ASQUIRES XDV REPORT

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <stang@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Tue, Jul 9, 2002 2:50 AM

In article <6RLV8.7969$uf3.2953817@news2.news.adelphia.net>, Aaronius
<asquire1313@hotmail.com> wrote:

> Before the start of X-Day, several groups of subgenii had already arrived,
> most set up in Alt.Slack woods, or along the dirt road to piss off the
> pagans.
>
> When we first arrived we set up camp (parked the van) next to the
> "roundhouse' and went lookin for mischief. It wasnt long before we were
> bothering pagans and attempting to to shove a pipe in the mouth of their
> alter god.

NOW I understand why some pagans consider some SubGenii to be total
assholes.

>
> Besides being the victim of a face fucking bat, we also had run out of all
> of our money. We had enough to cover some registration fees..but we didnt
> have enought to pay our camp fees. So we did what every self repecting
> subgenii does when the time has come that they have limited their choices
> down by their own stupidity..... .....we whored oueselves out to Brushwood.

This whoring happens on a massive scale at Starwood.

>
> As days passed, you might have noticed the perfumy scent radiating from the
> toliets and showers...and the cleaness of Brushwood in general, well my
> friend..thats all me..Rev Asquire and Lon and Justin Case and Country Bumkin
> cleaned those babies till you could see you ass in them...if thats what
> turns you on you sick Fucks!

I wondered how the four-flushers got such springtime freshness.

>
> Pices followed me in ranting and then Sun Nguyen and Sex Mortis and Lon and
> Rocknar, then the most beutiful thing happened...Cozmodiar's band got on
> stage and began what i have come to call "THE SUBGENII OOZQUIRT LOVE SUITE"
> It was a 2 hour plus medly of wierd surrealism and ozzfunk that everybody
> got into. It was like an orgy of sound that twisted the ear drum. The lyrics
> were ad libbed by the crowd of watchers as into the night Mortis, myself,
> Princess Wei, Lon, Country Bumpkin, Sun Nguyen, Sloth, and others sung out
> praises of "bob" and enjoyed ourselves to the fullest! WE DANCED THE JIVE
> FUNK MONKEE DANCE OF HE 7 CORNERS OF THE WORLD!!!
>
> This sacred balled was put to acting by Wei and others as a strange
> TERRIBLE/FANTASTIC rendition of a latent subgenii's fight with normallity,as
> it conquered all in his life turning him against himself...and then
> REDEMTION when the boy finds "BOB"! and fights against the pinks and turns
> them over to subgenius!!
>
> This 2 hour drama was worth the entire event, and was definatly "Bob's" way
> of making up for the screw that he had had to make for the following
> morning.

I agree with your assessment of this superb masterpiece of impromptu
bulldada. The weird performances of Rev. Alex, Rev. Zorro and Princess
Wei were of a bizarre purity that could only be achieved by 3
adolescents.

Not many people witnessed this spectacle, or the great ranting and
antimusic that preceeded it. The old people and squares were all in the
Bonobo Lounge listening to disco music and drinking, but us New Old
School Young Old Turks were having us a back to the pamphlet AntiMusic
bulldada gut blowout not unlike the original Doktors for "Bob" band
rehearsals and Dokstoks, or the fabled Doktors for Wotan recording
sessions... indeed of the rarified nature of an old time Launching of
the Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer.

In theory -- I haven't checked yet -- my tripod camera got everything
in some kind of scratchy wide shot with fairly good sound and shitty
picture. However I also used the fancy schmancy digital video camera
with night-vision which I borrowed from ACE and captured the entire
OozSquirt Ballet Opera Epic from optimum vantage points. (You X-Day
Drillers may have noticed that I am not too shy about copping good
camera vantage points no matter how I block all the other camera-fux.)

