool. Nobody who's anybody, anyway.
SUBGENIUS KOOKS
I know that sounds repititious but seriously.
Think they're BOB... think they're the ANTI-BOB...
It's rare that we have to deprogram anybody from our own cult, but it does happen.
This one SubGenius finally deprogrammed himself. He was talking about how he could live without the Church of the Subgenius and he suddenly said,
"Hey, maybe I'm finally cured! Yea verily, I have seen the LIGHT, and it is NOT BOB!"
Well, "BOB IS NOT THE ANSWER, and neither is anything else" was put in SubG Pamphlet #2 in 1985.
The speed of THE LIGHT is evidently slower than the speed of Light.
That's the whole idea behind Bob being a SHORT DURATION PERSONAL SAVIOR (tm)
It may all be a joke, among other things, but it's a big and PENETRATING enough joke to have driven a few people crazy.
It IS after all the DIRECT, REVEALED WORD of JR BOB DOBBS. Which is all it NEEDS to be.
If every SubGenius, including me, disavowwed the whole thing as a crock, forever, there would still me that ONE IMMOVABLE FACT of the ISNESS of BOB.
No matter what you or I think about it. THAT FACE will always be there and THAT FACE will ALWAYS be laughing. And not WITH us.
We're the last people to put down the Differently Saned,
but...
"Every church has its pew" - SubGenius Spice
"WEIRD" doesn't necessarily mean running around the mall with your underwear on your head.
Nowadays, just having any MANNERS is WEIRD.
WEIRD nowadays is what USED to be considered COMMON
HUMAN DECENCY.
But there are certain people who set off my kookdar... my CRADAR.
"Mental Illness" is a Conspiracy invention. Therefore, we treat everybody the same whethet the Conspiracy says they're crazy or not.
Consistency is their main virtue; unfortunately, what they're consistent at is being an asshole.
Trying to get a straight answer,... you're barking up an unoccupied tree.
The kook can't answer those questions because if he lets himself even understand them, his whole mental house of cards collapses.
It's VERY delicately balanced. So his answers are always to other questions than the ones asked -- the questions he'd PREFER you'd ask.
SLACK is a form of awareness, of perceiving the REAL world, but the kook practices avoidance of that.
We're ALL kooks - (B-1s through B-5s)
In order to be able to take a joke, one must be able to recognize that a joke has been TOLD.
Thus, the kook can't experience Slack, except negatively, that is, by blocking the Slack of others. Some some street crazies, the kook CANNOT mind its own business. Pretending to teach its kook-view, its "kookenschlong," to others is how it obtains its sad false Slack.
Not just kooks --
Other peoples business seems to be the natural enclosure for many noses. Thus, PEE TESTS.
Like this War Thing. MINDING OTHER PEOPLES BUSINESS.
"It it isn't broken, I say, we go in there and
FIX THE HELL OUT OF IT! Broke or Unbroke! TAMPER we
say. Tamper always. Semper Tamper.
Saddam was okay until he took too much acid. That's the downfall of so many world leaders, too much acid.
Gerald Ford. Look what happened to him. Reagan. Clinton.
One hit too many that day. Me, later on tonight... it's tragic.
Beware the Ass Pirates AND the Acid Pirates.
DO-GOODERS can be just as bad as EVIL-DOERS. If you happen to be evil.
Anti-smoking BULLSHIT eats up more Slack than second hand smoke does.
The SMUG DO-GOODER will be the death of us all. FOR OUR OWN GOOD.
Oddly enough they're fairly easy to spot because they practice FLAMBOYANT HUMILITY. "CONSPICUOUS HUMBLENESS" and GRANDIOSE self-effacement.
Like Budhists who never cease reminding you how egoless they are..
LISTEN TO ME when I tell you to GO BEYOND EGO.
And THEY KNOW EVERYTHING. I KNOW that.
The LESS you know, the more SURE you are of what you do know; and, contrariwise, the more you know, the less sure you are of ANY of it.
BELIEF is gone... Bob said, BELIEVE ME OUT OF IT...
We'll stick with the contradictions that make good sense, thank you very much.
I never believed the comforting postmodernist mumbo-jumbo.
I am a POST-MUMBO-JUMBONIST.
FUCK THE NEW AGE!! NO BLOOD FOR SNAKE OIL!
Kids, leave world domination to the fropeshionals. "Gluing
feathers to your ass does not make you a rooster."
- Chris Brooks' son
*
Some say death is great.
Though I notice that none of the people who said so
had actually TRIED it yet, and those who finally did,
suddenly became VERY QUIET about it.
(What are they trying to HIDE?)
BOB speaks to the dead via EXCROPLASM, spirit droppings... spector spoor... packing peanuts
"I may have laid myself to waste - but "Bob" recycled me!" - iDRMRSR
6ick6ex-Day
We don't really know what YEAR it is, even what PLANET it is!
This might not be JULY! This might be MARS! Do YOU remember how to get to Shell Beach?
We don't KNOW anything except that it's BEFORE July 5 1998.
Maybe we'll be lucky and TOMORROW will be July 5!
And maybe it won't be the END times... Might be the BEGINNING TIMES.
IT'S JUST A KISS AWAY.
You know how you make lists of things to do?
"Bob" said,
"The universe makes 'lists' as well. We are 'the
list.' Let's hope the universe gets around to 'DOING'
us.'"
THINK GLOBULAR, ACT LOCO! Get with the TIMES! The END times.
Never before have we neeeded FASCISM so badly - PEOPLE'S fascism, that is. FACISM BACK TO THE PEOPLE!
We MUSTN'T GIVE UP! We CANNOT give up.
BRUSHWOOD! Hear me!
It IS true what many of you have heard.
The Conspiracy has gathered an army of Normals and as I speak, that army is drawing nearer to our SLACK.
Believe me when I say we have... difficult time control ahead of us.
But if we are to be prepared for it, we must first... pump up our HATE of it!
I stand here before you now truthfully UNAFRAID. IN SLACK. Why?
Because I disbelieve something you do NOT? No!
I stand here, IN SLACK, because... I remember.
I remember that I am here not because of the path of lies before me, but because of the path of lies behind me!
I remember that for 80 Million years we have fought
these... HUMANS!
I remember that for 80 Million YEARS they have set their
JOBS to destroy us... and after an ETERNITY of WORK,
I remember that which matters most: WE ARE STILL HERE!
Tonight! Let us send a message to those Normals. Tonight let us shake this campground!
Tonight! -- let us tremble this land of rock, stick, and frop!
Let us be heard from Tranquility Base, to alt.slack.village!
Tonight let us make them remember: this is SubGenius! And, we MUST HAVE SLACK!
For neither SHIT nor SHLUGGINER, SHALL WE SURRENDER
By the Hecks of Dammit, WANK! WANK for Bob! Wank as if your very life depends on it!
SO MOTE IT BE... motened it?
As a meddling janitor in a future Time Control laboratory, you MUST take my word for it.
OR KILLFILE ME!