Magdalen's Parables of X-Day V

From: "Rev. Magdalen" <magdalen@subgenius.com>
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Date: Thu, Jul 11, 2002 4:14 PM

One day the Lord was walking down the path by the enclosure where the pagans
keep their children and he saw a crowd of them playing in the road. They
had heard and seen many miracles of Dobbs by this time, so the Lord said to
them "Hello pagan children! Are you ready to run away with "Bob" yet?"

"Nooo!" the children cried in unison. "That's all a bunch of gibberish,"
one piped up.

"Well," said the Lord, "Did you know that the Land of Dobbs is a land made
entirely of CANDY??? Yes! Candy EVERYWHERE and all children can eat as
much as they want! NOW are you ready to run away with "Bob"?"

"Well," said the Lord, "besides all the candy, there are PONIES! Yes!
Every child gets their own pony to ride whenever they want to! NOW are you
ready?"

"Well..." said one pagan girl, but the rest of the children again cried "No!
We don't want to leave our parents and live with you people, not even for
ponies and candy!"

"I see," said the Lord, "but did you know that in the Land of Dobbs there is
EVERY Game Boy game EVER MADE? And they are all FREE! And you can play
them ALL NIGHT LONG! NOW are you ready?"

"YES!!!" cried the pagan children, "Take us there! We want to run away with
"Bob"!!"

Just about the time when everyone was expecting Stang to arrive at X-Day, a
messenger came to the Sacred Trailer from Brushwood Central and said, "Lord,
we just received a telephone message for you. It said 'Stang's car is
broken down, call Princess Wei!'"

The Lord was much perplexed by this, as he had not brought the telephone
number for Princess Wei. Everyone puzzled over the cryptic message. What
were we to tell Princess Wei, were we able to call her? Was she supposed to
go rescue Stang? Were WE supposed to go rescue him? Where would we go?
The message did not say.

Some time later, Commander Chas pulled in and paused in his Rock and Roll
Van by the Sacred Trailer. "Have you seen Stang?" the Lord asked him, "we
received a message that his car was broken down and you are coming from the
same place as him."

"Oh so that WAS Stang's van on the side of the road way back in Ohio,"
Commander Chas said. "I stopped and asked if they needed any help, but I
did not see Stang, just some dorky blond kid. The kid said he didn't need
any help, so I drove on!"

"Doh!" said the Lord, "That must have been TwoBeans, who was riding with
Stang! What a dumbass! He must have been frightened by your
Mick-Jagger-like appearance! Or perhaps that was some highwayman who has
killed both Stang and TwoBeans and rolled them into a ditch!"

Finally, late that night Stang and TwoBeans arrived and told the Lord that
TwoBeans had walked ten miles in brain-blistering heat to the nearest
telephone to give that cryptic message. Luckily, he also remembered to call
AAA, so that Stang's car could eventually be fixed and X-Day could go on.
Then the Lord told THEM that the strange-looking guy who stopped and offered
to help them was actually Commander Chas!

Stang said, "Next time, TwoBeans, DON'T call for help from people a hundred
miles away, and DO take the help from people who are present!"

Doc Terminus had come to every X-Day since 1998. He was tall and
good-looking, but no one seemed to remember him from year to year. Every
year the same thing - "Hi, is this your first time?" people would ask. "No!
Don't you remember we hung out last year?" he would angrily reply. "Oh...
sorry," people would reply.

Then, in 2002 Doc Terminus had a brilliant idea! He saw the internet
campain called "Bring Someone Who Has Never Been Before" and convinced his
four closest friends from Catholic High School to come with him that year!

The astrophysicist friend designed the camp with amazing state of the art
fabric technology, producing shade! The peasants of alt.slack.woods were
much impressed by this innovation, exclaiming loudly, "Lo! It is day, and
yet with these fabric screens they have made shade where there are no
trees!" And the peasants did homage to the four friends and Doc Terminus.

Another of the friends had received a Holy Vision from Dobbs giving him
recipes for seven Sacred Cocktail Drinks! All the friends pitched in to buy
the supplies and they served them to all who entered the camp, complete with
little drink-umbrellas and decorative straws.

The third friend was the quietest of them all, but somehow through the
miraculous power of Dobbs he acquired a CHINSTRAP-DILDO and grass hula
skirt! When he donned these magic garments, all his inhibitions fell fell
from him and soon he was delighting the camp's guests with elaborate hula
lap-dances!

The fourth friend was a photographer and took many pictures of all the
hilarity and debauchery, but mostly just lounged around looking suave, as
befits a bachelor-themed camp.

Doc Terminus himself presided over it all, basking in newfound glory and
appreciation. He knew that at last, THIS year he would be remembered, and
not for anything embarrasing or painful, either.

The five friends truly knew the Glory of Dobbs and the value of teamwork as,
with tears in their eyes, they proudly accepted the First Place Award for
Theme Camps at X-Day V and a permanent place in SubGenius History.

Original file name: Parables of X-Day V - converted on Tuesday, 16 July 2002, 14:21