I haven't looked at it yet. But I was already fantasizing about using
a rotoscope program to add RAY BEAM EFFECTS to the DV footage I shot.
See, much of this opera involved Bulldada Magicians zapping energy
beams at each other from their hands in an epic battle of BadGood
against GoodBad, culminating in the power of a Poster of Dobbs
overcoming their foolishness and bringing the two civilizations
together in peace and harmony under Slack. My notion was to add laser
bolts to the footage as practice. But I want them to look like the
cheesy-ass laser bolts I used to do in The Day by scratching the beams
directly onto 16mm film footage. Perhaps I can create a "moving
paintbrush" of zapping beams that look like film-scratched "rays."

In my spare time.

>
> After 50 something hours of dancing and recklessnes I went to sleep and the
> rest fo the Kentucky Clench did too. We oke to find that we wernt ruptured.
> Disappointed I walked to alt.Slack to see what was going on.
>
> "Its okay" Sun Nguyen said. "Stang and Jesus wernt even on time" hehe, and
> we then had much laughter.

That's not totally true. Wei and I got there at 6:59:59 sharp, I did
the countdoen: "ONE!" and nothing the fuck happened at all except that
everybody stood there looking at ME like *I* was supposed to have
something to do with deals made between "Bob" and faceles bodiless
godlike beings from another star system. (Prostata has Planet X
narrowed down to one of FORTY stars, based on the speed of light, the
date of the first broadcasts of Amos and Andy from Chicago, and the
direction in which Chicago was pointing at that exact date and hour.)

Jesus and Magdalen, who were alone in the Great trailer on the Hill,
claim that they overslept because their watches were all still set on
Austin, Texas time, an hour later than New York state time. I suspect
that they CRAFTED that excuse ahead of time. When everyone started
looking at me like it was POND-TIME again, I attempted to divert the
blame by suggesting that we run up the hill and attack the Trailer,
perhaps rocking it over onto its side with Jesus and Magdalen inside.
Then I kind of backed off that idea and tried to get the angry SubGenii
thinking about food, which worked, and they wandered away to eat.
(Herding the SubGenii around is not unlike the way it's done in that
movie The Island of Dr. Moreau.) Wei and I had been ready to be
Ruptured in our pajamas so it was easy for us to go back to bed in our
tent, which we had luckily pitched right by the pavillion.

>
> Even if "Bob's" deal with those strange alein X-ist didnt happen like we
> wanted it too, its all okay. For next year "Bob" will come. HE WILL COME!!!
>
> Later on x-day, do to extreame problems back home, we had to leave. But we
> have vowed to return...and when we do THE SUBGENIUS WILL HAVE THEIR DAY

SO IT IS FORETOLD!

--
4th Stangian Orthodox MegaFisTemple Lodge of the Wrath of Dobbs Yeti,
Resurrected (Rev. Ivan Stang, prop.)
P.O. Box 181417, Cleveland, OH 44118 (fax 216-320-9528)
A subsidiary of:
The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. / P.O. Box 204206, Austin, TX 78720-4206
Dobbs-Approved Authorized Commercial Outreach of The Church of the SubGenius
SubSITE: http://www.subgenius.com
For SubGenius Biz & Orders: call toll free to 1-888-669-2323
or email: jesus@subgenius.com
PRABOB

----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Her Ladyship Lilith von Fraumench <lilith@ZubJenius.com>

In article <6RLV8.7969$uf3.2953817@news2.news.adelphia.net>, Aaronius
<asquire1313@hotmail.com> wrote:

> being the victim of a face fucking bat

Sorry about that. Ol' Wanda LePetomane Baker was enjoying her first
X-Day with me and she got a bit out of hand. (And yes, even the female
face-fucking bats have dicks with little barbs and shoot toxic semen
deep into one's nasal cavities. Life sucks, don't it?)

Her Ladyship Lilith

--
--=8=-- \m/ --=8=-- http://lilith.foolspress.com/ --=8=-- \m/ --=8=--
You'll say that the 50's isn't the present, but we'll have to differ on
that. -- RLan538885 in 20020617153210.12229.00001550@mb-fe.aol.com

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Original file name: Re-ASQUIRESXDVREPORT.txt - converted on Tuesday, 16 July 2002, 14:21